


Living Love

by Akwan



Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Chaptered, Depression, Dysfunctional Family, Fake Marriage, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, M/M, Mark Lee inspired, Panic Attacks, Rainbow V, Reunion Sex, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Relationships, kind of Canon Compliant except they're not idols, many tags are left out because spoilers, now that the last chapter (except the epilogue) is posted i'll add tags hehe, this is a long story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:34:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 90,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25283959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akwan/pseuds/Akwan
Summary: Dejun confesses his feelings for Guanheng, and they start dating. But one day after a year of dating, Guanheng disappears. Dejun is left alone in despair, not knowing whether Guanheng is still alive or not, if he broke up with him in leaving. A heartbroken but determined Dejun decides to go looking for him, even if it means breaking his heart again.
Relationships: Wong Kun Hang | Hendery/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun
Comments: 35
Kudos: 38





	1. Prologue 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Thank you for clicking on this story! If you start reading it then please continue! I promise it'll get better.
> 
> OBS! I used their real names in mandarin, so Xiaojun is Dejun and Hendery is Guanheng. But when they speak to each other they say their cantonese names, because they speak cantonese to each other. Guanheng is Kunhang and Dejun is Dakzeon. But chinese people always say 阿 (A) plus their name so they call each other A'hang 阿亨 and A'zeon 阿俊 most of the times. I used their real names so Ten is Chittaphon here. Lucas is Xuxi but when they talk to each other it'll be Yukhei. Yeah you get the point.
> 
> So the story is divided in three parts, the first part is just the prologue, with three chapters. The second part has five chapters and the third part has seven chapters. Then there's an epilogue. But I don't think they're important now that I think of it...oh well. Enjoy pain!

The story about how Dejun and Guanheng finally got to live together as a couple is long and complicated. It all began when Dejun confessed his feelings for Guanheng on a day in March. The two of them sat together in the studio, the studio that the two of them shared with the rest of their friends. Dejun with a guitar on his laps, was extremely nervous. It might’ve been an ordinary day, but Dejun knew that what he was about to do would change his and Guanheng’s relationship forever. Guanheng was oblivious, sitting besides Dejun on the couch.

“C’mon, A’zeon. It’s not like you haven’t sung for me before. What’s making you so nervous?”

“I know, just give me a moment.” Dejun took a deep breath before he did the thing. He had never been very active with his love life, love was something he thought would just come when it wanted, and it did. He didn’t expect to fall in love with his best friend.

When he and Guanheng first met they were only kids, they met during a competition for Southeast Asia’s children in music and dance. It was also the place they met their friends, Yangyang, Xuxi, Sicheng, Kun and Chittaphon. The seven of them became fast friends, but there was something special about Dejun and Guanheng together. It was since the beginning. It was noticeable. Now they’re twenty years old, and Dejun realized his feelings. The feelings that had grown a lot in the past few weeks. He decided to tell him. But he didn’t knew how. Being an amateur in love, he couldn’t just tell him, or just ask him out. So Dejun wrote a song. It was easier that way. Talking wasn't a strong skill of his, singing was.

Dejun started playing the guitar first. His heart started pounding, Guanheng could hear it. “Hey, A’hang,” Dejun started singing. 

We’ve been friends for a long time,  
Love never crossed my mind before.  
Didn’t know how it felt until recently,  
I don’t know if you feel it too

Do you know what you do to me,  
When you look at me like that?  
With the deepest eyes.  
Do you know what you do to me,  
When you smile at me like that?  
With the sweetest smile.

Yeah, you got it right,  
You make me fall for you.  
Yeah, I’m saying I like you  
I’m falling in love with you  
Yeah, Kunhang I like you.

You have to admit  
That the flirt has been going on for a while  
Are you doing it on purpose ?  
Or are you like this with all of your friends?

Do you know what you do to me,  
When you touch me like that?  
With the warmest touch.  
Do you know what you do to me,  
When you laugh like that?  
With your squeaky laughter.

Yeah, you got it right,  
You make me fall for you.  
Yeah, I’m saying I like you  
I’m falling in love with you  
Yeah, Kunhang I like you.

Wong Kunhang, I’m in love with you.

Dejun put the guitar away, Guanheng had been staring at him the whole time he was singing. Dejun had tried to look into them, but he got too shy. With a burning face had he sung the song from the beginning to end. Guanheng smiled brightly at Dejun, and it was indeed the sweetest smile.

“You like me?” Guanheng asked.

“I- yes. I just sang a song about how much I like you! Is there a need to ask?” Guanheng laughed, he laughed with his squeaky voice, which he did when he genuinely thought things were funny. “Okay, sorry,” he collected himself.

“So…you like me,” he smirked. Dejun smirked too as he saw Guanheng slowly getting a shade of pink in his cheeks. It gave him more courage. But he was still clueless of what to do. “So uh…”

“You don’t know what you’re doing, do you?”

“Yes I do!”

“You do? Okay then. Go on, do what you want to do,” Guanheng said happily. He felt great because his crush just confessed his feelings for him. Dejun panicked, what did he want? He didn’t plan this far, he only planned on singing the song, but then what? How was he going to tell Guanheng that he wanted him to be his boyfriend. But it would be too much if he just said it out loud.

“Relax, I’m just messing with you. Yes, Dakzeon, I’d like to go out with you.”

“Really?” Guanheng nodded, “I…I like you too.”

“For real? I knew it!”

“You knew it!? Am I that obvious?”

“Well, only because I know you so well,” Dejun moved closer to him so they sat shoulder to shoulder, legs touching. Guanheng giggled in embarrassment. “I love the song,” he said. “I’m glad.”

“When did you start writing it?”

“I don’t remember, maybe three weeks ago?”

“That long!?”

“Yeah, you know how hard it’s been!? Everytime we have eye contact I’m afraid I’ll expose myself. I was scared of even looking at you!”

“Me too! Everything you sang perfectly described my feelings for you.”

“Really? Then I guess it’s really our song,” Dejun said and took held his hand. “Our song,” Guanheng repeated.

They stared at each other for a while because they hadn’t look at each other in the eyes for weeks. It felt liberating now that they knew the other’s feelings.

“Zeon…”

“Hm?”

“I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“This. I’ve never had a boyfriend before.”

“But you’ve had girlfriends, right?”

“Well, no not really. Okay, sure. But it’s not the same thing.”

“Why?” “Because you’re…you.”

“Because I’m me or because I’m a boy?”

“No! Because…”

“You can tell me.”

“I know. It’s just that, I’ve never felt like this before. All the girls that my parents introduced to me have just been shallow relationships. I wouldn’t even call them relationships, the longest lasted for a month. It has never worked out. That’s because I didn’t have feeling for them. With you, I feel…a lot. A lot more than I imagined I would. And it scares me, I’m scared that I’ll ruin things. And you’re my best friend, I don’t want to lose you."

“Relax, everything will be fine. I hope so at least. I’ve never had a real relationship before either, but I trust that we’ll be fine,” Dejun squeezed his hand. “You’re right.”

The next few days they went on dates. It wasn’t easy hiding their relationship from the others since they spent most of their time in the studio. It was also where they would go to after work, so they rarely got alone time. If they wanted to be alone the others would ask why, if they didn’t tell them, they would suspect something was going on. But what they didn’t know was that their friends were already suspecting something was going on. Their friends weren’t stupid, they had been teasing them about their feelings for the other, it annoyed them. But it also felt nice that they didn’t have to hide them, so why wouldn’t they just tell them that they were dating? They felt like they didn’t want to satisfy their friends with their teasing, that they finally got together.

Another reason was they wanted to see if they could figure it out themselves, but that was stupid. Because they were hiding it so well. They decided to tell them.

That day they were sitting on the couch, the same couch they sat on when Dejun confessed. They discussed how they were going to break the news. “Do we just tell?” “Yes, how else?” “So we’re going to say, ‘Hi, we are dating.’?” “Yes, A’zeon. If you think it’s so weird then let me tell them, alright?” “Okay, you say it.” So they waited until their friends arrival.

The seven of them had a YouTube channel together, called Rainbow V, and on other platforms. It was where they shared their talents with the world and expressed themselves creatively. They came from many different places in the world, but a little more than two years ago, they all moved to Guangzhou. Where they made videos together of them covering dances and songs.

Their studio was a little place in eastern Guangzhou which they all helped paid for. The seven of them decided to skip university and do what they loved instead, dancing, singing and everything with art. Rainbow V craved a lot of work, but it was their passion. And since they started it together as friends, they didn’t feel like it was work. They work also paid off, they got at least ten thousand views per day, which made them decent amount of money to continue. But it wasn’t enough to pay for their apartments, so they all had part time jobs so they could survive.

The studio included a big practice room, where they danced, and where the seven of them spent most of their time together. There were also three other rooms plus a bathroom, and a room with everything that could qualify it as a kitchen. In one room, they had music instruments, keyboards, and guitars, Yangyang’s violin, drums, and other smaller instruments. This music room was where you could find Dejun most of the time when they didn’t dance.

The second room was where the computers was, where they edited the videos and where the cameras equipment was stored. This room had midi keyboards so they could remix songs and other productions. The third room, the only soundproof room, was where they recorded songs. Though the third and second room was now more or less one and the same room, since the wall that once separated them, was teared down, and replaced with windows on the upper half, and even had a glass door now. The bathroom had a shower, which they occasionally used when they didn’t want to shower at home, or when they wanted to stay in the studio.

The only reason they could afford such a luxurious room was because of Guanheng’s, Sicheng’s and Yangyang’s rich family. They didn’t pay everything, but they did help financially, showing support for their sons. Now the seven of them worked to together pay the installment.

The studio was a five-minute walk from Guanheng’s apartment, and it was pretty close to his work too, so he was always the first one to arrive, second was Dejun. Since he lived in Dongguan with his family, which was half an hour away, he went to the studio directly after work too. Traveling back and forth would waste both time and money, so Dejun and Guanheng waited together, many things happened during that time.

Before the confession, they had already done things that was considered couple things. Such as holding hands, putting arms around the other, and even caressing the cheek. The flirted a lot, of course they thought they were just joking, until Dejun confessed. So when they waited for the others it was natural of them to do even more, they had the whole place for themselves, so they made out quiet a lot. They would do it in the music room, it lessened the chance of them being caught. But this time, they weren’t. They had nothing else to do as they were waiting, so they made out, which was a big mistake. Because they didn’t get the chance to tell them.

The door opened, bringing their make out session abruptly to an end. Dejun looked over at the entrance, a frozen Xuxi stood there, still holding the door handle. The three of them speechless. Guanheng quickly pulled away from Dejun out of embarrassment. Dejun, who found it rather funny, chuckled. Breaking the silence.

Behind Xuxi came a clueless Sicheng. “Why are you standing here?” He asked him.

Xuxi lost it at that point, “Sicheng,” he turned to him, grabbed his collar, and shouted. “You won’t believe what I just saw!” Sicheng had a confused expression, he looked at Dejun and Guanheng for answers. But Dejun and Guanheng acted clueless and shrugged.

“Oh my god! Sicheng!” Xuxi let him go, and ran off, screeching around in the dance room. His hands over his head. Then he stopped after a few moments, he looked at Sicheng, and pointed at the two on the couch. As he laughed, he tried to get his words out. “They-, they-,” he muttered, but all he did was fall on the floor. Sicheng approached Xuxi, patted him on the back. He had a guess of what Xuxi had seen, but he wanted to hear Xuxi say it.

“They what?” He smileed.

“They were kissing! They were all over each other,” he finally threw out as he laughed, “That’s an image I’ll never forget.”

Sicheng smiled brightly, it was indeed what he thought had happened. “Wow, so it is true then, finally!” He went to the couple and congratulated them, “I wish that you’ll never make out, or do anything…explicit in front of me,” he said teasingly and bowed. Dejun groaned out of embarrassment, Guanheng felt exposed and tried to hide his existence by vanishing behind the pillows.

Sicheng laughed at them, he then went to Xuxi, and together they clowned their friends, not for being together of course, but because they had been caught doing such graphic stuff. They pretended to kiss each other aggressively. “Ah, Dejun!” “Oh my god! Guanheng!” They shouted. All Dejun could do was to look away from his embarrassing friends.

After a few minutes, the rest of their friends arrived. Confused of the situation, they asked the calm people in the room. “What is up with them?” Kun asked. “Did they drink one too many energy drinks?”

“What do you mean? Aren’t they always like this?” Guanheng defended.

Chittaphon looked at the two, who were fake kissing and hugging, trying to analyze what was going on. He then looked at the two on the couch. A gasp of realization came out, “Dejun and Guanheng were kissing!” He shouted and pointed at them.

Xuxi and Sicheng stopped teasing them. “You should’ve seen it! Or maybe not, but that’s something I will never I forget even if I try. They were all over each other,” Xuxi said with his hands in the open. “I didn’t see it though, which I am thankful for,” Sicheng threw out casually, roasting the new couple effortlessly.

“Alright, jokes aside, I am happy for you guys,” Kun smiled and hugged them, making the two feel a little bit better. “But please, don’t make out in front of us,” he added. “Yeah, I don’t want to see it either,” Yangyang said. Dejun once again groaned out of embarrassment.

“Okay, okay, we get it now,” Guanheng rolled his eyes.

“I think it’s cute. Yangyang and I actually talked about how you two were in love with each other, it was so obvious. Everyone could see it,” Chittaphon said.

“We were debating on when you were going to get together,” Yangyang said rested his arm on Chittaphon's shoulder, “And now you’re finally together,” he said with a satisfied smile. He reached out his hand in front of Chittaphon, whose expression grew bitter. “I’ll pay you later.” Yangyang chuckled. “Sorry for your loss,” he said and patted his shoulder.

“What?” Kun asked.

“We made a bet on when they would start dating, I said within this month, but Chittaphon said within the next month, and I was right,” Yangyang explained proudly, but Guanheng cut in, “When did you make this bet? And how much money by the way?”

“Uh, it was last week, on Friday. Fifty yuan.” Dejun and Guanheng exchanged looks and grinned. “What, what is it?” Yangyang asked.

“Sorry to break it to you, Yangyang. But you didn’t win either.” Guanheng said. “Guanheng and I decided to date the day before,” Dejun continued.

“You’ve been dating for a whole week!?” Yangyang exclaimed, pulling away from Chittaphon. This made Chittaphon excited, “Ooh, you won fifty yuan my ass! They’re mine.” Yangyang shot a glare, “Well you were way off, who knew these two would be so fast.”

Xuxi got sick of them, “Enough of you two, I want to know about them,” he said and sat down on the floor next to Sicheng, who was pretty much done from the beginning since Yangyang and Chittaphon opened their mouths. He said, “I’m just surprised that we didn’t realize sooner.”

“Yeah, I’m surprised too,” Kun added.

“Tell us everything,” Chittaphon said. Now everyone was sitting down, Yangyang and Chittaphon joined Xuxi and Sicheng on the floor, while Kun sat next to Dejun on the sofa.

“Storytime!” Xuxi shouted. Dejun and Guanheng looked at each other, deciding on who should tell.

“Okay,” Guanheng started, “It was Dejun who confessed first, he did it with a song he had written to me.” We sat right here on the couch and he had a guitar. And that’s about it,” he told them.

“That’s it?” Sicheng said. “Aye, lame, that can’t be it.” Xuxi said. “You sang for him and then you just magically got together?” Kun said. “There’s got to be more,” Chittaphon added. The reactions were not diverse, they wanted more. More spice and details. “Just tell us,” Yangyang demanded. “Yeah, tell us,” the rest of them agreed.

Dejun sighed, “Guanheng pretty much said it all, but fine! Just shut up, or we won’t tell. What do you want to know?”

“Everything”.

They seven of them sat like that and talked for a while, they told them about how they felt at that moment and how they have been hiding their relationship so well, why they did it and so on, until the five of them were satisfied. It took about half an hour of the time they should’ve spent on training, but this was how it was.

“Hey, what happens if you break up? What will happen to us?” Yangyang asked. All of them shut up, it was a serious question, and it was unexpectedly asked by the youngest of them.

Dejun and Guanheng looked at each other, “Don’t worry, if we ever break up, it’ll probably be because we see each other more as friends and not lovers. So don’t worry, the seven of us will be fine,” Guanheng said. Dejun smiled, knowing that he couldn’t put it in a better way. Most of the time they would just sit and spend time together, their bond was what made Rainbow V so special good, and their equal love for art that kept it going.

The secret was out and they could finally leave the others without feeling guilty. They went on dates, but it wasn’t what Dejun had expected.

The first time they went out on a real date together as a couple was an evening in late March. and they had a date in the poorer area of the city, where you could eat real street food. Dejun and Guanheng sat on plastic stools across each other at a tiny table, both with a big bowl of lamian in front of them.

“This is so much better than a five-star restaurant, right?” Guanheng asked.

“Definitely,” Dejun replied, “And much cheaper.” Five yuan for a big bowl was the ideal price for a meal for part time workers and youtubers like them. “Yeah,” Guanheng agreed. “Should we learn how to cook?” Dejun looked up, he never really thought of learning how to cook, because he didn’t need to. He lived with his parents, so they cooked for him, and when they stayed in the studio, they only had instant noodles. Among their friends, it was only Kun who really cooked.

Guanheng lived by himself, but most times he would only eat instant noodles, of course both he and Dejun could cook rice, cooking rice is something every Chinese could do by the age of six. Other than that, Guanheng could only make decent fried rice.

The small talk continued. “Yeah, maybe we should, I mean it would be convenient, and also good to stop eating instant noodles every day,” he teased. 

Guanheng pressed his lips, “Guilty, but hey, in my defense, they’re tasty. And it’s not like I eat them every day. I even get food from my work; they pay my lunch.”

“Wait, for real?”

“Yeah, excuse me. I work at a restaurant.” Guanheng said.

“Well, how am I supposed to know that they feed you? Just because someone works at a clothing store, do they get free clothes every day?”

“Well, no… I guess you’re right.” Guanheng admitted. “That’s right, and don’t say dude to me, I’m your boyfriend,” Dejun pouted, which made Guanheng laugh nervously.

Guanheng thought for a while, “but then again,” he continued their discussion. “Clothes and food are very different, see clothes are sustainable while food is not. If you take care of your clothes, they will last for years. But with food, they rot and get bad within days.”

“Okay, you’re right.” Dejun admitted. Then it hit him, “does this mean you only get food that’s bad?” He asked worriedly, looking at his boyfriend with furrowed eyebrows.

“What? No, no, it’s just that there’s always surplus of food. So, we eat in instead of wasting it. Somehow it doesn’t make the restaurant go minus, so that’s good.” Guanheng answered, assuring that Dejun doesn’t need worrying about his diet.

“If I could cook, I would cook for you,” Dejun said, “I’d make all your favorite dishes, like chicken feet,” he chuckled. Guanheng smiled widely,

“Thank you, I hope you learn how to cook, I should learn too.” Hearing Dejun say these things made him happy, his heart flutter, but it made him feel a sense of guilt too.

“Hey, it’s enough if only one of us cooks, and you already know how to make stir fried rice. You can continue washing the dishes.” Dejun laughed, teasing his boyfriend about his work.

“Hey, it’s not only washing the dishes, I clean up the restaurant, the toilets and I even kill mosquitos!” Guanheng said.

“So, you’re an all-around cleaner,” Dejun laughed, “But, what do you mean kill mosquitos? Is that part of your job?”

Guanheng started laughing, “Yeah, it’s actually funny. It wasn’t my task at first, but you know how I really hate bugs and mosquitos. So, when I was done with the dishes I would go out and take more dishes, but there were so many bugs, so I had this habit to kill them. And the costumers appreciated this as well because no one likes to have mosquitos flying around their food. Many costumers noticed me doing it, so when they told their waitress, the waitress praised me. So, they decided to give me a raise and make it an official task, to kill mosquitos.”

“That’s pretty impressive, I have to admit. I guess fancy restaurants can’t have flies in their food, right?” Dejun said.

“Yeah, you know what they say, keeping mosquitos away, keeps the costumers coming,” Guanheng said, making the two of them laugh.

“That is definitely made up, you’re stupid,” Dejun said, as he looked up at Guanheng with admiring eyes.

The next thing that happened made Dejun disappointed. He tried to take Guanheng’s hand, but he got uncomfortable, and slowly pulled it away.

“What…you don’t want me to…?”

“No, it’s just…there’s people around.” Guanheng said.

“What about it?”

“I don’t think people wants to see PDA.”

“Holding hands is PDA?”

“Yes…I…just forget it. Let’s finish this and go back.” The rest of the date was quiet, Dejun got sad. It was weird for him to see Guanheng uncomfortable. He was always extroverted and did the most excessive things, but when it came to their relationship…he suddenly shut himself. It got better when they got back to Guanheng’s place, they ended the night with watching a movie and him staying over.

He didn’t ask about it, he respected Guanheng’s boundaries. Guanheng was glad that Dejun didn’t push, he appreciated it, but it also made him feel even more guilty.

Another time a similar thing happened when they had a date in a museum, where an art exhibition was held, called Iconic Works. They observed a painting, known as ‘The Creation of Adam’.

“It kind of looks erotic…” Guanheng said and tilted his head.

Dejun scoffed, “no, you’re just dirty minded,” he said and tried to pull Guanheng with him to the next painting.

Guanheng resisted, “No, but wait. Just look at it, it doesn’t really look like a creation of somebody, it looks like they are reaching for each other but can’t. They are too far away from each other. And it also looks like they can’t be together because…one of them is God and the other is a man.”

Dejun looked at his boyfriend, sometimes he could have such weird thoughts, but then again, so did he. “You’re just overthinking now…but, you have a point.” Dejun admitted, “It does look like they want to hold each other’s hand but it’s unattainable.”

“See, you think so too,” Guanheng smiled.

“Only because you pointed it out. Too bad for them, at least we can,” Dejun said Dejun said and linked arms. But Guanheng moved his arm and put it on Dejun’s shoulder instead, he thought it would be less romantic, and something that bros sometimes did. Dejun figured it was the PDA that Guanheng worried about, so he let it be. Having Guanheng’s arm around him was good enough.

They continued walking. “Okay look at this, these two are kissing,” Dejun said, while looking at the painting. “That is us. Happy.”

Guanheng admired his boyfriend so much, for always making him feel better, but this time didn’t work. “I guess, except one is a girl and none of us are,” Guanheng said.

Dejun rolled his eyes, “Why did you get so pessimistic all of a sudden,” furrowing his eyebrows.

“I’m not,” Guanheng defended.

“Not? How are you not pessimistic? It’s like you don’t want to be more than friends. Why did you point out than none of us were a girl? Are you-“

“No!” Guanheng quickly hugged him, “I’m sorry, forget it. Just…How about we take some aesthetic photos?” Dejun smiled slightly after hearing the suggestion, “Okay.” So they took some pictures of each other.

With decorated walls and art behind them, Guanheng posed boldly in front of the camera, while looking cute. Though they also took normal pics where Guanheng pretended to admire the art on the walls. A focused Dejun took pictures of him seriously, and just like that they had a photoshoot in the museum. Soon enough Dejun had hundred new photos in his camera roll.

“Okay, your turn,” Guanheng said. He brought out his phone and Dejun walked to a place with nice view, he decided to stand in front of an open window, outside had green trees, covering the big city outside. Dejun enjoyed the view as Guanheng took a picture. He then turned to the camera. Guanheng unconsciously lowered his phone, eyes glued on the boy in front of him, who smiled vaguely. “What are you doing?” Dejun asked, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, just…you look really beautiful. Ethereal, almost,” Guanheng said.

Dejun sniggered and looked down, embarrassed by his boyfriends comment. He walked up to Guanheng to give him a kiss, but Guanheng jerked back and it landed on his cheek instead. “I know, I know, but no one is looking. There’s barely people here,” Dejun smiled, and they continued.

They came to another room with sculptures. One particular captured their eyes. “Haha!” Dejun laughed, he read the name. “’Shoes for Departure’, who would wear these shoes? So uncomfortable, where could you possibly walk with these, across the room?” Guanheng rolled his eyes, “Hey, don’t be mean. I would wear them.”

“You would? Then wear would you go?”

“Anywhere, away from the country at least.”

“Well, wherever you go, don’t forget to take me with you,” Dejun teased. Guanheng smiled, “Okay.”

One day at the end of spring, they went shopping together. They were going to find some new clothes for summer. Dejun asked what color suited him the most.

“I like when you were pink,” Guanheng answered. “Really? But the only pink I own is…your pink hoodie. I think pink is your color.”

“Maybe, but I like pink. If you wore it I wouldn’t be able to stop looking at you.”

“Me? Or the color pink?”

“ _You,_ in the color pink. That would be a sight to behold.”

Dejun giggled, “Okay, other than pink?”

“I don’t know, maybe blue?”

“Blue? Maybe…” Dejun looked through the clothes, nothing to his liking.

“Or maybe green,” Guanheng said. “Yeah, I thought about green too.” They continued to another clothesrack.

“Black is nice too.”

“Yeah, but not during summer. It’ll be too hot. White is better.”

“True, you know white is the best. It’s classy and clean. It also represents pureness.”

“Huh, didn’t know that. But I agree, white fits with anything and anyone.”

All of a sudden, a man, a few years older than them, approached and watched them. “Hey, girls, what do you my color is?” He sneered. Dejun and Guanheng threw a look at him but didn’t respond. “Hey, I’m talking to you, idiots.” They looked around and saw no one near them.

“You talking to us?”

“Uh, yeah. Duh, who else?”

“Why the fuck did you call us girls?” Dejun aggressively asked.

“Oh, you aren’t girls? I thought you were. I mean, just hearing you talk about colors like that. You must be girls.”

“You don’t think boys can talk about colors?”

“Well, certainly not normal boys. If you aren’t girls then you must be gay.” Dejun started to boil inside, “Yeah. What if we-.”

“What’s that got do with anything?” Guanheng interrupted.

“Oh, everything. Isn’t your flag the rainbow? You were talking about pink, blue and g-“

“Pink isn’t even in the rainbow,” Guanheng exclaimed.

“I didn’t say I was an expert, but since you seem to know quite a lot, you must be gay,” the man grinned. Guanheng was about to walk away, but Dejun didn’t.

“What’s your problem?” He asked the man.

“My problem? My problem is people like you-“ Guanheng tried to pull Dejun with him, “Let’s go.”

“No!” Dejun pushed his arm away, “I wanna hear what this jerk has to say.”

“Okay, then listen. You come here acting like being gay is so normal-“

“The one who’s not normal is you! What are you even doing here? Eavesdropping peoples conversation, walking up to strangers and harassing them. Is your life that boring?”

“Look, I didn’t eavesdrop on purpose. I was sitting right there and waited for my girlfriend. She’s the one shopping clothes for me," he said proudly, "It’s not my fault you were being so loud.”

"Your girlfriend is shopping and you just waited? Nice, so typical,” Dejun shook his head and laughed. “C’mon, A’zeon. Let’s stop wasting time on him." “No! I need to teach him a lesson.”

The man laughed, “What are you going to teach me? Mix and match colors?”

“You know what, your toxic masculinity is so disgusting. You act so tough and manly because you let your girlfriend find clothes for you. But you’re not even tough enough to come up to me. If you were you wouldn’t be on the other side of this clothes rack.”

“Oh I‘m man enough. I’m man enough to beat you up.”

“Oh yeah? Why don’t you come up to me and say that to my face?” Dejun called out. The man did, he walked up to him, real close. Only a few inches away. “I’m man enough to beat you up.”

“Then do it.” But before anything could happen, a woman came behind him. It was the mans girlfriend. “Hey, who are these people?” “Nobody,” he answered.

“We are not nobody, your boyfriend here got issues. He came up to us and harassed us.”

"He interrupted our shopping," Guanheng quickly added.

“I’m sorry, he just gets angry sometimes. Bye,” she pulled him away.

Guanheng and Dejun went to a place without people.

Dejun got mad, “Jesus Christ. Why the fuck didn’t you do anything?”

“I tried to pull you away.”

“Why? He was harassing us; we should defend ourselves.”

“I…maybe you’re right. But I didn’t want to waste time on him, he obviously won’t change. Lucky his girlfriend came, or else something definitely would’ve happened.”

“Maybe I wanted things to happen.”

“Why? Are you deliberately trying to find trouble?”

“No, I just wanted to see how far he’d go. I just wanted people to see what a horrible man he is.”

“You…this is why I don’t want to PDA.”

Dejun calmed down and looked at Guanheng tenderly, “I can understand that. But,” he sighed. “I don’t think we should be afraid if these things happen.”

“I’m not, I just think life will be better if we don’t encounter these situations.”

“You’re right, but if that means not being able to go out with you then I’d rather encounter it every day. We’re not doing anything wrong. The problem is them.”

“I guess you’re right. I just don’t want you to get hurt,” Guanheng caressed his cheek. “They can’t hurt me. Only you can.” They got back to where the public was, Guanheng ceased any signs of them being a couple. It hurt Dejun, but he understood why, and accepted it. But he soon wouldn’t.

On a hot summer’s day, the two of them followed their friends to a waterpark. There were many shirtless people, given that they were in a place full of water during summer. And Guanheng, a beautiful, handsome young man, of course he would get looks. Eyes glued on him, and he enjoyed it. Dejun didn’t as much. He wanted a shirtless Guanheng to be his, and his only. To be only seen by him. Dejun was annoyed that he couldn’t make him put on his shirt. It was his body after all.

What angered him most, was when two girls walked up to them and asked for his number. Guanheng took their phone and gave them the wrong number. But the girls didn’t know that so they left with a satisfied smile on their face. Guanheng smiled politely.

Dejun was the only one not smiling, he glared at Guanheng and then went to catch up with his friends. The rest of the day he ignored him and had fun with half of their friends. The rest of them was with Guanheng.

They asked Dejun what was wrong. “Why don’t you go ask Guanheng,” he said. They did, but all they found out was that Guanheng did a mistake.

At the end of the day their friends got sick of them not talking to each other. So they dragged them with them to the studio where they could talk out, if not, then they would force them to. Their friends didn’t sign up for having their fay ruined by the lover birds.

Dejun apologized to them. “I’m sorry Guanheng ruined your day.”

“No,” Sicheng said, “You ignored him and you won’t even tell us why.”

“You don’t know what he did, if you knew then you’d be angry with him too.”

“Guanheng, what exactly happened?” Kun asked.

“Fine, I’ll tell you. I kinda…gave some girls my number. But a fake number.”

“You did what?”

“I gave some girls my phone number, but a fake number!” Guanheng shouted. They all shut up in an instant. Guanheng was annoyed that they were pushing so hard. He hated that they were right, he felt shame and guilt.

“I’m sorry, A’zeon,” he said in Cantonese. “He said he was sorry,” Xuxi whispered. “Yeah, we get that. That wasn’t hard,” Yangyang said. Dejun sighed heavily, “You know what? I don’t wanna do this here with you guys. Guanheng, let’s go.”

They walked the five-minute walk to Guanheng’s place in silence. When they arrived Dejun slammed the door. “Fuck you.”

“I-“

“Kunhang, are we friends?”

“Yes.”

“So are we just friends?”

“No, we’re more than friends, we’re-.“

“It doesn’t feel like it. You know, as soon as we leave this room, you’re just my friend. It feels like I’m not your boyfriend. And when you give out your number like that-”

“It was a fake number.”

“But they don’t know it, do they? They left so happily, thinking that they might have a shot with you. And I stood by and watch everything happen before me, am I just supposed to ignore that people can just walk up to my boyfriend and flirt with him? I don’t even know if we really are dating with shit like that happens.” Guanheng was silent. “Do you see me as your boyfriend? You don’t treat me like it when we’re out. And if you’re going to be like this…I think I want to break up.”

Guanheng’s eyes shot up, he quickly grabbed Dejun’s hand. “No, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. Please, don’t do it. I’m sorry, give me one more chance. I’ll make it better. I know it was a stupid mistake. Just, please. Let me make it up to you.”

Dejun felt a tug in his heart, it was hard to not love him. “Kunhang, I’m not breaking up with you.”

“Okay, good!” He breathed out, “cause I love you, and I wouldn’t know what to do if you did.” Guanheng pulled him into a tight hug. “A’hang, relax. I’m not gonna leave you. I love you too.”

“So, are we alright?”

“Yes, but I still hope you can be more comfortable when we are in public. At least tell the girls to go if some ever come up to you and flirt.”

"I’ll do that. I’m really sorry”

Dejun leaned back to look into Guanheng’s eyes, arms still around each other’s waists. “A’hang, can you promise me some things?”

“Yeah, anything.”

“Okay, so, you know how relationships can be really fragile?”

“Mhm, like now. You were close to breaking up with me.”

“No, I wasn’t. Anyway, the thing is, I don’t want a relationship that only lasts for a few months and then go back to being nothing. I want us to work on this relationship because I don’t want it to be wasted.”

“Okay, I agree.”

“After these few months, I’ve realized that I worry a lot whenever you don’t pick up your phone. So when you see a missed call can you please call me back when you can?”

“Of course, you do the same.”

“I will. Another thing is, you know most relationships ends with the other lying, so can you please never lie? You know I value honesty a lot.”

“Okay, I won’t. I wouldn’t be able to lie to you anyways, you’d see right through me.”

“That’s true, you’re easy to read.”

“Only you think like that.”

“Yeah, that’s why you are mine.” They leaned in and kissed lightly.

“Can I say something too?” Guanheng asked as he put his forehead on Dejun’s. “Of course, no need to ask.”

“Can you trust me? Trust that no matter how many mistakes I make, or how big they are, that you’ll trust in me to make things better.”

“What are you talking about? How many mistakes are you going to make?”

“Just hypothetically. Do you trust me?” Dejun looked firmly into his eyes, “I trust you.”

After that moment, their relationship was smooth sailing. It was healthy and they were happy. Dejun wasn’t as obvious in public but still did the things he wanted to do, and Guanheng no longer rejected his actions. Even he would take initiative and hug or hold hands in public, and they were happier than ever.

They spent much more time together, and often would ditch their friends to be alone when they got a little too chaotic. They went on dates.

Their favorite kind of date was karaoke dates. They would sing their hearts out to their favorite songs, eat as much of the fruit there that was served there and kiss a lot. The good thing about karaoke was that they were alone in a dark, soundproof room where no one else could see nor hear them. So they often got drunk and would end up doing dirty things. Making out led to having sex. Which happened more times than they were willing to admit. When they got drunk, they would go back to Guanheng’s place and pass out, it was good that he lived alone, if any of them, especially Dejun, would come home drunk they would have received hell.

As time passed by, the times Dejun stayed over became more frequent. And they were happy, they were happily in love. 


	2. Prologue 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guanheng gives Dejun a number of surprises for his birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! 
> 
> This is the shortest chapter, I wrote it back in january so it might be a little crappy. I rewrote the first chapter and finished today. Initially the first prologue was three chapters, but they were so short so I decided to smush them together to one chapter. 
> 
> Anyway, this is a fun chapter so enjoy! ;)

The two of them were the only one’s left in the studio, and it was after eleven pm. In less than an hour it would be Dejun’s birthday. Guanheng was ready to give him everything. He planned on stealing him to his place and celebrate alone first, because on the night of his birthday they would celebrate together with their friends.

Guanheng sat and edited on a video, while Dejun sat and played the guitar while singing silently. Guanheng looked back at Dejun, “Let’s leave soon, I have some things I want to do with you.” Dejun looked up, he was confused of what was going to happen, but he smiled. “Okay,” he said.

They left half past eleven and they walked the five-minute walk from the studio to Guanheng’s place as usual. It was unexpectedly warm for being so late during an early autumn, but none of them had nothing against it. Dejun smiled happily, walking next to his boyfriend. He peeked at him, who wasn’t really looking anywhere, probably deep in his thoughts.

“What are you planning on? Is it something for my birthday?”

”You’ll have to see, patience is the key, A’zeon.” Dejun sighed, “You know, sometimes you can really be a pain in the ass.”

“That’s true, but you still love me. And besides, when we’re there, you’ll love it. So enjoy the moment you don’t have it, or else you won’t appreciate it as much. Besides that, I want to see your genuine reactions, so I’m not telling.” Dejun had to admit that Guanheng argued tremendously well.

Dejun pouted, “Now _that_ is true. When did you become so wise?”

“I’ve always been this wise,” Guanheng said, “It’s just…” he opened the gate, “I’m only revealing it now.”

Inside, Dejun took Guanheng’s hand in his, “You’re full of surprises, Wong Kunhang.”

They went up the stairs and through a long corridor, then they arrived at Guanheng’s apartment. The apartment wasn’t big, but it wasn't small either. You walked in and then there was the living room, on the right side was an open kitchen and next to it the bathroom. There was no other room, but the living room had a secluded area where he kept his bed and closet. You could call it a bedroom, but there was nothing but a bookshelf separating it from the living room and kitchen.

They took off their shoes and jackets. Guanheng went to the kitchen whereas Dejun went straight to the couch and turned the TV on.

“Is there anything good on TV nowadays?” Dejun asked.

“Not really, but you know that show, uh, ‘The Untamed’ is on air again,” Guanheng replied, while opening a bottle of wine. Holding two wineglasses, he joined Dejun on the couch. It was episode 36 of The Untamed and Dejun watched it, Guanheng on the other side kept glancing on his phone, keeping track of the time.

“Why do you keep looking at your phone? Do you have side chicks?”

“No you silly. Funny how you asked right on time. It’s the eight now! Happy birthday, my love,” Guanheng shouted, he threw his arms around him and showered him with kisses.

“No!” Dejun shouted, but his smile told Guanheng otherwise.

“What do you mean? ‘No’, you love it when I shower you with kisses.” And he was right, Dejun was smiling from eye to eye.

“Thank you,” he said, and made Guanheng stop by kissing him on the lips.

“I have a gift for you,” Guanheng said, and left the couch. He went to the nightstand by his bed and pulled a drawer out, from which he took a small box. Dejun watched him curiously, following his moves. Guanheng returned to his seat and handed the box to Dejun. “Open it,” he said.

Dejun grabbed the box, it was a tiny box where only jewelries could fit in, but this particular box was slightly bigger. It was simple black box with a green and silver lining on it, he gave Guanheng a look, then opened it. Inside it was a bracelet, made up of green beads and silver . It was a jade bracelet. Dejun gasped and looked at his boyfriend, who with anticipating eyes was smiling widely. “Do you like it?”

“I love it, it’s beautiful. But you really didn’t have to, it must’ve been so expensive,” Dejun said.

“It’s alright, you deserve it. Look at the beads,” Guanheng said. Dejun did as Guanheng wanted, and on three of them had three words carved in, filled with silver. Dejun read it out loud.

“Huang Guanheng,” he looked at the other. “Wow, it must’ve been _really_ expensive,” Dejun said, feeling a little guilty that so much money was spent on him.

“Don’t lose it and wear it often, then it’ll be worth it,” Guanheng said, “Let me put it on for you.” He picked it up and secured it around Dejun’s left wrist.

“I’m never taking this off,” he said and kissed Guanheng’s cheek.

“I’m glad you like it, now let’s eat some cake.” Guanheng took the wine and pulled Dejun to the kitchen, “Just sit and wait for me to prepare everything, birthday boy,” Guanheng said.

“Okay,” Dejun said, he sat by the countertop while sipping wine, and looked at Guanheng, on the opposite side, go to the fridge. Inside the refrigerator had nothing but a cake. A matcha cake perfect for Dejun’s taste. Guanheng brought it in front of Dejun, it said “Happy 21st Birthday Xiao Dejun, my favorite person in the whole world”.

Dejun was the happiest at this moment. Everything Guanheng did was perfect. He lit the candle and turned the lights off. “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.” He finished the song and clapped eagerly. Dejun gave him a big applaud as well, for his one man show, “Thank you, you’re truly the best.”

“It’s nothing. I just want to do what I can for you. Now make a wish.” Dejun closed his eyes and held his hands together, then blew out the candle.

“Yay, what did you wish for?”

Dejun smirked, “It’s a secret,” he teased.

“Ey, why won’t you tell me?”

“Because you’ll find out sooner or later.”

Across from each other, they ate the cake without cutting it. “It’s delicious,” Dejun said.

“It really is, I didn’t think I would like it much,” Guanheng confessed.

“Anything with matcha is good, impossible to not like.” Dejun said.

“According to you yes.”

“Shut up,” Dejun whined, making Guanheng laugh.

“So how does it feel, being 21 now? You’re a year older than me now.”

“Nothing is really different, except that I’m happier,” Dejun said, giving him a meaning look. “And yes, I am a year older, so treat me respectfully now. No tickling me,” he said firmly.

“Now, if I’d listen to you, I still wouldn’t mind. It’ only two months, less than two months. But I’m not going to listen to you. So-“ Guanheng reached for Dejun’s neck.

Dejun twitched, “No! Watch the glasses, you idiot.” He grabbed Guanheng’s hands and held them firmly, not letting them do anything mischievous. “Please don’t.”

“Okay.”

They gazed at each other lovingly, rocking their hands. “I still have one more gift,” Guanheng said.

“There’s more!? Isn’t the bracelet enough?”

“Don’t worry, it’s nothing expensive, but very usable. I am actually nervous about this one, but I hope you’ll like it, and not taken aback.” He went to the nightstand again and got another small box, then took a seat on the stool next to Dejun. He gave the box to Dejun.

“You’re making me nervous.” It was a plain white box, not much. It didn’t weight much either, he wondered what it could be. And he had an idea. “I think I know what it is,” Dejun said.

“Hurry up and open it! I’m nervous.” They giggled out of butterflies and excitement, just like they did when Dejun confessed.

“Okay, I’ll open it now.” He removed the lid and revealed what was lying inside. It was a key. “Is this…a key to your apartment?” Guanheng nodded.

“I’m not asking you to move in, that would be too much. But now you’re welcome to come and go as you want. I love having you here. When you’re not, it just feels empty.” Dejun smiled, it was all he could do in that moment. He stared at the key he was holding. It showed how much Guanheng trusted him, and how much he Guanheng loved him. '

“I love you,” he said, looking straight into Guanheng’s eyes. “I love you too.”

Dejun got up, “we need to initiate my new…part-time home,” he laughed. He walked to the door, put on his shoes and jacket. “Lock the door, then pretend to do something.”

“Okay.”

Dejun was outside and waited for a few seconds, and attached the key to his key chain, it had four keys now. One for his home, one for the studio, one for work, and now, a key to Guanheng’s home. He smiled and thought, what on earth did he do to deserve such an amazing boyfriend. To deserve Guanheng? It was something he couldn’t quite understand, but he would everything to keep him.

He almost knocked on the door, it was a habit, he laughed. He had a key now. So he unlocked the door with they key he had – his key.

He was approached by Guanheng who shouted, “Oh honey! You’re home!” in a high-pitched voice, “How was your day?” Guanheng joked, pretending to be a housewife. They both started to laugh, laugh at how silly they were. Their laughter died out and then Dejun closed the door, slowly.

They stood there for a while, looking at each other, looking at each other’s lips. For a moment, everything around them had vanished. Beginning to feel a little dizzy, maybe it was the effect of the wine.

“There was a reason for why I wanted to celebrate with you alone.” Silence. Guanheng didn’t continue to tell what the reason was, but they both already knew it. “Kunhang, if you don’t kiss me now, I’m breaking up with you.” Guanheng attached his lips on Dejun’s, he pushed him back against the door, which he simultaneously locked. Dejun thought it was impressive.

It was getting hot; their breaths grew heavier as their kisses grew more desperate. Guanheng slid his hands inside Dejun’s shirt, around the waist, it made him whimper. Feeling proud of himself, Guanheng smiled.

Dejun moved his hands from Guanheng’s chest to under his hips and pulled him closer. Then his hands went inside Guanheng’s pants, by the waistband, feeling his skin.

The touches of each other aroused their nerves, Guanheng moved his mouth to Dejun’s neck and kissed him aggressively, which felt like electric shots. Guanheng continued lower, down to the collarbones, “Your jacket,” he said. Dejun quickly removed his jacket and kicked his shoes off.

Guanheng went back to Dejun’s mouth, starting a make out session. Dejun pushed Guanheng on their way to the couch, his hands sliding through Guanheng’s soft hair. They fell on the couch, Guanheng on top of Dejun, they stopped for a while, letting the passion calm down a little bit. Dejun took off his shirt and helped Guanheng with his two layers.

“Tell me how you want it,” Guanheng said, almost like a whisper. “Your mouth, tongue, kissing all my weak spots.” Guanheng smiled, “Your wish is my command.” He started to lick and kiss all the places he would tickle, except for the armpits and feet. He kissed the neck, his ears, his waist.

While Guanheng worked with his mouth on Dejun’s bare skin laid in front of him, Dejun stroked his right hand down Guanheng’s spine, down to the front and unbuttoned his jeans. Guanheng smiled, and he kissed Dejun’s shoulder, brushed his lips down Dejun’s arm while also caressing along. When he reached the wrist, where the bracelet was, he kissed it and continued out to the hand, and held it against his lips.

Dejun observed him, he thought Guanheng looked beautiful, it was mesmerizing seeing him do it.

Dejun slid his hand inside Guanheng jeans, which was considerably easier now that they were unbuttoned. He grabbed his ass, causing Guanheng to whimper. Dejun moved his right hand from Guanheng’s ass to his neck, and brought him down for a kiss, then with his left hand, went from the cheek down to his crotch.

He put his hands inside the underpants, and grabbed his cock, starting to rub back and forth. Guanheng moaned into Dejun’s mouth, his breath crashing into Dejun’s. It was getting hotter and hotter, as Dejun went faster and faster, and precum started to come out. Guanheng’s knees got weaker and he soon couldn’t hold himself up longer, he ran his hand up inside Dejun’s thighs, where he could feel his heat.

Dejun pulled Guanheng’s pants down to his ankles, getting annoyed of the cloth that restricted his movements. Guanheng helped and kicked them off.

Dejun forced himself up, and switched places with Guanheng, now he was on top and Guanheng bottom. “Hey, I want to be top,” Guanheng whined, feeling powerless.

“Then make me fall for you,” he challenged.

Guanheng was not going to let Dejun have his way, not if it meant Dejun was the one giving. Guanheng summoned some strength and with his hands, forced Dejun’s pants down. Both of them now completely naked, except for Dejun’s wrist, that was dressed in the jade bracelet, they could explore each other’s bodies freely.

Guanheng with his left hand caressed Dejun from the waist, to his ass, back to his hip and then down his outer thigh, his right hand reached for the crotch.

“Gosh, you’re hard already,” Guanheng teased, satisfied that not only he was craving. He gave a last kiss on Dejun’s lower lip and chin, then kissed his nipples instead. Sucking on them, breathing on them, licking and kissing them. He was about to turn the tables again, and since he was slightly bigger and stronger than Dejun, it enabled him to do what he wanted to do.

He pushed Dejun up, his hands on Dejun’s legs, he grabbed them and put them around his waist firmly, not hesitating. He pulled him closer to him, and then looked into Dejun’s eyes fiercely. He got to his feet, and stood up, carrying Dejun on his hips.

Dejun, amazed by what his boyfriend was doing, could only look at him and wait for what was going to happen. Guanheng took them to the bed, at the same time making out.

Then Dejun opened his eyes as he noticed some flickering lights. There were candles lit, Dejun thought he must’ve lit them when he was outside, when he told him to pretend to do something. But he didn’t pretend, he was preparing for this.

Dejun was touched, by all of the thigs Guanheng had prepared for this day.

Guanheng laid Dejun on his bed, noticing hos Dejun looked at the candles, “do you like it?”

“I love it,” Dejun said, kissing him.

Guanheng was now the dominant, the one giving, just like he wanted. He caressed and rubbed his hand on Dejun’s crotch, making him leak. It grew longer as harder he got, Guanheng happy about what he could do to Dejun, he kissed down to his stomach, then continued down, almost reaching Dejun’s dick.

His lips brushed against Dejun’s length, when Dejun said, “Kunhang, fuck me, then suck me off.” He begged, “Please.” Guanheng smiled. “What my princess wants, my princess gets.” Guanheng inserted his fingers in Dejun, massaging him inside, causing Dejun to moan like he had never done before. "So good." 

“Where is that lube?” Dejun asked desperately.

“Still here,” Guanheng said and pulled the drawer on the nightstand, where he left all his precious things. The lube was from the few previous times they had sex. Dejun took it from him and helped him put the lube on his penis. Gently stroking it, making Guanheng moan. He continued to rub, making him harder.

"Okay, enough," Guanheng flipped Dejun on his stomach, with his hard

Guanheng put his hands on Dejun’s hips, “You ready, baby?” he asked.

“Just do it already,” Dejun groaned, getting desperate. Guanheng smiled, his heart was already beating fast, but it went hundred times faster now that he was going to fuck his boyfriend, his tensed legs and crotch itched as hell. He grabbed Dejun’s ass, it was tight and beautiful, and started to drive it inside his asshole.

Dejun whimpered, the sensation of being penetrated was intense. Guanheng felt everything get harder and tighter as he moved his hips back and forth, getting more pleasure for each second, he moaned. Their hot skin rubbed against each other and their sweat almost made it easier for Guanheng to thrust in.

He leaned closer to Dejun, almost laying on top of him. His breath hit Dejun’s neck, and he started to grind.

Dejun groaned, grabbing the bedsheets, “deeper”, he whined. Guanheng went deeper, enjoying it as much as Dejun, if not more. Dejun felt his hand being wrapped, it was Guanheng’s hand holding his. Dejun was surprised, in a good way. He loved how he was taken care of. Loving the way his boyfriend was filling him up.

Guanheng was going faster than a speed train. Dejun loved how Guanheng moaned shamelessly into his ear, the sound almost prettier than his favorite songs.

“I’m close,” Guanheng said.

"Me too."

They reached the peak and Guanheng came inside Dejun, while Dejun came on the sheets He pulled out and fell next to Dejun, breathing heavily, they looked into each other’s eyes. Dejun could’ve sworn there was a fire in Guanheng’s eyes, and the messy hair and rosy cheeks, Dejun thought he was the most beautiful person in the world.

“You’re so sexy,” he said. For him, Guanheng alone would already be enough for a birthday gift.

“Time to suck you off,” Guanheng said and quickly sat up.

“So eager,” Dejun commented, but feeling eager himself, he followed Guanheng. Picking up where they left before, Guanheng kissed Dejun’s crotch, then swirled his tongue around and up and down the shaft, then took him in. He wrapped his hand around the base, what his mouth couldn’t reach, and stroked it.

Dejun made airy noises and groaned, feeling ready to come again any second. He held his hands on Guanheng’s head, messing his hair up even more. Guanheng was teasing, now slowing down, “Wong Kunhang!” Dejun shouted.

Guanheng smirked and looked up, making eye contact, his teeth brushing against the dick. Dejun whined, the sight of Guanheng swallowing him, having him in his mouth, was the hottest he had ever seen him.

“Oh my god, you’re so hot. Just do whatever you want to me,” Dejun said. Giving up, surrendering himself to Guanheng’s control. Guanheng continued, going faster than he did before, the sound from Dejun encouraging him.

At last, Dejun’s orgasm came out, and he did his best to swallow it all. Dejun started to relax. He breathed heavily, as if he just ran thousand miles. Guanheng went to lie next to him, and was welcomed with Dejun’s loving arms, and eyes looking at him with the candles flickering in his eyes.

Guanheng felt weak, those big shimmering eyes glued on him. “You’re amazing, A’hang, thank you for everything.” Dejun gave him a kiss, it was slow, and their hot wet tongues tied together, giving each other’s warmth.

“Everything and anything for you, my love.”

Dejun opened his eyes again, “So you wanted to give me birthday sex? Was that the reason you wanted to celebrate alone?” he teased.

“Not only that, I wanted to do all these things we just did, it would be weird if there were people around.”

“True, it was perfect, and this was the best sex we’ve had so far.”

“No argue about that,” Guanheng smiled and pulled him closer to Dejun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the first time I wrote smut, re-reading it now made me realize it is a little crappy...but I'm still proud of it. :] I still hadn't read as much smut as I have done now. So...
> 
> Thank you for reading! I hope you liked it! Please comment, any feedback is appreciated! :)
> 
> READING YOUR OWN SMUT IS SO FUNNY I CAN'T OGSDNASKBVDSL I'M CACKLING  
> It's delaying the upload of this chapter lmaoooo


	3. Prologue 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Lunar's New Year, Dejun takes Guanheng with him to celebrate with his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for continuing reading! If you are. This is the last prologue chapter! At first when I started to write this story, I didn't know whether I wanted to write about the time before Guanheng disappears. But I decided to do it and make it the prologue. So this is extremely cheesy, but it's the last chapter of fluff! Kind of. So enjoy! Because from here, it'll be a bumpy ride! >:)

“Are you nervous?” Dejun asked, on their way to his family. It was the first time Guanheng was going to celebrate Lunar’s New Year with his boyfriend, away from his own family, of course he was nervous, but he wouldn’t let Dejun know.

“Not really,” he said, “I’ve met your family before, they are good people. And I’m going to be in the background so, there is nothing to be nervous about,” walking up the stairs to Dejun’s home.

“Sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself,” Dejun pointed out.

“Okay fine. Yes, I’m super nervous. What if they suspect us?” Guanheng was worried about coming out, about their relationship, and the last thing he wanted was to cause any trouble in Dejun’s life.

“I’ve said this millions of times, if they find out, then let them. They will be fine with it. They aren’t against it. And even if they were, they wouldn’t be able to do anything.” Dejun assured his boyfriend, rubbing his hand on Guanheng back, but slowed down and stopped when they arrived at the entrance.

“Okay, I trust you,” Guanheng said.

“Good, as you should, just relax and everything will be fine.”

In front of them was a big wooden door, decorated with a big red rhomb with the word “fu/福” on in golden, and red talismans with blessings, also in golden, on the sides and above the door. On top of that, the door was also dressed in red paper cutouts of oxen with hearts around.

The sight was beautiful, as it had a childish image but also balanced with some maturity. “Right, it’s the year of the ox, was it you who did this?” Guanheng asked and pointed at the hearts.

Dejun let out a guilty laugh, “Yes, pretty obvious right?” He said and fumbled with the keys.

“It’s cute,” Guanheng stated, with his eyes on the on the oxen with hearts, but soon realized that Dejun was taking too long with opening the door.

“Hey, what’s going on?” He asked but then noticed that Dejun was shaking.

“Hey, are you nervous? You _just_ told me not to be nervous, but you are?”

“Hey, I ever said you couldn’t be, I just don’t want you to be.”

“Why not? If you’re nervous then I’m nervous. And why are you even nervous, listen to your own advice.”

“Yeah, well. This time of year is for you to reveal your girlfriend, not inviting random friends. My family is going to know about us.”

“You said there is nothing to worry about and that we’ll be fine.”

“Yes I know,” Dejun scoffed and crouched down, “It’s just that I’m nervous, I’m not worried or scared. Just nervous.” He said and exhaled. Right that moment, a door opened, both Guanheng and Dejun startled, jumped up and backed away, Dejun quickly stood next to Guanheng. But the couple in the hallway sighed out of relief when they saw Dejun’s next door neighbor.

It was not Dejun’s family, who they feared it would be. The neighbor was an old man and he soon realized that he startled them. He laughed for himself, “Pardon me,” he said and waved his hand.

“No, it’s okay,” Dejun said and respectfully greeted him. “Happy new year and may your health be good,” he blessed him. Guanheng followed what Dejun was doing and said some blessings.

“Good boys, happy new year,” he said and left. Dejun and Guanheng exchanged looks, once again sighing out of relief. But then the moments of peace were abruptly broken.

This time it was Dejun’s mother who opened the door, she peeked her head out, with a confused look. “Hey, what are you doing out there? Come in already.” Dejun and Guanheng stood still, like two deer caught in headlights. It seemed liked she hadn’t seen Guanheng, it wasn’t until she opened the door and tried to drag her son in when she saw him.

“Ah! Kunhang, you’re here! Good, good. Come in. Happy new year.” Dejun smiled at how friendly his mother was being, though it wasn’t a surprise for him. His mother practically dragged his boyfriend inside, and he could only follow them inside. He took of his shoes and changed to his slippers, and his mother was already on it to give Guanheng a pair of slippers he could borrow.

In the living room, was Dejun’s brother and his wife, his grandfather and grandmother, an uncle with his wife and their three kids. This wasn’t all of them, more of Dejun’s relatives would come, and it would literally be a full house.

It was only four in the afternoon and they would eat hotpot for dinner. Guanheng said “Happy new year,” to everyone in the room, and presented himself as Dejun’s friend. Then sat himself down next to Dejun’s brother.

“Happy new year,” Dejun greeted his relatives and said happy new year to each of them, to his younger cousins he gave red envelopes with money. “Don’t lose them, okay?” he said, before handing it to them.

He then joined his boyfriend, who was having a full conversation with his brother and sister in law.

“Hey, what are you talking about?” Dejun asked.

“Nothing,” Guanheng said sharply, which made Dejun scoff. Obviously, they were talking about something.

“What, are you talking about me? Is it a secret?”

”You? What’s so interesting about you?” Guanheng teased.

“Ey, don’t humiliate me,” he said and patted Guanheng’s shoulder. Guanheng let out a soft airy chuckle. Dejun noticed that he and Guanheng was being observed by his brother and his wife, his eyes went from them to Guanheng, back and forth. Guanheng was now confessing that he had talked about Rainbow V and the relationship between the two of them with the brother, but Dejun could only listen with one ear as he wondered what his brother was thinking about.

“Hey, are you even listening?” Guanheng asked, finally regaining Dejun’s attention.

“What? Oh, uh. Yes,” he tried to say play it off casually, but Guanheng rolled his eyes, knowing very well that what he had been saying didn’t reach out.

Guanheng hit Dejun lightly. “Listen to me when I speak, please. What happened to your manners?”

“Ow,” was all Dejun said and rubbed his arm.

“It wasn’t even hard!”

“Well, still. You don’t hit your boy-“ Dejun instantly shut his mouth. He pressed his lips and looked down, that was close, he thought. He sighed and looked at Guanheng, who couldn’t look at him. With an awkward smile he looked up, avoiding eye contact with anyone.

“What did you say?” Dejun’s brother asked and leaned forward.

“Nothing, just that you shouldn’t hit people.”

“Really? Sounded like you were going to say something else,” he said smiling.

“No, what would I say?”

“I don’t know, you tell me.” Dejun sighed, knowing very well that his brother was already suspicious of the two of them dating. Dejun’s sister in law then left them, without saying a word, making the whole situation more awkward than it already was.

All of a sudden, Dejun’s grandmother took her seat next to Dejun, “A’zeon, let me tell you something. New year is all about family, friends rarely spend time together in occasions like this, but you know that already. So your friend here must be really important to you here, am I right?” She had her hand on Dejun’s shoulder and talked very closely to him, he could feel the sincerity.

He nodded and gave her a smile, thankful for her words. He wasn’t really trying to hide the truth, just trying to tone it down a bit so it wouldn’t come as such a shock, even though he knew they were going to accept it pretty well. “Yeah, he means a lot to me.” Dejun answered.

Guanheng sat and listened to what they were saying, feeling grateful for these people, and that Dejun was surrounded by such goodhearted people. It made his own heart warm. And next to Guanheng was Dejun’s brother, observing quietly with a smirk.

Dejun looked at him and shot a glare. “Hey, is there anything you want to tell me?”

”No, nothing. I’m not hiding something, unlike someone else here.” Dejun hastily leaned back and rolled his eyes, with folded arms.

It took half an hour for all of their relatives to arrive. During dinner, the adults sat around a big wooden table, which was fortunately not very tight since some parents had to feed their kids, leaving more place to the other who were eating.

Dejun and Guanheng ate and conversed, immersed in their own world as they didn’t really have anything to talk about with people double their age. Then the aunt on Guanheng’s left side patted on his shoulder.

“What do you think? Does the food suit your taste?”

Guanheng nodded, “Yes, it’s delicious.”

“Tell me, you’re not from around here, are you?”

“No, I’m from Macau, but I’ve lived here in Guangdong, in Guangzhou for three years now.”

“Ah, I see. So is your family still in Macau?”

“Yes that’s why I’m here and not with them, because the weather is causing troubles so I can’t get home.” The aunt silenced. She looked at him, then at Dejun. “Ey, that can’t be the only reason you’re here, right?” Guanheng stuttered some sounds, not knowing what to say, so Dejun cut in.

“Well, he’s my friend, so I invited him so he wouldn’t be alone. That wouldn’t be good.”

“Of course, no one should be alone during the holidays. But A’zeon, define ‘friend’. Is he your good friend, or your boyfriend?” Dejun and Guanheng both dropped their chin. Before they could answer, a loud “attention” was heard. They looked across the table, where Dejun’s brother was standing up.

“I have something important to announce. I find it very fitting to tell you all now, and it’s something you are going to be happy about. I hope. Or else it would be weird.” He looked at his wife and pulled her up, before saying anything they looked at each other with loving, excited eyes and smiled.

Dejun could almost guess what they were going to say. “I’m pregnant,” she said. “I’m going to be a father!” He screamed.

Dejun’s mother immediately went up to her daughter in law and gave her a hug. “Finally, it’s about time I get some grandchildren.” The room filled up with excitement and joy. Hugs were given, and greetings to the child, who was probably no older than a month.

Dejun and Guanheng sat still, it was too crowded for them. It didn’t stop them from congratulating them though, “Congratulations brother, I’m happy for you. I hope the child will like you, for its own sake,” he joked.

“You little naughty boy,” he sighed.

“Hey, you said you didn’t have anything to say, that you weren’t hiding something. And you obviously lied.”

“Well, I guess I did lie. And I’m pretty sure you also have something to tell us.” Dejun knew his brother was just encouraging him to tell his family about his relationship, but he was thinking of Guanheng, who had always been very careful and sensitive about people knowing about them.

But he also knew that Guanheng had nothing to worry about when it came to his family. He leaned in to Guanheng’s ear with a hand on his leg.

“Trust me,” he whispered. Everyone in the room had their eyes on him, curious about what he was going to say, but also expecting the same thing. “Uh, I think it’s pretty clear why Kunhang is here, and also the relationship between me and him. So, what you’re thinking is probably right. I don’t think I have to say it out loud for you to understand, right?” He let an awkward laugh out.

His relatives turned to each other to confirm what they were thinking, and all of them smiled. Their blessings overlapped each other, but Dejun and Guanheng both thanked them. Sincerely. Dejun’s mother went to hug them and kiss them, in a sense, she got another son. Dejun’s father came and hug them as well, feeling proud of his younger son for being brave like him.

After dinner, Guanheng, who worked as a dishwasher, was called for helping with the dishes, and Dejun had to cut fruits for their guests. Guanheng didn’t protest, even though he would when he was with their group of friends. He did it because he had no way out, but also because he wanted to, to show them he was grateful for feeding him and letting him in their house. For letting him be with his son.

Dejun cut oranges, and peeled pomelos, then served them next to a bag of tangerines.

“Here, finish everything please. It was really hard cutting them.” He sat himself down, waiting for Guanheng.

One of his little cousins came up to him, “Hey, when are you going to post more dance videos with all your friends?” Dejun was kind of a celebrity within their relatives, his younger cousins were fans of his videos.

“I don’t know, little guy, when we have time and feel like it.” And patted his head.

“But you always feel like it. Why isn’t Sicheng brother here?”

“Because he’s with his family in Wenzhou, all of them are with their families, so we’ll continue when they’re back.”

The little cousin nodded, “But why is Kunhang here and not with his family?” Dejun didn’t know what to answer and said, “You’ll have to ask him.”

“Okay. I really like your last video. Can you dance it for me?” Dejun felt flattered, “You mean Power by EXO? You like it?”

“Yeah, I love it,” the kid nodded. Guanheng then came from the kitchen, exhausted of washing the dishes.

“Kunhang, come here.” Guanheng lowered himself by Dejun’s feet, “I don’t want to exaggerate, but it felt like I was back at work.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” he said and leaned on Dejun’s legs.

“Well, my little cousin here wants us to dance, I hope you’re not too tired for that.” Guanheng’s body rose, “Do you now? What would you like to see?”

“Power!” The child shouted. Dejun brought out his phone and searched for the song, the child was excited about them dancing and told everyone, saving Dejun and Guanheng the trouble of telling everyone to watch out.

Dejun gave the phone to his little cousin, and then occupied the floor with Guanheng.

“Click play when you’re ready, little guy.” Dejun said. The kid instantly played the song and gave himself a live show. The rest of Dejun’s relatives watched with one eye, but the main audience was the little kid. The kid shouted out of joy, “You are the best!”

The song came to and end and Guanheng fell to the ground, panting on the floor. “Hey, now you’re exaggerating,” Dejun said, and breathed heavily himself. The kid applauded and some other kids did as well. “Again, again, again!” They danced a few times more, different songs each time, View, Monster, Tempo and Good Evening. After the fourth song, they couldn’t continue, but the little child was persistent and never stopped nagging.

“Hey, be quiet. We’re not like the videos on your mother’s phone where you can watch repeatedly without stopping. This is real life, where people need to rest,” Guanheng said, while lying on the floor.

“Get your child!” Dejun shouted to the mother. The child held onto Dejun’s leg, “No! I don’t want to.”

“How can I dance if you are clinging on me?” Dejun said. The child was shut speechless, “Uh, okay,” then let go of his older cousin. Then the mother came and picked the child up, “Don’t bother them anymore, look how tired they are already. They’ve been nice enough to dance not once, not twice, but five times for you. Say thank you and apologize for troubling them.” The child obeyed her and said the words.

Guanheng and Dejun looked at each other, feeling beaten but full of adrenaline as well. “Do you want to leave?” Dejun asked.

“Where?” Guanheng asked. Dejun looked up. “The roof?” Dejun nodded, and with a smile, Guanheng said okay. Dejun pulled his hand to the exit door, walked past the people watching TV.

“We’re just going to get some air,” he said. They switched from slippers to shoes and grabbed their jackets. When running through the corridor, they encountered the old neighbor again, they greeted him once again, who was about to greet them but got distracted by their locked hands. He didn’t get the chance to say anything, as the two boys hurriedly ran away.

They ran up the stairs and out through a door, the reached the rooftop, where they were hit by extremely cold air.

“What’s the rush, Dakzeon? It’s freezing put here,” and quickly put on his jacket.

“Nothing, I just wanted to kiss you,” Dejun said and did what he wanted. He melted into Guanheng’s embrace, with his arms around his waist. The kiss lasted for a while, but eventually came to an end.

“You should put on your jacket, or else you’re going to freeze and then ask for my warmth,” Guanheng scolded.

“Would that be so bad?”

“No, but I wouldn’t want you to be cold, right?”

“Of course not,” Dejun smiled, “but I’m not cold, I’m rather hot after dancing so much.”

“Me too, but you know that you’re going to get cold after a while, so you better put it on.”

Dejun laughed, “Okay.” And he put it on. They looked around themselves and saw nothing but piles of snow, snow that was slowly melting and some dead plants by the walls.

Dejun pulled Guanheng to the side, where they saw the city dressed in all kinds of lights and colors. The city was only this beautiful during this time of year, Lunar's New Year, where everyone took long holiday breaks.

They stood closely next to each other by the ledge and leaned on it, gazing at the world in front of them.

“I love your family, A’zeon. They’re amazing.”

“Yeah, today has been amazing, I didn’t think it would be so easy telling them, but now that they kind of know, it feels great.”

Guanheng hummed, “I feel like I belong here, I want to stay here. In Guangdong with you and your family.”

“You can if you want to, you can move here. Nothing is stopping you. I don’t know what the future holds for us, one day everything is going to change. The rest of us are going to continue with their lives, we can’t continue with Rainbow V forever. They are probably going back to their homes, but you can stay, right?" Dejun said.

"I’d really like that too.” Guanheng was careful with his words, “I sure hope so.” He didn’t say anything more.

“Kunhang, can I ask you something?” Dejun said hesitantly, Guanheng hummed yes. “I don’t know much about your family, you rarely, close to never, speak about them. Why is that?”

Guanheng took his hand, “I just never felt the need to talk about them. There is really nothing interesting.”

“Is that it?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, I believe you, I guess,” Dejun said and rest his head on Guanheng’s arm. He looked up at Guanheng, “do you miss them? Do you miss Macau?” He asked.

Guanheng sighed, “Of course I do, I miss my sisters the most, but they are all gone in different countries doing business things. So there is nothing much to go back to. It’s better here in a sense. You are here, our friends are here. I’m not lonely here, I guess. Don’t worry about it,” he said and gave him a reassuring smile.

“Okay, I’ll trust your words for now,” but after hearing him talk like that made him slightly sad, and even though Guanheng told him not to worry, he couldn’t help but feel worried. He gave him a kiss, as an attempt to comfort him, but it comforted himself more. At least he made Guanheng smile.

Guanheng opened his eyes, pierced into Dejun’s eyes. The next thing Dejun knew, was that he was standing in the middle of the roof. “Let’s dance,” Guanheng said, “Your hands and lips are cold, dancing will warm you up.”

They started dancing couple dance, with Guanheng leading. It made Dejun giggle like a little girl. Guanheng used the whole roof and threw Dejun around. He danced as if the rooftop was the only dancefloor he had known and made it his.

Dejun admired his boyfriend, he looked so graceful and beautiful, like a prince and he was his princess, seeing him like this made his heart pound. They let go of each other’s hands. Guanheng started to dance solo, and he danced crazily. He closed his eyes. Shaking his head and arms and legs in all kinds of weird ways that only Guanheng could think of doing.

If Dejun hadn’t fallen in love with him already, he sure would’ve fallen for him now, but since he was already in love, he could only fall deeper and deeper. Dejun loved this free soul, who danced everywhere he went.

Dejun stared instead of dancing, Guanheng’s plan of warming him up failed. He opened his eyes, only to stop doing what he was doing and stood there awkwardly.

“Hey, why did you stop?” He pulled Dejun back in and started another couple dance with him leading.

“Because you’re dancing, I didn’t want to dance with a weirdo like you,” he said jokingly.

“Shut up, if anything, you just fell in love with me harder.”

“Good that you’re so confident, but you’re wrong.”

“So, you’re saying that you didn’t fell harder in love with me?”

“Correct.”

“You’re such a bad liar, Siu Dakzeon,” Guanheng said. Dejun could only laugh in defeat.

“There is going to be fireworks later, at midnight. My family is going to watch from the window or watch the big ones on TV.”

“So, we’ll stay and watch from here then?” Dejun nodded.

They continued to dance. It wasn’t a structured dance where it could be called salsa or tango, it was a simple dance where they tried to keep themselves warm. It included some pirouettes and swings and other moves they felt like doing. Dejun started to hum on song for background music, and it went on for a while. Then, Guanheng understood what song it was. “Yeah I'm saying I like you,” he sang, as Dejun hummed the melody.

“It’s the song you wrote for me,” Guanheng said proudly.

Dejun’s eyes lit up and stopped dancing. “Yes, it is! I’m surprised you still know it,” and hugged him.

“What kind of boyfriend would I be if I forgot about a song written for me? A _love confession_ song. It’s carved into my brain. I will never forget it, I swear.” “Good.” Dejun said, “c’mon, the fireworks are about to launch.”

They went back to the ledge and looked down at the street. There were people setting the fireworks up.

Guanheng back hugged Dejun, “Are you still cold?”

“No, not when you’re doing this,” Dejun said.

Guanheng kissed Dejun’s ear, “Good.”

“Look, they’re lighting them up now.” They looked up at the big empty sky, the dark endless nothingness then in a second exploded in colors and lights.

After the second explosion the sparks made some words, it said, “Happy new year” and the one after made the symbol of the ox. What followed was some other blessing and symbols.

Dejun leaned on Guanheng, with his head on Guanheng’s shoulder.

“It looks like they are calling out the stars,” Guanheng said, it made Dejun let out a subtle gasp. “It really does,” he said, as he noticed that small shiny white dots were slowly appearing in the sky.

“You have an eye for beautiful things, A’hang,”

“Well, I have my eyes on you.” Dejun snorted with a growing smile in his face. He turned to Guanheng, “You’re such a sweet talker,” he said. He put his fingers below Guanheng’s chin, and pulled him gently in for a soft, slow kiss. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like it! Thank you for finishing!! I appreaciate it a lot. And please give me feedback! Even a single word is appreciated. :D :D :D :D
> 
> I promise it'll get better. Please bear with me, the angst starts soon. After the next chapter it'll only be angst.


	4. The last of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They were once again alone in the studio, doing their usual things, Guanheng was extra clingy this time and Dejun didn’t think it was something special, since he had been extra clingy the few past weeks. What he didn’t knew was this would the very last time he saw Guanheng.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this is the last fluffy chapter woooo. Be ready. :))
> 
> And,, I was wrong. This is the shortest chapter.

In the music room, Dejun sat by the table and wrote diligently in his notebook, while Guanheng played on the drums. Dejun smiled for himself, feeling proud of his own mind.

“What are you smiling for?” Guanheng asked.

Dejun looked up at him, who had stopped playing drums and gave his attention to Dejun instead. Dejun didn’t want to reveal what he had been writing, so he said, “Nothing concerning you,” and then proceeded to write.

“Really? That’s cold.” Guanheng said, but he didn’t give up. He left the drums and sat down on a chair next to Dejun, which made him turn his back with his precious book.

“Hey, you know you’re a bad liar, A’zeon,” Guanheng noted.

“Baby just deal with it,” Dejun answered arrogantly. Guanheng sighed, feeling flustered being called baby, but also frustrated for his question being rejected.

“Hey, why are you being so secretive?”

“Because you’ll find out in a few days anyway, so just…have patience,” Dejun said and back away, but now facing Guanheng. He settled down leaning on the wall with his knees up, feet on the seat and held his book up. He shot Guanheng a teasing look and smirked devilishly.

“I swear one day I’m getting that book from your face, and I’m going to read every single page there.”

“I’d like to see you try.” The conversation died out and they sat there for a few minutes in silence. Then, Guanheng grabbed Dejun’s book swiftly and threw it on the table. Dejun was taken by surprise, baffled over how fast it went and why the book was on the table and not being read by Guanheng.

“You had the chance to read it, why didn’t you?”

“Because I am being patient like you want me to,” he moved himself closer to Dejun with the chair, “And I want to talk to you.” He got up and welcomed himself on Dejun’s lap and put his chin on Dejun’s shoulder and hugged him around his shoulders.

Dejun chuckled put his arms around Guanheng’s waist. “Is there something you want to bring up, or do you just want to be social?”

“I just want to talk to you about anything. Doesn’t matter what,” Guanheng said.

“Okay. Then I have a question. Do you still remember my birthday last year? You wanted to know what I wished for and I said that you’d sooner or later find out. Did you find out?”

“I have a guess,” Guanheng said.

“What is it?”

“It’s nothing…concrete. I think you wished for everything to be fine, that nothing bad would happen to us. That we would last,” Guanheng sighed, “And that’s why you’ve been, and is, the best boyfriend. You’re always understanding, always making me smile.” Guanheng let out another sigh and hugged him tighter. “And you never really get mad at me. You always worry about me, asking if I’ve eaten or if I’ve slept enough. You sing for me whenever I want you to. You’re the best. I really wish that we will grow old together.”

Dejun felt flustered for being praised all of a sudden and naturally he smiled. He slapped Guanheng’s butt, “You’re such a baby. Why are you being so cheesy?”

“Because I know you like it.” Guanheng replied. Guanheng knew that after this day, everything would be different, everything that he had worked for and lived for, for so long, would be gone. It wasn’t just Dejun he would lose, it would be their whole world together, their friends, their studio and even his own home.

He held a little tighter before pushing away, “Sorry, am I suffocating you?”

“No, I’m alright, you don’t weigh so much,” Dejun said. Guanheng smiled, knowing that Dejun only said it to make him feel better.

“Let’s play some games,” Guanheng said.

“Okay, like what?”

“Truth or dare, maybe?”

Dejun scoffed, “How old are we?”

“Stop being so fucking judgmental, let’s do it,” Guanheng said, and he slapped Dejun on the shoulder and went back to his seat.

“Okay, do you want to start?” Dejun asked.

“Yeah, you don’t know what to say anyway. Truth or dare?” Before Dejun chose, he studied Guanheng’s face, trying to read what was on his mind. Was he going to make him do something completely bizarre? He didn’t know, but that was what he expected.

“Dare,” he said. Guanheng let on a disappointed face and looked down. “What? You want me to choose truth?”

“No, dare is fine. I dare you to read a page from that book of yours.”

Dejun rolled his eyes, “Nicely played, A’hang.” He took his book from the table and browsed to the very first page. “You didn’t say which page, let’s go with the first one,” Dejun grinned.

The book cover was in brown leather, the pages were plain and not lined, Dejun preferred it that way. He could write freely and draw things without the lines. The book was thick and had many pages either filled or empty. It was filled with Dejun ideas and thoughts, melodies and lyrics. Everything that came to Dejun’s mind could be found the book, but not only the book he was holding. He had a big collection of loose papers, notes and other books, that could tell what Dejun had been thinking. They were very private, so private that even Guanheng hadn’t read them. He bought this book because he needed a place where he could have everything together, instead of loose papers. So he had rewritten everything from the other papers, and books in this one big thick book.

“This book mirrors my soul, every thought I’ve had that matters, is here. I’ve come to realize that the things I write is not important, but writing helps me cope. This book is not important, but it holds my heart. And knows everything about me. I wonder sometimes if this book is the concrete form of my soul. Maybe I should take care of it more, then. This book is precious, I guess. And when A’hang can read this, it’ll be when we’re old and look back at the good old times, when we still could walk without pausing after few steps. Haha, maybe it’s childish to hope that we’ll last, but I sure hope we do.” Dejun stopped reading, “So? Are you satisfied?”

Guanheng clutched to Dejun’ hand without saying a word, he didn’t know what to say. He too hoped for them to last, but he knew something else, that made him doubt that they would. He would soon leave, and he that his take off would end their relationship. He felt a weird weight lay on his shoulder and his chest growing heavy.

“Mhm, you don’t have to read more.” He took a deep breath and his eyes sunk.

“What’s wrong?” he heard Dejun say. “You want to hear more?” Guanheng’s eyes started to fill with tears, he scoffed lightly at Dejun’s question. “Hey, what is it? Just tell me,“ Dejun said. Hearing those words as an attempt for comfort made Guanheng’s tears impermissibly fall down.

“Fuck,” he said. He had planned to not make anything suspicious, nothing that could hint that something bad was going to happen. And he failed miserably.

”A’hang, it’s okay, you can cry. Please, I want to help, but I can’t if you won’t tell me what’s wrong.” There was nothing Dejun could do, or Guanheng thought. He had to leave, and Dejun couldn’t do anything about it. He felt guilty, Dejun who was so private with his notes had just read a page, and Guanheng couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. Opening up right before he was going to leave, he was just sharpening the knife.

Guanheng had to lie, he couldn’t tell him the truth. “I…I don’t know. Sometimes I miss my family a lot, but then when I come to think of it, there is really nothing much to miss. My dad, he works all the time. My sisters are overseas, doing their own thing. My mom either works or is away spending time with her parents. I miss them, and I want to go back sometimes. But even if I go back, I’d come back to an empty house. Okay not an empty house, a house with a maid. I just wish…that the house I used to live in, my old home, could return to the way it was ten years ago. It’s just a gloomy house with two old old people and a dog now plus a maid. Most of the time, just a maid. It’s sad.” Guanheng lied.

It was a good lie, and he almost believed it himself. He seemed to have succeeded in making Dejun believe it. “I’m sorry, A’hang. But you can always go back and tell your sisters to do the same, right? Look, family is something that’ll stick with you forever. That’s the beautiful thing, even if you leave them for a few years, you’ll always come back to each other. The love a family has, is always there, behind you. I don’t know much about your family, but I know that no matter what, your family will always be with you and support you. They love you, right? How about this? We pay them a visit for your birthday. That’ll make them happy, right? You’ve been here for four years soon, and you’ve only gone back like, seven times. They probably miss you, and they’d be thrilled to see you. I can call your sisters and-.”

Guanheng cut him, “It’s not that. I don’t want to go back, it’d be useless. I know I sound very pessimistic, but it’s true. Believe me. My family won’t be the same as it was before.”

“It sounds like you miss the time you were young. Is that it? That you miss how you and your family were before, when you were all together like a family and not spread out in the world?”

“Yeah, I guess that’s it. But I don’t miss them when I’m with you guys, I just wish that if I would return to Macau and be with my parents, that it would be like how it was before, but it won’t and that saddens me. Going back wouldn’t make me happy, staying here does. And I wished it were differently.”

Dejun moved closer to Guanheng with his chair, he but his left arm around Guanheng, who was lying on Dejun’s right arm. Dejun sighed, he felt like he finally understood why Guanheng never spoke about his family, and it made him feel guilty too, because he had been pushing a sensitive spot. Not knowing that it hurt Guanheng to a point he would cry, he didn’t push him this time though, Guanheng talked about them before he could ask him, which he planned on doing with truth or dare.

Guanheng probably started opening up about his family because he finally read something from his notebook, he thought. “Kunhang, don’t be sad. I’m here,” Dejun said, but he wanted to do more, he started to sing for him.

“I’ll be at your side, there’s no need to worry. Together we’ll survive through the haste and hurry. I’ll be at your side. If you feel like you’re alone, and you’ve nowhere to turn. I’ll be at your side. If life’s standing still and your soul’s confused. And you cannot find what road to choose. If you make mistakes. You can’t let me down, I will still believe, I will turn around.” Despite Guanheng hiding his face in Dejun’s arm, he could still feel the tears, wetting his sleeve.

“I love you, Siu Dakzeon. I love you so much,” Guanheng said, feeling like he needed to say it while he could. He abruptly sat up, and then wiped his tears and put on a poker face. Pretending like he never cried. “What’s up, A’zeon,” he said coolly.

Dejun laughed at him, “What are you doing? You’re so stupid.”

“Who are you calling stupid?” Guanheng said and slapped Dejun’s arm, the arm with his tears. Dejun laughed even more, “Okay, not stupid, silly.”

Guanheng was annoyed by Dejun’s laugh, it made his heartbeat faster. It also made him feel sadder and made his departure even harder than it already was. He started to fight Dejun, punched him “No! Kunhang! Fuck off, you little devil.” Dejun tried to fight back, he kicked him lightly, but went back to use his arms instead. And soon enough they were wrestling.

Guanheng held Dejun’s wrist and both pushed, Dejun tried to escape form Guanheng’s grip, but he was stronger, and after a tough fight for Dejun, Guanheng pinned his hands arms on the wall, above his head. Dejun couldn’t help but feel a little aroused, though he quickly forced it away, this wasn’t the time or place for having sex.

Guanheng closed in on Dejun and let go of his arms. His hands went to Dejun’s neck and cheek and he placed his lips softly on Dejun’s. Dejun pulled him in for a fiercer kiss, and made him straddle over him, with his hands resting on his hips. Guanheng pulled away, “Tell me what you’re planning for my birthday.”

“Why do you want to know? Isn’t it better if it’s a surprise?”

“Well, I just want to know if we’re going to do something that I need to be prepared for.”

“No, it’s nothing like that, it’s just going to be a normal day. If there’s anyone needs to be prepared, it’s me?”

“Why? Did you write a song again?” His eyes lit up, the first time Dejun had written a song for him was the confession song, but it was also the only song, Guanheng was extremely happy when Dejun wrote a song for him, and he had waited for him to do it again, he was hoping he was right.

Dejun eyes on the other hand, did not lit up, they did however hit wide open, but he was disappointed that it wouldn’t a surprise anymore. He did try to save it, “No, are you crazy? I only write one song for one person, you’ve gotten yours.” Dejun said and glared at him.

Guanheng chuckled, knowing he was right. Dejun just didn’t want to admit it, “So, you’re saying that the last page of things you’ve written there,” he nodded at the notebook, “Is not lyrics of a song for me?”

“I’m not saying it, you are.” Guanheng sighed, Dejun was stubborn and he wouldn’t be able to make him admit it, so he let it go.

“Alright, let’s go home,” he said.

Dejun put his book safely on the bookshelf next to the table before leaving. He went after Guanheng who was already dressed in his shoes and outwear.

“Are you coming to my place or your parent?” Guanheng asked.

“Sweetie, it’s past 2 am. Of course I’m going to your place.” Guanheng smiled softly, “Let’s go then.” So they went back to Guanheng’s place, Dejun insisted on opening the door, using his own key.

Immediately after entering they brushed their teeth and went to bed. Both of them slept shirtless, neither of them slept comfortably with a shirt. They lied closely, facing each other, Guanheng with his arm over Dejun. They like that for a while, but after having gazing at Guanheng, he kissed his lips.

“Thank you for opening up today,” he said. And those were his last words to him, because after he fell asleep, Guanheng left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Dejun sings for him is At Your Side by the Corrs. I didn't write it lolol.
> 
> Okay! This is the last chapter for today! I hope you like it! And please leave a comment. :) Feedback is much appreciated. :D
> 
> I'm going to prolong the suffering by only updating one chapter per day now.  
> The real angst begins tomorrow. >:D


	5. Where did you go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dejun wakes up without Guanheng, and he looks for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! This is a much longer chapter compared to the ones before. I hope you like it!

Dejun woke up to his alarm, feeling that something was wrong. Besides him was no one, so he shouted out Guanheng’s name, but there was no answer. He got up from the bed and opened the bathroom door, but Guanheng wasn’t there.

Guanheng would only leave in the morning without him knowing if he went to buy breakfast or other essential things that he ran out of like toilet paper. But he could clearly see that there were two stacks of toilet paper, so he went to the kitchen to see if there were other things that he could have gone out to get. He checked the refrigerator and noticed that there was no milk. He must’ve gone out to get it for his cereals then, he thought.

He boiled some water and while he waited for it, he tried to call Guanheng, but he didn’t answer. All that could be heard in the apartment was the sound of boiling water and the beep form Dejun’s phone, in an attempt to reach Guanheng. A few minutes passed and he started to get annoyed, Guanheng would always answer instantly if he was outside work. He texted him instead, “Where the hell are you? Why aren’t you picking up your phone? Call me as soon as you can.” He drank his hot water and then went for work.

On the bus all he could think of was Guanheng, he checked his phone multiple times, it started to worry him that there was no call or text from him. A year ago they had promised to inform each other about their whereabouts so the didn't have to worry, and Guanheng failed to do so. So what could possibly had happened this time?

He asked their friends in the group chat if they knew where he was, but all of them said they didn’t know. So he urged them to call him too and look for him.

Despite starting to get worried sick, he went to the elementary school he worked at as an assistant teacher in music, and worked hard like he used to, as if it was a normal day and everything was fine. It was quite easy, because the kids he worked with were all good kids, at least on the inside. Some of the kids were naughty, but they were just playful and liked Dejun so much, and he adored them too. The kids managed to ease his mood, but Guanheng was always in the back of his head. Through the day he would lose his focus and zone out thinking about Guanheng.

At the end of the classes he would always play the guitar and sing with them, but today, he couldn’t. The kids sang along to his guitar, but his voice couldn’t make any sound.

“What are you thinking about? Is there something wrong?” One of the kids asked him. “Nothing,” he had answered, of course he lied. He just didn’t want his kids to worry. The lead teacher also looked at him worriedly, but he left without saying a word. And he was lucky, this day he ended work early, as he only had two lessons on the morning. So he left and began to search for Guanheng.

He started to get anxious, Guanheng had never taken so long to call him back, and certainly not texting. He called him again, but still no answer.

He decided to go to Guanheng’s work, maybe they took his phone, he thought. His anxiety building up inside him. He hoped that he was there, or else he would go crazy. The restaurant Guanheng worked at was pretty close to the studio and Guanheng’s place, but since it was located a little more central, he had to take another bus.

He waited at the bus station, but he wasn’t quite sure when it was going to arrive. He looked at the timetable that was taped on the glass wall, which said that the bus should’ve arrived seven minutes ago. He got frustrated. It only got worse when it started to rain, and the rainfall only got heavier and heavier. Another seven minutes went by and he decided to walk all the way to the restaurant.

He put on his hood and walked out of the little station that had protected him from the pouring water, and let his clothes wash in the rain. The walk from his work to Guanheng’s was approximately twenty minutes, it wasn’t that bad he thought. So he walked, because he didn’t have any patience left. Depending on communal transports would always lead to disappointment so he traveled on foot instead.

The restaurant was inside a mall, and he almost didn’t make it inside because the guards didn’t want a human drenched in water to dirty the floors, “You can’t go in. Not when you’re wet like a dog,” one of them said. He got angry, and was up to fighting, but if he caused trouble, they wouldn’t let him in. He looked around himself, and saw that most people had umbrellas, if not then they came from their cars.

He got annoyed but obeyed them and waited outside where it luckily had a roof over. He waited a few minutes until his clothes stopped dripping, and they finally let him in. With quick steps he walked through the mall and searched for the restaurant. He had only been there once and it was a long time ago, so he wasn’t sure where it was. As he walked, he got weird looks from people, probably because of his drenched clothes. He ignored the looks and went to the third floor, where he found what he was looking for, feeling a little hopeful about finding Guanheng.

He approached the restaurant with firm steps. By the first look you could tell that it was a fancy restaurant, it had golden lights and decorations, marble floor and imposing pillars. But this wasn’t the time to admire room design and furnishing.

He spotted a waitress he could ask, she seemed to be in a rush but Dejun decided to ask her anyways. She approached the door to the kitchen, where Dejun stood and waited.

“Hey, excuse me,” he said, “is Guanheng here?” She looked at him, her eyes went down then up again, then shook her head and disappeared into the kitchen.

Dejun felt offended, he didn’t travel all the way from his work to Guanheng’s in the rain just to be passed over in silence. The girls attitude pissed him off, and he ran out of patience. He pushed the door open and found himself in a relatively empty kitchen.

“Hey, who the hell are you? Get out!” A man in his fifties came at him and shouted. It seemed to be the chef, or the manager, whatever he was, he had authority and was Guanheng’s senior colleague.

“I’m looking for Huang Guanheng,” Dejun said.

The man scoffed, “You’re looking for him? Well, when you’ve found him, tell him that he’s fired!” He spat out, “Now leave!” He tried to go back to his work, but Dejun stopped him with another question.

“What do you mean? He didn’t come to work?” Dejun asked, the worry he felt starting to grow heavy in his chest. He took a few steps closer to the chef, pushing him to answer.

“No! He did not come to work today. He and two others did not come today, none of them called in sick so their shift is not covered. Those damn idiots. Should never have trusted young people,” he cursed and threw a towel at the counter.

Dejun stood there for a while, feeling helpless. Guanheng wasn’t picking up his call, didn’t text him back and didn’t how up at work. Something must’ve happened to him.

“Did you say he was fired?” 

“Yes, they all are! What do you think?” He replied furiously.

“But what if something happened to them? My boyf-,” he stopped himself. “My friend Guanheng isn't answering my calls, I think something bad happened to him, can you reconsider firing him?” Dejun couldn’t find Guanheng, but he could at least help him keep his work. The man being angry was understandable, and he tried to keep his temper down, even though it grew the longer he stayed there.

The man looked at him, “Why should I?”

“Guanheng is a good person, didn’t you raise his salary because of something? Like killing mosquitoes! Yes! And has he ever missed work? Ever? No. This is the first time. Are you not overreacting? You shouldn’t fire him because you don’t know what happened to him. He could be in trouble.”

The chef stopped with what he was doing and looked at Dejun, studied him. Probably to see if he could take Dejun seriously or not. He had a resting bitch face, his glasses rested on the tip of his nose, and his right arm rested on his hip and the other on the counter. If it weren’t for the circumstances, the appearance of this chef would’ve made Dejun laugh, but he couldn’t now.

“Let’s take this somewhere else,” the chef said and gestured Dejun to follow him. They went through another door from where he came from and came to the dressing room. It was a small room which had lockers covering almost all of the walls and then two other doors, one for a toilet and one for the office. They stood in the middle of the room, where there was no light except the light that escaped from the kitchen and lit up a small part of the dressing room.

The chef had his arms crossed and didn’t smile, and Dejun had to admit that he now looked intimidating, because he was intimidated. “So, you want to save your friends job?” He said.

“Yes, he doesn’t deserve to get fired.”

“Why should I not fire him? Do you think I should also let the two others keep their job?”

“No, I just want Guanheng to still have his job,” Dejun explained.

“Alright, but why would I let him just because you said so?”

“Because he doesn’t deserve loosing his job just because he missed one shift, and I think something bad has happened to him, as I said before.” The chef was silent for a while, thinking of how to deal with the situation. “On top of that, I think you want to fire all three of them because they didn’t show up, but in reality, you don’t want to fire Guanheng. Because he’s one of the best.”

The chef sighed,“Look, I know Guanheng is a good kid, he’s one of my favorite employees and I need to admit that. But three of them not showing up is too much. If I let Guanheng keep his work, even though he’s not here, isn’t that unfair to my two other workers? I got four others here doing their work, as good employees should, but they are also doing the work of the three absent workers. See why I’m so angry? And why my employees are so stressed?” Dejun now understood why the waitress he had asked Guanheng about was so cold towards him.

The chef was about to leave, but then Dejun got an idea on how to save Guanheng’s job. “What if I work in Guanheng’s place?” He uttered.

The chef turned his head by the door, “Can you wash the dishes?”

“Yes,” Dejun said.

“Good, then change your clothes, you can use your friend Guanheng’s and put on a hat. That wet hair is not acceptable in here.” With that he left and continued with his work. Dejun went to the lockers and looked for Guanheng’s, which wasn’t hard. He opened it and revealed an apron hanging, and a cap on the shelf. There was also a pair of shoes lying on the bottom of it, but nothing else.

Dejun smiled, his boyfriend kept it simple and clean, there was nothing necessary to have here. He took of his damp jacket and hung it inside, then put on the apron, on it was a nametag that said “Guanheng”. He was subtly enjoying it, wearing his boyfriend’s working clothes was kind of sexy he thought.

He went back to the kitchen. “Do you know how to use that machine?” Dejun shook his head. The chef told the girl he had asked about Guanheng, to teach him.

“Alright, come here,” she said. “You need to throw the food away first before you put them in the machine.” Dejun saw the trash bin, it was filled with leftovers from the guests that never finished their meal, “Okay,” he said.

“Then you just put them in here, when it’s full, click on this button.” She pointed at a red button on the side, “It’s going to go inside the machine, and it’s going to do all the work for you. When it’s done, just take them out, dry them and then put them on this empty carriage. Understood?” Dejun nodded, “Yes, ma’am.” With that she left hurriedly to continue with what she was doing before.

Dejun began with what he had to do, and he knew that he couldn’t complain, because this was his idea. He sighed and grabbed a dirty plate that still had some food on it, he gagged a little. This was far from what he wanted to do, but if it meant saving Guanheng’s job, he wouldn’t have chosen to do it any other way. One thing he couldn’t understand though, was Guanheng’s choice of work, why did stay here, working in a kitchen? Cleaning up after people is not a pleasant work.

He shook his head, thinking that Guanheng could do so much better, he could be a model he thought. Nonetheless, he did what he signed up for and cleaned the plates, glasses and cutlery. The dishes kept coming and he tried to do it as fast as possible, and it wasn’t that hard since the work was quite repetitive and easy. It was soon 2 pm and the restaurant was going to close soon, then reopen for dinner time. And he knew that Guanheng’s shift ended then.

Feeling relieved, he went back to the dressing room and jerked the apron off, then the chef came out from the bathroom. “Hey, before I leave can you do me a favor?”

“Before you leave? What, you think you’re free because it’s 2 o’clock now? No you’re not going anywhere. You’ve only been here for three hours. Guanheng’s shift is six hours. Stay and clean up.” Dejun was perplexed.

“But-,” he tried.

“No buts,” the chef said, “I want you to help clean up the kitchen, make it look nice and clean, and I clean the canteen.” He was dead serious and Dejun didn’t say a word. “Do you want to save your friends job or not?” Dejun obeyed, “Yes,” he said and put the apron on again.

He helped cleaning up the kitchen, took out the trash, clean the counters, putting thins back to their original place, putting food back in the fridge, or the cooling boxes. Then he went to the outside, wiped the tables, put new napkin and cutlery on the table and arranged the salt and pepper. The others helped him and taught him how to do things, it was quite fun he thought. It was a new experience and he learned that working in a restaurant requires teamwork and steady hands. It was tough, but he learned a lot. He was there for another two hours, and he was getting sick of it though.

“Hey, can I leave now? There is nothing else to do, and I really need to find him.” The chef was kind enough to let him go, but before he left, he asked him about the two others that didn’t show up. “Maybe they know where he is,” Dejun implied.

The chef brought him to the office and grabbed a folder from his desk, he started to flip the pages really quick, Dejun couldn’t see what it what. “Their names are Zhong Chenle and Huang Renjun, this is their phone numbers,” the chef explained. Dejun took a photo of it, thanked him and was out of there.

He was tired, and he realized that he hadn’t eaten lunch yet, but he ignored it, thinking that he could eat with Guanheng once he found him. He stood outside the mall when he called them. He called Chenle first, but he didn’t pick up. He tried calling the other boy, Renjun. To his surprise, it did go through, but all he heard was laughter and loud music.

“Hello!?” He screamed. The other side of the line was clearly not up for a conversation. “He shouted again. “Excuse me! Huang Renjun!” The music on the other side stopped. He heard a slight “Who the fuck,” and then some noise.

“Hello? Who is disturbing my peace?” Dejun could hear from the voice that this Renjun was high.

“I’m sorry, but do you know where Huang Guanheng is?” Dejun asked.

“Guanheng? Well, what if I do know?” Dejun’s heart started to jump, his hopes getting high, “So you do know where he is?”

“Calm down. Look, I’ll tell you where he is, but what will I gain from it?”

“Listen carefully you shit; I went to your work and you weren’t there. So, I had to do all your work! Because of you, Guanheng was almost fired.” The phone went silent. He heard another boy there, he mumbled something but couldn’t hear what.

“I don’t know who you are man, you’re just a vibe killer, bye!” And Renjun hung up. Dejun was puzzled, the boy on the phone sounded young, at least younger than him. The boy seemed to have an interesting character as well, but probably because of the weed. He shook his head.

Renjun seemed to know where Guanheng was, so he needed to find him first. He looked at the picture he had taken in the office, where it had the phone numbers of the boys. It also had their addresses, so he checked Renjun’s, and he couldn’t be happier. The address was relatively far away, but he knew exactly where it was. So he started to go there.

On the way, he texted the others, to see if they had found anything, but none of them had. All he could do now was looking up this boy Renjun.

The rain had stopped, luckily, and the bus arrived on time. The day was slightly getting better, and hopefully he would find Guanheng with Renjun getting high. That would explain everything, even though he didn’t want him to take drugs. But finding him sooner would make him less worried.

When he arrived at the door of Renjun’s apartment he could hear people laughing and loud music. Gosh, he thought. If Guanheng was in there he would kill him.

He knocked as hard as he could and then waited for a few seconds, but no one came to open it. He knocked again, harder this time, it was more like banging on the door. ”It’s the cops! Open up!” He shouted, shifting his voice in a lower octave. He heard the music stop, “Did they say it was the police?” It made him laugh, he turned around in case the door would open, because he didn’t want them to see him smile. But it took a while for the door to open.

When it did, he saw a boy a little shorter than him, with weird looking eyes. His face was confused, he squinted at Dejun to see if he it was someone he knew. “You’re not the cops,” he said and scoffed. He was about to close the door on him, but Dejun put his foot by the door.

“Are you Renjun?” The boy furrowed his eyebrows and tried to look intimidating, “Yeah, I am. Do you know me? I don’t know you. Guess I must be pretty famous huh?” Dejun sniggered. “I’m the one who called a while ago, less than an hour.”

“Oh, so you’re looking for Guanheng?” He exhaled heavily, then looked back inside his apartment, he let out a chuckle. Dejun sighed, he was running out of patience, “Is he here? If not then do you know where he is?”

“Relax, just-.”

Dejun grabbed his collar, “Listen little guy, I walked in the rain from my work to yours, just to work for five hours because you didn’t show up. And now I’m here, and I didn’t come here just to find out nothing.”

Renjun laughed, “Okay, calm down. You look like you need a drink.” Dejun loosened his grip. “And for the record, you’re not that much bigger than me, you can’t call me little guy.”

“I’ll call you whatever I want,” Dejun said. He let him go and then walked inside, taking Renjun’s comment about needing a drink as an invitation.

Inside was unexpectedly clean, but as he walked further in, to the living room, he noticed that the floor and the table was filled with chips and other snacks. When the people inside saw Dejun coming in, they quickly grabbed some stuff and hid it behind themselves or under a pillow.

“Who are you guys?” Dejun asked.

“Chenle,” a boy on the couch said and raised his hand. So that was Zhong Chenle, the other guy who was supposed to work with Guanheng today, he thought. Maybe Guanheng really was here but was too ashamed to show himself.

“And who are you?” Dejun asked angrily.

”Jisung,” another boy, who lied on the floor, said and laughed. ”Hey why do you sound so mad? Smile man, it’ll look good on you.”

Dejun rolled his eyes, “Just shut up and tell me if you know where Guanheng is.”

“Why should we? You can’t just invite yourself in, you have no right to demand answers from us,” Renjun said. Dejun turned around, “Look, if you tell me then I’ll be gone in a second. It’ll be like I was never here.”

“You’re right, but there’s three of us and one of you. We could just push you out, without answering your question,” he scoffed, followed by some laughter.

Damn, Dejun though, despite being high this guy could still think logically, but not too clearly. “If you do, then I’ll just call the cops, I’ll just tell them about your illegal grass you’re hiding,” he threatened.

Renjun laughed, “You’re the one who’s in our apartment illegally! You’re breaking into my home!”

“And you’re wasting my time! Yours too, you little fucker!”

Jisung, the guy on the floor, quickly stood up. He was out of balance and couldn’t stand properly, he swung up to Dejun, “You can’t say- I’m a baby.” He was nervous.

Chenle, who seemed to be the most sober of them all said, “He’s saying that you can’t say fucker.”

Dejun looked at him with judging eyes, “You can’t say fucker but you can smoke pot? What the fuck is wrong with you people?”

Chenle laughed, “Hey, you know you have no right to just barge in here and judge us, get out!” he said.

Dejun knew they were right, but he had no other choice. How else would he find Guanheng? “Fine. You’re right, I’m sorry. I’ll go then, I don’t think you know where Guanheng is.”

He walked past Renjun by the door, “Hey,” Dejun stopped and looked at him. Renjun stared at him for a while, then said “I’m sorry. We really don’t know where he is. What’s your name? If he shows up at work, I’ll tell him you’re looking for him.”

“Uh, about that…you’re fired. Both of you. Thanks anyways.”

“What!? You’re kidding, right?” Dejun shook his head. “God dammit, my mom is going to be pissed!” With that he slammed the door, and Dejun left. Those young people would end up bad, he thought, but they seemed to be very interesting as well.

There was nothing else Dejun could do now, his leads went up to smoke. All he could do now was to just call him. He tried again, but to no surprise he didn’t answer. He called the others, asking if they had any clues of where he was, but they all answered the same thing: No.

He went back to the studio, to see if Guanheng was there. He found Xuxi and Kun sitting on the floor, the moment he came in, they turned their heads. “Hey, what are you doing?”

”Nothing, we were just discussing about Guanheng,” Kun said.

“Yeah, any news about him?” Dejun asked.

“No, nothing, I waited here all day in case he would come,” Xuxi said.

“What? You just waited here? You didn’t go out and look for him?”

“Well, I didn’t know where to start. I tried calling him but he never picked up and he never texted back.”

Dejun shook his head, “I went to his work, but he never came, I had to work in his place to save his job. He would get fired otherwise. There were two others who didn’t show up at work, it made the chef angry which led him to fire all three of them. Except Guanheng’s because I came. After that, I went to the two other guys place, which was just a waste of time. They didn’t know where Guanheng was, they were busy smoking pot,” he told them. Then threw himself on the couch. “I’m exhausted.”

Xuxi and Kun went up to him, “He’s alright. He’ll probably be back soon.” Xuxi said to comfort him.

“I hope you’re right. But I got a bad feeling, when I woke up, I felt really empty. Like…I was alone. Maybe because I slept alone? I wonder when he left. He must’ve done it in the middle of the night now that I think of it. Something is wrong, I can just feel it.” He turned his head too look at them, both of them seemed worried.

“Dejun, don’t be so pessimistic. He could be preparing something, maybe. Like a surprise for us,” Kun said.

“But it’s his birthday tomorrow, _his_. What would he prepare for us? It’s us that should prepare something for him, and we have. What about tomorrow? Are we still going to throw the party? He’s the one we’re throwing it for! Where the fuck is he, and why the fuck did he leave?”

“Calm down, Azeon. It hasn’t been a day yet. He’ll probably be back tomorrow.”

“You already said that,” Dejun pointed out.

“Yes, I’m just saying it again so you don’t have to worry.”

Dejun sighed, “I hope you’re right.”

Dejun was back in Guanheng’s place, the place he had come to call home. It was the first time walking through the door without Guanheng, or at least without Guanheng being inside or on his way there. He sat himself on the couch. He didn’t put on the TV, there was nothing interesting, no, more like he wasn’t interested in anything.

He sat there and stared into the nothingness, just thinking about the possibilities of where Guanheng could have gone to, but as much as he thought, he couldn’t think of a place where he could have gone to. He knew Guanheng was happy with where he was. He was happy with everything and didn’t want anything else.

Yesterday he mentioned his family, but he had said that he didn’t want to go back. So going back to Macau was impossible, and his clothes were still here, even his phone charger. He couldn’t have left without all his stuff. So where could he have gone to?

He was getting a headache, he sighed, decided he did in fact need a drink. He also remembered that he hadn’t eaten all day except for breakfast. He cooked some instant noodles and slurped it down within minutes. He was still hungry, so he made another bowl of instant noodles and finished that as well. Getting tired, he decided to go to sleep, brushed his teeth and changed into pajamas. When he was about to lie down, he noticed something white on the bedside table, a note.

He picked it up and read what it said, I’ll be back.

He gasped out of happiness, surprised that he didn’t notice it when he woke up. His happiness soon turned to confusion. He quickly grabbed his phone and called him.

“Ahang, please pick up the phone,” he mumbled for himself, but there was no answer. He left a message on the voicemail, “Ahang, where are you? I just saw the note you left me. You’ll be back right? When will you be back? Are you okay? I’ve been worried all day. Tell me you’ll be back soon, I miss you. You can’t believe what I did today. I was looking for you so I went to your work. Your chef is really…intimidating. He’s tough. He was about to fire you for not coming to work, but I saved it. I said I could work in your place. So I washed the dishes and cleaned up everything. I even wore your apron and hat. I walked in the pouring rain from my work to yours, your boss didn’t like my wet hair. And Chenle and Renjun? Those are some interesting fellows. They didn’t come to work either, so both of them are fired. I went to their place and I found them high, like really high. I asked them about you, but they didn’t know shit. So I left. It has been a really special day, but I just wished you were here. Come back soon, alright? If you’re not here when I wake up tomorrow, I think I’ll have to report you as a missing person. And I don’t want that. By the way, I ate two of your instant noodles, I hope you don’t mind. Alright, I’m going to sleep now. I love you.”

He had a hard time falling asleep, he kept thinking about whether Guanheng would come back or not, he kept waiting for him to come through the door. He never did. Eventually he fell asleep, and when he woke up, he still woke up alone. In the morning, he called the police and reported him as a missing person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you for reading! Please please please leave kudos!! It'll be much appreciated!! And if you have any comments or feedback please comment!! 
> 
> This chapter was writtena looong time ago and I hope you like Renjun, Chenle and Jisung!! It was really fun writing about them but I think it's a little inaccurate because I didn't know what it was like to be high at that time...I still hope you had fun reading! Even if it is angst. :D


	6. Without you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A helpless Dejun slowly falls into depression and becomes an addict. There’s nothing his friends and family can do as he starts to act irrationally and uncontrollably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! I'm sorry for slow update. I'll try to keep up and update one chapter everyday. 
> 
> This is heavy heavy heavy angst. I have had people around me that have been depressed, and although I've been sad and gone through some hard times before for a pretty long time, I was never diagnosed with depression. So if I've written some inaccurate or insensitive things, please call me out. I don't want to offend people who hae actually been depressed. And I've no clue about how it is about being an addict, all information I have is from google. So, again, please tell me if I've written anything offensive or inaccurate.
> 
> So with that being said, have fun with angst!! >:D :)

Days went by but there was still no sign of Guanheng coming back. Dejun waited, all he did was wait. After a few weeks or so, he realized that Guanheng never was coming back, that he was really gone. His happiness had slowly faded away. The warmth from Guanheng he was wrapped around with once was now fading away with time, and he felt powerless.

Not knowing where he was or when he was coming back was draining his energy. Going back to his parents in Dongguan had become less frequent and would only do it when his parents asked for him to. He began to avoid his family and he had yet to tell them about Guanheng’s disappearance. Whenever they asked about Guanheng he would say something along with “he’s busy,” or “he’s hanging out with other people,” he would tell lies, sometimes that Guanheng wasn’t feeling well, or that he was spending time with his family.

But he never considered telling them the truth, because it would make it feel real, which he didn’t want. Lying was easier, lying that Guanheng was still with him was easier. It was a coping mechanism, it was a sense of comfort to pretend that Guanheng was still there, that he never left him. That way he didn’t have to worry as much and he would feel better.

One month without Guanheng passed and it started to get worse, all he did was spending time in Guanheng’s home. In a way it had become his first, and his own home. He would sit on the couch and wait for him. He wasn’t so desperate to the point where he would stare at the door and wait for it to open, but troubles sleeping started to occur. He would stay awake and try to call him.

After many unanswered calls he would text him. ‘Where are you? When are you coming back? Are you really coming back? I hope so.’ He sent those kinds of messages during the middle of the night. But he would also send texts like ‘I hope you’re dead, that means you’re not ignoring me. If you’re dead, then it means you didn’t leave me. Just come back so I can give you a funeral and a proper farewell.’ Then the next day he would regret writing that and say ‘I’m sorry. How could I say I wish you were dead. That’s crazy. I don’t want you to be dead. How would I ever see you again? To kiss you, and touch you? Please, just comeback.’

Dejun never knew if Guanheng read his messages or not. He cursed at the app he used, WeChat, because it didn’t the function where it shows if the messages had been seen or not. It made his habit of checking his phone once every minute pointless.

The absence of Guanheng in the studio, however, didn’t mean the absence of Dejun. It was the opposite. He would go back to the studio every day, do what he wanted over there, then go back and sleep. Kun, Sicheng, Yangyang, Yongqin and Xuxi would most of the time be there, but he didn’t care much. He said hi and vanished to the music room, where he would sit and play the piano or guitar for a few hours and sing, sometimes he would sit and write in his notebook. It became his daily routine, to wake up, go to the studio, go back to Guanheng’s place, sleep, and repeat. Other than that, there was nothing else he did.

He had stopped moving, he had stopped going to work. After a full week of not showing up, he got fired. He knew he would get fired as he made it inevitable, but he couldn’t care less.

One day, when he sat idly in on the couch, he found a bottle of alcohol that Guanheng had kept hidden for special occasions. He tasted it and got infatuated with it. He started to drink more, it started with finishing everything he could find in his and Guanheng’s home, then he started to buy more. From that point, his life only went downhill. Drinking alcohol had become a daily activity for Dejun, he would take a few sips and after an hour take some few sips more. He didn’t drink excessively much at once, but through the day he would have drunken two bottles.

Kun repeatedly told him to stop, that he was becoming an alcoholic, but he didn’t listen. He ignored his words and drank more in front of him to just to provoke him. “Why do you care so much about me anyways? It’s Guanheng you should be worried about. He’s fucking gone, he could be kidnapped or maybe even dead. It’s like all of you have forgotten he ever existed,” Dejun had said.

Kun tried to reason with him, “It’s not that we don’t care about him. It’s just that he’s gone and there is nothing we can do except wait till he comes back. All we can do now is take care of the mess he left us with. You. He wouldn’t want you to be like this. Think about all the consequences, you could die.”

Dejun didn’t listen, all he did was roll his eyes, “I’m perfectly fine,” he said and left.

As time went by, the messages and calls from his family became more frequent, especially from his mom. When she called him and he answered she would say things like “Azeon, where are you? When are you coming home? I miss you. Have you eaten?”

Dejun would answer her ungenerous with words, “I’m fine,” was all he said. Both lines stayed quiet, he hoped his mother would hang up but knew his mother was waiting for him to say something more, so he said “I won’t be coming home anytime soon, mom. Don’t wait for me. I’ll tell you when I do. Really, you don’t have to worry.” His mother would whine but eventually hang up.

When he wouldn’t answer her calls she would send messages like "I made your favorite dish, if you don’t come home I won’t save any for you,” and “Both your father and brother is out and I need help in the house, can you come home?’ Dejun would just ignore them. His father would also text him, but they were mostly about his mother, "can you come home soon? Your mother is going crazy, she’s worried sick about you."

Dejun felt a little guilty for making his mom worry so much, but he couldn’t come home drunk, which most of the time he was. He couldn’t go home with a hangover either, so going home was no option. If they found out he was becoming an addict they would kill him.

His brother was angry at him and he didn’t blame him for being so. His brother had texted him that his wife was about to give birth, but Dejun didn’t come. Going to the hospital smelling like alcohol would be embarrassing, and he didn’t want to make a scene. He didn’t want to socialize with other people either, he didn’t want to see them.

His brother left him a voice message, “Your sister in law is about to give birth, where are you? Come to the hospital now.’ Dejun scoffed and ignored it, then his brother sent another message, ‘If you don’t come here now, don’t bother ever coming back.’ Dejun laughed, he found it funny but didn’t know why. Maybe it was because his brother was so oblivious, but that was only because he never told him anything more. Dejun knew he was being a dick, he didn’t care about anything anymore, not even the birth of his niece.

His nonattendance at the hospital angered both his parents too, his mother stopped being gentle and she stopped calling him. Occasionally, she would send texts like ‘I don’t know what you’re up to. Don’t you ever come home if you’re doing drugs. Are you with Guanheng? I thought he was a good kid, but clearly, he has twisted your life.

His father was furious with him, ‘you’re not welcome home anymore, since you don’t want anything to do with us. Don’t consider yourself being a Xiao anymore. Start calling yourself an orphan.’ Dejun didn’t expect them to be so harsh, they had never in his life been so mad, they were always gentle with him. Dejun figured that they didn’t want him anymore now that they have a grandchild.

He accepted the fact that he could never go home, it didn’t bother him anyways. Guanheng’s home was now his only home. The studio was his playroom, he went back there every day to think about the times Guanheng was with him. He would comfort himself by singing every sad song he knew, though most of the time he would spend the hours playing instruments in minor. Play tragic melodies representing his soul.

Opening his mouth was either for when he chugged some alcohol in it, or singing, which was for when he felt a little excited, excited about the amount of emotions he was feeling. “Wow, I’m so sad!” He shouted and then proceeded to sing something sorrowful. Whenever he sang songs in major, he would pretend that Guanheng was right beside him, in his head he had painted the ghost of Guanheng by his side, and the ghost never left. Not like the real Guanheng.

He talked to his illusion of Guanheng sometimes, “Have I improved in singing? Or does it sound worse?” He would stare into the emptiness next to him, then say “Right, you’re not real.” He wanted to laugh, but he couldn’t do it naturally so he did it forcefully. He squeezed his voice and compelled a sound, ‘Come one, Dejun, show Guanheng that you can laugh, that you’re not sad,’ he thought. He ended up laughing at his misery instead.

The others would sometimes accompany him in the music room, and they ended up scolding him. They would often encourage him to contact his family, but he would ignore it. The last time they mentioned his family was when Xuxi asked if he had contacted them. Dejun got furious, “I don’t have a family anymore. Fuck them, they don’t want me.” Xuxi was perplexed at those words and could only watch Dejun leave the room.

Dejun did indeed turn into an addict, but becoming an addict wasn’t Dejun’s choice, it’s never someone’s choice. It just happened because of some unfortunate occurrence in people’s lives, Guanheng’s disappearance was Dejun’s and it made him drink. He had become so use to it that he didn’t feel influenced by it anymore, or so he thought.

Whenever he slept was because he passed out, he would wake up with gaps in his memory, and sometimes he wouldn’t even remember why he woke up in Guanheng’s place all alone. Then he would remember again, that Guanheng was gone. In a way, he tortured himself by reliving that same scene in his life that hurt him so much, but he had grown so used to.

That made his life miserable. And he hated everything about it with every inch of his being, but it kept happening because he was not motivated to make it stop. Hearing his friends tell him to brush his teeth, to take a shower, to eat with them, hang out with them didn’t help. It all felt like Dejun was betraying Guanheng. He felt bad for living without Guanheng.

He did feel bad about not participating in Rainbow V anymore, he stopped moving, so he stopped dancing. Dancing was a big part of his life, that was now gone as well, and it only made his depression worse. His health deteriorated both physically and mentally.

“Don’t you want to dance?” Sicheng had asked him, but he just shook his head and sat on the side, watching his friends do it instead. They danced happily and jerked around liked they always did, but Dejun never joined them anymore. There was one day when he was done with their shit.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He said loudly. His friends turned their attention from the mirror and each other to Dejun now, who was standing by the couch. “I don’t understand how you can be so happy. How can you continue like this? Pretending that he’s not gone. Pretending that everything is fine?” His friends frowned at him.

“Oh you’re the one to talk. We’re not drinking beer everyday and crying, then proceed to pretend we’re fine,” Sicheng said, “Just take a look at yourself.” Hearing those words come out from Sicheng, who was always so softhearted, really got to him. But Dejun shook his head and rolled his eyes, it happened a lot of times whenever he spoke to them.

He thought everything was wrong. “Guanheng could be dead, for all we know, and no one is doing anything to find him. Not even the cops.”

Xuxi bit his lip, “Listen, Kunhang is fine. Don’t worry, he’ll probably be back soon and explain everything.”

Dejun raised his eyebrows, “How can you be so sure? Is there something you know that I don’t?” Xuxi silenced, Dejun’s accusation caught him off guard. He looked at the other’s they were watching him too, waiting for his answer. “Look, I don’t know where he is. All I’m doing, is just hoping for the best. Something you should do too,” he said, directing it towards Dejun.

He once again shook his head, rolled his eyes, and left the room.

One day in late November, when Dejun was feeling extra bored, he remembered Renjun, Chenle and Jisung. He thought about that day when he went everywhere to look for Guanheng, and ended up in his coworkers home, they were smoking weed, and they were high. He wondered what it felt like, so he found himself on the way to their place, he didn’t bother calling them. He just walked to their place, hoping that they were getting high, and willing to let Dejun try for free.

That day, Dejun had only been sitting in the studio as usual. He left from there a little bit early than usual though, Chittaphon asked where he was going.

“None of your business,” Dejun answered coldly. “Can I come with you?” Chittaphon pushed, which made Dejun angry of course. “No,” Dejun replied angrily as he put on his shoes. Chittaphon stood and watched with Sicheng and Xuxi looking from behind him.

“Stop looking at me as if there’s something wrong with me,” he ordered them.

But they all stood still and quietly, until Sicheng said, “We aren’t looking at you as if there is something wrong with you. You’re just interpreting it wrong.”

“Whatever,” Dejun said and proceeded to leave.

Dejun felt his friends getting on his nerves, which they did all of the time since they stopped looking for Guanheng. He couldn’t understand them anymore. He felt this great distance between him and them, so he decided to meet up with people that might understand him. Renjun, Chenle and Jisung. They had something Dejun wanted. On the way there, he struggled to remember where they lived, he walked around in the cold, the unusual cold that was new to the south. He wished he had taken another warmer jacket and a hat, which he then realized he didn’t have. The jacket he was wearing was his warmest, and all he could do was just live with and deal with it.

Not wearing any gloves, he held his phone that guided him to the place he wanted to, hands freezing. He hurried his pace to the destination and soon enough he was back in the warmth of a building.

He exhaled and for the first time since Guanheng’s disappearance, he felt kind of excited. He rubbed his hands against each other and breathed on them as he walked up the stairs. He remembered which floor and door now, so he went up confidently, and reached the door on the end of the hall on the fourth floor. He heard the music playing, which was a good sign, considering that the previous time he was there they had been listening to music and smoking, so he knocked on the door and waited for it to open.

He heard some footsteps approaching and getting louder, then it stopped. The person probably looked through the peek hole to see who it was first, and then the door opened. In front of him was the same boy that had opened the last time, Renjun.

“Hi,” Dejun said.

Renjun observed him with squinted eyes, “Why do I recognize you? This feels like déjà vu.”

Dejun was a little disappointed for not being remembered, his excitement went away with his hopes. “Are you the dude who looked for Guanheng?” So he did remember.

Dejun nodded, “Yes, and I haven’t found him yet,” Dejun said.

“Well, I’m sorry, but he isn’t here.”

“I know that, I’m not here for him.”

Renjun looked at him bluntly, “So why are you then?”

Dejun responded quickly, “I want weed. I want to get high and forget about him.”

Renjun kept quiet.

"Please, I'm completely sober right now. Just this one time. I wanna know how it feels...to just forget. And be happy."

Renjun stared at him for a while, then said, “Fine, but I need to have a talk with the guys first.” He closed the door, and after ten minutes or so he came back. “Okay, you’re welcome to join us. But we have some rules. If you don’t follow them, you’re out,” he said with nothing but seriousness in his eyes as he spoke.

Dejun followed Renjun inside to the apartment, everything was as he remembered. It was a nice place and there were candles lit all around the living room, as he walked further in, he expected some kind of smell, but there was nothing which made him wonder how. Pushing the thought aside, he put on his social self that he hadn’t used in a long time.

The same guys as last time was there, Chenle and Jisung. This time though, Jisung wasn’t on the floor, he sat with Chenle on the couch and they were watching TV. They looked up to the new guy, Dejun.

“Hi,” they said smiling.

“Are you here because of weed?” Jisung threw out.

It made Dejun chuckle, “Yes.”

“You’ll have to wait, we haven’t started yet,” Chenle grinned, “But please, sit down.”

Dejun seated himself on the couch, it was comfortable, despite them being so weird. They were welcoming and accepting, and most of all, they didn’t judge him. That was the feeling he got from them, and maybe it was because themselves had their own things to be ashamed of, that made them smoke weed, the three of them had their reasons to hide themselves and do all kinds of questionable things.

Maybe, Dejun had found his people. “How old are you guys?” Dejun asked, initiating a conversation.

“I’m 21,” Renjun said, who sat on the armchair beside them.

“I’m 20 and he’s 19,” Chenle said and put his arm on Jisung’s arm, who smiled and nodded. Dejun was the oldest amongst them then, which wasn’t a surprise.

“So,” Chenle goes, “You looked for Guanheng, right? The last time you were here, you weren’t exactly the nicest. Did you find him?” Dejun looked at Renjun, apparently, he hadn’t told his friends that he didn’t, or maybe he did and Chenle just wanted to talk to him about it.

But it didn’t matter anyways. “No, that idiot is completely gone,” Dejun answered.

“Why do you want to find him anyways?”

Dejun thought for a moment before he spoke, did he really want to tell strangers about his intimate relationship with Guanheng? Share his deepest thoughts and feelings? To let them know about his worries. Normally, he wouldn’t, but then he realized that it didn't even matter, everyone feels some sort of feelings all the time, his were just very dark.

“He’s my friend, a really special friend. Of course I want to find him. I worry, but it was more than two months ago, and I don’t think he’s returning.”

“Wow, all boys really are the same,” Renjun blurted out. His words woke Dejun’s curiosity, that sounded like something a girl would say.

“What do you mean? We are boys, are we the same?” Dejun asked.

“No, I’m talking about…some other dudes I used to know. Tell us about your relationship with Guanheng, how was it ‘special’?” Renjun said with a grin, shifting the topic back to Dejun, who slowly understood what everything was about.

He decided to tell them, but to do it indirectly. “He was…well we spend everyday together. I slept at his place more than my own home. We did everything together, and I never got tired of him. He was the kind of friend I brought home to show my parents, and… I could just look at him and know that everything would be alright. As long as we trusted each other. And I did. But not anymore.” Dejun’s head was down, his gaze looking at his feet because he didn’t dare looking at the others.

But what Chenle said, made him look up. “So he’s your boyfriend?” Dejun looked at him, both Chenle and Jisung looked at him with big smiles and big eyes. Dejun wasn’t sure, but it did look like the two were what he and Guanheng used to be. “Are you...?” Dejun said, slightly hesitating.

Jisung looked at Chenle and then nodded. Dejun felt something burning in his chest, maybe it was the feeling of being alive.

“Are you for real?”

“Are we for real what? Dating? Yes,” Chenle said firmly, almost yelling at him. It only made Dejun smile, “Okay, to tell you the truth, Guanheng was my boyfriend.”

“We know,” Renjun said. He looked amused, “It was pretty obvious, that’s why we’re letting you stay here with us. We don’t like people who don’t like us. But you’re one of us, so you’re welcome.” Dejun felt happy, other than Guanheng, he didn’t know other gay people. And even though this was only the second meeting with them, he felt like he had found his real family.

“So, you’re gay too?” Dejun asked Renjun, who then nodded in response.

Dejun smiled, he was happy of course, but he still felt sad. He thought about Guanheng, did he know about them? They did work together after all, so maybe he knew.

“Did Guanheng know?”

Renjun nodded, “You see, I’m a genius. And as a gay myself. I know how to spot another gay person.”

“Really, how?”

“It’s a secret.”

Dejun scoffed, “You probably just saw his phone messages or something.”

“Whatever, how I found out doesn’t matter. I found out and then I told him about me, then Chenle decided to tell him too. But it didn’t seem like he wasn’t so interested in it. Probably because he already had someone.”

Dejun’s mood went down, he wondered why Guanheng hadn’t told him about them. Dejun had just found out, and thought about telling him, why didn’t he? “When was this?”

“I don’t know, it was months ago. I think somewhere at the end of spring.”

Dejun nodded, “Hm.”

“But I don’t think he was so fond of us, we were pretty annoying at work. We teased him a lot, at least Chenle. But don't worry, we're not annoying anymore.” Dejun just nodded subtly. “Okay, so you came here for weed, right?”

“Mhm.”

“Okay,” Renjun sighed, “Chenle, tell him.”

“What?” He said, after having his conversation with his boyfriend interrupted.

“Tell him about the weed.”

“Right. You see, smoking weed isn’t something we do every day or every week. It’s every month. Once in a month. And we weren’t planning on doing it today, so why would we change our plans for you?”

Dejun didn’t have an answer for that, in fact, he didn’t expect to be welcomed in. It all happened very spontaneously, and Dejun was at loss for words. “I…you don’t. Yes, there is no reason for you to change to today just for me. But I came here hoping for being able to do it. So, if you want to be nice then you could consider changing. What day were you originally going to do it then?”

It was their turn being speechless. But Jisung spoke, “We didn’t. We didn’t set a date.” Chenle shot him a tensed glare and then whispered something in his ear.

Renjun laughed and leaned forwards, putting his elbows on his knees, “It doesn’t matter. Everytime we do it is the same, doesn’t matter when anyways. Then let’s do it.” Dejun surprisingly didn’t feel nervous, he expected it to be the same as drinking alcohol, but with worse effects. And that was exactly what he wanted.

Chenle stood up, “Follow me.” Dejun did. They went to the kitchen where there was a big silver box, it looked like it kept something expensive or extremely valuable. The box looked like it belonged in a bank, where the most secretive things were kept. Chenle looked at Dejun’s reaction, “Rich and powerful parents,” he said and winked. He pushed some buttons and then ‘beep’ it opened up.

Chenle grabbed a plastic bag with green content. The weed. He closed the box again and then the light turned red. “What kind of box is that?” Chenle smirked, “It’s a very…useful box.” It was all he said, and it only made Dejun more curious.

They returned to and their seats in the living room. ”Listen, this is your first time doing this, right? So whatever you do, listen to what we say. You have to obey, or there will be no next time.” It shocked him, the chances of a 'next time' never occured to him, he was already doubtful about a 'first time'. Dejun nodded.

“Marijuana doesn’t make you hallucinate, but it will make you lose sense of time, your senses will be shaky, you’ll see different colors shifting, you’ll hear things differently. Basically everything that happens you’ll experience differently. After you’ve taken it in, the effects will kick in in matter of minutes, and it’ll last for hours, but how long it lasts will depend on how much you take. Since you’re a beginner, try only this much,” Chenle took out a little from the bag in his palm and held it up. “This is a lot for a first-timer. Jisung, go get the vaporizer.”

Jisung immediately went up to get it. “Listen, we will let you do it alone for a while, so we can keep an eye on you. Then when you’re in it, we’ll join you.” Dejun nodded. Jisung came back with three vaporizers, Chenle took one from his hand and gave it Dejun.

“Do you know how to use it?” Chenle asked. “Erm, no,” he said, which gave him sighs in replies “Jesus Christ, you don’t know anything.”

“Just teach him then,” Renjun said.

“No you do it.” Renjun shooked his head but then sat down next to Dejun. “Give this to me,” Renjun grabbed the vape from him. “See it looks like a pen, here is the barrel where you put the weed. Here’s the button you push to heat it up. It won’t produce smoke, which is great since we live in an apartment. The landlord would throw us out and into jail. Anyways, it’s easy, so just do it when you feel ready.”

Dejun felt more than ready, he wanted to get high, so high that he would reach the stars.

Chenle helped him with putting the grinded weed into the barrel and he pressed the button. After a while, he felt the pen getting warm, “Can I do it now?”

“Not yet.” He waited a little longer, obediently and stared at it.

“You can probably do it now,” Renjun said.

Without a second thought, he put it in his mouth and inhaled. Deeply. He removed it and exhaled just as much as he inhaled. He looked at Renjun, then at Chenle and Jisung. “You can repeat now if you want.” Dejun did but lighter this time. He did it a few times more. Then after some few minutes, he started to feel light, happy. The knot in his chest felt like it was untying itself. His muscles relaxed as well. He gasped.

“Wow,” Dejun looked around himself, and he felt like laughing, so he laughed. “Hahahah, tehehhe,” he made more sounds through his nose and mouth.

“Dude,” he heard Chenle next to him say, which only made him laugh more.

“Dude? That’s like, the funniest shit ever.” Chenle and Renjun exchanged looks. Jisung was laughing with him. No, he was laughing _at_ him.

“Jisung. Are you laughing at me?” Dejun asked with a squeaky voice.

“No.”

“It’s fine, you can laugh. I don’t care.” And with that, all three of them laughed at him. “You know what, it is funny. Funny how Guanheng left me. Actually now that I think of it, I don’t’ feel sad anymore. He can leave. He already did. I’m not looking for him anymore.” Dejun was smiling. And for that moment, it felt like real happiness.

The three of them stopped laughing. “Hey, if you’re here to forget about Guanheng, maybe it isn’t such a god idea.”

“No, I think this is great. Guanheng, I think it’s funny. He just left,” Dejun laughed, “I’m okay.” Saying those words made Dejun feel…odd, but also free. He felt funny. He laughed more and more as he kept thinking about him, because it didn’t feel painful anymore. “He just left! Maybe he’s dead. I wouldn’t know.” Renjun, Chenle and Jisung looked at him worriedly. Dejun laughed in their face, “Why are you all looking at me like that? C’mon, join me.”

The next day, Dejun woke up on the floor, he was still at Renjun’s and the other’s place, but when he looked around, no one else was. He sat up and strangely he didn’t feel bad in a way. At least not physically, he had expected to feel a headache, or wanting to puke, but no. His body felt completely fine, but then he tried to remember what had happened, what he did last night. And he couldn’t remember a thing, except for some images.

He went up to the kitchen to get some water, feeling a little dry. Then he found Jisung, sitting by the table with a computer in front of him and in headphones. Jisung looked up, he smiled and waved at him. Dejun figured he was face timing with other people.

He went to the sink and drank water from the faucet without a glass, he didn’t want to come in and pretend that he owned everything. And he also didn’t know where the glasses were, so he drank from the faucet directly, quenching his thirst.

After a while, he turned around and looked at Jisung, who took off his headphones.

“Good morning, do you know what time it is?”

“Uh, no.”

“It’s half past two.”

“Oh…um. I don’t care about that actually. Are we alone? Where are the others?”

“They’re working. I’m studying through an online classes right now. How are you feeling?”

“I said I’m alright. Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like you…know something. About me.”

“Oh,” Jisung said and looked down, “So you don’t remember.”

Dejun tried to, but nothing he remembered made sense, nothing of it seemed to add up together. Something he did remember however, was how he felt. “You talked a lot, especially about your Guanheng. I probably know more about you two than you want.” Jisung said. Dejun started to remember how happy he felt while talking about him, well it wasn’t happiness, but during those hours, he didn’t feel the sadness that was now coming back to him, he didn’t feel the pain in his chest.

“What happened yesterday? Tell me everything.”

“It’s a lot, and I have to return to class soon.”

“Just tell me as much as you can now then,” Dejun said and sat himself across Jisung.

“Okay, well. After you inhaled it, you laughed a lot. It was pretty scary. You first talked a lot about Guanheng and laughed at how he left you. You said you found it funny. Then you got hungry, so you went down to the convenience store and bought a lot of snack. Like, a lot. You pretty much ate it all up. Then you went on about your family, how you missed you niece’s birth, and how you’re not part of your family anymore.” 

Dejun frowned and tried to imagine hiself doing all those things. It was weird. 

“When are Renjun and Chenle coming back?” He asked Jisung.

“Usually around five.” Dejun felt hopeful.

He went to the silver box on the floor next to the refrigerator, where the weed was. “How do I open this?” Jisung reacted fast, “Hey! You can’t touch that!” Jisung flew next to him and pushed him. Dejun fell over, he got mad.

“Hey, why did you push me you idiot!”

“Don’t touch! It’s not yours!” Jisung shouted in his face, and he pushed him again. Damn, Dejun though. Jisung was strong, despite his slender arms.

“Stop pushing me, I want weed!”

“You won’t be able to open it! Stop it!” Dejun started to press some random buttons, but it started to beep. “You idiot! Move away!” Jisung slapped Dejun’s hands away.

“No! You move!” But Jisung, who was losing patience, pushed him again, making Dejun fall on the floor again, this time much further away than before. Dejun got up, but he looked at Jisung, and he was doing something with the box. After a moment the beeping stopped and a light that blinking red stopped as well. Jisung exhaled and looked at Dejun.

He was younger than him, but the look on his face was the look of someone older being disappointed in a younger. He shook his head, “You have some issues you need to solve.” He returned to his computer and put on his headphones again. “Teacher, can I go? I have some business I need to take care of.” Then he smiled and said thanks.

He closed the computer and gave Dejun a death stare. “You can’t open that box; it can only be open once in a moth. It’s high technology and we got it from Chenle, his parents are rich, like really rich and powerful. Don’t tell anyone about that, we will get in trouble. And you are… a problem. A big problem.” Jisung shook his head when he said the last, which only made Dejun roll his eyes.

“The only problem here is the box, can you help me open it?” Dejun returned to trying to open it, Jisung flew up form his chair. “

Hey! Don’t start again!” Jisung took hold of Dejun’s wrists, making him struggle. “Let! Me! Go!”

“No! The beeping will signal Renjun and Chenle’s phones. They’ll be here soon because it already beeped. Don’t make it beep again!”

“Why do they care? No, why do you care?”

“Because they left me with you, and I’m responsible for you!”

“That’s bullshit, you’re three years younger than me.”

“But I’m not depressed or an addict!” Those words were like a slap in his face Dejun felt his anger grow and grow even more, his heart felt like it was being consumed by an endless darkness.

“Just let me get some weed!” Dejun cried out. His eyes filled up with tears, “How else will I be happy?” He twisted his arms and freed himself from Jisung’s grip, he tried to punch him, but Jisung was quick to defend himself, he avoided it, but Dejun threw another punch. He missed and was pushed again, hard this time. He hit the wall this time, his head bounced off the wall.

“I’m sorry, are you okay?” Jisung ran towards him, but Dejun shook his head, “Don’t.”

“I’m really sorry, but you need to take care of your health. Just look at you, red eyes, eyebags, you look bony you’re very pale. You can’t get addicted to weed. It won’t help you forget about Guanheng. I know you miss him, but this isn’t right.” Dejun broke into tears.

It hadn’t been three months yet since Guanheng vanished, but he felt like it had been years. It felt like years ago he last heard Guanheng talk and laugh, feel his lips against his. He missed the warmth Guanheng gave him, the safety and adventure. He missed everything about him, but he was gone.

He heard the door open and people running inside. Renjun and Chenle came into the kitchen. “What happened?” Chenle asked. Jisung told them about the fight they had and Dejun’s desperate attempt to get weed.

Renjun went to Dejun and pulled him up. “Dejun, what is wrong with you? You made me leave work. You know you can’t get high right after you’ve woken up from it. It’s not good. Weed isn’t for curing depression; it’ll only make it worse and kill you in the end. We can help you, but if weed is the help you’re seeking, then we won’t help.” Dejun sobbed, feeling like a wretch. He was a hopeless idiot.

He looked into Renjun’s eyes, the eyes looking at him were worried, filled with pity. Dejun hated it, he scoffed and left them.

One night in late February, one week before his and Guanheng’s anniversary, he couldn’t sleep, he wouldn't let him sleep. He knew that the moment he woke up, he would be clueless of what was going on. And he would go through the same thing again.

He decided to go to the police station and ask about Guanheng, he didn't care about the stench of alcohol seizing him. He didn't care about anything anymore. Except maybe Guanheng. 

It was snowing, slowly filling the streets in more snow and cold. He shivered as he walked, with his hands in his pocket and shoulders high. He felt his skin getting cold, his cheeks growing red, but he ignored it all. He continued walking in his slow speed. With clumsy steps ha made it through the thick snow that was setting layers on the ground. He thought about Guanheng, where he could be, what he was doing. He wondered if he still loved him. He realized he had mixed feeling about Guanheng, was it possible to love a person, and hate the person at the same time?

After a long walk, he finally saw the lights shining from the police station. It glowed red and blue. He forced a deep breath, which was hard for him, and walked in with drowsy movements. There was a man at the reception. Dejun walked up to him.

“Hey, um, do you, uh, um, do you know where Guanheng is?” Dejun mumbled. The police looked at him blandly. "Did, did you hear me?"

"Yes, I hear you. What are you saying?"

“I'm looking for, I'm, I'm looking for," he blinked a few times. His brain was close to shutting down. 

The police got annoyed, "Can you talk properly? What are you doing here?”

“I'm looking, looking for Guanheng of course," he sniffled, "Do you kn-know where he is?”

“Is he missing? Does he have a surname?”

“Uh, ye-yes. Huang.”

The police nodded, “Huang Guanheng, have you reported him?”

“Yes,” Dejun answered.

“And when was that?”

“Well, uh. I don't really, I don't really remember. Was it years ago? Wait, what date is it now? I think it was-” Dejun couldn't keep his balance, and his was getting unconscious. His head fell on the glass barrier between him and the cop.

The police was taken aback, and visibly disgusted, “Argh, enough! Come back when you're sober! Leave! You little piece of shit!”

“I- what the fuck is your problem?” Dejun felt conflicted, he didn't understand what he was doing wrong. 

"God, why do I have to take care of civilians like you? All you do is drink every day," the cop muttered, as he got to Dejun's side and pushed him out. "Goodbye!"

Dejun started to shiver as soon as he was outside again. The cold weather stroked him out hard. And he fell on the foot of the entrance. 

Dejun opened his eyes. He was in the hospital. He woke up with a big headache. What the fuck happened, he thought. He tried to remember, but all he remembered was cold air. After a while of waiting and just trying to remember, a nurse came into to check up on him. 

"You're awake, how are you feeling?" 

"Not good, headache." 

"Of course, take these aspirins and you'll be alright." She put them on the table besides along with a cup of water. "You passed out because of the cold. Do you know what hypothermia is?"

"No."

"It's a medical emergency that occurs when your body loses heat faster than it can produce it. Your body temperature decreases to a critical condition, causing your organs to not function normally. Iit's what happened to you." 

"Oh."

"Do you have a name?"

"Xiao Dejun." She wrote it down on some papers.

"Do you have family you want to call?" 

"No," Dejun said. 

"Are you sure? We didn't find a phone on you, if we did we would have called your emergency contact."

"Good thing I didn't brought my phone with me then. No one cares about me anyways."

She sighed and crossed her arms, "You're free to leave. Just take the medicine first." Then she left.

Dejun was left alone in the desolate hospital room. He felt tired, too tired to move. He swallowed the medicine in one go. Suddenly, he had the urge to drink, drink alcohol of course. Water didn't do it. He was free to leave, so he got up. He tried his best not to fall. 

A few weeks later, Yangyang came to check up on him in the studio, Dejun had been there all alone. Being alone made him feel like they didn’t want him anymore. But Yangyang came, he didn’t say hi though, he just fell next to him on the couch and looked at Dejun lying on the couch grieving.

“Man, I miss him,” Yangyang said, Dejun hummed tiredly in agreement. “I don’t understand why he left. He seemed so happy. Maybe he hid something, I wouldn’t know. Because after the two of you got together you would spend less time with us. I kind of missed how it was before you were together, to be honest. But now, I miss him when he was still here and together with you. I remember how it was before you got together. I could see you two staring at each other, but not at the same time. And I could see the love in your gazes, it was pretty cute. And it was annoying when you didn’t realize the other, like, it was so obvious.” Yangyang smiled for himself, reminiscing about the past made him soft.

But it was torture for Dejun, he sighed heavily. He sat up, “Just shut up! Shut the fuck up! Yangyang, don’t you understand that thinking about him makes it hurt more? I don’t want to hear about it.” Dejun fell back on the couch again to his previous position, feeling weak.

Yangyang’s gentle look on his face vanished, his faces hardened and ascended form the couch. “Look, I’m not the one going to his place and crying in his bed every night. And I know it’s normal because you were his boyfriend. But doing that hurts you more than talking about it. So get to your senses, because yelling at me, for also missing him does not make sense. He was my friend too. I lost Guanheng too. We all did.”

Dejun fell speechless.

“So don’t be so selfish, please. I get it, you’re special, you were his lover. But he’s gone, and it’s time for you to move on. He’s not coming back,” Yangyang said, because it needed to be said for the sake of his friends wellbeing.

“Do you think he’s dead?” Dejun’s calm voice uttered.

“What? No, I-“ Yangyang sunk down on the couch again.

“I sometimes wish he was,” Dejun said, “That means he didn’t leave us, that he didn’t leave me. But then I also think about how I will never get him back. If he really is dead. And that his body hasn’t been found yet, maybe it never will. So he’ll never get a funeral. I don’t want him to be dead, but sometimes…I wish he were. And I know that is really selfish of me, but you can’t blame me. He was my everything.”

Yangyang rolled his eyes at the last sentence, getting really pissed off, “You don’t get it, do you? He was not your everything, and he surely isn’t now that he left. You still have us, your friends, your family. Are you really just going to disregard all of us because of him? Is he more important than all of us together? Maybe you should just vanish just like him.” Those words Yangyang spat out, made Dejun feel like had had been stabbed with a sword shaped like reality. “You’ve been acting like an asshole,” he said.

“How?” Dejun got defensive.

“Oh my god, you don’t even want to admit it,” Yangyang said, “Okay. I’ll tell you the truth. You’ve been acting like a jerk, like an idiot. You leave us when we’re not even done talking to you. You just ignore us, you shake your head in disagreement and roll your eyes. Do you think we feel good about that? No. You don’t say thank you, you don’t say hi. You comments are really negative, when me and Sicheng talk for example, you just listen and drop a negative comment. You aren’t even talking with us, but yet you find the time and effort to comment mean stuff. It’s not nice, you know. I know you’re hurting, but it doesn’t give you the right to say those kinds of things, if you ask me at least.” Dejun kept quiet.

Yangyang was brutally honest because he was sick of Dejun being a sad sack of potato.

Yangyang stood up, “Look, I’m not looking for an apology, I just want you to change. I want you to be happy and feel good. You can apologize when you feel it’s the right time. I’m going to help you, so I’m taking you with me to the club.” Yangyang pulled Dejun up from the couch by his wrist. “You’re coming with me whether you like it or not, you’re going to hook up with a girl, then you’ll be over Guanheng in an instant.”

“Fine, I can try. I don’t think it’ll work though.”

“It’s worth a try, just make sure that you don’t drink. You’re already drunk.” With that they went to the club the Yangyang loved so much. It had his favorite drinks and the music was always his taste, it was always packed with people dancing and having fun. And the best part was the secret party upstairs.

The club was according to Yangyang, always packed and this day was no exception, it was a little past midnight and there were people dancing on the dance floor, people singing along the songs even though the music was too loud for their voices to be heard. The music gave Dejun a slight headache, but he ignored it.

Yangyang brought him though the dance floor to the tables where there were people making out, chatting, and taking shots. Seeing people making out only made Dejun miss Guanheng, chatting was something he could do, but didn’t want to do. However, taking shots seemed fun and he wanted to do it.

“Do you want me to get you a private room with a stripper?” Yangyang suddenly asked.

Dejun was taken aback, “What? A stripper? No, no, no, Yangyang, what the fuck, I don't want a fucking whore around me?” He took a deep breath, not knowing why.

“It's not a whore, it's a stripper,” Yangyang corrected. “What do you say? It'll be fun. And the best part is, they take things off of your mind, and you won't need alcohol to do it.”

Dejun nodded. “I’ll pay, you look dead, Jun. I think a girl can wake some life into you,” Yangyang said and patted Dejun on the shoulder.

“Yangyang, is this even a strip club? It doesn’t seem like it.”

Yangyang smirked, “Upstairs,” he said.

As they walked up the stairs, Dejun had to pause and breath. Yangyang got annoyed and dragged him up. He didn’t notice Dejun’s heavy breathing. Eventually, they got a private room, where there was a small stage with a pole in the middle, and a couch for him with a table. Dejun and Yangyang went inside and a stripper followed them.

“Hello boys, you seem a little young, are you sure you can pay for me?”

“Well, if you put on a good show for us then you’ll see how much we really have.”

“Aren’t you a smooth talker.”

“Yeah, but I can’t really play tonight. Your client is him,” Yangyang said and nodded at Dejun. The woman looked at Dejun, judging by the face, she wasn’t impressed.

“He’s kind of stiff, I was hoping you could just…make him a little more exciting.”

The woman in her late twenties sighed, “I’ll see what I can do, but only if he’s willing to let me try.”

“Of course, why else would he be here?”

“Alright, make yourself comfortable then.” Yangyang gestured Dejun to sit down, Yangyang sat beside him too and the dancer started her performance for them. She danced and did some gymnastic tricks on the pole, Dejun was bored all the time, but surprised a few times when she made some moves that made Dejun question if she had bones.

Another thing he questioned was his presence there, was he even there? He felt like a ghost watching them from outside. All he could think of was Guanheng. He felt like he was doing something wrong, like he still was tied to Guanheng.

Yangyang next to him was happy, excited and the woman did her thing. But Dejun, unlike them, wanted to leave, but the reason for coming here was to get rid of Guanheng from his mind, so he stayed. But staying only made his headache grew worse.

Yangyang gestured something that Dejun didn’t understand, but the dancer did. The dancer approached him, and Yangyang sneaked out from the room. “Hey, what’s happening?”

“The rich kid asked me to give you a lap dance,” the woman said. Her voice was husky. She started the lap dance, she wasn’t wearing anything but thongs and a bra, her heels were by the pole. She was close, too close. Dejun could smell her perfume, it was sweet, sexy. He could feel the heat around him and he closed his eyes.

Dejun wanted to forget Guanheng, because remembering him only brought him pain, but he couldn’t. She placed her hand on him, caressed him from his neck to the thigh. Dejun was scared, it was the first time getting physical contact with someone other than Guanheng, and last time he had sex with Guanheng was a long time ago. A low whimper escaped from him, out of his control.

He thought, fuck it, the reason he was here was to forget Guanheng. He had to try. He opened his eyes. He met big eyes staring at him, she moved her mouth to his ear, “Keep your eyes on me,” she whispered.

“Um…yes, ma’am,” Dejun stuttered. To say he was nervous was an understatement. The woman straddled on him, she started to move her hips in circles, and pressed her breasts on Dejun’s chest once in a while. Dejun sighed, he was getting aroused, he couldn’t help it, he couldn’t control the way his body reacted.

After a while, he started to feel even dizzier than before, his heartbeat increased of arousal and nervousness. His breathing started to shake, and his head was getting heavy. Something was wrong.

“Save me, Guanheng,” he mumbled. He couldn’t handle it anymore; he wasn’t feeling well. He shook his head and pushed the woman aside. “I’m sorry, my friend will pay you.”

He left the room and faltered downstairs. He knew Yangyang was probably having the time of his life with some females, so he sat by the bar.

The music was louder than it was in the private room, his headache was worse than before and he started some tingling in his ears. He put his elbows on the counter and held his head. He closed his eyes, the lights entering his eyes only intensified his headache. He needed a moment to breath, he inhaled and exhaled, felt his chest go up and down. His heart needed to calm down, but he felt his headache starting to ache more. He didn’t know what it was that made him feel so weak, but he decided he needed a drink.

He called the barista, told her to get some shots. Within a few minutes he sat with twenty small shot glasses in front of him. One after one, he swallowed the burning liquor down, feeling alive. Each drink reminded him of why he was there, it was because he had to forget Guanheng, but he didn’t want to forget. And he couldn’t. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t understand why Guanheng was gone.

Was it because he was dead? Or was it because he didn’t love him anymore. Nothing made sense, and it was frustrating for Dejun to not know why Guanheng had left. He emptied another glass. His arms felt heavy, yet Guanheng was the only thing on his mind. Not knowing anything was probably what kept him on his mind. He kept drinking, chugging down his sorrow, but after the last shot, he felt the need to throw up, at the same time, he didn’t feel like getting up, or moving at all. His head hit the counter; too weak to sit straight.

Dejun felt like dying, and then, he passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for making it to the end!! I know this was probably a heavy chapter to get through, it's really long compared to the others. 
> 
> Please correct me if I've written some wrong things. I hope you enjoyed it! 
> 
> It will get better soon. I promise! Thank you again <3 <3 <3 <3 <3


	7. Trying to smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dejun wakes up at the hospital again, and when some things happen there, his life starts to change. He goes into rehab, and things slightly gets better. But Guanheng is still gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a pretty heavy chapter too, but a little more cheerful. I like this chapter a lot, I hope you like it too!!

Dejun opened his eyes, he blinked a few times before looking around him. Everything was white around him, he saw a small TV hanging on the one of the corners, a door on his right side and a window where light came shining through on his left side.

“Why am I here?” he mumbled for himself. He felt something attached to his arm, he lifted the white blanket over him, and saw a tube with blood going inside his arm. He panicked and looked at his side, there was a bag of blood hanging next to his bed, he quickly sat up. No, he _tried_ to sit up. He couldn’t as he was too weak. He felt dizzy when he moved, so he lied down again, thinking of what had happened to him. He tried to remember. He closed his eyes, his heart beat fast.

 _Right,_ he remembered being in a club and drinking too many shots of vodka. He remebered Yangyang, and he remembered the awful woman dancing on him. 

His train of thoughts stopped when a nurse came in, she smiled when she saw him awake. “Hello, you’re fianlly awake, how do you feel?”

“I…I don’t know. Dizzy, tired. A really strong headache. What happened to me?” Dejun’s throat was dry, he couldn’t speak properly.

She gave him another weak smile, “They said you passed out in a club. You drank too much alcohol, causing anemia.” Dejun understood, but it wasn’t just because of those thirty shots he had taken, it was probably because of all those beers ha had drunken these past months. He laughed at himself. The nurse checked his vitals, “Can you stand? I need to weight you.” Dejun nodded and got up from the bed, it all happened very slowly.

“Did I...almost die?” He asked, feeling like he needed to know.

The nurse hesitated, “I don’t know. I think so. You’ll have to ask the doctor. You can lie back down, now. Thank you. I'll take your temperature now.” Dejun sat himself on the edge of the bed and gave it to her, she used an ear thermometer on him.

“It would’ve been nice if I died…maybe I would’ve seen him, then.” Dejun didn’t say it for the nurse to hear, he said it quietly like a whisper, but the nurse still heard him.

“I don’t know what you’ve been through but being a nurse that’s helping to keep you alive, I’d appreciate it if you stayed alive for as long as possible. And live your life to the fullest.” Dejun looked at her, surprised by the sudden candidness that he didn’t ask for. She just smiled innocently. “I’m done now, I’ll contact your family and friends to tell them you’re awake. 

Dejun panicked. “No, you can't do that! I- I don't have any friends. They don't care about anyone! And my family...I don't have a family. They don't want me anymore,” Dejun spated out bitterly.

"I can understand that you don't want them to see you like this. But I'm just following the protocols. I'm sorry. Just lay down, you need to rest." Dejun crossed his arms and glared at her.

"You might think people don't care about you, but your friend waited for you to wake up, you’ve been sleeping for more than 24 hours now, he was really worried. But I told him to leave because he too needed to rest. Does it not count?" 

Dejun turned to his side to ignore her.

"There's aspirin here on the table if you need." Then she left.

After some time, Yangyang, Xuxi and Chittaphon arrived. Shortly after, Kun and Sicheng came.

“Oh my God! I thought you were going to die!” Yangyang hugged him, feeling relieved after having been worried for hours.

“What’s wrong? What happened?”

“I’m sorry, Dejun! I shouldn’t have left you with that stripper.” The others came and mobbed him by the bed.

“What did you say? A stripper?” Kun asked.

“No wonder you were so silent on the way here,” Chittaphon pointed out.

“What, were you too ashamed to tell us?”

“Well you know now, so shut up,” Yangyang said.

Dejun rolled his eyes, “Can you be quiet please, I have a headache.”

They all shut up in and instant. Dejun could see the worry in everyone’s face, it annoyed him. Hadn’t he been an ass? How could they still care about him? He didn't want to show any emotions. "Why the fuck are you here?"

"Because we care about you, you idiot! You almost died!"

“That wouldn't be so bad.” He said meekly, but very straightforward.

"Stop talking like that."

"Or what? What will you do if I don't? Leave? Yeah, it doesn't change anything."

"Do you really want to stay like this? We want to help you."

“If you want to help then tell me what happened, how did I end up here?”

“We don't know either, Yangyang hasn't told us anything.” 

"Then I think Yangyang can tell us now."

“Okay, I’ll tell you. But don’t interrupt me,” Yangyang said, he then muttered “I’ll take questions later," he said bitterly.

“What’s with that attitude?” Chittaphon asked.

“Shut up, do you want to hear or not?”

Dejun was getting irritated, their loud voices weren't helping his headache, “Just start talking, Yangyang.”

“Okay,” he shot Chittaphon a glare and then continued. “When I left you with that stripper, I went to have some time for myself, which I now know was wrong. I shouldn’t have left you alone. I was dancing with some other girls, but then the stripper came! It was very embarrassing; most people downstairs don’t know about the strippers upstairs. She came looking for me, but she found you first at the bar. She knew something wasn’t right with you, she checked your pulse, and you were practically dead. Initially, she came looking for me because she wanted her money. When she found me, she did ask for her money first. But then she told me about you, that you passed out by the bar. She brought me to you and then I called the ambulance. She said you mumbled something and the pushed her away. It was something about Guanheng. I panicked! I’m sorry Dejun, I shouldn’t have left you. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken you with me in the first place.”

"So it's because of the stripper I'm here and alive?" Dejun scoffed, "Funny how strangers keep saving my life." 

"What do you mean 'keep saving'? You've almost died before!?" Kun exclaimed.

Dejun nodded, "It was weeks ago. I was drunk and out in the cold weather. I got into hospital because of hypothermia or something."

"And you didn't tell us!?"

"I just did, didn't I?"

"But why haven't you done it before?" Sicheng asked confusedly.

"You wouldn't care anyways."

"Jesus, Dejun. We've been through this. We do care. Why else would we be here now?" Sicheng argued.

"You don't. If you did you would find Guanheng. I don't want your concern, if you don't think about Guanheng."

"But we do think about him. I think about him everyday. Do you think we don't miss him? He was our friend too, we lost him too. We're just trying to be strong and hopeful. We don't know where he is, and there is no possibility of us finding him. All we can do is wait for him to come back. But we can help you, he left you like this and he shouldn't have. But we are your friends and we want to help," Xuxi explained.

Dejun felt weak, physically but also mentally. He teared up, maybe his friends were right. "I wish you were right. Those were some nice words. But I can't depend on just sitting around waiting for him to come back. He might as well be dead." He stared at the ceiling, and he let the tears swell out, flooding down his cheeks.

"No, you're right. You can't sit around and wait for him. what you can do is take care of yourself. Please, Guanheng wouldn't want you to become like this. He would want you to have fun and laugh with us, he would want you to be happy." 

Dejun shut his eyes, pressing down all the tears out together. "You are really trying to make me feel better, are you?" 

"Yes," Chittaphon said firmly.

"Look at me, I'm an addict. I can't do shit without starting to drink again. Just look at me, I look horrible. I have anemia, I need someone else's blood to survive! How can you possibly help me?" He coughed.

"We can't but we will support you. We can ask for professional help. As long as you are willing to help yourself." 

Dejun opened his eyes again and looked at his friends who were mobbing him. They all made sense. What didn't make sense was why Guanheng left. And Dejun was sick of not knowing. Seeing his friends being so concerned about him made him feel touched. And he hadn't felt that in a long time. He realized how much he had missed them. And suddenly he remembered the things Yangyang said to him before they went to the club.

"I'm sorry," Dejun said. "I’m sorry for being such a burden, and a douche. I’m sorry for making you worry about me. I’m really sorry. For everything.”

"It's okay, Dejun. We forgive you."

"Really? But I've been such a jerk."

"And you apologized. You're forgiven now."

Dejun covered his face with his hands, he couldn't control his expressions. He cried because he felt hopeful. Hopeful about restarting his life again. "I'm sorry," he sobbed. "Fuck, I forgot how much I love you guys. Can I have a hug?" They all pulled each other into a group hug. How could he ever disregard and reject these people?

They left him to let him rest. But they were still nearby in case he wanted something. But the time for him to rest was short. 

A knock was heard and in came his family, his mother rushed to his side. “A'zeon! You stupid boy! Where have you been these months? What happened to you?!” She came crying and hugged him, resting her body weight on Dejun. His eyes emitted even more water now, wetting his already wet cheeks.

He felt guilty for not coming home to his mom, guilty for making her worry. She probably worried herself to death, like all mothers do.

Like him, she had also called him and texted him, asking where he was. They had broken their contact very ugly, his dad telling him that he should consider himself an orphan. His mother stopped calling him too. Dejun had thought that his relationship with his family was completely irredeemable, but now his mother was crying on top of him as if everything between them had been solved.

He broke into tears, coming to the realization his family still loved him and truly care about him. He sobbed, “I’m sorry. Really, really sorry.” He sniffled, he could barely see his family through the tears welling up in his eyes, he saw them in blurry vision. He closed his eyes and embraced his old mother, his eyelids pushing his tears down. It was quite in the room, only Dejun and his mother’s crying made small sounds. From that moment, his heart felt like it was being pulled from the darkness. But there was still no light.

His dad and brother went up to him, “Zeon, can you come home soon? Your mother is going crazy, she’s worried about you.” Dejun smirked at that, his dad had said exactly those words in a voice message before he had told him he didn’t belong to the Xiao family. Dejun knew it was his father’s way of taking those words back. He smiled, finally feeling a sense of safety. He sighed in relief. “I'm sorry, I missed you,” he whispered again.

“Well, come home and we’ll talk. You need to rest now,” his father smiled. Dejun knew his father wasn’t the best in expressing his feelings, especially when there were people around. But he could still feel the sincerity in his dad’s words, and he knew that he was saying he missed him too. “You’re alright, right?” His father said, and Dejun nodded. He patted on Dejun’s leg, “Good boy,” he said.

Dejun’s brother came to the other side. “Siu Dakzeon, you missed your niece’s birth.”

Dejun swallowed, “And I’m sorry,” he said.

His brother snickered. “It’s okay, we forgive you. She’s waiting for your apologize though, she wants to meet her uncle.”

Dejun smiled, feeling extremely touched, “I’ll meet her as soon as I can, I promise.” His brother ruffled his hair and laughed. “You better keep that promise. Your mother made you soup.” He lifted his left arm and revealed a round metallic container.

“Give it to me,” his mother said and took it.

“I need to go now, but get better soon, alright?” Dejun nodded and watched his brother leave, and Dejun didn’t feel sad over it. He knew his brother had work, a wife and a daughter. Of course he couldn’t stay, and he was okay with that.

His mother opened the container, “A’zeon, are you hungry? Do you want me to feed you?” Dejun smiled, but felt embarrassed, “God, I’m sick, not useless. I’ll eat later.”

“Okay,” she said. She sighed and looked at him fondly, “You’ve gotten so skinny and pale, sweetie.”

Dejun nodded, “I know, I've heard it before.”

"Then you better finish this soup I made you. It'll give you strength." 

"Okay, I will. But mom, dad. I have some things I haven't told you. It's about why I've become like this." They say down and listened. And he told them about Guanheng, his disappearance, and how Dejun looked for him but only found a hidden bottle of wine and started to drink. 

After being released from the hospital, he got enrolled in a rehabilitation center. The first time he went there was getting a diagnosis, he was indeed an addict. The next time he went there was to set up the rehab process.

Then it started. He would first just talk about himself, have a conversation with a neutral professional psychiatrist. He would also find a way to detox himself from the alcohol, to get rid of it from his system. He went to the rehabilitation center, which was in a hospital, twice a week. It worked fine at first. The conversations would help him understand himself more, he realized that when Guanheng vanished, he broke his trust. It also explained why he became so distant with his family and friends, why he was so rude. He was scared that they would leave him too. So he ruined their relationship before they could leave him. 

His physical treatment involved some B12 pills, to his anemia. He also had to detox himself, but it had to be smooth. The trick was not to completely cut off the alcohol. If he did and then all of a sudden come in contact with it, there would be no telling how much he would drink. What he had to do was to decrease the amount of alcohol intake. He had to get used to drinking in small takes, and not excessively much. and with time, he would decrease it even more, until he practically didn't drink anymore. Slowly and steadily putting out the fire.

Living back home made Dejun realize that the best rehabilitation method was to be around people, to rehabilitate with the help of his family and friends. Not to sit and talk about himself. Being around his family and friends made him feel like a real person again, someone who is connected to the world and has a purpose. 

His dad was gone to work half of the day, his mom was home with him, accompanying him. They would spend the day playing chess, watching TV, baking, cleaning and everything that could be done at home. Dejun made up with his mother and was now giving back for the time she worried about him. And he was slowly feeling better.

When his dad got off from work and returned home, they would cook together, their parents would encourage him to cook, and they taught him how to cook his favorite dishes. Being with his family so much made him realize that he had been missing them a lot, not only during the time he was hurting, but also the time he was with Guanheng. When Guanheng was still here, he would spend most of the week with him or his friends. Dongguan had indeed just become the place where his family lives and not his home.

Guangzhou was the place he spent most of his time, and now that he was with his family. He did feel a little sorry, but he still didn’t regret it. He was just happy that he could make it up for his parents. They were getting old, and he didn’t want any regrets.

A few days after he was released from the hospital, he had visited his brother, and saw his niece for the first time.

“Do you want to hold her?” His sister in law asked him, he nodded. She was small, very small, and Dejun was afraid of dropping her. He held her very closely to his chest, close to his heart that was beating nervously.

“Hi little girl, I’m sorry for missing your birth, and for being so late in meeting you. I’ll make it up to you somehow.” He rocked her in his arms, she wasn’t sleeping, and she wasn’t scared of him. She didn’t cry, instead, she looked at him with curious eyes, and even smiled a little. Dejun’s heart warmed up, seeing the little pure creature look at him so adorably, he laughed a little. He didn’t feel like an addict like him deserved to hold an innocent baby, but there he was holding his niece.

From that day on, he started to warm up to everything, he didn’t feel as his heart was frozen in ice. His brother and his family would come and visit Dejun and their parents often, and Dejun would always take his niece form his parents, wanting to spend time with her. But during the week, he would also go to his brother just to hang out with his niece. Dejun was smitten. He felt like he had to protect her, the little baby had grown on him a lot.

“When you get older, if there are any boys that hurt you, I’ll make sure to teach them a lesson, okay? Your uncle is here for you.” His sister in law would laugh at him. Dejun loved the idea of a baby, that they needed protection and care from others, and babies would never hurt anyone. His niece wouldn’t leave him, unlike Guanheng.

In a way, Dejun felt powerful. He felt powerful that he could take care of someone else’s life, that he was being useful and doing something good for once. And he felt good about it.

Despite beginning to feel better, it only lasted during the day. Whenever he felt like he was happy, he couldn’t help but feel sad again. His thought about Guanheng came back to him, and sometimes even Guanheng’s ghost. It mostly happened during night when he was going to sleep.

“What are you doing here? I don’t need you; you don’t need me.” The ghost didn’t say a thing, but Dejun was getting irritated and mad, “Just go away!” He cried out and threw a pillow at the ghost. He vanished, leaving Dejun’s mind alone. But Dejun only felt emptier. He groaned out of frustration, he kneeled on his bed with his head down.

“C’mon, forget about him,” he whispered and hit himself on the head, repeatedly. “Forget about him, forget about him,” he said as he hit his head. He banged his head on his pillow. At the end, he broke into tears. But he wasn’t alone, his mom would wake up from her sons cries, and she would come and comfort him, telling him that everything is going to be okay. He just needed to cry it out. But it happened frequently, and he started to think if he’d ever forget about him. Sure, it was getting easier to live, but he wasn’t living life to the fullest, and he sure didn’t live it as happily as he could. It was a long way left for him to finally feel alive and happy again. And it was Guanheng’s fault.

The winter was slowly melting away, from Mars to April, from April to May. The warm sun stayed longer, and the green was returning. The world seemed to return to its beautiful self, and Dejun wondered if he could do it too. All he had to do, was forget about Guanheng. It was tough, and Dejun had to try. He owed his family and friends.

One day in early May, he decided to go back to Guangzhou. He wanted to go back to the studio and see if anything had changed, and if he had changed. He wanted to know how it would feel like to go to the place he had spent most of happiest moments with Guanheng, and the place he had spent his darkest moments without him. All of his friends were there. They waited for him to go back for months, and it was only now he felt ready to go back.

“Hello guys,” he smiled. “Dejun!” Chittaphon and Sicheng came to him and hugged him. It wasn’t his first time seeing them since the day at the hospital, the five of them would sometimes take him out to dinner or other activities outside the studio, because Dejun didn’t feel ready going back. Being back there was tough, he could feel Guanheng’s presence, but he could also feel his absence. It was the feelings of the past that haunted him, his memories of the bad and the good. All of it was left in this place.

He took a deep breath, trying to ignore his thoughts. “Are you okay?” Sicheng asked.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” he said and went further in. “So, shall we dance?” Sicheng and Chittaphon, who were the best dancers among them, were more than glad to help Dejun start dancing again. Sicheng, who had trained in traditional dance, ballet, and contemporary dance, knew how the body worked and could help him the best to start dancing without hurting his body.

“Before we start, me and Sicheng have something to show you.”

“Okay, what is it?”

“It’s a dance. We choreographed it together. You know how authors sometimes write a name of the person at the beginning of the book that it’s dedicated for, right? Well, this dance is dedicated for you,” Sicheng gestured at Dejun with his arms. Dejun immediately smiled, “For me?”

“Yes, we just wanted to do something for you.”

While Kun, Yangyang and Xuxi went to another room, Dejun went to the dance floor and sat himself down by the wall. He felt excited and touched, it was the first time his friends had made something like this for him. Yes, he had gotten surprise parties for his birthdays through the years, he had received many gifts but none like this. Never in the form of a dance.

He sat with crossed legs and waited for them to start. Chittaphon put one the song, which started to play in from the speakers in the corners of the room. It was ‘Lovely’.

Dejun watched as they went into position, then they started to dance. It was slow at first, they mirrored each other, but then they didn’t. Into the chorus they picked up the pace, the dance got more intense, and it seemed like Sicheng was leading the dance, he was dominant. As Dejun was watching, he felt like he was watching a fight between two people where one of them was clearly dominant and had the upper hand. But the fight was graceful wan executed with beauty instead. It was breathtaking, and he hadn’t witnessed something like it ever. It was short though, after the song ended, Sicheng and Chittaphon fell on the floor and breathed heavily. Dejun clapped and gave the two a big applaud.

“That was great,” he said, “It was really beautiful.”

“Thank you, good that you liked it,” Chittaphon said, “Sicheng, do you want to tell him what it’s about.”

“Yeah sure,” Sicheng turned to Dejun. “How did you interpret this dance?”

“Um, I thought it was a fight, and it was beautiful. Like a fight that…won’t ever come to an end.”

“Oh, good! A fight that will never end, that was kind of accurate. But what we wanted to tell you through this dance is a story about good and bad. We know you’re not living the best life right now, and you went through some hardships, and you still kind of are. We want you to know that it’s not all bad. There are good things too, and one day when you’re finally happy again, you’ll come to appreciate both things the god and the bad.”

“And no matter what, we are here for you, all of us,” Chittaphon added. Dejun looked down, he was embarrassed and couldn’t look in their eyes. He was touched by his friends, whom he loved so much. “Thank you,” he said, and without realizing, his eyes started to tear up, and they streamed down. Chittaphon and Sicheng quickly sat themselves beside him on each side. Chittaphon put his arm around him.

Dejun was thankful for having them, but he felt like Guanheng was missing out, that they were just betraying him. That thought never left him.

“Do you think he’ll ever be back?” None of them said a word for a few seconds. Then Chittaphon said, “I think he will, but I can’t guarantee anything. Maybe I think he will because I want him to, I miss him. I miss him a lot, and I don’t want to lose him either, but here we are without him, and I’m just trying to be positive.”

“Can you give me little of that?” Dejun asked. Chittaphon laughed, “Of course my little dragon, here.” He scratched himself and then pretended to pour something on Dejun’s head, he made sound effects like “sshhhhh” to add more feeling in it. Dejun laughed, and Sicheng joined in and pretended to hit him with a bat of happiness.

The three of them sat there together and laughed, and Dejun enjoyed it. He needed it; it had been far too long since he could goof around like they used to. “Thanks guys, you know I love you. I’m still sorry for those months of just being a jerk.”

“Hey, we said it’s fine. We forgave you, so just stop mentioning it,” Sicheng said.

“Yeah, you’re right. Do you want to know something?” He asked.

“What?”

“I feel like...I don’t love Guanheng anymore. I’m not sure if I do. Those months after he left, all I wanted was for him to come back, but it only brought me pain. But now…I don’t feel anything. I just feel empty. Neither sad nor happy. But I think I’m on my way of getting happy, I think it’ll be easy with your help.” Chittaphon smiled at him, “I’m really glad to hear that, do you know that? It feels good to finally have you back.”

“Yeah, we all think so,” Sicheng said. After that, they helped Dejun train his body again, with basics and easy moves. It went well because Dejun was in a good mood. Dejun slowly felt like he could live again, he had missed dancing, and finally doing it felt like he was being freed from the darkness.

A few days after that, he decided to start singing again. Kun decided to help him with that. They met at the studio again, and they sat in the music room, where he had spent most of his dark times and good times with Guanheng. He felt like he was at his own grave, where his soul had died.

He took a deep breath, the memories started to come back to him. Guanheng’s voice, that he could still hear as if he heard it only a second ago, and the taste of alcohol, that had led him to his downfall. He shuddered and shook his head.

“Are you alright?” Kun asked.

“Yeah, I’m alright. It just, I spent most of my time here when I was an addict. And it just came back to me,” he said.

“You don’t have to do this, you know.”

“I know, but I want to.” Dejun sat down by the table and Kun went to one of the keyboards.

“Have you tried singing ever since the hospital release?”

“No,” he said as he shook his head.

“Okay, well just so you know, I’m not a vocal teacher, so it’s not going to be easy.” Dejun nodded, he was ready to do anything to get his voice back. When he started drinking, his singing had slowly gotten worse, and his voice got dried out. He could no longer hit high notes, and he only ruined it more by overworking his voice and drinking more. He sighed, becoming an addict was such a stupid mistake, he thought.

“Hey, don’t think about it,” Kun told him. He nodded with a slight smile, not thinking about it was not easy. But he knew Kun meant well, and it was about time he actually did.

They started off with some exercise for warming up the vocal chords. He sang ‘do re mi fa so la ti’ a few times and then did it backwards. It went not as smooth as Dejun wanted it to, but he it went as expected. He struggled with even reaching a clean 6C. He worked on it and managed to sing it good enough.

After warming up they sang some easy songs with not so wide range of notes. Kun made him sing ‘Read Bean’, Can’t Learn’, ’Special Love for Special You’ and different Jay Chou songs including ‘Love Confession’. Kun comforted him with saying that despite not singing it all perfectly and hitting all the notes, it was okay. That if he continued to practice, he would go back to his state he was before, and maybe even better.

Dejun was pessimistic, but he hoped Kun was right. He appreciated Kun’s help, he felt like being happy was maybe, just maybe, actually possible.

After some weeks, his singing voice was nearly back to normal. He kept singing and dancing with his friends and spending time with his family. He could smile again, and even laugh.

But at the back of his head, he always thought that everything would be better with Guanheng. Or at least, knowing where he was, or if he was still alive. Living without him was becoming easier, but the fact that he didn’t know was unbearable, but he also managed to hide his worries through the smiles he had learned to put on. And he wanted to believe that he was truly happy.

It was already summer, and but it wasn’t as warm it was two years ago or even last year. It had slowly been getting colder through the years, so cold that it even snowed and it was not usual since the south was always warm.

One summer’s day, Xuxi took him to the gym, Yangyang and Kun was with them as well, who ran off to other things, most of the time Kun commented on how Yangyang was annoying and irritated the public, when in fact Yangyang was just being funny and teasing Kun.

Dejun’s body was getting healthier, his voice was getting better, and his relationship with his friends and family were normal again. They began with running fifteen minutes on the treadmill and after that, Xuxi taught him how to use the machines.

Working out, not only dancing, was good for the health, but he also wanted to look good. He was scrawny and he wanted more muscles to ‘look more like a man’. So Xuxi decided to help him with that. Xuxi helped him count the reps on the machines. He started off easy, with only reps in ten and the weights were not so heavy either.

Dejun enjoyed working out, it got things off his mind, and he felt strong. Xuxi often complimented him, praising for even the slightest thing. And of course, Dejun liked it. He didn’t have anything against his friends making him feel better. Xuxi was the happiest, and sometimes, Dejun wondered why. He was as close to Guanheng as Dejun, maybe he was just extremely good at hiding it, and instead wanted to make Dejun feel better, and it worked. But Dejun wanted to see his vulnerable side for once and let him know that he wasn’t alone instead of always being a happy virus. Dejun appreciated him the most for that.

“Yukhei, how are you so happy?” He asked him in the changing room. “You know, I haven’t seen you…cry over Kunhang once. And it makes me wonder how you’re just so happy. You were the closest to him. How do you stay happy?” Xuxi pressed his lips and looked away, it was visible that it was a tough subject to talk about.

“I’m sorry Yukhei. You don’t have to talk about it, and not when we’re here,” he said and looked around to see if anyone was listening.

Xuxi sat himself next Dejun, “Look. I’m not always happy. I let myself cry when I’m alone. But I don’t want people to see my vulnerable side, because if you did, how would you rely on me? I need to be strong for you.” Xuxi pushed him lightly, “See, if I’m vulnerable I’m not reliable. I need to be your big brother and take care of you, so I need to be happy and spread happiness.”

Dejun understood what he meant. “But it’s not your responsibility to make me happy, right? It’s not fair.”

Xuxi sighed, “I, I know. But it’s just that…I love you. And I don’t want you to be sad.”

Dejun laughed, he was slightly embarrassed, he knew that being affectionate was not something unusual for Yukhei but saying ‘I love you’ in a public changing room was a little too much.

“Thanks. You know I love you too. But take a break now, I’m good now. You don’t have to worry about me, I think we should start worrying about Kunhang instead.”

“Why?”

Dejun furrowed his eyebrows. “Are you serious? He’s been gone for how long? Eleven months? Almost a year! We know nothing about his whereabout, or how he is. He might even be dead!”

“Yes, I guess you’re right,” Xuxi looked away, Dejun wondered why. But he figured it was because he had said some harsh words and made him sad with his pessimism.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to kill your spirit like that.”

Xuxi shook his head, “No. It’s alright, I promise. You’re right, it’s just that I have hope. And I don’t want to lose it.”

Dejun nodded, maybe he could learn from him. “But how can you be so hopeful, where do you base your hope on?”

Xuxi thought for a while before answering, he hesitated a little bit but then said, “I know that we were true friends. And he would never leave us. So I believe that he will come back, no matter how long it has been. And I don’t want to believe that he’s dead.”

Dejun hummed, he finally understood why people could be happy, Xuxi was a good example of hos the mindset of a happy person was.

Not knowing about Guanheng wasn’t disturbing him anymore, he had come at peace in a sense, the nightmares stopped, and the Guanheng’s ghost had gotten silent, and he was slowly fading away. Thinking about Guanheng didn’t bring him pain or sadness anymore, and out of his memories of him, only the happy ones remained. Dejun could smile again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I realizw now that things have been going really fast. In the story I mean. But a lot of things are going to happen!! So be ready!! Thank you for making it to the end. I appreciate it a lot, I've written it a lot of times. Because I mean it. Please leave kudos and a comment, please!! Thank your for reading. :D <3 <3 <3


	8. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dejun continues with his life, but after some months, things change drastically. He decided he needs to leave too, and search for Guanheng.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! Thank you for continuing reading! 
> 
> Just so you know, I might change the title of this work. Living dead doesn't sound so good to me but it was the best I could come up with.
> 
> This chapter is the end of part 2! So after this, things are going to change a lot. XD 
> 
> Have fun! This is a pretty nice chapter to be honest. A lot of fluff. But then...

Dejun was indeed becoming happier for each day that passed, it was nice finally feeling like life was getting right.

August was coming and he managed to get his job back, the kids all loved that he was back, and the welcomed him with happy screams and hugs. It wasn’t easy getting his job back though, he had to explain that he was an addict and why he had become one, and he had to guarantee that something like that was never going to happen again. If it were to happen, he would lose his job in an instant. But the other teacher who he assisted, helped him. She knew Dejun’s relation with the kids and that he was good with them. She convinced the principle to reconsider him. Thanks to her, he got her job back and he felt like he was finally back in society.

Being there for the kids and help them with their music tasks made him feel like he wasn’t useless or worthless. Working with kids was similar to being with his niece, he had to take care of them and be gentle. Something he still wasn’t with himself.

On his birthday, his family had invited all his friends for dinner without telling him. Yangyang had forced him to go his apartment. He told Dejun that he needed help soundproofing his apartment. Apparently, he was too loud and his neighbors had complained, and complained to the landlord as well, which resulted in Yangyang having keep the volume down, or else he would be kicked out.

So, that day, the eighth of August, Yangyang took him to his own home saying that he needed help. But when they were there, he did all the work alone. “I can do it by myself,” Yangyang said.

“Then why am I here?” Dejun asked bitterly.

“It’s your birthday, you should be with your best friend. But I don’t want you to work. You’ll probably do it wrong, and besides, it’s your birthday.”

“So is it good or bad? And hey, I have several best friends.”

“Yeah, but I’m _the_ best. So deal with it.”

Dejun sighed, “I’m going to ask where the others are, and I’ll probably go to them when they answer.” Dejun texted the in the group chat, but no one answered. He waited for roughly half an hour, and there was still no reply. It started to get under his nerves, “I swear, what the fuck is wrong with them? They are four people and no one answers. Why are everyone acting like Guanheng all of a sudden?”

Yangyang stopped doing whatever he was doing, “Why are you saying that?”

“Well, because it’s true, maybe? No one is answering. They are pulling a Guanheng, stupid shit.”

“Don’t think like that,” Yangyang said.

Dejun took a minute before he said something back, “Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry. But still, they should answer. It’s my birthday, what can they be up to?” He said grumpily.

Yangyang sighed, “Okay, don’t let anyone know I told you, but I’m just distracting you from going home.”

Dejun furrowed his eyebrows, “Why? Is there something going on over there?” And Dejun began to sense what was going on. It was his birthday after all, of course there is something made for him.

“Look, they are not ignoring you, they just can’t tell you where they are.”

“So they are going to Dongguan? And since I get off work the earliest you need to distract me to give them time? Oh my god that’s hilarious.”

“Hey, you idiot, don’t say anything, and pretend that you don’t know anything. I only told you so you wouldn’t feel sad.”

Dejun frowned, “Yeah. Sad. I’m not sad,” he said and looked down. Maybe it was a lie, but it was a convincing lie that even made himself unsure of whether it was true or not. He sighed, feeling too restless and bored, “Do you need help? I don’t want to just stand here and do nothing.”

“Alright, come here and help put this up.”

After about an hour, they finished, and Dejun could finally go home to where all his people he loved were, minus one.

They took the fast train to Dongguan and then the bus home to Dejun, it was silent most of the time, and Dejun wondered why Yangyang was so quiet, it was not normal for Yangyang to be so quiet, and it sure didn’t fit the view of his neighbors that had wanted him to keep quiet.

“Hey, why are you so quiet?”

“Nothing, just thinking about Guanheng.”

Dejun's mood sank. “What about him?”

“It’s just…I miss him. And I’m starting to think he’s never coming back.”

Dejun scoffed, “You’re saying he’s never coming back while Xuxi is saying the opposite,” he shook his head in despair. “He’s very optimistic, and I think I’ve learned to be optimistic as well, so please don’t say that.”

“I’m sorry,” Yangyang said. “Okay, it’s your birthday, we should cheer up.”

“Yeah. So what are they planning to do?”

“I don’t know, it was your parents that invited us. I know just as much as you do.”

“If it’s my parents then they’re not going to do anything big, just a dinner.”

When they got to Dejun’s home, Yangyang stopped him from opening the door. “Wait, I need to tell them you’re here first.” With his phone in his hand, he texted the people that they were outside. After a minute or so, he said Dejun could open the door.

“Oh my god, it’s my house. Why am I even listening to you?” Yangyang laughed as Dejun unlocked the door. They went inside and were encountered with a bunch of people who shouted, “Happy birthday Xiao Dejun!” He was 23 years old now. As he walked inside and changed from shoes to slippers, he could also feel the smell of fresh food.

“Wah!” All of his best friends were there together with his family, his parents and his brother and sister in law. His mom came and hugged him, “Happy birthday my baby boy.”

“Thank you.” He received a kiss on the cheek.

The rest of the night was all good, nothing special happened. They had hot pot for dinner and were eating and talking for hours. His family had prepared five kilos of meat for them and of course some chili paste, making it all spicy. After a short break, they had birthday cake and sang for him. The green cake that Dejun loved so much was baked by his own mother, and it was unique and tasted like home. And they ate it as he opened his birthday gifts. 

Being there with his parents and friends made him feel like a child again. The small decorations contributed to the childish feel. What made it more adult like was the red wine. Since it was Tuesday, they didn't drink much. And it wouldn’t be good for Dejun’s rehab to drink much nor having beer around. His mother checked in on him to see if he was alright with the wine, he was. He managed to drink a healthy amount of it. He was happy, and he felt like it would last forever. But it didn’t.

It was closing in on Guanheng’s birthday, it would soon be a year since Guanheng vanished. So much had happened since then, and the time he was still with Guanheng, felt like lifetimes ago.

Without telling his friends, he went to visit Guanheng’s old home, the one that once was both of their homes, then later had become the home for Dejun’s suffering. It was now abandoned. He sighed before opening the door, then after a few moments, which he needed, he went inside. It was exactly how he had left it. The shoes on the hall, the jackets hanging over them. The pillows on the couch, the curtains from the windows. The dishes in the kitchen still waited to be cleaned and the bed was still not made.

Guanheng’s 23rd birthday was tomorrow, it was exactly one year ago he vanished, and coming back here only reopened his scar. He felt his heart beating, his legs trembled as he walked further in. The feeling inside was like a walking inside a ghost, it was cold and untouched. There was no life, and he was beginning to feel like the past was pulling him back. He crouched down and hugged his legs before he would fall down. He closed his eyes, and he tried hard to keep the tears from falling. But he couldn’t, soon enough his cheeks were drowned in salty water.

“Wong Kunhang, where the hell are you?” He whispered softly, he felt pathetic crying on the floor. He wiped away some tears from streaming down and sniffled. He shook his head and got up. He knew that no matter what, he still had to keep his head up.

He went to the kitchen to wash the dishes. After that, he opened the windows and took the vacuum cleaner out and started to vacuum clean. The apartment needed some air, and he got rid of the dust from every corner because he was sick of the place looking so rundown and bleak. He put things back in their rightful place. When he made the bed, he tried hard not to lie down and try to smell the last of Guanheng’s scent, that probably had faded away through the year. He also folded some clothes that needed to be, which he also tried hard not to hug, smell and cry.

After an hour or so, he was done. He closed the windows and looked around. Proud of himself, he left. But he felt like something else had to be done. He took another look at the place, and then decided what he needed to do.

He went to the nearest store and got some incense and incense burner. It was decorated neatly, something Guanheng would like.

He went back and placed the incense burner on the table, then lit some incense. He sighed. From now on he was going to treat this place as Guanheng’s funeral, or a memorial. He prayed, that no matter where Guanheng was, Guanheng’s was okay. If he was in the world of the living or dead. He prayed that Guanheng was okay. From now on, Guanheng was dead, and he decided that he shouldn’t wait for him.

It was the opposite of what Xuxi was thinking, but he knew that if he was like Xuxi, to always hopeful of him coming back, he was never going to be happy. How could he be happy, if he knew that there was a chance of finding him, but he didn’t do anything to get him back? If Guanheng was dead, he didn’t have to think much, except for praying that he was alright, and not alone. And if it turned out that Guanheng was alive, and if he ever came back, Dejun wouldn’t know what to do. He would be happy of course, but he would be furious. So many complications would erupt if he really were alive.

He wasn’t hoping that he was dead, but thinking about Guanheng being alive blocked him from truly being happy. Believing that Guanheng was dead didn’t bring him any happiness either, but it gave him a chance to move on. He decided that he would come back once in a while, vacuum clean, and burn some incense. He kissed the wall and said goodbye.

Dejun had been away from all Rainbow V activities during rehab, it was two weeks after his birthday, he decided to work for Rainbow V again. He participated in the group dance covers, and it was fun to dance with his friends again, not only to dance with them, but to be in the videos up on the internet again. 

It was already late January, and life was going fast forward. It was only now he decided to post an own video. A video of him singing. He wanted to sing a song dedicated to Guanheng.

He was waiting for Kun to help him set up, and as usual, he arrived before. He texted and asked when he was coming, ‘I’m sorry, I’m stuck in traffic, it’s going to take a while.’ Kun texted. Dejun was disappointed, starting to post singing videos was one thing he knew he was looking forward to. No one else was in the studio, so he decided to leave and go up on the rooftop.

He took the stairs up to the top, and out to the roof. The cold sent him shivers down his spine. The last time he was on a rooftop was with Guanheng two years ago, when they celebrated Lunar’s New Year with his family back in Dongguan. Lunar’s New Year was early this year, leaving February free. He looked up at the sky, it was clear from clouds, but it wasn’t the pretty blue that could seen from other places in the world.

He closed his eyes, and let the wind slightly push him. He walked closer to the ledge, he looked down, it was pretty high up. But not high enough to not be able to see the peoples faces. It was a busy street and he observed the people, there were all kinds of people. Friends walking with friend, families taking out their children, couples dating. There were old people, middle aged people, young adults and teenagers and kids. It was a busy street and a busy life.

Dejun climbed up and sat down on the ledge. He looked in front of him, to the horizon. It reached miles and miles, and he wondered if Guanheng was alive, if he was somewhere within his view.

Without noticing a single tear escaped from his eye, “Fuck,” he said and wiped the following tears. “It’s been more than a year and you’re still crying?” He chuckled softly at himself. He swayed his legs, they dangled from the edge. He thought about Guanheng, he couldn’t help it. He had tried to move on, but it wasn’t easy. He still wore the bracelet he had gotten from him on his 21st birthday. He played with it, he wondered why he was still wearing it. He had tried taking it off, but it felt empty without it. He also felt like he was really giving up on Guanheng.

He knew people who lost their loved ones often wore some jewelry to remember them and honor them. The bracelet was his, but it made him wonder if it only made it harder to move on. He took it off, but then shook his head and put it back on. It felt wrong, he felt like he was betraying him. He placed his head in his hands. He though about the first spring and summer they spent together as a couple.

Where they went to do all kinds of things. He remembered the time they went to the museum, and the time at the waterpark with the rest of their friends. He remembered how difficult it was at the beginning. Guanheng barely acted as a boyfriend. He didn't want physical touches until Dejun made him accept it. Was that why he left? Did Dejun push too much? Did Guanheng really want this relationship? He never wanted to show affection in public, was he too ashamed? Was he ashamed of being with Dejun? Was that why he left?

He hit his head with clenched fists, "No, no, no. You're overthinking, Zeon. Stop it."

He thought about the promises they made. Dejun made Guanheng keep some promises, to never lie and to always call him back. Was he too possessive? Did he demand too much from Guanheng? Was that why he left? Did he scare him off? 

"Stop it. No!"

Was the relationship one sided?

"Fuck!" He cried out.

No, Guanheng clearly told him he loved him. Before he disappeared, he made sure of telling Dejun how much he loved him. He said he was the best boyfriend he could ever have. He had the bracelet to prove that Guanheng loved him. And he gave him a key to his home. He calmed down, Guanheng did truly love him, so why, _why_ would he leave?

All this time, he had thought that he was happy, that he had moved on, but that wasn’t true. He had been confused all these times whether he still loved Guanheng or not, one thing he knew for sure, was that he missed him, and that he wanted to do everything to find him, to get him back. To see him again.

He stood up on the ledge and closed his eyes, took a deep breath. The sturdy wind blew him, and he could feel that if he didn’t keep his balance steady on his own, he would have fallen. He opened his eyes and looked down. Would he see Guanheng if he jumped? Would he meet Guanheng if he just let himself fall? He relaxed his own body as he exhaled. Always with Guanheng on his mind. Would he see him if he let the wind pull him down?

And then, he lost balance, but he didn’t panic. He could feel his adrenaline rush, as all around him was air and only his heels touching the solid edge of the building. He closed his eyes, he felt free.

“Dejun!” He heard someone call out. Was that Guanheng?

“Dejun!” No, it was someone else.

He felt a strong hand tug on his leg. Then a hand that took hold on his arm. “Siu Dakzeon!” He opened his eyes, the one grabbing him was Xuxi. He gasped, finally realizing what was happening. The one shouting was Kun, who was now helping Xuxi pull Dejun back down. Dejun breathed heavily, only now panicking. His friends who were holding onto him were panting as well.

“What the hell were you doing?” Kun exclaimed in between his breaths.

“I-I, I wasn’t doing anything.”

“Not doing anything? Then what the hell was that?! You almost fell! You almost died!”

Dejun turned around to look at the street below. “Holy shit,” he said.

“Yeah, no shit. Holy shit indeed,” Xuxi said.

Dejun was disappointed, “What the hell did you do that for?”

“Do what? Save you?” Kun asked furiously.

“Yeah! Why the fuck did you do that for?”

“You could’ve died you idiot!”

“It’s my life! I can do whatever I want.” Dejun said and walked away. But Kun grabbed his shoulder. “Dejun, I thought everything was fine. What’s going on?”

“Nothing! I’m fine,” he said and jerked Kun’s hand off. He took a few steps away from them. He put his hands on the ledge again and looked down.

"Don't-"

"Realx, I'm not gonna jump." He reflected on what just had happened. He would have died if Kun and Xuxi hadn't come to his rescue, yes. But that wasn't what shocked him. His reaction to it was so minimal, did he really have death wish?

Then heard Xuxi say something. “Maybe we should tell him.” He froze. His hands clawed on the cement.

Dejun turned his head to the two. “What did you say, Xuxi? Tell him who? Tell me? Tell me what?”

Xuxi panicked. “Uhm, uh, wait! Just let me-”.

“Let you what!??”

Xuxi hesitated, “I don't know.”

“Don't know if you should tell me or? Because you clearly have something to tell me.” Xuxi inhaled, Dejun could see that there was a whole debate going on inside his head.

“You better start talking, is this about Guanheng?”

Xuxi pressed his lips. “I'm so sorry.”

“Sorry for what!? Kun, do you know what he's talking about? Do you know what Xuxi knows?”

“I don't think it's my place to say,” Kun said.

“So you do know? It’s something about Guanheng, right?” Dejun’s voice was no longer demanding, but rather pleading. “If there is something you know, please tell me,” he begged.

He looked at his two friends who were saying silent. “I can’t go on like this. Everyday I wake up and think that it might be today Guanheng comes back. But then I remind myself that he’s dead. Which I’m not even sure of is true. But it’s easier to believe he’s dead because I might have a chance to move on then. But I’ve tried and nothing works. It feels like I’m cheating on him if I do. Sometimes I don’t even know if I still love him. But the thought of being with someone else just feels so wrong. I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore. So if you know something, please. Tell me.” 

“I-“ Xuxi whined, “He asked me not to tell you.”

“Not tell me. So you do know. Yukhei, help me. What did he say?”

He was shifting his stance, Dejun could tell he was uncomfortable. “Yukhei, when was this? When did he tell you?” “He- okay I’ll tell you. He told me that he was leaving for Macau.”

“Leaving for Macau?” Dejun repeated the words. “Leaving for Macau? What the hell. Does this mean he’s been there all these times? And you knew? Yukhei, did you know the moment he left?” Dejun spat out.

Xuxi panicked again, he looked at Kun, and then back at Dejun. He threw his hands above his head.

“Yukhei, answer me!” Dejun grabbed Xuxi’s collar. He already knew the answer. “You knew all these times and you didn’t care to tell me? Are you out of your mind?” Dejun pushed him, “I was looking for him and you knew all along where he was?”

“I’m sorry! But he told me it was serious, and that I couldn’t tell you, no matter what. I asked him but he didn’t say anything!”

Dejun couldn't believe it, it was pissing off, it was infuriating, he just couldn’t believe it. “So he told you and not me. What the fuck.” Dejun pushed Xuxi aggressively, “Why did he tell you and not me?”

“Calm down,” Xuxi said. "Please."

“No, I’m not going to calm down, not until you tell me everything.”

“There is nothing to tell you. All I know is, is that he’s in Macau.”

Dejun shook his head, his tightened his knuckles, he was about to burst. He felt betrayed, betrayed by Xuxi. “You knew and you didn’t care to tell me. You could’ve told me!” He shouted, and he punched Xuxi, tried at least. “Why!? Why did he choose to tell you and not me?” He tried to his Xuxi again, but Xuxi caught his wrists, and he was much stronger than Dejun. “Why did he let you know? Why did he have mercy on you? That explains why you were never sad. And why you were so optimistic about him coming back. You’ve lived so carelessly, without any worries. While I’ve been drinking my life and you watched me ruin myself. You could’ve stopped it!” Dejun shouted, he was breaking into tears, he stopped struggling to fight him, and fell instead.

“I wanted to! There were so many times I wanted to, but I couldn’t.”

“Why? You could’ve told me when I was in the hospital, you could’ve told me when I asked you how you could be so hopeful. Or you could’ve told me everytime we were together. You idiot! Why didn’t you!?”

“I’m sorry! But Kunhang trusts me, I promised I wouldn’t tell you.”

“Trust you? I thought he trusted me too. Fucking promises, I made promises with him too, and he broke them! Promises are for losers! I’m not asking for your pity, but did you ever consider how my life would be easier if I just knew? I feel so neglected. You cared more about your promise to him than my well-being. I see how it is. And he told you instead of me. You fucking Wong brothers chose each other over of me,” Dejun's last words stunned Xuxi, he was close to crying but held it in.

But Dejun didn’t care, he felt like Guanheng had stabbed him in the back, and Xuxi was only twisting the dagger, making it feel worse. “Did you know?” Dejun asked Kun, but since he and Xuxi had been shouting in Cantonese, he could not follow what was going on. “Did Xuxi tell you about Guanheng?” Kun hesitated, and Dejun new immediately that he did know. Dejun shook his head and left.

Kun shouted behind him, “Dejun!” But he ignored him and went back to the studio, where he found Chittaphon, Sicheng and Yangyang.

They all looked at him as he stormed in angrily. “Who else know?”

“Know what? What happened?” Yangyang asked.

“Xuxi has known where Guanheng has been since the moment he left. Did anyone of you know?” Dejun knew that if he asked that, and it turned out that they didn’t know, he’d only hurt himself more. But he also knew that he would sooner or later find out if they had known all along. So it was better to ask them himself. Sicheng and Chittaphon exchanged looks, but Yangyang was as clueless as Dejun, and that med him feel relieved. That not only him had been kept in the dark.

“Out with it,” Dejun said. Chittaphon and Sicheng only stared at him blankly. “I already know that Xuxi knows, Kun knows it too. Do you know?”

Chittaphon sighed, “Look, we don’t know a thing, except the fact that Xuxi knows where he is. And he told us to pretend that we didn’t know anything and that it was serious. He convinced us not to tell you and argued that if it wasn’t extremely serious that he couldn’t tell you, then we shouldn’t know either.”

Dejun shook his head, “But you knew. Am I the only one who doesn’t know?”

All eyes turned to Yangyang. “I didn’t know a thing either, not until now. Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked them.

“Because Xuxi asked us to pretend that we didn’t know, we didn’t know if you were pretending to not know or not. He could’ve told you the same thing.”

“Ah,” Yangyang said and nodded.

But Dejun felt like an idiot, a pathetic idiot. “Why did you not tell me?” Dejun asked.

“Xuxi had some good arguments, and also, all we knew was that he knew. He wouldn’t tell us anything else.”

“How did you even find out?”

“We overheard him talking with Kun. They had a pretty heated discussion. Then we confronted him and only got to know that we can’t ever tell you what we know.”

“Well, he’s in Macau with his family. I’m going to go there and look for him.” His friends looked at him blindly.

Then the door behind him opened and Kun and Xuxi came. “Oh here comes the betrayers,” Dejun said. “I’m going to Macau, any of you want to come with me?”

“You can’t go!” Xuxi exclaimed.

“I can and I will! You are in no position to tell me what to do.”

“Dejun, you need to think this through, you don’t know what he’s going through!” Chittaphon said.

“And that’s exactly why I’m going! I need to find out. For the first time in a very long time, I see things clearly now. I see Guanheng in Macau, and I’m going there to get some answers. And there is nothing you can say that’ll make me rethink.”

“You don’t even know where he lives.” Sicheng pointed out.

“Well, I’ll just look for him. Macau isn’t even big. I’m going to look for him, and it’ll be easier if I have your help. Don’t you want to see him?”

“Of course but. Now that we know where is, we better just wait for him to go back. He did say he will come back. He’s not dead, that’s clear now.”

“Well I don’t want to wait anymore. Does he just expect me to wait for him even after five years? I mean when was the last time any of you spoke to him? Is he answering any of your calls or texts? I don’t think so. I’m going whether you like it or not.”

His friends fell speechless. There was nothing they could say that would make Dejun change his mind, and none of them wanted to support his decision.

“The last time I spoke to him was the day before he vanished,” Yangyang then said.

“That's why I’m going.”

“You’re not going to do anything stupid, right?” Kun asked.

“Relax, no. I’m not going to kill myself,” he rolled his eyes and left. Just like how he did when he was an addict and depressed.

Dejun went back to Guanheng’s old apartment. He didn’t look at it the same way anymore. He looked at the bed, and pictured himself on there sleeping, he pictured Guanheng waking up without him noticing and leave, after leaving only a note that Dejun had only found after a whole day of looking for him. He pictured Guanheng leaving the apartment and lock the door.

Dejun felt hysterical, he wanted to laugh, laugh at himself, but he wanted to cry too. He wanted to scream out of the pain, the so unnecessary pain he had been through. He clenched his fists and bit his lip. His breathing started to get unstable. “Wong Kunhang!” He shouted. “Why did you leave me!? Why did you not tell me anything!?” He fell on his knees.

Ever since he cleaned this place and decided to keep it clean, he had returned a few times a month to vacuum clean, let some air in and burned incense. He had taken care of the place as if it was Guanheng's last remians Now he realized that it was all for nothing, that Guanheng maybe didn’t deserve it.

He took a deep breath that could’ve been a low growl. Guanheng had hurt him, hurt him a lot. He felt like Guanheng didn’t trust him, which he took as an insult. He felt like Guanheng didn’t care about him, he felt worthless. “Kunhang, what am I to you? What do you take me for?” He asked the empty home. He wanted to vent out his anger, the place that he once had taken care of and loved was a prefect victim for the anger he was feeling. But he knew that he would regret it, that the anger he was feeling was only a façade for his true feeling.

He was heartbroken. What the hell did he do that Guanheng decided not to tell him? That he had to tell Xuxi instead. He couldn’t understand what was happening, or what had happened. He cried. His sobs were low and quiet, all he felt was loneliness. 

He heard a knock on the door, he ignored it a few times, hoping the person would go away. But the knocking kept going he opened it and a girl stood there. It was Guanheng’s neighbor who he had seen a few times when he came over.

“Can I help you?” Dejun asked angrily.

The girl was surprised and uncomfortable, he could tell. "Uhm, yes,” she stuttered, “You are Huang Guanheng’s friend, right?” She already knew who he was, but they never had a real introduction.

“Yes, what about it?”

“Nothing, just, uhm. Do you know where he is?”

Dejun scoffed, “Yes, I actually do know where he is. And I can’t really believe it myself. But he’s with his family in Macau. Can you believe that!? He's been in Macau with his family all this time! And he didn't tell me!" Dejun poured out. He crossed his arms. He was too angry to think straight. Then he realized the girl was still there, "Why are you wondering?”

“He was here a while ago, he wanted me to make sure that no one was here to see him.”

Dejun agitated, “What did you say?”

“I said that he was here a while ago and-“

“When?” He grabbed her shoulders, making her even more uncomfortable as his grip was hard.

He shook her, “Tell me, when was he here?”

“He- it was a few months ago, around fall.” Dejun couldn’t believe it, what did he do back here? And how couldn’t he notice he was back? He let go of the girl. His eyes sank.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“What?”

“You two, you were more than friends, right?” Dejun shot her a look. She quickly explained herself. “I mean nothing wrong, it’s just. The walls are not soundproof.”

“Oh,” now Dejun’s cheeks turned red, embarrassed that the girl standing in front of him had heard him and Guanheng fooling around before they even had a formal introduction. “Sorry about that...But do you know why he was here? Do you know what he did?”

“No, he just asked me for a favor to let him know if someone was here.” Dejun understood, Xuxi must’ve told Guanheng that he had been coming back. Dejun didn’t know what to feel about Xuxi and Guanheng, they’ve had contact but kept Dejun in the dark. Was he jealous of Xuxi? Probably. “I don’t know if this will mean anything or not. But he seemed very…miserable.”

“Miserable how?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know him so well, but I’m pretty sure he was frustrated, but I don’t know if that made him sad or angry.”

Dejun nodded slowly, what could Guanheng possibly be frustrated over? That he left? That he had hurt Dejun? “Then why are you here? Why did you knock on the door?” “I heard you shouting. Had to see who it was.”

The second he got back home at his parents, he pulled out a suitcase and started packing. “Where are you going?” His mother asked.

“Macau.” He didn’t know what he was doing. What was he going to pack? Underwear and socks. Then some hoodies. And another pair of jeans. It was a small suitcase, but he figured he didn’t need to pack so much. He didn’t how long he was going to be away, but he estimated more than two a week. Finding Guanheng wasn’t going to take long, right? He packed the most important thing, his notebook and he also had to bring with him his guitar.

“Mom, dad. I’m going to Macau for a while. Turns out Kunhang has been there all these times,” Dejun told them with a heavy heart. He didn’t even look them in the eye.

“Really? Do you know why?” Dejun shook his head. “How will you find him?”

“Easy, I’ll knock on every door until it’s him who opens,” he joked. Even though that was the best idea he had, and close to what he really had in mind.

“Son, do you need us?”

“No, I’ll be fine. I’ll be back once I find him. I don’t know what’s going to happen if I really do find him, I know there are some complicated things. But I’m going to find answers. If I don’t find him before Mars, then I’ll be back.”

“Take care of yourself,” his mother said. “Just call us if you want us to pick you home, alright?”

Dejun nodded, “Yes. I’ll do that,” he smiled, as they hugged him. Before leaving, he turned to say goodbye. “Thank you for letting me go. I love you, you know that, right?”

There was not direct train from Dongguan to Macau, so he had to transfer several times through Guangzhou and Zhongshan and finally to Macau. It took approximately three hours for the trip, and he spend all of the time thinking about how to find Guanheng. Luckily, Macau wasn’t big. He also knew Guanheng grew up by the water, it was probably the sea or some lakes, which narrowed down the whole list of where he could be.

He fought the tears from coming down, the fact the Guanheng told Xuxi but not him still stung. He considered his pride and value gone. He felt like an idiot for going all the way to Macau to find him, but he needed to know. And for once, he felt like he was hopeful, really hopeful. Hope was all he had now. And he still wore the bracelet. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUN. Did you expect this? Are you surprised?  
> I'm glad you've made this far! Thank you for reading. I appreciate it a lot.❤❤  
> And please please please leave kudos.🥺🥺


	9. Lost in Macau

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dejun is finally in Macau and he uses all his time to look for Guanheng.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You made it to part three! It has seven chapters. 
> 
> This is a short chapter, but a very important one. I hope you like it! :)

Dejun got off the train, it was late at night and the snow was melting beneath him. He breathed out and released warm air that looked like smoke in the coldness. He wondered if life would always feel like this. But he left the platform and up the stairs, he needed to find a map. T

he first thing he needed to do was to find a cheap hotel he could stay in, and he figured that it would be easier to just ask the tourist information. “Hi uh, where is the nearest and cheapest hotel but with good Wi-Fi?”

“If you’re looking for a moderate hotel but with excellent Wi-Fi then I suggest this one,” she pointed on the map, “it’s only ten minutes away from here with bus 27.”

“Okay thank you.”

He walked out and found the bus station, where there were several buses he could take. But he needed to find 27. So he walked past the line of buses and finally reached the one he wanted to find. But he looked at the time table, and it was twenty minutes till the next one was arriving. He exhaled deeply, why was it that everytime he was going to look for Guanheng, he had the worse luck? And it only went even more downhill as rain started to pour down.

He pulled on his hood, sat on his suitcase, and hugged his guitar. He closed his eyes, and pretended that he was in another world, where there was warmth. A place that didn’t rain, where there were trees all around him, a beautiful color of green surrounding him. A place that didn’t have the smell of burnt gas and cigarette smoke but had the scent of flowers. And Guanheng was there.

Usually he wouldn’t mind the rain, he liked the rain. But staying still under it and let it wash him was not something that excited him.

After those twenty minutes, the bus finally arrived, he payed and got on. He sat himself at the very back of the bus, it was private there. And he didn’t have to think about being nice to people. During the bus ride, he tried to think of the easiest way to find him. Walking around the streets and knock on the doors seemed like a mad idea, but it seemed like it was the only option. He didn’t know where he lived, he didn’t know what Guanheng’s parents name were, and he didn’t know if his Guanheng’s sisters were in Macau. Guanheng had told him that his sisters were out of the country, but he no longer knew if he could believe in anything or anyone. 

He had trusted Guanheng, but he betrayed him. He had trusted Xuxi, but he betrayed him too. Even the others, none of them ever thought of telling him. Dejun knew that he no longer could trust anyone but himself.

He knew he had to go and search on the internet, but he didn’t know what he had to search for to get what he wanted. He knew that he first had to get sleep, and most importantly, food. When the bus reached his stop, he looked around to see if there were any convenience stores nearby. Luckily, he found 7-Eleven on the street. He walked in and bought some instant noodles and a drink. Some snacks as well. But when he stood in line for paying, he saw some delicious pizza slices on the display. Just watching them made his mouth water.

“Excuse me, are you going to pay?” The cashier called at him.

He blinked a few times, “Oh sorry,” he said and put his things on the counter. “Uh, four pizza slices too please,” he said. The cashier nodded. He payed and got his food. He quickly went to find the hotel that should be nearby.

But he couldn’t find it, so he pulled his phone out and searched for it. After walking for a while with his guitar on his back, pulling his suitcase with one hand, and the newly bought food dangling from his arm, his phone on the other hand, he found the hotel that the GPS led him to.

Checking in was a struggle too, but after that, he finally settled into his hotel room. It wasn’t big, and it wasn’t too fancy. It was an ordinary room, where the bathroom was to the right side when you walked in, and on the left side a wardrobe with a full-length mirror and a counter for suitcase. Then another counter with a kettle and a mug, a TV with a cabinet under, a desk and a chair, then lastly the bed on the opposite side that was in the middle between two nightstand tables. He took off his shoes and left his suitcase in the hall, he put the food on the counter and guitar on the floor and then, fell on the bed.

He was exhausted. He was hungry. He was cold. He closed his eyes, and he could’ve fallen asleep just like that at that moment. But his hunger kept him awake, and he pushed himself up and went to the food. It was still warm and he ate the pizza slices quickly, he didn’t want to eat them cold with stiffened cheese. They were tasty, the best pizza he had eaten in a long time, but it was only his hunger that glorified the taste, he thought. Which he didn’t have anything against.

He decided to not be lazy, so he unpacked his suitcase, put his clothes in the wardrobe, his toothpaste and toothbrush in the bathroom. He got a little more energy from the pizzas, but it still tired him out. He changed into his pajamas and then went to sleep. Tomorrow he would begin his search, and he would need all the energy he could get to do it.

The next morning, he woke up at eleven, it wasn’t as late as he thought it would be, but he got a good sleep, so he got up and started to look for him.

He began with searching on the internet. He started on Weibo, to see if there was anything he was tagged on by his family. But there was nothing, he checked the people he followed, the first one to show was himself, then their mutual friends. He scrolled down and he found his sisters, he started the first one. She posted pictures of influencer quality, all her pictured blended well together, but there was no post of Guanheng or her parent's home, and she worked abroad in another country.

Dejun could scroll down and try to find an old post of Macau. That seemed a little crazy, but that’s exactly what he did, and it wasn’t a total flop. He found a picture of Guanheng’s sister together with him, and they were standing in front of the airport. His sister was kissing his cheek. The caption said, 'sending off my brother for his dreams,' Dejun smiled. It was five years ago Guanheng came to the mainland, it was also five years ago the others came to Guangzhou and started with Rainbow V, but Dejun felt like they had been with each other all their lives. Now Guanheng was back in Macau and he felt like he had been gone all his life. It was complicated feelings.

Dejun got up and brought out his notebook and pen, he changed to his normal clothes and then went down for breakfast. He walked to the dining hall, where there were not many people. It was buffet, so he took as much as he could. A bowl of rice congee, some steamed buns, an egg, a glass of juice and desert. He sat himself down and started to dig in. The food was alright, it wasn’t bad and he knew that it would be his breakfast from then on. So he just had to deal with it whether he liked it or not, he could barely afford for lunch and dinner.

He started his research, he first had to find out how big Macau was. He knew the island was split in two, and two bridges connected them together. He found out how big in km2 it was, and wrote down all the places that Guanheng might live in. He wrote it all down in his notebook, but he wanted a map to mark the places.

After finishing up his breakfast he went to ask the hotel if there were any maps he could take. They gave him a map of the public places for tourists, he appreciated it but it wasn’t what he wanted. He asked them if they had maps of all of Macau, and they said no. They also found it suspicious. They asked him why he wanted it and why he couldn’t just use his phone. He said he wanted it in physical form, which wasn’t good enough for an answer.

He decided to print them out by himself. He found a library close by and asked if he could use the printer, and they said yes. Luckily, the library didn’t require a membership in order to use it and the librarian didn’t ask what he was going to print out. He first edited the map on some documents, he had to make sure when he printed them out to be in the same scale, and he pasted the screenshots so the filled the whole document, so there were no blank white lines in between. It took him forty minutes to finally have the maps of the places near water.

On his way to the hotel he first stopped by a store to buy some tape and markers and a pack of sticky notes, when he returned to his hotel room, he started to set things up. First, he taped the map of whole Macau in the middle of the wall by the desk. Then he taped the maps forming the regions that Guanheng might be hiding in. On the right side of the main map, he taped a bigger version of the coast, forming the residential areas on the east.

Then he hung up the other maps of the coast, it took a while, and it was tough to make it all fit. But he managed, and luckily, he had room for all the other places that were nearby the lakes. After that, he pulled out the new markers he bought and marked the places on the map and wrote it down with different colors. After an hour, he finally finished setting up and he took a step to observe what he just had done. And he swore he could’ve gone to jail if someone found out, he looked like a stalker. But nonetheless, he was proud of what he did, he could see clearly where he had to go and got a better view of Macau, that way he wouldn’t feel so lost.

He started to write down all the buses to all the places he had to take, which also took a long time. It was time for lunch and he boiled some water to make cup noodles.

He sent a message to his parents, “I’m alright, you don’t have to worry.” Then to his friends, “If I find Guanheng I’m keeping him to myself. You can’t have him because none of you helped looking.”

He searched on the internet for some information about the Huang family, but there were too many Huang's and he didn’t know if they were related to his Huang or not.

He continued stalking Guanheng, to see if there were someone he followed that could lead him to him. He didn’t find any account that could be his parents, and it was pretty clear that he wouldn’t, since not many old people have social media. He didn’t even know how old Guanheng’s parents were, or how they looked like, and it made Dejun frustrated. He was frustrated that Guanheng had made such a gap between him and his parents. He never talked about them, he never even mentioned them unless someone asked him about them, and whenever he answered, he would only say a few words.

During their younger years Dejun had met them few times when they took Guanheng to see him along with their friends in the mainland, but Dejun couldn’t remember their faces. He was bad with faces. Then after those few times, he never saw them anymore. He rubbed his head in despair. Feeling helpless.

But it was still early so he decided to go to the first place Guanheng could be. Maybe Guanheng was out, but he could still try and find his home. He planned the route he was going, all the buses he should take and the stops he should get off on, and the roads he should take. He wrote it all down and then put on his shoes and jacket and went out.

He took the bus to a residential area by the coast, the northernmost place for people to live. He went off and looked around. The buildings looked pretty old and foreign, he figured they were probably built during the colonial era under the Portuguese rule. It was quiet and fairly few people were out on the streets. He sighed, he felt slightly awkward to just knock on the door and ask if a Huang Guanheng lived there, but he had to do it. He walked up to the first door and pressed the doorbell. It took a while for the door to open, when it did, an old lady came and opened.

"Hello, who are you?”

“Uh, hi. I’m just…a nobody. Do you perhaps know if someone named Huang Guanheng lives here?” He asked.

She didn’t say anything, just stared at him blankly. “Around here maybe?”

“No, I don’t know anything. Sorry.” She said and closed the door.

He wasn’t surprised, it would be a miracle if she did know. But life wasn’t that easy, so finding Guanheng wasn’t going to be easy. He went to the next door, and there was no success there either. He continued down the street, and the other streets nearby. All the way to the last house, and all of them gave them the same answer. “No,” "I don't know," or “Go away”. He headed to the nearest bus stop and took the bus back to the hotel. It was late and he was getting tired.

The first thing he did when he came back was to make another cup of instant noodles, but one was not enough to make him feel full, so he made another one. He slurped in the noodles and ate some snack. He had to bring snacks with the next day because walking around made him starve.

On the map, he crossed out the place he had looked. It was a long way to go, and he had only started. He went to the bathroom and did his business, took a shower, and brushed hit teeth. Feeling a little livelier, he put on some music in his lonely room and took out another notebook of his. He had decided to write a logbook and do it every day before going to sleep. He was going to document everything he did. Under the dim light in the hotel room, he hid his face in his book.

‘Day 1’ he wrote down. And he wrote down what he had done, what he had felt and all his thoughts. Feeling like he emptied his memories of the day and put it in the book, he put it away in the drawer and went to sleep. The room was cold, so he enfolded himself in the thick blanket and then closed his eyes and dreamed away. In his dream, he found Guanheng, and Guanheng smiled at him, he hugged him even. But then he woke up. Dejun felt frustrated, he didn't know what to feel, and he didn't know what to feel. It only made him feel more determined to find him, because he needed to know what he was feeling.

He continued to go to the residential areas by the coast. There was no luck, like yesterday, none of them knew, and half of the houses were empty. But even if Guanheng did live in one of the houses that were empty, the neighbors would know, right? So everyday would look like that, wake up, eat breakfast, plan the route, go out and look, come back, cross out, write in his logbook. He even skipped lunches and would instead eat a hearty breakfast as it was free, and then just bring something to eat with his journey. He also started to wake up much earlier and returned later, the bus rides consumed too much time, and he had a goal to find him before march.

But he knew that he would need more time, it was already the middle of February when he was done searching the first island of Macao. He felt like it was too late when he realized that Guanheng lived in south of Macao. He had to move to another hotel. He tore down the maps of the places he already looked; they were now useless.

He video called his parents. “Mom, dad, how are you? Do you miss me?”

But as a mother, the first thing she said was, “You’ve gotten so skinny! Are you eating well?”

Dejun chuckled, “Yes, don’t worry about me. I’m skinny because I walk miles every day, the food is great, this hotel is great. Breakfast, lunch and dinner is all included.” He lied of course, he had to, to make them not worry. It was something he owed his parents.

His mother looked at him pitifully, “Son, are you sure? What if he doesn’t want to be found. What if-“

“Mom, listen. I know Kunhang. And he wouldn’t do something to hurt me.” That was also a lie. He wasn’t sure of what he was saying was true, he was only saying the things he hoped to be true. And he had to make his mom feel at ease. “I think I’m going to sleep now. Goodnight mom, dad.”

After a month since he came to Macau, he had gone through the whole coast, all of the first island, and the northern half of the second island. There wasn’t much left, and he started to run out of hope. He felt like he was chasing clouds, no matter how far he went there was nothing to grasp. No success. But Dejun was persistent and he knew what he wanted, even though his feelings sometimes blocked him from seeing things clearly.

He moved to another hotel, to the second island, and it was not as good as the previous one. There were no deserts like churros or egg tarts and juice. But he was only able to afford cheapest hotel if he wanted to eat properly. The water was also cold and took time before it got warm. He ran out of clean socks and didn’t care enough to wash them. He started to get sick of eating cup noodles, so he stopped eating it. He bought bread and buns instead. Which wasn’t exactly tasty in the long run either.

There were times he considered going back to Guangdong and continue with his normal life that he struggled so hard to live, but if he did, all of his time and effort in Macau and looking for him would be for nothing. There were times he questioned whether Guanheng deserved it nor not, and if it was unnecessary to find him. His friends were right, Guanheng said he would be back. But Dejun felt like it was a lie that they blindly trusted to be true. Dejun knew he had to find him, and it didn’t matter if he still loved him or not, he didn’t know if he did, but he wanted answers. And he was only getting them by finding him.

The first thing he did when he got to the new hotel was to set up the map, which was easier this time as a big part of it was now gone. It made him feel slightly relieved, but also less hopeful. He must've asked nearly thousands of people and they only told him no all the time. Most residential were apartments, which drove him insane, he had no clue of how to get inside. The only way was to wait for someone to get in or out, and sneak in after them. The good this was that the mail box were right by the entrance, so he could read the names of the people living in the apartment, so he didn't need to go and knock. But it was still tiring. It also took a lot of time to go through all the apartments.

It was now early march, and he didn’t keep the promise of going back home before march to his parents. But he was okay with that, because he had learned that promises were never meant to be kept anyways. He only had three possible places left to look. He read through his notes, and he tore down all the maps, he didn’t need the anymore. All he had to remember was written in his phone. And seeing an empty wall was freeing, he felt like he was close to the end of a journey. Three places left; three days left. If he didn’t find Guanheng within those day, he would leave Macau and forget about Guanheng. Well, at least try to forget.

He walked out of the bus and arrived in a rather opulent area, it was on hills with charming shapes and had rocks that gave the houses some privacy, and it looked beautiful despite the trees looking colorless. The houses were unique, not like the basic square shaped apartments had, they were pretty colorful, painted in pastel colors. It looked like a European fairytale but dressed in oriental style.

He walked up to the first door, and ringed the doorbell. Just like he always did.

“Hi,” Dejun said.

“Hello, who are you?”

“I’m Xiao Dejun. I’m looking for a friend. Do you perhaps know someone named Huang Guanheng?”

“Huang Guanheng?”

The man repeated the name, “I’m sorry, but no.”

Dejun thanked him and went to the next house. He continued asking the rest of the houses on the street, then on another street. And another. Until the sun was setting down. It was a little over five o’clock, and he had few more houses left.

He knocked on the door, “Hi, I’m Xiao Dejun. I’m looking for a friend. Do you if someone named Huang Guanheng lives here?”

“Huang Guanheng? Yes, he lives right over there,” the woman inside said, and pointed to a house that a few meters away from them. Dejun’s heart skipped a beat, no. It skipped several beats.

“I’m sorry, did I hear that right?”

“Yes, Huang Guanheng, a young man in his twenties, right?”

Dejun nodded.

“Yes, a very handsome one too,” she added.

Dejun laughed, “So he just lives right over there?”

“Yes, with his family.”

Dejun’s heart started to pound really fast. His search had finally come to an end, and it wasn’t a failure. All those days of walking and looking and asking finally seemed to be worth it, he had really found him. His journey in Macau turned out to be a success, and not a failure. The house was right there, just a few meters away from him. Guanheng could be there. Guanheng lived there.

He tried to control his breathing, in and out, in and out. He needed a moment before he knocked on the door. He grabbed his chest, where the heart was. He needed to calm down his heart. He was about to cry too. But he kept the tears in, he couldn’t cry in front of them. He had to be strong. Like he always tried to be. He had to show them no weakness. And he walked into their yard and up to the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HE FINALLY FOUND HIM. DEJUN IS SO DEDICATED, OR DESPERATE?  
> Well, kudos to him for finding him in Macau! I love him so much. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! And please leave kudos and comments! I'd appreciate it a lot.❤❤


	10. This is not you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dejun finally sees Guanheng again, but it is not what he had expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY FOR UPDATING SO LATE I had things to do AND WHEN I WAS MORE THAN HALFWAY DONE WITH THE CHAPTER EVERYTHING JUST GOT DELETED WTF. EVERYTHING JUST VANISHED AND I COULDN'T FIND IT ON THE HISTORY ON GOOGLE EITHER LIKE WHAT EVEN HAPPENED I'M SO MAD. And I also had to rewrite some stuff omg I'm so sorry ljhdfkdsjghöalsfkä. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
> 
> Anyway,  
> I hope you like the chapter....❤❤

Dejun couldn’t believe that he had finally gotten where he wanted. It felt surreal, like a dream that would soon end if he didn’t hurry knocking on the door. So he calmed himself down and knocked on the door.

After a few moments, the door opened. It was a lady in her fifties, and she had short hair and pearl earrings, a red top and black skirt. She looked expensive, she looked familiar. This must be Guanheng's mother.

“Hello, what can I help you with?” She asked with a gentle smile. 

“Hi, uh. Does Huang Guanheng live here?”

Her eyes lit up, “Yes! Yes, he does. You must be one of his friends, yes. I recognize you know. What’s your name?” She invited him in with a friendly and lively manner.

“I’m Xiao Dejun. How do you recognize me?”

“I’ve seen you when you were younger, of course I remember you! Wow, how delightful! Guanheng never takes his friends over or talks about them. Good to know that he does have friends. Come on in! Come in!” She led him to the living room, and like her, the inside looked expensive. It wasn’t excessively big, but the fine architecture made it look like a small grand palace. What impressed him more, was the interior design. Everything inside, the furniture and decorations, seemed to be a puzzle piece and worked together to create a bigger picture. The living room looked whole.

Dejun was slightly intimidated, to say the least. Did Guanheng grow up like this? Did he come back from his lousy apartment in Guangzhou for this? That couldn’t be it.

“Excuse me, what should I call you?”

“Oh, you can just call me Huang auntie,” she smiled.

Dejun nodded, “Okay.”

“Please sit,” she said. He sat down on the couch obediently. “Do you want some tea?”

“Sure, thank you.”

She made some tea on the tea service on the table between them. “Guanheng should be here soon,” she said.

“Okay, where is he?”

“He’s walking or dog with his wife.” Dejun heart dropped. “With his what?”

“His wife,” she said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. “Did you not know he got married?”

“No… he never told me anything.” A million questions formed in his head, was that why he left? To get married to woman? Did he break up with Dejun? Dejun’s mind was running hardwire and he wanted to get out of there. He stood up, he had to get out of there before Guanheng saw him, “I think I need to-,” but then he heard the front door open, followed by a dogs barking. Guanheng was here. It was too late.

“That must be them,” she went to the hall and took the dog. “Your friend Dejun is here,” he heard her say. Dejun felt uneasy standing there waiting for them. He already knew that this was going to be awkward, he didn’t know what to say. His mother had said “friend,” that meant she didn’t know that Guanheng and him were dating.

Guanheng stepped into the living room, he was shocked, scared, and reluctantly happy. “A’zeon,” he took a step closer. But Dejun took a step back. Dejun looked at him, it turned out the person standing in front of him was his ex boyfriend. He was wearing fancy brand clothes from head to toe, Guanheng was rich. No wonder he left all his clothes in Guangzhou, they were not as expensive as the pieces he was wearing. Dejun had to admit, he was handsome.

Guanheng’s mother noticed the tension between them, and how they didn’t greet each other like friends do. “Son, are you not happy to see your friend?”

“Of course I am,” he said. He walked steadily towards Dejun and hugged him, “Long time no see,” he said. Dejun’s heart was racing, Guanheng’s arms around him, their bodies close to each other again, it was what Dejun had wished for so long, but it felt unfamiliar. This Guanheng was different.

“Yeah, too long.” They pulled away awkwardly, Dejun didn’t know what he should do. He could only look at Guanheng, one and a half year of not seeing him, he had changed. Both of them did. Guanheng had gotten skinnier, his eyes were not as lively as before, they didn’t shine. There was something somber about him. His face didn’t have that gentle look anymore, and it was instead replaced with a stern look. But Dejun could also see the uneasiness in his face too. What was going on? Dejun didn’t ask. Was it like what his mother asked? Was he really not happy to see him?

Guanheng’s wife walked in, “Hello,” she approached Dejun, “I’m Xie Ziyan, Guanheng’s wife.” She shook his hand, “Pleasure to meet you.”

“Yeah, you too,” Dejun said politely, saying the opposite of what he actually wanted. She was beautiful, he had to admit. And he wondered if that was the reason Guanheng left him for. He peeked at him, despite being comfortable to have any eye contact with him, he wasn’t sure, but it looked like he was panicking inside.

Guanheng’s mother put the dog down, “We are going to have dinner soon, there’s enough for you too. Do you want to stay?”

“Uh...”

"You don't have to if you don't want to," Guanheng said.

"What? Do you not want to see me?" 

"That's not what I meant."

"Then what do you mean?"

"I just thought you would want to see me alone, not when my family is here."

"No, they're your family, I don't see a problem with that."

"I guess not."

"Then I'll stay. Besides, wouldn't it be rude to just leave?" Dejun frowned at Guanheng, what the hell was going on?

“I guess you're right,” Guanheng forced a smile. A pretty convincing one.

“So it's settled then! Dejun eats with is tonight. Why don't we move to the dining room while we wait?” Guanheng's mother led them to the dining room. A room just for eating, Dejun never thought of Guanheng would be that kind of person to have a room for one activity, maybe because he used to live in an apartment where the bathroom was the only other room, but Dejun still thought that you could both eat and cook food in one room, that being called a kitchen.

The room was just like the living room, grand, coordinated and neatly decorated. The round table was already set for four seats. “Just sit wherever you want. Guanheng’s father isn’t feeling well, so you can eat in his place,” Guanheng’s mother said. That only made Dejun feel more uncomfortable.

Dejun sat down after Guanheng's mother and Ziyan, the two of them were left to sit in front of each other. It was going to be hard not to stare. 

Then a woman came with the food. “Dejun, this is our maid. And also the one who made your food.”

“Oh,” Dejun didn’t really know what to answer to that, so he went, “It looks delicious,” he said politely. They started to dig in, Dejun felt fulfilled, he hadn’t eaten good meat in a long time, only the dried meat in cup noodles or boxed food. If he didn't stay to see what was up with Guanheng and his family, he would've stayed solely for the food.

“It’s delicious,” he said. 

“Good that you like it. So tell us, when did you come to Macau?” Guanheng's mother asked, shallowly generating a conversation.

“Oh uh, I’ve been here for a while.” It went silent after that, they probably expected him to elaborate.

“Why did you come here?” Ziyan asked. Dejun was taken aback, and so was Guanheng.

"Yan, watch your mouth, don't you think that was a little rude?" Guanheng said. Dejun agreed, who was she to ask him such a forward question? He felt like he was being interrogated. Dejun didn’t like her.

"I'm sorry."

"No, it's alright. But, do you mean why I came to Macau or here to your home?"

"Both, actually."

He wasn’t sure of what he should've answered. Should he tell that he came all the way just to see Guanheng, and possibly expose the fact that he looked for him for more than a month? No.

"I had some private stuff I needed to do here in Macau," he lied, which wasn't a total lie. He did come here for private matters, to look for Guanheng. “While I was here, I thought to myself, why not pay Guanheng a visit? It has been a long time since I saw him. So now I'm here," he said nonchalantly. "When he left, he cut off all contact with us. I actually didn’t know where he was until a month ago. I missed him and wanted to see how he was doing.” Dejun looked at Guanheng without breaking eye contact as he said it, despite speaking to the person next to him. Guanheng stared back at him, and none of them touched their food. Was there any love left?

Guanheng’s mother chuckled to break the awkwardness, “I’m sorry about that. We had a family matter that required him to come back. But I didn’t think he would cut off contact. Son, why didn’t you keep contact with your friends?”

Dejun looked forward to his answer, he was curious of how he was going to explain himself.

“Well, mom, you know there was a lot happening here. So I thought it was best to not distract myself with unnecessary things,” he said to his mom. “And I’m really sorry for just ghosting on you guys, I shouldn’t have done that. I really do miss you guys.” The look on Guanheng’s eyes were sincere, Dejun could tell. But there were still so many things he didn’t understand. Were he and his friends unnecessary things? And Guanheng said “you guys,” which meant he missed all of them, did he miss Dejun alone, as his boyfriend, or just a friend?

“Can I ask you what that family matter was that made you leave?”

“Let’s just say there were some complications and we needed our son back,” Guanheng’s mom said.

Dejun nodded. She wasn’t so keen on exposing personal family matter, which was understandable.

It was Guanheng’s mother that kept the conversation going, neither Dejun nor Guanheng were so eager to talk, at least not with other people around. Their eyes often wandered to each other; it was hard avoiding it as they were right in front of each other.

“Dejun, you’re from Guangdong, right?” Dejun nodded. “Did your parents ever teach you how to speak Cantonese?"

“Oh, yes. I understand it perfectly fine, but I’m not very good at speaking it. I use mandarin most of the time. And not all my friends understand it so, I only use it with my family,” he lied. The truth was, he wasn't comfortable speaking Cantonese with new people, he only spoke it with people close to him. Guanheng knew this of course, which stung when he heard Dejun's lie.

“I see. Your friends are from different parts of China, right?”

“Yes, one is from Thailand too, actually.”

“Really? Right! I remember now! Yes, one of you were from Thailand. That’s wonderful. So tell us, how is life over there? Kunhang never tells us anything about his time there.”

“Oh really? That’s funny because he never told us anything about you either.”

“Really?” She looked at her son, “Why didn’t you tell them anything? Are we that boring?”

Guanheng laughed a little uncomfortably, “Mom. I never thought it would be interesting to talk about you. I mean, we are a pretty boring family.”

She shook his head. “Well, I think I have to disagree with you son. And stop using Cantonese, our guest is speaking in Mandarin."

"A'zeon understands Cantonese perfectly fine. And he's my guest, not yours."

"Wong Kunhang. Don't be like that. You're barely talking to him. I welcomed him inside, so he's my guest. Our guest if you'd like. But not yours. So Dejun, how is life in Guangzhou like? Are there any fun stories about our Guanheng that we might want to hear?” She looked at him with anticipation.

Yes there was of course. So many. The first things that came to his mind were only things between the two of them. Dejun and Guanheng, but they were all too private. Or, he would get too flustered to talk about it. So instead, he told them about the time in the studio, how the seven of them would hang out, dance, and sing and laugh together. And whenever the seven of them would do anything together. He missed those times, and he talked about them fondly, he didn’t even look at the people he was talking to.

“It seems like you had a good time over there, why don’t you tell us anything?” She looked at her son. Dejun looked at Guanheng too, and he was different.

The Guanheng he just had talked about was happy, he was talkative, he smiled and laughed. He behaved freely and weirdly. This Guanheng was the opposite. “I never had time to think about it. I’ve been stressed about things here.” Both Dejun and Guanheng’s mother expected him to say more, Ziyan didn’t. Dejun shot her a glare. Did she know Guanheng better than him?

“Guanheng has changed,” he said, “He doesn’t talk as much.”

“I think that’s my fault, he’s been getting a lot of pressure this year. You see, he’s taking over the casino.”

“The casino?” Dejun said confused.

“Yes, our casino. Guanheng, didn’t you tell anything? Dejun, Guanheng’s father is the CEO and owner of a casino, and he’s now getting an education in managing the company.”

Dejun was dumbfounded, “A casino? He’s going to be a boss of a casino?”

She nodded proudly and patted her son. “Yes, how amazing is that?” Guanheng looked embarrassed.

“Amazing I guess,” Dejun said blankly. “It’s just a shock, Guanheng never told us about a casino, or taking over it. I never thought him as a CEO of a company or anything.”

“Really, well I think my so suits that role perfectly, don’t you think?”

“Yes sure.”

“Now what are your goals Dejun?”

He sighed. Guanheng was his goal, to see him again and to get answers, to maybe be together again. But it was done now. He found Guanheng, but it wasn’t his Guanheng. This Guanheng was silent, composed, calm, a well-behaved son with great manners, who seemed to only speak when his mother asked him to. His goal was gone now. “I don’t really know.” For so long he had only focused on being happy, was that a good goal? “I think I’ve just wanted to live a happy life, but when it comes to a career, then I think it’s definitely going to be something about music.”

“Really, are you really sure you could make a living out of that? Luckily, singing and dancing is just a hobby for my son, isn’t that right?”

“Yes,” Guanheng agreed.

“I’m working as a music teacher for kids in elementary school. It’s fun.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful. I love children. I really want grandchildren soon, but none of my kids are willing to have kids yet. Guanheng’s sisters are all overseas working with business. They don’t have time for it. Do you have any siblings?”

“Yes, a brother. He actually got a kid a little more than a year ago. I have a niece.”

“A niece, oh how adorable. Your parents must be very proud.”

“Yeah, they are I guess. But I think they're happy rather than proud”

“Well, there isn't really much of a difference, is there? I’m just hoping for Guanheng and Ziyan to get a child soon,” she teased.

“Mom stop it. We’ve already told you, we are not ready,” Ziyan said. Dejun felt his chest burning, she said mom.

“Aren’t we all a little young?” Dejun pointed out.

“Yes, yes. I’m just teasing, but I really feel like I want grandchildren now. I’m not getting any younger. Your father wants grandchildren too you know.”

“Mom, I know. Stop pushing, please.”

She sighed, “Alright. But Dejun, when do you want kids?”

He couldn’t help but laugh, “I- I never thought about that. The thing is, I have a niece and I spend a lot of time with her. I also work with kids. So I’m surrounded by kids most of the time, so I never thought about having my own. And I’m still very young. I’m only 23 years old. If I’m going to have kids, then it’ll be around 30, maybe even after. And on top of that, I don’t even have a girlfriend, I don't think I'll ever have a girlfriend.” He looked at Guanheng awkwardly.

Guanheng's mother noticed the way they looked at each other. “Don't be silly. You’ll find one in no time. With a handsome face like yours it’ll be easy. If you'd like some help, I could introduce you to some girls-"

"Mom, stop it. He'll find someone on his own, Guanheng said firmly. 

"Alright, I'm sorry. But I believe you'll find a beautiful smart girl for you. Just like our Ziyan here. But you’re as skinny as my son. Oh my god, look at the two of you. If you want a girl, you need a little more muscles. Eat more, c’mon. You need to have some meat on your body.” She gestured him to eat more, even though Dejun was close to finishing his bowl of rice.

He had nothing against eating more but staying here with them and having an incredibly awkward conversation and continuing being uncomfortable wasn’t something he wanted. Hearing her say the word 'girl' only made him uncomfortable. She really didn't care about other sexuality. He wanted to get out of there. And he wanted to do it soon. He had enough of Guanheng’s unfamiliarity.

“What time is it?” Dejun asked.

“It’s at a quarter to seven,” Ziyan said.

Dejun didn’t want her to talk, but he thanked her anyway.

“Are you not staying?” Guanheng asked. That was the first thing he said to him that felt like his Guanheng would say to him. Dejun felt his heart clench. He found it funny as well, staying. Was Guanheng really that dense? Dejun noticed how Guanheng’s eyes wandered to his wrist. He pulled his sleeve to cover the bracelet.

“No, I don’t think I will. I’m feeling a little tired. And it’s a long way back to the hotel. I think I’ll be leaving now.” He got up.

“Wait, so abruptly? You could stay here, there are many rooms that you could take.”

“No, really. The food was great. But I don’t want to intrude, I think I’m just going to leave now.”

“But-“ she said.

“Mom let him go, it’s okay. I’ll walk him out,” Guanheng said. That shut her mouth.

Dejun left and Guanheng followed him. They put on their shoes and their jackets in silence. None of them knew what the other had in mind. But Dejun didn’t want him to be near him.

“A’zeon,” Guanheng said.

“Don’t call me that.”

He opened the door aggressively and stormed out, Guanheng followed him. “Wait, A’zeon!” Dejun walked fast, but Guanheng was right behind him.

“Don’t! I fucking hate you!" Finally letting the anger that he had bottled up inside out. “What the fuck Guanheng!?” He turned around.

Guanheng stopped a few meters away from him. “Let me explain!” Guanheng shouted, there was anguish in his voice. “Please-”

“There is nothing to explain! You left me! Do you know what you put me through!? I almost died!”

“If you would just listen!”

“Listen? I called you a thousand times! I texted you a thousand times! I waited for you! I was ready to listen! You had several chances of explaining yourself. But what did you do? You just ignored me! I fucking hate you! I don’t want to see your face ever again!” He walked away, Guanheng tried to grab his shoulder, but he pushed it away.

“Don’t touch me you idiot!" He kept walking. And so did Guanheng.

"A'zeon, I'm sorry! You need to understand!"

Dejun didn't want to hear him shouting anymore. He grabbed Guanheng’s collar and threw him on the ground. "Stop following me! Why don’t you go back to your wife!?” He was about to leave again, but then stopped. “Right, I almost forgot.” He took off his bracelet, and for the first time it felt so right. “You can have your bracelet back. I don’t want it anymore. Why don't you give it to Ziyan.” He threw it on the ground, no, he slammed it on the ground by Guanheng’s feet. “Fuck off,” he said and left.

Back at the hotel, all he could do was cry. He cried out of frustration and regret. He regretted coming to Macau and looking for him. He regretted finding him. He was so angry, seeing Guanheng like that, in his perfect house and family. He was jealous of Ziyan. He hated her.

Did she steal Guanheng? Did Guanheng cheat? He had a million of questions, he had more questions than before, when he was still looking for him. He groaned, changed position. He didn’t know why he stayed; he could’ve left. He was done, he did what he came to do. But he still didn’t go back to Guangdong.

His phone kept vibrating; it was Guanheng begging him to listen. He opened his phone, Guanheng sent him hundreds of texts. It was unusual. It was Guanheng’s turn to send messages and not get any answer.

He read the texts, “Please, let me explain. Ziyan is not my wife. She’s just an actress I payed for pretending to be my girlfriend. I’ll explain everything if you would just please listen. I don’t want to do it through phones. Can we meet tomorrow? I’m sorry for everything.” Dejun didn't know what to believe. Was Guanheng finally telling the truth or was he playing games? He didn’t reply, he wanted him to know how it felt to be ignored.

He didn’t sleep well that night. He kept thinking about why Guanheng did what he did. He couldn’t think of any reasons. It only maddened him more. He thought about the day before Guanheng vanished, it was a normal day, except Guanheng had told him about his family. That he didn’t want to go back. Was that a lie or not? The reason why he was so clingy, was it because he wanted Dejun to know that he really loved him and didn’t want to leave? Dejun figured this must’ve been something with the family matter that his mother didn’t want to tell him about.

Everything was so confusing, and all Dejun did was to sleep. It's what he needed after being exhausted everyday. He needed to rest. He spent the next day lying on the hotel bed and playing the guitar on his stomach. Ignoring the calls and texts from Guanheng. If Guanheng wanted to talk, he'd had to try a little harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY DONE!! 
> 
> I hope you aren't disappointed! I tried to make it good. But things will get better soon, story wise, I mean. 
> 
> And I'm really sorry for the slow update. 😫


	11. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dejun decides to hear Guanheng out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They are finally meeting each other again!! Like, for real this time. No pretending, just the two of them without filters. I'M SO HAPPY FOR THEM.😭
> 
> I think you'll love this chapter as much as I do!!❤❤

After two days of just lying in the hotel room, overthinking and playing some melodies, he agreed to meet up with Guanheng. Guanheng wanted to have lunch together where he could explain everything and talk things through. So that's what they were doing. 

Dejun and Guanheng sat in front of each other in the restaurant. It was a normal one, not a fast food restaurant, but not a super fancy either. Ordinary people came and ate there, and they were seated in a place that was a little secluded from everything else, so no one was going to hear them talking. But that didn't make a difference, because both of them sat silently. Dejun stared at him steadily, without showing any vulnerability. While Guanheng was intimidated and didn't dare to talk. He was scared. And so ashamed.

A waitress came, breaking the silence. "Can I take your order?" 

"Uh, yeah." He ordered a few dishes to the two of them. But Dejun said he wasn't hungry. Guanheng knew of course, that he was only mad at him, "He'll have stir fried rice," he said.

Dejun felt even more complicated. When he wasn't in the mood to eat, or in the mood to do anything, stir fried rice was always something he could eat. Because everything was mixed together, and it was easy to eat. You didn't have to think. It made him angry, that Guanheng ordered him that, because he still knew him like the back of his hand. Complicated feelings erupted, he leaned back and crossed his arms.

“A’zeon,” Guanheng began.

“Don’t call me that,” he said in Mandarin. The name was what his family called him, only the closest people called him that. Guanheng knew that, he was one of them who did it and now he couldn’t. Dejun also didn’t speak Cantonese with people he was unfamiliar with, now he wanted Guanheng to speak Mandarin to him.

“Okay, Dejun,” he said unwillingly. But he was ready to talk to him, to explain why he left, explain why he didn't tell him. He knew he hurt him, he knew it know. And he was ready to make it up to him, no matter what it takes. 

"I'm really sorry for not telling you. I don't know what I put you through. But I'll explain everything. I'll start from the beginning. It all started before I even left you. A few weeks before I left, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. The doctors estimated that he had a maximum of a year left. That’s why I had to come back, my mother kept nagging me, and she’s right. I need to be with my father, he’s dying. And the thing is, being the only son comes with a lot of pressure. I have to take over the family business, the stupid casino and the fucking hotel. And they wanted me to get married.

My dad wanted to see me get married, and even have grandchildren. I didn’t want any of that, not the company, not a wife and definitely not kids. But the thing is, he only had a few a year left, so I thought maybe I could do it for him. I could take over the company, I have nothing against it. But getting married? No. Definitely not, not to a woman. I never told you this. But my parents are homophobic, they are conservative old people. And they want me to get a wife. Have kids with her. My father wants to see me be a dad, he wants to be a grandfather before he dies. So I looked for a girl that would be willing to pretend to be my girlfriend, so I did. You know there are people on the internet willing to do anything for money, good thing my family is rich. So I paid her to pretend to be my wife. I found her a month after I left. It started good and smoothly. She’s a good actress. She pretended to be my girlfriend at first. Then my parents pushed me to get married. And I felt like I had to, so we got married. We only had a normal ceremony. But she’s not registered as my wife.”

He was done telling his story. During his storytelling, they had gotten their food, but none of them touched the food. Guanheng had to let Dejun know that he was sorry, and that he knew his mistakes. 

“Dejun, I’m truly sorry for whatever you’ve been through. I left you a note that said I’ll be back. And I meant it. I never planned to stay this long; I didn’t think my father would still be alive. But everything has been out of my control. And I don't know if I'm even happy that my father is still alive. Of course I should be happy, he's my father! But it's keeping me away from you. And it’s only prolonging his inevitable death, and he’s suffering. He’s not feeling well, that’s why he wasn’t with us during dinner.”

Dejun didn’t say a word. “Please, Dejun. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have just left you like that. I regret it so much, leaving you there in my apartment was the hardest thing I ever did. It was a tough decision, and I know now that I did the wrong thing. Please, what can I do to make it up to you?” He was pleading.

“Guanheng, why didn’t you tell me? Why did you decide to tell Xuxi instead?”

“Because-, I don’t know. I felt like my hands were tied. And I felt like if I told you, I would've broken up with you. I wasn't sure of how you would react. I knew that if I told you then I would’ve told everything. I couldn’t, my parents don’t like it when outsiders know about family things. At least not things that you wouldn’t be proud of. My parents have always been those kind people that wants to show their best selves, not their real self. There was nothing I could do. I didn’t want you to find out this that my parents are homophobic. That’s why I couldn’t tell them either about you. I feel like as long as my parents are alive, I won’t be able to live the live I want. They decide things for me when I’m with them. Those three and a half years were already more than I could ask for. You heard my mother; she doesn’t think you can make a living out of dancing and singing. She wants me to have a job she considers proper. And it was easier to tell Xuxi, I didn't tell him much. Only that thee was very important things I needed to do in Macau. I thought that if I didn't tell you, and when I came back, it would be like it never happened. Like a dream. No, a nightmare.”

"Well it was pretty much real. Like a nightmare I couldn't wake up from."

Dejun shook his head, it wasn’t what he had expected. He felt conflicted. He didn't know how to react to it, what to say to it. He started to eat the fried rice Guanheng ordered him.

"You're stress eating..." Guanheng timidly pointed out.

"Why does it matter? Eating is eating."

Guanheng sighed, he didn't have the appetite. He started to rethink the whole lunch thing. But it was good to see Dejun eat, he looked like he had been starving. And it would've been extremely awkward if they didn't have anything to do. And there was one more thing he had to ask. Something that he was terrified of asking, but he had to know.

"Dejun...you said that you almost died..."

Dejun scoffed, "Yeah. I did. What about it?"

"I want to-," he pressed his lips. "Can I know how? Was it my fault?" His voice trembled. He wasn't ready to hear, but he had to. He had to know everything.

“Do you know anything of what I’ve been through?” Dejun asked.

“No,” Guanheng said, his voice weak.

"I thought Xuxi would've told you."

"He didn't. He didn't tell me anything," Guanheng said.

"Nothing?"

"No, everytime I asked, he said that you were fine. That you were alright."

"I guess he didn't want you to worry. Because that is no where near the truth. I thought you were dead.”

Guanheng looked up. “Dejun I-“.

“Don’t bother. I thought you were dead. The day you vanished. Waking up in that empty bed, that empty apartment,” he recalled his memories. “I was scared. At first, I thought you were just going to buy some toilet paper or whatever. But you never came. You know I texted you and called you. But you didn’t answer, I was terrified, I started imagining all horrible things that might've happened to you. After work, I walked in the rain to your work, because there was no bus. I asked them if they knew where you were, but they didn’t know. They were going to fire you. But I made a deal with your boss, and I filled your place and did your work. I saved your job. But you got fired in the end anyway. I went to your co workers apartment, I thought you might be there, because they didn’t show up either, and they got fired for that. You know Renjun and Chenle. I got into a fight with them, they were vaping. The day after; your birthday, I reported you a missing person. Do you understand how hard that was for me? I turned into an alcoholic. I got addicted to it, I suffered from anemia! I almost died!” As he was talking, his voice got louder and louder, growing more aggressive. He couldn't control himself any longer.

“Yangyang took me to a club, he wanted to help me forget about you. I passed out because of blood loss. Did you ever think about me? Before you left, did you even think about me? About how this was going to affect me?”

“I didn’t-.”

“Well you should’ve! I almost died. Three times! The first time was because of hypothermia. The second time was in that club. I was hospitalized. I had to take medicine. I had to rehab. I lost my job! The last time I almost died was this year! I thought I was happy, that I could move on. But not knowing anything about you was just haunting me. I worried about you all the time. Turns out I didn’t have to.” Dejun exhaled. He had talked too fast. “Don’t you remember our promises? You betrayed all of them. You didn’t pick up your phone. You didn’t talk to me. You lied to me. The day you vanished, the night before. You told me about your parents, you said that you didn’t want to go back. Everything was a lie!” Dejun saw tears streaming down Guanheng’s cheeks.

“I’m sorry Dejun. I don’t deserve you. I told Yukhei so he could make sure that you wouldn’t worry, but…” his words trailed off into silence, but heard muffled sobs instead, as he held his hand against his mouth. Trying to cover his face.

“That's why he tried so hard to make me believe that you would come back...Stop crying,” Dejun said. He didn’t want to see him cry; he knew he would cry as well.

“Okay, I’m sorry.” Guanheng wiped away his tears. “But do you remember what I wanted you to promise me? I asked you to trust me.”

“I remember.”

“Then will you trust me to fix this? Will you let me try to fix this? Just tell me what I have to do.”

"I did trust you, Guanheng. But I'm not sure if I can trust you again. You really broke me," Dejun said quietly.

"A'zeon..." Guanheng whispered. "Dejun, I'm sorry. What can I do to make you trust me again? Please, let me do it. I'm begging you." Guanheng cried. He had never been so disappointed in himself, he looked down to hide the tears from streaming down. Even crying made him feel disappointed in himself. He felt like he didn't deserve crying.

But Dejun felt a tug in his heart. Seeing Guanheng cry hurt him. He didn’t expect himself to feel sorry for the person who hurt him the most. He looked beautiful, his black hair covering his eyes, his eyes shining of tears. His red cheeks. His hands holding his shirt up in attempt to hide his face. His heart ached for him. He looked at Guanheng’s hands, and then saw the ring on his finger. His heart ached. “I’m sorry Guanheng, but I can’t do this right now. I need time to think.” He left Guanheng.

He returned to the hotel. Feeling even more frustrated than ever, he finally got real answers. And in a way, he could understand him. But he was still infuriated with Guanheng. And everything was happening so fast. Too fast. Two days ago he had believed that Guanheng cheated on him, left him for a woman and abandoned him like a piece of garbage. Now, he knew that Guanheng didn’t leave him, not willingly at least.

He found out that Guanheng still loved him, and that he tried his best to keep Dejun out of his miserable life. Guanheng was being closeted, suppressed for being who he was. Dejun felt sorry for him, he didn’t have luck that Dejun had. Dejun had come out by just bringing Guanheng with him to his family during Lunar’s New Year. Guanheng had to pay for a girl to pretend to be his wife.

Dejun was confused, he didn't know what he wanted anymore. But he knew that what he had felt when he met Guanheng again, for real this time, was not meant to be felt by enemies or even friends. And definitely not ex boyfriends. It confused him even more. He wanted to drink, but that wasn't going to happen. He had to stick to being sober.

He went to the store and bought cigarettes instead. Back in his room he lit one up and inhaled. It was his first time smoking, but it calmed his mind. 

Guanheng returned to his big fancy house crying, encountered by his mom. 

"Where have you been? Why are you crying? What happened?"

"Nothing," he said and walked to his room. He shut himself inside and didn't come out for the rest of the day. He hated himself. He hurt Dejun so much without even knowing. _What were you thinking, Wong Kunhang? I'm a monster._ He hit himself, he threw around his pillows. To think that Dejun almost died because of his stupidity, it hurt. He disgusted himself.

He called Xuxi. 

"Yukhei!" He cried.

"Kunhang? Why are you calling? Why are you crying?"

"I'm an idiot! I'm pathetic! I'm a fucking monster!"

"Why are you saying that?"

"Dakzeon found me. We met, he told me everything. Why didn't you? Why didn't you tell me he turned into an addict? Why didn't you tell me that he almost died!? I would've come back! Why did you tell me he was fine?"

"I...when did he find you?"

"Why does it matter? I'm an idiot. I don't deserve him."

"No, don't say that. You're not a monster. Look, the reason I didn't tell you was because you said that you had important things to do over there. I didn't want you to worry. There was nothing we could do-"

"Yes, there was nothing you could do. But I could do everything. If you just told me..."

"A'hang, don't put the blame on me. When you left, you left a fucking ruined Dejun for us to take care of. I know you had things to do, I knew you wouldn't leave if it weren't really serious things. I was just trying to make it easier for you. You didn't make it easier for A'zeon, he's been through a lot. And when you left, you pretty much broke contact with the rest of us. So I didn't feel like I could tell you even if I wanted to."

"You're right. i'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I know who to blame. It's me myself and I, and all my fucking mistakes. Everything is my fault. Dejun doesn't want me anymore, and I can't make him forgive me..."

"You're not okay. Do you still love him like you did before?"

Guanheng didn't say a word. That was enough as an answer. Xuxi knew what he had to do. He called Dejun

"Hello, Yukhei," Dejun said. 

"What is up with you?"

"Nothing just crying. You know, the usual."

"Stop it. You need to call Kunhang, he's not okay. He needs you."

"I needed him too. Where was he?"

"Don't be like this. You're not like this. Be there for him."

"I know, I will. I'm just taking out my anger. Stop nagging."

"Yeah."

"Thank you, for calling."

"Of course."

"Oh and. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being so mad at you. I know you did your best. And...I owe a lot to you. So, I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Thanks. I understand your anger."

"Hm, you're a good friend, Yukhei. Can you tell the others that I say hi? And that I'm fine. I know you worry."

"Sure. And you're right, the others worry a lot too."

"You don't have to. Me and Guanheng, we'll find a way. I just wished things went differently. Somehow, I feel disappointed in myself for not making him feel like he could share everything with me. Maybe I'm mad at myself and not him..."

"Seriously, the two of you. He called me before I called you. That's why I called you. He hates himself, he called himself a monster for hurting you so much. Talk to him. There's nothing more I can do for you two. Just call him."

"Yeah, I was going to. You don't have to tell me. But thanks for telling me. I'll be nicer to him."

"Good, I'll hang up now."

"Okay, bye"

Dejun sighed. One thing was clear, Dejun loved him too, and wanted to forgive him. But the love he was feeling now, was confusing. Did he want to go back to the way things used to be? And he didn't know how he was going to forgive him, all he could think of when he thought of Guanheng was the pain he was left with. But he had to try.

Dejun called Guanheng, and Guanheng picked up immediately.

"A'hang. I'm sorry for leaving like that. Can we meet tomorrow? We still have a lot to talk about."

"You're speaking Cantonese again."

"Oh, uh. I guess I am. It's okay, we can use Cantonese again."

"Okay," Guanheng said happily. Because he was happy that they could talk to each other in their first language again. It also meant that Dejun was comfortable with him again, maybe things were turning out for the better.

"So where can we meet?"

"I don't know, do you wanna talk over lunch again? My treat again, of course."

"Okay, but can we go to a cafe? It's calmer."

"Sure. Let's meet then.

"Yeah, see you tomorrow."

They met in a cafe like they had agreed to. It was indeed much calmer. But that meant they could talk loudly or shout at each other like Dejun had done the day before. 

They ordered warm drinks and then sat by the window on the second floor to get some privacy. Guanheng smiled at him, it made Dejun’s heart fill with warmth, Guanheng’s smile took his breath away, and he had to look away, but he had swollen eyes, he must've cried a lot. And so was Dejun's eyes. Both of them had cried a lot the day before. 

He cleared his throat, “Kunhang, I’m sorry for being so angry.”

“It’s okay, I understand why you are. You have every right to be. It’d be weird if you weren’t.”

“I agree with that, and I’m still mad at you. But I think I’m ready to forgive you.”

Guanheng nodded eagerly, “I’ll do whatever you want.” 

“I still don’t know what I need you to do, but I want to understand you. What have you been doing ever since you left?”

“I,” he sighed, “I’ve been doing everything my parents asked me to do. I started school again, in business. It’s really not fun at all. It’s all numbers and stuff. It’s boring as hell. Then I’ve found a girl and got married,” he said and laughed. He took off the ring and put it on the table. “Please don’t hate her, A’zeon. She’s a nice person. I think I would’ve been fine with her if I were into girls.”

“So you’re-“

“Completely gay, yes. Imagine being that with parents like mine.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to,” he said. “She’s a great person, and she get along well with my parents. Honestly, she’s the perfect fake wife. I just wish that it was someone else.”

It took a while for Dejun to understand. He gasped and looked away. His face heated up. It was hard. Guanheng obviously still loved him and wanted him. And Dejun did too, but it was hard. The one he loved the most, also hurt him more than anyone else. It was hard.

"A'hang, the first few months of us dating, you weren't very comfortable with being out in the public. Was it because of you parents homophobia?"

Guanheng nodded, "Ever since I can remember, they've missed a chance to make nasty comments about homosexuality. I grew up thinking it was wrong because of that, but then I realized that I was gay. It wasn't easy. I've felt closeted and hated myself for being it. But as I got older I realized that they were wrong. There's nothing wrong with us. When you confessed with the song, I was so happy. I was in love with you and you felt the same. I was so caught up in the moment that I said yes. I don't know if I would say no if I knew I would have to come back so early. But I never regretted saying yes. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, being your boyfriend and having you as my boyfriend is my life's happiness. Now I feel a little selfish."

Dejun took a deep breath, “A’hang, what are we? You never broke up with me, and I didn’t break up with you. But it feels like there is this great distance between us now.”

“I don’t know. I guess we’re in an unknown status. But we’re at least friends, right?”

Dejun nodded, “Yes, friends.”

Guanheng had his hands on the table, he was fidgeting with his fingers. And Dejun was too, under the table. Both were extremely nervous.They had to work things out.

“Do you think one day we could be more than friends again?” Guanheng asked.

“I, I don’t know. That’s a tough question. I guess we’ll just have to see. “ Dejun said. But he felt like he wasn’t all honest. It was clear that Guanheng wanted to be more. More than just sitting in front of each other talking as strangers. Strangers that once shared a past. “I still care about you, a lot. I think that’s why I’ve stayed. I could’ve left the day after I found you. Or even after I left your house.”

“But you didn’t.”

“I didn’t, that’s right. And I don’t regret it.”

Guanheng smiled shyly, “Thank you for giving me a chance. I didn’t think you’d believe me. I feel so ashamed, like, I don’t deserve a second chance to explain things.”

“Of course I’d believe you, I can tell when you’re lying, A’hang. You’re not lying now and you didn’t lie yesterday. But you were awfully untruthful during dinner,” he chuckled, which made Guanheng also laugh.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I wish it would’ve gone differently.”

“Yeah, me too. But we’re here now. And we’re alright. Sorry about pushing you by the way. Are you okay?”

“A’zeon, seriously. You don’t have to say sorry to me. It’s me who should say it. But yeah, I’m fine, that push was nothing. Didn’t hurt a bit. What did hurt was when you said you hated me and told me to fuck off. But it’s what I deserve.”

“Kunhang, I was angry.” Dejun said. Despite Guanheng’s mistake, he still didn’t hate him. He could never really hate Guanheng.

“Yeah, I know. I deserved it, but I’m okay.”

Dejun sighed, “I’m glad to hear that.”

The conversation died out, none of them knew what to say, nor do. 

“How long have you been here?” Guanhen asked.

“Since 29th of January.”

Guanheng gasped. “You’ve been here since January? It’s March now. And all you did was look for me?” Dejun could see that Guanheng was tearing up. He looked down.

Dejun quickly put his hand over Guanheng’s, “Hey. Don’t cry. It’s okay. Don’t feel guilty. It was all my choice.”

“I _really_ don’t deserve you,” he sniffled.

Guanheng took his hand, it sent shudders through his body. Was a friend supposed to feel like that? Definitely not. “A’hang, all I did to find you was my own choice. You are not accountable for it.”

“What exactly did you do then?”

“I searched for you, what do you think?”

“Gosh, I am such an idiot. I never told you anything about my life here in Macau, how did you find me?”

“You did tell me one thing. You lived by the water. So I went looking for you. I knocked on every house in Macau that were by water, the coast or a lake.”

“Oh my god, Dakzeon. You’re insane. And I am a pathetic idiot.” He let go of Dejun and buried his face in his hand, but then slammed his forehead on the table, repeatedly.

“Stop it, people are looking!” Dejun hit his head lightly. “For god’s sake, Kunhang. Stop hurting yourself.” Dejun grabbed his head under the chin, “Look at me, I’m only mad at you for one thing. And that is for not telling me anything and leaving. So stop blaming yourself. The others didn’t want me to go looking for you, but I didn’t listen to them. It was my own decision.”

“But you-“ he trembled. Guanheng’s breath was unsteady. “I’m so sorry. You spent a whole month, more than a month to just look for me. I can’t believe I made you do that. I know you don’t want me to put the blame on myself, but I can’t help it. If I just told you.”

Dejun sighed, “You’re just giving me other reasons to be mad at you.”

“Okay, fine. Thank you, thank you so much for finding me. I honestly don’t know if I can handle the stress anymore. This past year, I’ve been so tense all the time. I don’t know if my parents are going to find out that I don’t actually have a wife. I fee so pressured for taking over the casino and the hotel, I don’t even care about it. And most of all, I feel horrible for wanting my dad to die. I really wished that things were different. I don’t want my father to die, but he and my mom is giving me no choice but to wish for it. And I feel so bad for it,” Guanheng poured out. 

Dejun was panicking, Guanheng was clenching his fist, so Dejun took it again, unfolded it and interlocked finger. Guanheng looked up, he was surprised by Dejun’s tenderness. He looked down shyly, but accepted Dejun’s hand of course. He knew what he felt, and Dejun's actions only made it stronger.

Guanheng was in a difficult situation. And Dejun could finally see why Guanheng didn’t tell him. He wasn’t as lucky as Dejun to have a brother to share the pressure of just being a son.

“I’m really sorry about your father, A’hang. But don’t feel guilty over anything. Not about me or about your father. Okay you can feel guilty over not telling me, but not about me coming here. And don’t feel guilty about your father. Humans are complicated, your feelings are complicated. What matters is what you do. And you’ve sacrificed so much for him. You’re a great son. You should know that,” Dejun reassured him, he caressed Guanheng’s head. Stroked his hair.

“But being a good son for my father made me a horrible boyfriend for you. God, I feel like my life in Guangzhou and my life here are like two different dimensions.” Guanheng’s tears calmed down and Dejun helped wiping them off. “A’zeon, thank you for everything.”

“Everything?”

“Yes, everything. For finding me, for giving me another chance.” Dejun smiled, he felt like he truly was on his way of being happy again.

"You know Yukhei called me yesterday. He told me some stuff."

"What stuff?"

"Nothing in particular, except he told me that you called and that you said you hated yourself. Don't hate yourself, Kunhang. And also, you're not a monster. Don't be so hard on yourself."

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Yes, just ask.”

“Can you tell me how you almost died? A little more detailed than yesterday.”

“Are you sure?”

Guanheng nodded.

“Okay, but don’t get too upset. I hate to see you cry.”

“Alright,” Guanheng said, even though he couldn’t guarantee it.

Dejun recalled his memories. "I remembered it was during winter and I was drunk, I walked to the police station to ask where you were. And-," it was hard thinking about it. Those memories were filled with anxiety and fear, it was filled with pain. Even though he was drunk, he remembered it. Thinking about it messed up his brain. It felt suffocating. He started to breath unevenly. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it. 

"What are you doing?"

"What does it look like?" He said and inhaled. It calmed him for a while, it made him feel at ease. 

"Can you not do that please? It's not good for you."

"I don't care."

"Was that how your-" Guanheng stopped himself from saying something that could be triggering. Was that how your addiction started? He was going to ask. But it was best if he didn't mention it. "But I care," he said instead. "My father smoked too much, that's what caused his lung cancer. Please don't smoke. At least not here inside."

Dejun didn't listen, so Guanheng snatched it from his fingers and put it out. "Hey!"

"I said stop. Smoking kills. I don't want you to end up like my father. Promise me you won't smoke again."

"Promise," he scoffed. "I'm sorry but I don't think I can do that."

Right, Guanheng's father had lung cancer. He was dying. Dejun began to think. Think a lot. He had been close to death before. Those days during addiction, he was hurting himself. He drank too much just like Guanheng's father had smoked too much. He could die any day now, it was just a matter of time. And he thought of the possibility of Guanheng disappearing again. Yes, Guanheng was here right now, but when he disappeared they had been on the same bed. Who could assure that Guanheng wouldn't leave again? For all Dejun knew, was that everyone could vanish one day. Promises never worked out before. He thought about those days during rehab, when he woke up in the middle of the night and cried. Those were panic attacks. And he was having one now. 

Dejun's breathing increased as it got harder and harder, and he could feel his heart pounding in his chest. "Kunhang," he called out. Who could tell if he would stay with him? He began to feel dizzy, he couldn't keep his head up.

"What's going on?" Guanheng stood up, but he didn't know what to do. "Should I-"

"Can you hold me?" Dejun breathed out. He didn't have to tell him twice. Guanheng quickly embraced him. And as he put his arms around him, Dejun started to shake. He was weak. He held him tighter. 

Dejun held his arms against his chest and closed his eyes. It was beginning to feel painful, he started to sweat. He leaned on Guanheng and focused on his closeness. But there was too much noise going on, wasn't it supposed to be calmer in a cafe?

"Talk. To. Me." Dejun said. 

"Say what?" Guanheng couldn't panic, not when Dejun was. So he calmed himself. "I'm right here," he said. "It's okay. I'm right here. Deep breaths, Zeon. Deep breaths. In, and out. In, and out."

Dejun started to breath to Guanheng's commando. He grabbed Guanheng's shirt and held onto it tightly.

"Good, keep going. In, and out. You're doing great," Guanheng said. "I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere."

 _Guanheng was right here._ Dejun focused on Guanheng, his voice, telling him he was right here, and his body, his arms holding him tightly. _Guanheng was right here._ He pictured them together in the studio again in the apartment again. The pain slowly went away. Guanheng wasn't going anywhere. His breathing got easier. He opened his eyes. His head had been supported by Guanheng's shoulder, where he found it most comfortable. 

"I'm so sorry, A'zeon. I shouldn't have asked."

Dejun ignored it. "A'han, promise me you won't ever leave me. Doesn't matter if we're friends or more, promise me that you'll always be here with me." He didn't know why he was bringing up promises again. But maybe, he was ready to trust again. 

"Only if you promise not to smoke again." 

Dejun chuckled, "Fine. I guess I'll have no use of cigarettes if I have you."

Guanheng loosened his arms around him and went back to his seat. But Dejun still held onto his hand.

"Can I hold your hand? I'll tell you about the times I almost died. I think I need to talk about it. It'll be easier if...If I'm holding onto you."

"Of course." Guanheng smiled.

"So the first time was because of hypothermia. I was leaving the police station, because I asked if there were any progress with finding you. But I was drunk and the cop pretty much kicked me out. It was cold, and I passed out.

The second time was not long after that. It was in a club. Yangyang wanted me to get over you, and his plan was to do it with the help of strippers. He took me to a club where there were strippers, but it wasn’t a strip club, it’s just a normal club but upstairs are strippers. He payed for a room and a lap dance. This was March last year. I was still an alcoholic. When the woman started to give me a lap dance, I felt a little aroused. But I panicked. I didn’t want her so close to me, I didn’t want a lap dance. I knew I wouldn’t move on like that. According to Yangyang, the woman said that I said, ‘Kunhang, save me’, then I pushed her to the side and went to the bar. I ordered shots and I drank so much that night. More than I could handle. I passed out there. And the woman wanted her money, so she came to find me, but she called an ambulance. I slept for a whole day before I woke up.

They said I almost died. And I had a fallout with my family before that. They said they didn’t want me in their family anymore, because I spent my days in the studio, or your old apartment. All I did before the club was just drinking, sitting in the studio and pretend that you were there with me. I sang and drank. That was it. I was a douche bag, because I was mad at our friends for not being worried about you. I treated our friends like dirt. I stopped participating in Rainbow V. I thought I had no one. I felt so lonely. But when I woke up at the hospital, they all came and visited me. My family, who had said that they didn’t want me anymore. And our friends who I was so mean to. I finally realized that I wasn’t alone. I started to rehab. But I never really got better. I thought I did. I got my job back, and I spent more time with my family. Right, I missed the birth of my niece. I only met her after that club incident. And I spent a lot of time taking care of her. Then I slowly just connected with the world again. I could smile and laugh again. But I still couldn’t stop thinking about you.

The third time I almost died was just a little over a month ago. It was the same day as I got here. I was waiting for Kun and Yukhei at the studio, but they were going to be late due to traffic. So I went to the rooftop and I sat there. Just thought about me. And you. Yukhei had convinced me to believe that you were going to return. But that was a few months before this happened. And I started to lose hope. I stood up at the ledge of the rooftop. It was windy. I closed my eyes and thought, maybe I would see you if I jumped. And I fell, the wind made me lose balance. But Kun and Yukhei caught me, luckily,” Dejun laughed.

“Then they decided to tell me the truth. They told where you were. I got mad of course. I yelled at Yukhei, I screamed at him and scolded him for not telling. I was really mad. But I know he did his best.”

“I am so sorry, Dakzeon. I’m sorry I made you like this, it’s all my fault. I’m sorry for not being there for you.” Guanheng was breaking down. He held Dejun’s hand so tight his knuckles turned white. Holding onto the one part of Dejun that he was given. Dejun’s chest was burning, it was hard for him to see Guanheng like that.

“I told you not to get too upset, Kunhang.” Dejun looked away, he was close to crying too. He took a deep breath. “How can I not? You almost died because of me.”

“You’re right about that, but I’m alive. And I’m here.”

“You’re an angel, A’zeon. Do you know that? I don’t understand why you are treating me so good. You said you were mad at me.”

“I-,” Dejun couldn’t bring himself to say anything, he didn’t know the answer himself. “I know I still care for you… I want what’s best for you. And I know I want to forgive you… and that sooner or later I will. I think I already have, I don't know. Maybe I’m being so kind because…the only way to forgive you is first to understand you.” Dejun nodded when he heard himself say it, it sounded right. It felt right.

“Siu Dakzeon, you are the best.” Dejun managed to calm Guanheng down, and the compliment made his heart jump.

“A’zeon, I actually came back to Guangzhou once,” he said.

“Yeah, I know. After I almost died at the rooftop, I went to your apartment to vent. You neighbor heard me and she told me you were there a few months ago. Are you going to tell me why?”

“Yeah, it was a few days after my birthday. I don’t really know why I went back, but I just felt like I had to. I just wanted to see how it was. And I wanted to see if I would find you there. I don't really know what I would do if you were there, but something would've happened. And I wanted to know how it would be like. How it would be like if I came back and dropped everything here. I saw how clean it looked. You cleaned our- the apartment, right? And I saw the incense burner. I could also smell the remains of it. It was nice.”

“You want to know why I did it?”

Guanheng nodded.

“I...it was really spontaneous, but since I thought you were dead, I decided to kind of, make a memorial of some sorts. A grave. If you ever came back, you’d return to a well-kept place. As a ghost or alive.”

“I did return to a well-kept place. Better than how I left it, at least.”

“Yeah, much better,” Dejun said, subtly praising himself and criticizing Guanheng’s ability to keep his apartment clean. It generated some laughter from them, and they both enjoyed the light-hearted turn the conversation took.

“I miss you,” Dejun then slipped out, and didn’t realize what he said until it was already said. Guanheng was taken by surprise, his cheeks turning into a shade of pink. Dejun felt awkward, saying it was weird, he felt like the last spoken words meant a little more than that. And he felt those words were a little rushed, but maybe it wasn’t. He was confused.

“I miss you too. I’ve missed you since I left you in my apartment.” Dejun blushed now as well. He took a deep breath, he needed to get his nerves together. But through their intertwined hands, thousand electric shots were exchanged. 

“We’ve talked so much that we've barely touched our drinks," Guanheng pointed out. 

"Hah, yeah. Do you want to take a sip from mine?" 

"Sure," he took a sip from the drink that was supposed to be warm, that was now cold. "Tasty. Here, taste mine." 

Dejun did, but wasn't impressed. "I think I like mine better."

Guanheng giggled, "That's alright. Do you know what you should try? Macanese egg tart. Wait here, I'll buy one for you."

"No, A'hang. Wait." 

"What? You don't want one? Come on, you're in Macau, you should try our food."

"It's not that. It's..."

"Oh..." Guanheng slowly understood. "A'zeon, the reason for your panic attack. Was it because...we were talking about death. My father is dying, and you thought I was dead." 

Dejun nodded.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think." Guanheng sank down on his seat again. "I have an idea, follow me." They got up and Guanheng brought him to the stairs. "Look, stay here while I buy one for you, and maybe one for me. You can see me all the time.So you don't have to worry, but you're not exactly with me. I think it's good to practice like this." 

"Okay."

"Okay? Good, then I'll go now. But I'll be back. Don't worry, I promise." Guanheng walked down to the order. Dejun didn't keep his eyes off from him once. Was Dejun always like this? well, he already lost Guanheng once, he wasn't going to lose him again. But maybe he _was_ worrying too much. He shook his head, no. there was no such thing as worrying too much. Not after going though the thing he had been through.

After a while, Guanheng came back. "See, I promised I would be back." Dejun smiled fondly at him, and they returned to their seats again.

Dejun ate the egg tart, and he liked it. "Honestly, I can't tell the difference. But it's still great."

Guanheng chuckled. "So what happens now?" 

“I don’t know, what do you want to do?”

“You’re right…What I do know…Is that I want your forgiveness, and…yeah. I don’t think I have to say it, do I?”

Dejun’s smiled slightly, “No. I know what you want. But I’m still not sure.” Dejun picked up the ring that was on the table, Guanheng’s fake wedding ring. He observed it. “Does your finger feel empty now that you’re not wearing it?”

Guanheng smirked, “No. I feel free without it. That ring is a reminder that my parents are homophobic. It’s a reminder of all the pain I caused you. It reminds me of my stupid mistakes. I only wear it when I’m with my parents.” Dejun didn’t expect those words, he held his breath and put it back on the table. “Should we leave? I think we’ve been here for too long now.” Guanheng agreed.

"Are you going to be okay?" 

"Don't worry, i'll be fine. As long as you are, that is." 

Guanheng scoffed, "I'm fine if you are fine."

The looked at each other one last time and went back to their respective stay. For Dejun, it was a hotel. For Guanheng, it was his parents home, he wasn't sure if he wanted to call it his home.

It was around midnight and Dejun still couldn’t sleep, partly because the bed was incredibly uncomfortable, but mostly because Guanheng was keeping him up. He couldn’t stop thinking of him. His feelings were all over the place. There was nothing more he wanted than Guanheng, and it frustrated him, because he couldn’t forgive just yet. But it frustrated him even more to think that maybe he already had forgiven him. So much had happened that day. They had held hands and he felt his heart flutter, Guanheng had smiled and it made his heart flutter. Guanheng had laughed and it made his heart jump. Guanheng had just been there and it all made his body weak. Guanheng held him and made him feel safe when he had a panic attack. He looked at his guitar and remembered why he brought it with him. So he texted Guanheng to come over to where he was staying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HOPE YOU LIKED THIS. IT'S MY FAVORITE CHAPTER.😭❤❤ I love them so much. They deserve all the love in the world. My Xiaodery heart is so happy right now.
> 
> If you realized a flaw/plothole then proceed to read. But if you didn't realize a flaw then ignore this. Um remember in chapter eight when Dejun almost died on the rooftop? I don't know if you remember but I wrote it was early February but it was supposed to be late January so I changed it now hehehe...... :]


	12. I love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something happens when Guanheng goes to Dejun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY FOR BEING SO SLOW WITH UPDATING. I actually have most of the story done, I only need to finish writing the last chapter and the epilogue, but I'm also rewriting things and changing things to make it better. And that's what's taking time. Because I really want it to be perfect...Or as good as it can be. But I'm never satisfied so it takes a pretty long time for me to finish rewriting things. I'm sorry for keeping you waiting. 
> 
> I really love this chapter so much. It's a close second to Reunion as my favorite chapter. But I don't know.

Dejun heard a knock on the door, so he got up from the bed, feeling extremely nervous. He opened the hotel room for Guanheng, who had taken exactly ten to get there, since he messaged him.

“That was fast, come in,” Dejun said.

Guanheng grinned, “Well I live here. I know the fastest way to get to places.” He walked past Dejun and sat on the only chair in the room. “Is something wrong? Why text me in the middle of the night?” Dejun sat down on the bed, “I couldn’t sleep. That’s all.”

Guanheng nodded slowly, he didn’t know why, but the atmosphere was tense, and he couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable. It was weird, he thought, considering that they had met a few hours ago and were able to talk to each other like friends and eat like friends. Now they couldn’t even look at each other in the eye directly.

“I couldn’t sleep either, to be honest.”

“Yeah, I figured.” Dejun tried hard not to stare at Guanheng, who was now observing the room. Dejun thought maybe that dressing in simple white tee and sweatpants gave Guanheng a hard time looking at him as well. “I know it’s a little messy, I haven’t felt like cleaning.”

“It’s okay, it reminds me of home.”

“What do you mean?” Dejun asked. What Guanheng had said, sounded like he was talking about something that was gone. And he still had a home, right?

“I mean...heh,” Guanheng laughed, “I meant my own apartment, our…old home.”

Dejun swallowed, “Oh. Okay.” He grabbed his guitar, “I uh, there’s another reason why I wanted you to come over,” he said. He adjusted himself on the bed to play the guitar, as he was getting more nervous for each second.

“You want to sing for me?”

“Yeah, actually, can you sit over there?” He pointed to the foot of the bed. He wanted Guanheng to be closer to him when he sang.

“Okay,” Guanheng said, obeying Dejun willingly. He took off his shoes and sat with crossed legs.

Dejun took a deep breath. It felt like déjà vu, and it did for both of them. It felt like the time Dejun confessed with a song he had written. Dejun had been nervous and trembling, butterflies flying around.

Guanheng had been curious and had no expectations but extremely nervous as well, because Dejun’s nervousness was contagious.

“Do you remember what we talked about before you left? You wanted to read my notebook, and you guesses what was written in it. You were right. This is the song I wrote for you. For your 22nd birthday.” Dejun laughed at the thought, “I think I’m a little late. It was for your 22nd birthday and you’re going to turn 24 this year.” He smiled pitifully.

“I’m-“

“It’s okay,” Dejun said, cutting Guanheng off, “I know you’re sorry. You don’t have to say it, I mean it.”

Guanheng felt like he had hurt Dejun over and over again, and as he spent more time with Dejun, he found out that that the mistake was bigger than he thought it would. He felt ashamed and sorry, but Dejun was so kind, and he couldn’t help but love him even more.

“Okay, I’m going to sing now. Listen carefully.”

Happy Birthday Kunhang  
I could buy you a thousand things  
But that wouldn't be enough to express my love for you  
Instead I'll pour my heart out for you  
Until I empty it, and give you my bones  
I'll hand you my soul in trust  
Anyone but you would be a sin  
And I'm yours, not a sinner  
However, you own me, so for you I would sin a thousand times  
Just say it and I'll do it  
Loyalty, honesty, trust and love is what I offer you  
I'll stand by you until the very end  
I see you everywhere, and in every time  
I'll be your protector against all odds  
Even if you hurt me, I'll be ready to heal you  
Because you are everything I need  
Without realizing, you enslave me

This time, Dejun didn't want to write a song with an obvious structure with verse, chorus, verse chorus, bridge etc. He wrote it as a poem instead, and composed a melody to it. It gave more freedom and he liked the idea of a song that was like a story, as if he's singing his thoughts out loud. And Guanheng listened to his train of thoughts. 

Dejun finished the song with his heartbeat slowing down, he did it. He finally gave his birthday gift to Guanheng. 

Guanheng was baffled, his heart beating from hearing Dejun’s voice sing again, hearing the lyrics. The lyrics were dark, he thought. It scared him, how Dejun put his love into words. It scared him because they felt so real. Even though Dejun initially just wanted to express how much he loved him, they had been scarily real. But Guanheng didn't want to be scared. “Do you still feel that way?” He was going to go insane if he didn't do something about his pounding heart.

Dejun felt like all his anger ceased to exist, how could he continue to be mad at Guanheng? All his actions today, was just proving the opposite. He wasn’t angry anymore. And just like Guanheng, he felt like the song was so realistic. Yes, at the beginning he only wrote what came into mind to express his love. But now, after everything that had happened, they were scarily fitting to their situation.

He put down his guitar on the floor. He started fidgeting, mirroring Guanheng, “I didn’t think I did. I thought I lost all my feelings for you, but now that you’re here, and we’re here together…I think I still do. Or maybe I’ve fallen for you again,” he held his breath without noticing, and he didn’t notice Guanheng moving closer to him either.

“Then…if you do love me,” Guanheng said as he leaned in, Dejun gulped. “You wouldn’t mind if I did this, right?” Guanheng said and kissed him.

Dejun gasped, for air but also at Guanheng’s kiss, his warm, soft, and gentle lips against his. Dejun kissed him back. Happiness came like a familiar friend. And as they let the kiss continue, he wanted more. Dejun's chest was burning, like Guanheng's that had been for a while. 

He put his hand around Guanheng’s neck as he entered his lap, and Guanheng happily welcomed him, his hand on Dejun's thigh and the other went around the waist. Guanheng felt like he could breath again, kissing the one he wanted. He pulled Dejun closer and slipped his tongue in Dejun’s mouth, tasting him more. Their heartbeats increased, and their breaths started to get heavier. 

After having made out for a while, they took a short break to breath and to look at each other. They both knew what the other wanted. "Does this mean you’ve forgiven me?” Guanheng asked.

“Definitely.” But there were no time for words, and they soon entered a physical conversation, silent but yet so loud. “Take off your jacket,” Dejun growled. They both took off their shirts and threw it on the floor. Completely bare at the top, they couldn't help but stare at each other for a while. Both of them had lost weight due to stress and anxiety, making both of them look pretty scrawny.

Then, Dejun noticed the green spheres around his wrist. It was his bracelet. The bracelet the Guanheng have him on his 21st birthday. "I think you’re wearing something that belongs to me,” he said.

“Really? Last time you saw it, you threw it away and shouted you didn’t want it anymore. You even said to me to give it to someone else.”

Dejun chuckled, good for him that he didn’t that someone’s name. “It’s still mine,” Dejun said.

“It has my name on it,” Guanheng said.

“Exactly,” Dejun said. “Mine.” He kissed the wrist and bracelet, making Guanheng blush.

Dejun pushed Guanheng down, took his hands and held them by Guanheng’s head. Had him trapped beneath him. They kissed each other deeply, to absorb the other’s presence, it was all they could get, for all they knew. Dejun pulled away and looked at Guanheng, who looked at him with intense eyes. They stared at each other for a while. Guanheng's dark locks were a little messy, his pink lips, flushed cheeks, and those beautiful black orbs staring right at him. 

"You’re so beautiful.” Dejun said, because he really thought Guanheng was.

Guanheng chuckled, “Thank you, you should see yourself.”

Dejun pressed his lips on Guanheng’s. Getting aggressive, hungry for more. His hands traveled all around Guanheng's body, the body that he couldn't touch for a long time, while Guanheng wrapped his arms around Dejun, touched his hair and caressed his back. Dejun stroked Guanheng’s nipples, which made him moan slightly. Guanheng slid his hand down to Dejun’s ass and squeezed it. Dejun whimpered. He quickly left Guanheng on the bed, who sat up as a reaction to the emptiness Dejun left him with, but he soon returned with a string.

Dejun smirked, “It’s time for your punishment, Wong Kunhang,” he said and held it up. He crawled up to Guanheng again between his legs. He took his chin and kissed deeply but it didn’t last long. “Give me your hands,” Dejun ordered. Guanheng did as told

“You want to tie me up?,” Guanheng said. But Dejun didn’t listen, he smirked and pushed him to his back again. He grabbed Guanheng’s hands and placed them above his head, then he noticed the green sphere’s around his wrist. 

Dejun tied his hands by the headboard of the bed. “Your punishment, Kunhang. You’re not allowed to use your hands.”

“Why? You don't want me to touch you?” He asked.

Dejun smiled, “Of course I want you to, but it's your punishment. You haven't touched me for a long time, because you left, so...it just makes sense for me.” Dejun tied a knot, and then made a bow prettily. He also blindfolded him with his t-shirt, “No looking as well.” Guanheng whined but submitted under Dejun’s control. It was better, ten times better, than his parents’ control.

Dejun then took off his t-shirt and quickly went back to kiss Guanheng again, bit his lip, sucked his tongue, and licked his teeth. Then he moved on to the jaw, down to the neck. He caressed his inner thigh at the same time. Making Guanheng hum with pleasure, as blood rushed to his loins. It was ironic how his hands were tied, but he had never felt so free.

After being pressured by his parents, continuously following their orders, he finally felt like he was free, and did what he wanted to do. He wrapped his legs around Dejun’s waist, as it was the only thing he could do.

Dejun was now sucking his nipples, erecting them. And rubbing his crotch, but only teasingly. He touched his crotch, but then stopped, and then did it again. It made it hard for Guanheng to keep his legs still, but they ended up clinging onto Dejun’s legs instead. “Stop playing around, _please_.”

“Getting a little impatient now, are we?” Dejun grinned, “No can do,” he said. Dejun proceeded to mark Guanheng’s body instead, leaving hickeys all over.

“You’re so hot,” Guanheng whined. All the powerless Guanheng could do was to moan.

Then, Dejun stuck his finger in his asshole, gently penetrated him in.

Guanheng groaned. “Aah-A’ _zeon_!” Dejun rubbed his inside, vibrated his finger inside. Then added another finger. And another. Dejun kept fingering him, generating moans from Guanheng’s lips. Hearing him moan again, was like hearing an old song he hadn’t heard in a long time, one that used to be his favorite.

He felt his own sweatpants getting a little tight. “You sound so amazing baby. You’re doing a great job opening up for me.”

Guanheng whimpered, “Just fuck me already!” Guanheng was fighting to break free from the knot.

Dejun leaned into Guanheng’s ear, “I’ll do it because you asked so nicely,” he whispered teasingly and sensually. “But, since there's no lube, you'll have to suck me and make me wet with your spit.” Dejun said. He was already more turned on than he wanted to admit, but he didn’t have to care, since Guanheng was perfectly blindfolded.

He pulled out his fingers, which made Guanheng gasp, suddenly feeling so empty; from being filled up with Dejun’s fingers to having nothing inside. Dejun quickly took of his remaining clothes on him. His dick was already hard and erected, but it still needed Guanheng to do thing with it with his mouth.

"Zeon, did you think things through? How am I gonna suck you while lying down?" He asked aggressively. 

"You can just sit up, right? Just turn around and then your arms won't be in the way."

Guanheng did, he rolled on his stomach and got up, but his back was now facing Dejun. So Dejun quickly got in between his arms and pushed Guanheng's head down to his cock. "Suck," he demanded.

Guanheng did, with his mouth and tongue, he did all he could to make Dejun as hard and wet as possible. He licked the head and then took as much of it in his mouth, started to suck and bobb his head up and down hungrily. Dejun moaned but covered his mouth, he didn't want to show any weakness.

With his hands tied, Guanheng could only work on the uppef half, but it was alright for Dejun, because he didn't want to be close to coming, in Guanheng's mouth. He wanted to fuck Guanheng, and with the latter's mouth working on his dick, he started leaking precum, it would sub perfectly for the lube that they didn't have, alon with Guanhen'g dripping drool and spit. 

Guanheng stroked hid dick with his teeth, it drove Dejun insane, "Oh _god_ ," he moaned out, and Guanheng was more than happy to finally hear him moan.

"Okay, I can go in now," Dejun announced. He moved away, letting Guanheng lay flat again. 

Then, Dejun then thrusted in, Guanheng moaned loudly, but Dejun suppressed his moans. He kept thrusting in, each time a little deeper, each time a little faster and each time a little harder. Being inside Guanheng was a whole another world, one that had warmth, one that wasn’t filled with pain, only pleasure.

It was getting more intense when Dejun hit his prostate. His breathing was now unsteady, and he couldn't surpress his moans any longer. But compared to Guanheng, it was nothing. Guanheng was moaning as if his life depended on it and gasped for air in between.

Dejun then began to massage Guanheng’s balls and with his other hand gripped the base of the dick. As Dejun’s went in and out with his dick in Guanheng’s hole, his hand rubbed Guanheng’s dick up and down, and he felt the precum leaking.

Guanheng could barely hold himself up anymore, his knees felt weak, and his body was shaking from overstimulation, he fought to free his hands from the knot. “A-A’zeon,” Guanheng stammered.

Dejun smirked, “What's my whole name?”

“S-S. Siu. _Siu Dakzeon!_ ” Guanheng moaned, “I’m close!” Guanheng shouted.

“Me too,” Dejun answered.

Guanheng arched his back, “A’zeon! I’m _so_ close.” The bed was shaking from Dejun’s violent movements, Guanheng finally broke the string, he removed the blindfold and looked at Dejun. He looked like an angel. A dirty angel sinning for him, giving him love. Filling him up. Seeing Dejun took his breath away.

He locked eyes with him, and it felt like everything would be alright, that Dejun was his, that no matter what, Dejun would protect him and heal him, just like the lyrics he wrote for him.

Dejun kept pushing in until both of them came. Dejun came inside Guanheng, while Guanheng came all over the sheet. Dejun pulled out and fell on his back, he breathed out. His speeding heart slowing down, his body relaxing. Guanheng was now also relaxing, taking a break from the intensity a few seconds ago.

“You are deadly,” Guanheng said. Before Dejun could answer, he climbed on top of Dejun and kissed him hard.

Guanheng was ready for another round, “My turn,” he said and continued to kiss him. He licked his ear and sucked on his neck. His hands traveled all around Dejun, finally being able to touch him like he wanted. He breathed him in, inhaled his scent, he kissed him again. He started to rub Dejun’s crotch, Dejun moaned.

“You like that, baby?” Guanheng looked at Dejun’s eyes daringly.

Dejun blushed but smirked, and he grabbed Guanheng’s dick and started to rub. Guanheng knew Dejun’s body well, everything he did was exactly what Dejun craved for, just like Dejun knew and did to Guanheng. Guanheng wanted to fuck Dejun and give him back ten times the pleasure he had just recieved, but he was impatient. 

“You’re doing so good,” he said.

“Baby, don’t stop,” Dejun whined.

“I’d be dumb if I did,” he laughed. He had had his fingers inside Dejun but now he pulled them out.

Dejun squeezed both his butt cheeks, “Get inside me, _now_.”

Guanheng whimpered and did as he was told, he thrust himself inside Dejun, the so hungry Dejun. They let out load moans as it went inside. Dejun clenched onto Guanheng’s shoulder and back, his legs went around his waist.

There was no lube, and he didn't get Dejun's spit, but the precum leaking did the job. Guanheng grinded in deeper and deeper, harder, and harder. Hitting Dejun’s prostate each time. Dejun moaned loudly, even louder than Guanheng.

“ _Oh my god! A’hang, A-hng!_ “ He could barely talk, he pierced his nails into Guanheng’s back.

“So tight, so good,” Guanheng let out. He thrusted faster and faster, the intensity going through the roof.

Dejun scratched Guanheng’s back, making him groan. “Dakzeon!” He hissed. But nevertheless, he continued to thrust in, going in and out. And in the moment, they stared into each other’s eyes, Dejun felt like there was an angel in front of him. Not an angel, a celestial being.

Guanheng looked ethereal, he was glowing. They had eye contact, and Dejun felt like all his pain was erased. Feeling like their souls connected again. Like he wanted nothing more than to love Guanheng for all his life. 

“I’m coming!” Dejun shouted and arched his back, still holding onto Guanheng. He threw his head back. Then he came, the white liquid pouring out onto his stomach. Guanheng came right after inside, he pulled out and fell beside Dejun, panting.

They lied there for a while, steadying their breaths.

Dejun looked at Guanheng, “Who are you calling deadly?” He breathed out, “ _Y_ _ou_ are deadly,” he laughed. He took his hand in his.

“That was amazing, I missed this so much. I’ve been dreaming about this ever since I left,” Guanheng said.

“I think I’m in heaven,” Dejun whispered, he closed his eyes. Guanheng rolled himself onto of Dejun, making him open his eyes again.

“Hi,” Guanheng chuckled.

Dejun mirrored him, “Hi,” and chuckled.

Guanheng put his forehead on Dejun’s. “Thank you, he said.

“For what?”

“For finding me, for never letting me go. I feel _so_ happy right now. So free. Just thank you for loving me so much. I really don’t deserve you.”

Dejun stared at him lovingly, his messy hair, plump lips, pink cheeks, and deep eyes. “Why do you think you don’t deserve me? You know what, it doesn’t matter if you deserve me or not. I still want you.”

Guanheng kissed him, not to for arousal, but for expressing his gratitude and love. Dejun kissed back the soft lips on his, tasting them again as if he hadn’t kissed him a while ago, as if it was the first time all over again. His hands were on Guanheng’s neck and face, he pressed his head closer down to his. Guanheng’s whole body lied pressed on Dejun’s, he had his arms under Dejun’s head. They made out for a while, until their lips were too tired.

“I don’t want this night to end,” Dejun said.

“Me neither.”

“What are we going to do? Your parents, they-“

“I don’t want to talk about it right now. If tonight is all we have, then let’s not talk about them. We’ll do it tomorrow. Right now, I just want to be happy with you, let’s pretend that there is no time, and that tomorrow is never gonna come.”

“Okay, that sounds good. But, don't you have to go back?”

"Are you kidding me? I can't leave you here all alone now, I don't want to either." 

It made Dejun's heart fill with warmth, he chose him over his parents now. At least now. But it made him feel much better, that this wasn't just a bootycall. They were finally together again, they didn't have to say it, it was ovious that they were back together agian. 

Dejun smiled bashfully, “Did you have sex when you were gone?”

Guanheng shook his head, “No. Never. I only thought about you. I sometimes masturbated thinking about you, but I stopped because my parents heard me once. It was horrible.”

Dejun laughed, “That’s so embarrassing!”

“Yeah, imagine how the conversation went like. The morning after, they didn’t even dare to look at me! I was like, ‘good morning,’ and they said it back but didn’t look at me,” Guanheng demonstrated how they did. “I asked them what was wrong, and they still didn’t look at me. They looked at each other and they were seriously talking to each other without saying anything. None of them wanted to ask me. But at the end, my mom asked me. She said that if I were going to please myself then I could do it a little quieter, but she also urged me to find a girlfriend so I didn’t have to do it alone…”

Dejun laughed, “God, I feel bad for you honey.”

Guanheng blushed, “Honey,” he repeated.

“What?”

“You called me honey,” Guanheng said.

“Oh, right. I did,” Dejun said. He hadn’t realized it when he said it, always a little absentminded whenever Guanheng was around, he couldn’t help it. He was always so mesmerized by Guanheng so he wouldn’t realize what he himself was doing. “But you are my honey, right?”

“Yes, yes I am!” He said and kissed him. “So…did you have sex when I was gone?” Guanheng asked shyly, he felt like he was Dejun’s but was Dejun his?

“No, I tried to. But all I could think of was you. It felt wrong. So I stopped.”

“You stopped? So you were close to doing it?” Dejun nodded.

“Yangyang thought that it might help getting over you, he wanted me to just find a girl and hook up, I tried that. It never happened. I didn’t want to do it because it would be like betraying you. All I did was focus on getting my broken heart fixed.”

Guanheng was speechless. He moved away from Dejun so his head was above Dejun’s chest. “I’m sorry, Dejun’s heart. I’ll try not to break you again,” and he kissed his chest, where his heart would be. He ended up sucking and leaving a hickey. His whole behavior made Dejun laugh.

Guanheng sighed and hit himself, “Stupid, stupid, _stupid me!_ ”

“Hey, stop it!” Dejun quickly grabbed Guanheng’s hand and held it tightly so he wouldn’t hit himself again. He spotted the bracelet, “Wong Kunhang,” he read out loud.

Guanheng opened his eyes, he saw what Dejun was looking at, “Do you want it back?” He took it off without getting an answer, he knew Dejun would say yes.

“Thank you,” Dejun said and put it on, he felt safe again. “Of course, it’s yours, so you should have it.”

Dejun smiled and nodded, “Look, my heart is okay now, there's even a band-aid," Dejun said, referring to the hickey Guanheng just left. "You’re forgiven.”

“I’m really forgiven?”

“What do you think? We just fucked each other like rabbits and now you’re lying on top of me completely naked. Of course you’re forgiven.” Dejun pushed himself up and kissed him on the forehead, “And also, I think this is the best sex we’ve ever had.”

“I definitely agree,” Guanheng said and crawled forward, he nudged his nose on Dejun. “Do you think we were too loud? Even the bed was shaking,” Guanheng asked.

“I don’t know. I don’t think so, wouldn’t there had been a knock on the door? Or something. I guess we’ll know tomorrow.”

Guanheng sniggered, “Yeah…probably. I think the lack of physical contact and pleasure had really killed me, I’ve been so stressed and my body was really tired and tense all the time. Now I feel so light, like I’m floating, or lying on clouds.”

Dejun smiled, “That’s good,” then he gasped, “How’s your back? I’m sorry for scratching you.” Dejun leaned over his shoulder, he saw red marks all over, but it wasn’t too bad.

“Relax, I’m fine. It didn’t hurt.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, don’t worry,” Guanheng said.

“Okay, I’ll believe you.”

Dejun turned around and placed the other pillow on his and leaned back, Guanheng rested his head on his shoulder.

“I don’t want to sleep, but I’m tired,” Guanheng said.

“Let’s be awake then,” Dejun caressed Guanheng’s back and arms, gently and lovingly, without arousing any sexual desires.

It was comfortable lying like that in silence. There was nothing that had to be spoken, nothing that they wanted to at least. They had to discuss how they were going to deal with Guanheng’s parents, but none of them wanted to ruin the night.

Guanheng felt like he was back in Guangzhou in his apartment, like he was back in the utopia they lived in one and a half year ago. Without any worries. He was close to crying because he knew that this night wouldn’t last forever.

“I love you, A’zeon,” he said. He looked into Dejun’s eyes. “I love you,” he repeated.

Dejun’s face lit up, “I know. I love you too.”

Guanheng beamed, he dipped down and kissed him once again. A desperate kiss for Dejun’s love, and Dejun reciprocated.

“A’hang,” he laughed between the kisses. “I love you, alright? I don’t have to kiss you for you to know that.”

Guanheng pulled away, “Okay.”

“But you’re sure giving me a reason to be awake,” Dejun laughed, “I was about to fall asleep.”

“Me too.” But Guanheng had an idea to keep them awake. “Let’s dance,” he said.

He got up and pulled Dejun from the bed, with his eyes stuck on his. Dejun let him be controlled. He placed his hands on Guanheng’s hips, and Guanheng put his on Dejun’s waist. Then they started to dance, their steps tiny and slow. They moved their bodies in sync, just feeling each other move.

“There’s no music,” Dejun pointed out.

“Aren't you an artist? Sing,” Guanheng said.

Dejun smiled, “Okay.” He thought for a while, and then sang. “And darling I will be loving you ‘til we’re 70, and baby my heart could still fall as hard at 23.”

Guanheng let out a chuckle and then joined in.

“And I’m thinking ‘bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe just the touch of a hand.” Guanheng twirled Dejun.

“Oh me I fall in love with you every single day, and I just wanna tell you I am. So honey now, take me into your loving arms.” They wrapped their arms around the other and got closer, their foreheads rested on each other.

They closed their eyes, and sang, “Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars, place your head on my beating heart. I’m thinking out loud, maybe we found love right where we are.” Dejun felt like he was in heaven. He just had made love with the one he loved, and they were now dancing naked together to their own singing. Guanheng felt like he had won the lottery, despite his mistake, Dejun loved him and took him back.

There was no one else that could make Guanheng feel so loved, not even his family. And in that moment, life was great. 

They continued to move in rhythm, humming different melodies to make it a little more exciting.

“I miss dancing, I had no chance of dancing here.”

“You’re dancing now,” Dejun said, “You’ve succeeded.”

Guanheng agreed, he did succeed. He finally danced, but of course, he felt like he had succeeded because he got Dejun back. “Yeah, I have succeeded.”

It was getting late, too late. Both of them had their eyes closed and stopped humming. They moved their bodies, but barely.

“Should we sleep?” Dejun asked.

“Maybe, but I don’t want to.”

“Me neither.” Dejun attempted to wake them up by singing a song again. “Te bie de ai gei te bie de ni,” he sang.

Guanheng joined again. ”Wo de ji mo tiao bu guo ni de yan jing.”

When they finished the song, they were practically asleep. “We should really go to sleep now.”

“But-“

“No buts, A’hang. I want to sleep with you. I haven’t had a good night sleep for days, and I don’t think you’ve had it either.”

“So you’re saying this is going to be a good night sleep?”

“Definitely.”

“Alright.” They got into the bed and under the blanket.

“Hold me tight,” Dejun said.

“You don’t have to tell me twice.”

“Don’t let go.”

“I won’t.”

“Don’t leave me again.”

“Never. Goodnight, A’zeon.”

“Goodnight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH AND I LOVE THEM😭😭❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
> 
> AND i'M FINALLY DONE WITH THIS CHAPTER. PHEW. I worked on this for soo long these past few days. I really wanted it to be perfect. But I don't know if it turned out as I hoped. But I think I'm finally satisfied. I'm sorry for keeping you waiting for so long. But I hope you like this!! 
> 
> And the lines "let's pretend that there's no time, and that tomorrow is never gonna come" is inspired by Zayn's song Tonight.


	13. Wife her down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After having some good time for themselves, they discuss some serious matters, and decides that Guanheng needs to get rid of his fake wife.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY IT'S BEEN MORE THAN A WEEK SINCE THE LAST UPDATE 😖😭😭😭 
> 
> But I hope you like this chapter!! It was done but I changed it because I thought I could rewrite it and make it better because I realized that there was so many unnecessary scenes. 
> 
> Weee at first when I started this story I thought that this would be the last chapter and it would be happily ever after. But then I decided to make it longer and a little more interesting. I guess.
> 
> I hope you like it! Enjoy!!

Guanheng woke up first, he found himself under a thick white blanket, he blinked a few times and stretched, then looked at the person next to him. Dejun was lying next to him, still sleeping soundly, like a child. He mulled over whether to wake him or not, but then decided to let him sleep for a little longer. It was still early, the sun was barely up. He put his arms around Dejun and fell asleep again.

After a few hours, the sun stood high in the sky, shining lights through the window, waking Dejun up. He noticed arms around him, he turned to look at the person they belonged to. Guanheng. He exhaled and smiled. He didn’t leave, and remembered what had happened yesterday, the words they had said. He put his hands on Guanheng’s cheek.

He opened his eyes and blinked, “A’zeon,” he smiled, “You're awake.”

Dejun chuckled, “Yeah, I am. Good morning”

“Good morning,” he gazed at him, "Did you sleep well?"

“I did, must be because of your comfortable arms. It's definitely not the bed.” Dejun said.

Guanheng pulled him closer, “I agree, the bed is horrible,” he smiled.

Then, a phone rang.

"Your phone is ringing," Dejun said.

The ringing sounded muffled, and it didn't come from the nightstand where Dejun's phone was. Guanheng unwillingly pulled himself up and fished his phone out from the pocket of his jacket. It was his mother. And he also saw what time it was.

"Shit!" He quickly accepted the call and placed it on his ear, only to hear his mother screaming.

"Wong Kunhang! Where are you!? Where have you been!? Do you know what time it is!?"

"Yes," he said as he placed the phone further away from his ear.

"Then you should know where you should be right now and what you should be doing."

"Yes."

"Then why are you not here!? What are you up to?"

"I had some important things to do!"

"What could be more important than your education? Do you know what you've done!? You missed two classes already! How are you going to catch up?" 

"I don't care! I mean, I'm sorry, but Dakzeon had some problems and I had to help him."

"What problems? Was it so urgent that you had to skip school?"

"Yes, mom. Some things are more important and urgent than my education. He had problems with his hotel. So I'm helping him out," he quickly lied.

"Fine, but come back as soon as possible. Don't make me wait." She hung up.

Guanheng breathed out. "She's pissed," he said. Seeing Dejun dressed already, he quickly got dressed too. 

Dejun who had dressed himself also listened to their conversation, it was hard to ignore. Dejun understood, he could tell that Guanheng was stressing out. Dejun realized how Guanheng had had it the past year and a half. Constantly being controlled by his mother. Not being able to speak out of turn, saying what he thinks unless it’s the same as his parents, not being able express himself freely and doing whatever he wanted, only doing the things he was told to. "You should go."

"What?"

"You should go, it's Monday. You have classes. She's worried, you should go." 

"But I can't do that. I can't leave you alone. And I don't want to go."

Dejun didn't say something for a few seconds, but then said, "I think last night was a mistake."

"Why do you say that?"

"It was a mistake, sleeping with each other. We shouldn't have done that so wuickly. It was impulsive and, and...a mistake. It shouldn't have happened so soon, at least."

"I'm sorry, A'zeon. I shouldn't have kissed you."

"Well I kissed you back, and it was me who did all those things to you first. It's not completely your fault. And I invited you over, and now it's causing trouble for you."

"But it's okay."

Dejun sighed, "A'hang, I don't want to get my hopes up, and I don't want to get too attached again if things doesn't turn out the way we want. Let's not jump into a relationship so soon..."

"I...Okay. That probably is for the best..."

They stayed silent for a while. 

"Kunhang, what do you plan to do?"

"I don't know, I'll figure something out. I promise, but right now, I don't know. I need time to think. How about I take you to another hotel for now?"

"Switch hotel? I'm running out of money, and I was thinking of going back to Guangzhou soon."

"Go back?" Guanheng said with fear.

"Yeah, and I want you to go back with me," Dejun said truthfully. 

"I...I want to. But it won't be that easy, A'zeon. I have things I need to take care of here."

"Then what about you? You're clearly not happy here."

Not getting a response, Dejun sighed. Neither of them knew what they wanted to do, all they knew was that they loved each other.

"Let's pack your things, I'll take you to a better place."

"What do you mean a better place? I'm running out of money, I can only afford to be in this shitty hotel for a few more days."

"Have you forgotten? I'm rich."

"But you can't pay."

"Why not? You're here for me, and think about all the money you spent looking for me. It's the least I can do to make it up to you," Guanheng argued. With that, he made Dejun speechless.

Dejun started to pack the things and clean the room that he had stayed in for more than a week. He was happy to leave the place, but he didn't want to leave just to go to another hotel. He wanted to go home.

"What's this?" Guanheng asked.

"What?" Dejun walked over and looked at what Guanheng was holding. It was the maps he used to find Guanheng, and all the sticky notes were still there. 

"Maps, obviously," Dejun answered bitterly.

But Guanheng saw what was written on them, the notes and the scribbles. His heart felt a little heavy, so this was how Dejun had found him. "Thank you," was all he said. He didn't look him in the eye when he said it. But Dejun still knew he meant it.

Guanheng threw them in the trash can, along with other trash that Dejun had been too lazy to throw. Dejun folded his clothes and packed his suitcase. Then they left the hotel.

"Where are you taking me?"

"You'll see." 

"Why can't you just tell me?" 

"Because...I don't want to. Just be patient."

"Patient? Is that what you wanted me to be when you left me?" 

"You said you forgave me."

"Yeah, I'm just joking."

The hotel Guanheng brought Dejun to was not too far away, it took only fifteen minutes to get there. Guanheng pulled the suitcase while Dejun had his guitar on his back. After a while of not talking and only walking, they reached the hotel. It was a five-star hotel, a high building reaching up for the sky.

"Is this it?" Dejun asked.

"Mhm, come on."

Dejun followed inside, his jaw dropped. It was 

The lobby’s ceiling was five floors up, and a giant chandelier was hanging down, lighting up the whole lobby with golden light. In the middle was a fountain with a statue and a piano. The floor and walls were in white marble, decorated in golden details. On the sides were two wide staircases going up to the first floor, which was supported by pillars. The first floor was where the restaurant was, and he could see a bunch of people eating lunch, probably. Between the pillars were white roses in golden vases.

Dejun was confused, why did Guanheng bring him here? “Kunhang, this is a little too much,” he whispered and pulled Guanheng’s arm.

“Don’t worry, it’s cheaper than it looks. Just wait here, give me your passport.” Guanheng left him by the fountain while he went to the reception that was right under the restaurant. Why did Guanheng tell him to wait here? Dejun thought, was it because he didn’t want him to see the price?

Dejun looked around, he was visibly uncomfortable being standing there idly by the fountain. It was beautiful, he thought, and maybe despite being uncomfortable, he liked it. After being stuck in a cheap room that could barely be called a hotel, he could get used to a beautiful five-star hotel with a comfortable bed and hot water. And hopefully good food.

Guanheng returned and smiled, he held a card, the key to the room. “Follow me,” he said. Guanheng took Dejun’s suitcase and led him to the elevators.

Dejun was quiet until they went inside the lift. “Kunhang, a simple hotel with comfortable bed would’ve worked, it didn’t have to be this…heavenly.”

Guanheng snorted, “heavenly.”

Dejun hit him. “Ow,” he laughed. “A’zeon, this is the cheapest we could’ve gone with.”

“What do you mean?”

Guanheng smirked, “My father owns this place, and one day, it’s going to be mine.”

Dejun was stunned, speechless, his jaw dropped again. “So, I’m here for free?”

“Yes.”

Dejun was slightly scared, he thought about the consequences of living here for free, but since Guanheng was the son of the owner, there wouldn't be any consequences, right?

He looked out through the glass; they were still going up. Were they going to the top floor? Dejun guessed right. Guanheng took his wrist and pulled him out of the elevator because his legs wouldn’t move. He was led through a corridor and then arrived the end, the last door.

Guanheng unlocked the door, “After you, my love,” he said playfully and bowed. Dejun laughed awkwardly upon hearing 'my love'. He escaped inside with his guitar and suitcase. Inside was breathtakingly beautiful. It wasn’t the typical hotel where the bathroom was right beside the narrow hall, instead, he walked into a living room. It was a suite.

Dejun walked around to take a look. It had a small open kitchen in the living room, with couch, a sofa, a little dining area, just like a normal home. It also had a working desk. The windows were floor length, with velvet curtains. The ligths were all golden and looked regal. He went through a room and found the bathroom. It was a big fancy bathroom with a big bathtub and big windows, colored in golden and marble stones. There was another room, a walk in closet. And then the bedroom, in the center was a king size bed, around it were decorations, making it look untouchable. Two of the walls were all window, letting lights from outside light up the room. 

"Do you like it? It's our best suite," Guanheng said.

"I uh..." Dejun began. The suite was bigger than his apartment he had lived in with his family, and it was bigger than Guanheng's apartment. Coming here and all of a sudden living here, a dazzling suite for free was a little over the top. "It's nice. Really nice."

"I know it's a little different, but it's comfortable. You won't be disturbed here, the walls are soundproof and there aren't any bugs here."

"Thanks, I think I'll be fine here."

"Good..." Guanheng 

Dejun continued to inspect the suite, he found a door out to a balcony. He slid open the door and stepped outside. The wind blew on his face, he was far up indeed. He went near the railing and looked down. It was far up and he could barely see the peoples faces. He looked out, and Macau was beautiful, he realized. Before, he had only seen peoples houses, he had gotten sick of it. Gotten sick of Macau, but now he realized that it was beautiful.

He watched the small city, and he wondered if he was facing the east or the west. Or north or south. Guanheng suddenly appeared right beside him, he glanced at him, he thought about all he had done to find Guanheng. He didn't know what they would be or what would've happened when he found him, but he didn't expect things to turn out like this, so hard. Things were hard, he found Guanheng but they were still not together, and that's what he wanted, what they both wanted. 

Guanheng looked at the view, so Dejun did the same. But standing so far up with the wind blowing, suddenly brought some memories back.

"Shit," he quickly went inside where he was safe. He sat down on the couch with crossed arms, head low.

Guanheng followed after, "What's wrong?" he asked and squatted down in front of him. He placed his hand on his knee.

"Nothing, just...It just felt like I was going to fall down."

"It's okay. You're safe. You won't fall. I promise. You don't have to go out there again," Guanheng said hurriedly. 

"Mhm."

"Are you okay with being here?" 

"I am. I just wish things...never mind."

Guanheng got up and awkwardly sat himself on the couch, he left some space between him and Dejun, not wanting to sit too close. He then spoke, "I know what I'll do."

Dejun turned to him, "Do what?"

"I know what I need to do. I'll end it. End my fake marriage and tell my parents the truth. I knew it wouldn't go on forever anyway. I know I can't tell them everything at once, but I'll tell them today. Okay?"

Dejun looked dumbfounded at Guanheng, his mouth gaped. "Are you sure?" 

"Yes, I knew I had to tell my mom sooner or later, why not now. And why not tell my dad the truth too."

"...Okay. As long as you're sure," Dejun smiled. He then got into a good mood. "I'm hungry."

Guanheng chuckled, "Yeah, me too. I'll call for food. And I'll call Ziyan too. We can meet her and discuss things after we've eaten, is that okay?"

"Sure."

Guanheng went to the working desk where the phone was, he ordered some food up to their room, and then called Ziyan. They decided to meet in two hours at the lobby.

Those two hours went by fast, the food got delivered pretty fast and they ate their first meal of the day. Then they went down to the lobby where Guanheng and Ziyan had agreed to meet.

They found her sitting in one of the sitting areas. She got up and greeted Guanheng with a hug, it made Dejun's chest burn. But he managed to smile and shake her hand. "Hi, again," he said awkwardly. 

They sat down. 

"You've met, but none of you met the real person that day. So, please pretend that this is your first time meeting each other," Guanheng said.

"It'll probably be the only time we meet then," Dejun muttered bitterly.

Ziyan's face immediately changed.

"I'm sorry, this is the guy I told you about. He doesn't really like the idea of you pretending to be my wife."

"It's okay, I understand."

"Right, well. Uh, the thing I want to talk about is that-"

"You want to end our fake marriage?" Ziyan cut him off.

"Uh, yes. How did you know?"

"I'm not stupid, Kunhang. Dakzeon is the guy you told me about. Obviously you don't need me anymore now that he's here."

"Well, I kinda need you today. To tell my parents the truth."

"You want me to be there?"

"I need you there because you're the thing I've been lying about. I mean, I can't tell them when you're not there. We'll have to tell them that we've lied to them, it's not only my lie, right?"

"Fine, I knew this day would come sooner or later. Dakzeon, are you going to be there?"

"Wouldn't it be weird if I were there? I mean, it's about your false marriage. A'hang, you wanted to tell them your..."

"My sexuality? Yeah, Ziyan knows about me and you. You're rigth, I think I should take one thing at a time. Right now is about telling them about Ziyan, so it's best if you aren't there. My mother will probably be super uncomfortable if you're there, and my father too. Are you going to be alright here alone?"

"Yes, I will. Don't worry."

"So, Kunhang. What do you want me to do with all the gifts I've recieved from your mom? Should I give them back?"

“I think you can keep them unless she asks for them back and is furious. I think she’ll be fine because you’re a friend, right?”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think she’ll be fine. Not your dad either. He’s sick, what if he gets a heart attack or a stroke or something?”

“That’s impossible! Don’t say that.”

“No, think about it, so many old people have died because they’ve been shocked, I mean old people. If you look through history, there have been so many old people that’ve died because of shock or being upset.”

“That-…that-…Maybe you’re right, but I don’t think my dad is that old. I don’t think he’s that weak. The doctors said he only had a year left, he has already lived longer than that. And look at his condition right now, he's fine.”

"Maybe you're right, I don't know. But...I think we should be cautious with what we say and how we say it when we do it."

"Yeah, I know. Relax. It'll be fine."

"Okay," Ziyan said, "It's pretty early, and I have some things I need to do. I'll see you in a few hours, okay?"

"Okay, bye. And thank you."

Dejun and Guanheng were back in the hotel room. They sat silently on the couch with nothing on the TV. Guanheng felt extremely nervous, but he was ready. All he did was wait, of course, he and Dejun could do something in the meantime, but both of them were pretty exhausted.

Dejun played the guitar and sang quietly under his breath. "Are you happy?" He then asked. 

"Hm?"

"Are you happy?" 

"I-I am."

"Then what makes you happy?"

"I..."Guanheng chickled softly, "That's a hard question."

"Is it really? Just say something, anything that comes to mind."

"...I'm happy when I'm with you."

"Is that it?"

"No, of course not. I'm happy when I'm with my friends, and when I do things I like to do."

"So not when you're with your family?"

"Zeon...what are you trying to prove?"

"Just answer the question."

"No, not right now. Not when my father is dying and when all my parents can think of is grandchildren and the company they want me to take over. And not right now, when half my family is gone. I haven't seen my sisters in a long time, and it's depressing to think about it."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"Well, I think it'll be easier once I tell them the truth about Ziyan. Then I'll see how to move on from that point."

Guanheng and Ziyan sat at the dinner table, awkwardly stuffing mood in their mouths so they wouldn't have to talk.

This was going to Ziyan's last time here, Guanheng wondered if he would miss her. Sure, she was a great friend, but his mother’s constant nagging that they should make children was unbearable. They had never even kissed, at least not on the mouth.

To make their relationship seem real, they had occasionally kissed each other on the cheek and hugged. But that was it. Ziyan nudged on his arm. He looked at her, _now?_ She nodded.

They had met up to walk home together and discuss more about how to rip off the bandaid a little more gentle.

“What? Do you have anything to tell us?” Guanheng’s father asked.

His mother gasped, “Are you pregnant?! Please tell me! Hah! This is amazing!” Before she got up from her chair, Guanheng stopped her.

“Mom! No, she’s not pregnant. Sit down, please.” He saw her smile fade away. He sighed internally, this was going to be hard, he thought.

“So, what's going on?”

“Um, me and Ziyan…have somethings to tell you.”

“Yes and that is?”

Guanheng and Ziyan exchanged looks, she nodded for him to continue. Oh boy, he thought.

“Is there something wrong?” His father asked.

 _Y_ _eah, you’re dying. Yeah, you are homophobic. Yes, I’ve been lying to you. Yes, mom is homophobic too._ “Not really, but kind of.”

“Come on, out with it.”

“Um, you see. There is something that you don’t know but probably should.” Both of them had halted their eating. Guanheng had as well, but it was very uncomfortable with all the focus on him. Usually, he didn’t feel uncomfortable, but what he was about to say made him uncomfortable.

He thought about Dejun, and that gave him courage.

“I’ve not been completely honest with you two, mom and dad.”

His father put away his chopsticks. “What have you not been honest about?” He didn’t have that kind look he had as he remembered it when he was young. He had a stern serious face, and all about him was cold. Was this the face of someone dying?

He had always thought that if he were to die in a few days, he would seize every moment and make it memorable. So that he didn’t have any regrets. Would his father regret being so cold towards him during his last breath?

“I-…you see," he remembered how he was going to phrase it, "Ziyan and I, we are great friends. But we didn’t know each other before you told me to find a girlfriend.”

“What are you saying?” His mother asked.

Guanheng sighed. “Before our…marriage, we didn’t know each other. And after our marriage, we’ve become friends. That’s it, friends.”

“What are you saying? That she’s not your wife?” His father raised his voice.

Guanheng felt his nerves tremble in slight fear. He looked down in shame. He knew what was waiting for him. Getting scolded, shame, and more homework.

“How can she not be your wife? You had a wedding, she’s been living here, and-“ his mother was getting upset, she was confused and hurt.

“I’m sorry, but you kept nagging me to get a girlfriend, and I couldn’t. So I found her on the internet-“

“On the internet! How scandalous! This is outrageous! I wanted you to get married! Not to pay some bitch to cheat on our money!”

“Mom!” He looked at Ziyan, she was sad. Disappointed but not surprised.

“What, did you just randomly choose someone to be my daughter-in-law? To be the mother of our grandchild?”

“Don’t call her bitch, she’s far from that. And I never planned for it to continue this long. I just wanted to ease your minds, and not worry about me...being single all the time.”

His mother sighed, “I have no words.” She rested her head in her hand, “I really have no words,” she repeated.

His father shook his head, "Why did you choose to do such and idiotic thing?"

Ziyan spoke up, “I’m really sorry it turned out like this. My intention was never to hurt any of you. I never wanted your gifts or your money, only Kunhang’s. I have a family, but they’re poor. I had to find a way to earn money and send it to them. They don’t have it easy. And I figured this kind of job suited me. I never wanted to keep this going, but it did. Kunhang insisted that I continued to play his wife. And I sometimes wonder if I actually grew to love you, you’ve seen me as a part of your family. And I’ve received love from a family, and I can’t do that right now from my own family. It has been nice being here. But I think it’s time for me to stop. I’ve been here long enough.”

She took off the ring and placed it carefully on the table. Guanheng did the same.

His mother sighed, “I loved you. I loved you so much. I gave you everything. You were perfect. You’re beautiful, you’re happy, you’re a good girl. How can Kunhang not like you? How can you not like my son, is he not handsome? I know he treats you well, so what is it that stops you from falling in love with him?” His mother was tearing up.

“That’s the thing, you can’t force love. Me and Kunhang, we have always been platonic. If you want, I can return everything you have given me, I’ll compensate somehow-“

“That won’t be necessary, thank you. We don’t take money from people like you, and not like this. Our wealth comes from hard work, we will not accept any money from you.” Guanheng stared at his father in awe, would he really let things go this easily?

But then, his father left the table, Guanheng felt like he could only watch him leave quietly. His father was upset, too upset to even be out from his room.

“Mom, what are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking that you’re making a mistake. How can you not like her? She’s perfect, she’s been the perfect daughter-in-law. What is it about her that you don’t like? And Ziyan, what is it about my son that you don’t like?” She was on the verge of crying, “Where will you find someone better than her?”

“Mom, I’m sorry but I don’t feel like…I love her as a friend. But the thought of kissing her and doing other things with her…just doesn’t feel right.”

“Why does it have to be like this? Ziyan, I’m sorry I called you a bitch.”

“It's okay, I forgive you,” she smiled politely.

"Of course, but I think you should leave soon. You can finish your dinner," and with that, she too left the room. Leaving Guanheng and Ziyan alone. 

The two left in the room looked at each other and breathed out.

"Wow," Guanheng exclaimed. "That was scary."

"You don't say."

"But we did it."

"Yes."

"I don't have to pretend anymore," Guanheng leaned his head on the table. He felt free, finally free again. He felt like he had wings that were repairing.

“I’ll miss this, to be honest. I feel like I am part of your family.”

“Well, you have been a part of our family. You probably enjoyed it because you knew it was fake. But thank you, for doing such a great job as my fake wife.”

“It wasn’t much of a challenge, actually. You know, it’s not really hard to pretend to be a part of a family when the family treats you like their family. I know everything was just an act, but it somehow felt so real. This whole experience is so odd, and I don’t regret taking this job. My relationship with your family started as just an actress and an audience, but it feels like I was your wife for a while. I might love your mom more than you do, or maybe that’s just me that miss my own mom. Thank you, Kunhang. You’ve given me a lot. We’ll continue to be friends, right?”

Guanheng nodded. “Yes, don’t be a stranger. You can come any time you want.”

“I don’t think your father would like that.” Guanheng laughed, “he was just sad, but you might have a point.” They hugged each other and then she left.

Guanheng came back inside, he encountered his infuriated mom. Okay, so maybe what they said was just the tip of the ice berg.

“An actress!? How could you?!” His mother shouted at him.

“Mom, I already told you-“.

She took off her slipper and started hitting him, “And I don’t want to hear it. How much money did you spend on her? I am so disappointed in you! You know your father wants grandchildren, and you’re wasting time with a woman you don’t even like? You’ve wasted time being with someone you never planned to have a real relationship with!”

It was the first time in ten years he got hit with her slipper, it somehow brought a little joy to him, it reminded him of his happier times with his family. Even though getting hit was itself not so fun. And this wasn't fun either, this was a serious matter.

“Where is he?”

“What do you think? He’s in his room, he’s ashamed for believing in you. When will you find a girl? I would want you to get Ziyan back, but that seems impossible now. Such a shame, she was perfect. I don’t understand you. I hope you can find another girl that’s better than her, or I won’t be able to get over Ziyan.” She walked away, but then came back again. 

"How could you think of such a thing!? Do you really have no confidence in finding someone real? Why did you decide to play with out feelings like that!?"

"I just don't want to get a girlfriend. I like being...I like not having a girlfriend."

"Do you want to be single for the rest of your life?! That's stupid, you imbecile! But fine! From now on, all you are allowed to do is focus on the company. No more fun for you! You already missed a whole day of classes, go to your room now and revise! Your private tutor is coming over tomorrow earlier so he can help you with the things you missed today. We'll pay him double. But only if you're serious! If not then I'll ground you!"

"What!? You can't ground me, I'm 23."

"Okay, 23. I'm your mom. Try me."

Guanheng sighed.

"Go to your room! And do your homework! I'll send our maid to watch over you to make sure you're doing it, and not sneaking out."

"What!?"

"Go!"

He did. On his desks lied books about things he didn't care abot, but he had to do them. He did them all diligently, only because their maid was in his room and kept her eyes on him at all times. Guanheng tried to convince her to leave. Saying that the things she was doing was not part of her job. But she wouldn't move.

After three hours, he finally got done. He then texted Dejun, he sent him a location to where he wanted to meet. Dejun agreed to go. So Guanheng sneaked down and out from the doors, it was easy since both his parents were in their room, and the house was big. What could his mom do? Nothing, apparently.

Dejun found his way to where Guanheng wanted them to meet. He saw him sitting on a pavilion by a lake. 

Dejun gasped when he walked closer. The lake was surrounded by mountains, it reflected the lights of the stars and the moon, and it looked magical. “Wow,” was all he could say. It was breathtakingly beautiful, it looked like a painting, like Van Gogh’s ‘The Starry Night Over the Rhone’ but in real life, and much more impressive. 

"A'zeon!" Guanheng turned around and saw him, he quickly ran to him and hugged him tightly. "I'm so sorry I didn't call you for so long. I know we decided to meet earlier, but my mom and maid wouldn't let me leave nor touch my phone. They made me do some homework!"

Dejun chuckled, "You're here now, so it's fine. It's so beautiful here, Kunhang.”

“Yeah, it is. But only at this time of the day, midnight. This is the lake I told you about, that I lived nearby.”

“Oh, so we are here,” Dejun said. He looked around himself, they were in an ancient pavilion that had many patterns in different colors. "So how did it go?"

"It went...as expected, at first. But then I said that I won't ever get a girlfriend and that I liked being single, so she made me do homework and focus on my education and career instead, if not then she'll ground me."

"Ground you!?"

"Yeah, she's crazy."

"But why did you wanna meet then? She'll ground you if she finds out you're here, won't she?"

"No, I'm done with everything, so it's fine. And she won't find out, she's asleep."

"Okay."

Guanheng dragged Dejun to the bridge, "Let's bath our feet," he said. He took off his shoes and sat down, lowering his feet into the water. 

Dejun copied him. "Did you come here often?"

"Yes, all the time. I came here to swim pretty often during summer. But I also came here everytime I was upset, when my parents made me feel like wasn't worth anything. But I only came here at night, because I didn't want them to come looking for me. So I just gazed at the stars and the moon, thought about my place in the universe," he chuckled.

Guanheng was gazing at the sky now too, he didn't notice Dejun gazing at him. The stars reflected in Guanheng's eyes, it made Dejun a little lost. He pushed him into the lake.

Guanheng gasped when his head popped out from the water, "What the hell, A'zeon!" 

Dejun giggled, "I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that."

"It's freezing!" Guanheng said as he pulled himself up onto the bridge with Dejun's help. He took off his now soaking jacket and shirt. Dejun took his jacket and squeezed out the water, Guanheng did the same with his shirt.

"You idiot, why did you do that for?"

"I don't know. You looked so....beautiful," Dejun mumbled.

"Beautiful?"

Dejun continued to squeeze the water out back into the lake. He didn't dare to look Guanheng in the eyes, especially when he sat shirtless. He placed the jacket behind them. He glanced at Guanheng.

"Are you cold?" He took off his jacket and gave it to him.

Guanheng took it and dried himself, "What are you looking at?"

"Nothing."

"Really," he giggled, then, he pushed Dejun into the water. He didn't know why he did that either. Was it because if he let Dejun stare at him, he would've done something not friendly?

Dejun fell into the water, he quickly got up to the surface, but then he sank down again.

Guanheng was confused, but then panicked. He jumped into the water again and lifted Dejun up.

"Are you okay!?"

Dejun giggled, "Got you!" 

"What?"

"I was just playing with you."

"I really thought you were drowning, it's not funny."

"Yeah, I know....I'm sorry," he said after a pause.

They stared at each other for a while, it was serious. Guanheng was holding Dejun around the waist so he couldn't sink, but maybe that was unnecessary. Dejun had his hands on Guanheng's shoulders. What was even more scandalous, was that their faces were only millimeters away from each other. They were far too close to being just friends. 

"It's not freezing..." Guanheng mumbled.

"Weird, you said it was freezing just minutes ago..."

"Must be the water...is different from where I fell..." Guanheng said, even though it was stupid. 

"Yeah...must be it."

They stayed in that position for a while, both admiring their view, which was the other's face. Especially the other's lips. 

Dejun forced his attention elsewhere, he gently stroked Guanheng's hair back to the way it was before the water ruined it, but then he looked into his eyes, Guanheng looked into them.

Both their hearts beats started to increase in a synced tempo. 

"We should...get back...if we don't want to catch a cold..." Dejun stuttered. 

Guanheng nodded, "Yeah." He gulped.

They pulled away from each other and got up from the lake. 

Dejun got into the shower as soon as they got back to the hotel. On the way there back was dead silent, none of them had said a word. They didn't even look each other in the eye.

"You can shower now," Dejun said and quickly got under the blankets on the bed. With knitted eyebrows he lied and stared at the wall and wondered what the fuck had happened.

After a while, Guanheng got out. "Dakzeon, uh...can I borrow some clothes?" 

"Huh? Oh, yeah sure. Just take whatever you want," Dejun said and quickly got back to his curled up position. 

"A'zeon...it's late. And it's dark. Can I stay here for the night?" 

"Okay, the bed is big enough for the both of us..."

Guanheng's heart skipped a beat, he had thought of sleeping on the couch, but if Dejun let him sleep on the bed with him, the of course he would do that. He creeped under the blankets like Dejun, and just like that, Dejun was looking at Guanheng and not the wall.

"A'zeon...about what happened back there-"

"Nothing happened."

"Yeah, right. Nothing happened. We didn't do anything out of line. But...I promise that soon...there will be no line. We can do whatever we want."

"How can you be so sure? What if your parents do something that won't let us be together?" Dejun was tearing up, he lowered his head to hide his tears.

"I won't let them."

"But you're letting them boss over you, how can you not let them?"

"A'zeon, trust me."

"Okay."

Guanheng held Dejun's hand. Their fingers played carelessly with each other.

"Friends can cuddle, right?" Dejun asked.

"...Yeah."

Dejun hastily moved closer to Guanheng.

"Come here," Guanheng chuckled. They hugged each other tightly. Dejun leaned his head in Guanheng's chest.

"Zeon," Guanheng whispered.

"Hm?"

"I'll have to get up early tomorrow, I have extra classes tomorrow because I missed todays. So...I might not be here when you wake up."

Dejun looked up at him, he was angry. "Then get out. What are you doing here then?" He flipped the blanket to his side. "You might as well leave now."

"Why are you so mad?" 

"Why the hell should I snuggle up and sleep with you when you won't be here in the morning? What's the point? You tell me to trust you, but you're not even doing anything that'll make it easier for is to be together!"

"Dakzeon, I will! Just not now. Think about now, if I don't get home by morning tomorrow I'll be grounded. They won't allow me to leave the house except on weekends." 

"Fine! Then go back to your house then," Dejun turned to the other side, his back facing Guanheng.

It made him feel like a failure, Guanheng was stuck between a rock and a hard place. His parents, family, or Dejun. But Dejun was his family too.

"I will do it. You asked me what made me happy, and I already answered. But what would make me tha happiest would be if my parents would accept me for having you as my boyfriend. So I promise. I will make it possible for us. And, right now is not the best time to tell them. I think my dad is really upset about Ziyan, and my mom is angrier than ever. I think we have to wait a little longer before we tell them, so they can have a little time to process and move on. But Dakzeon, I choose you. So whatever happens, I will follow you. If my parents don't accept me, I'll leave them. It's their loss. I don't want us to think about the possibilty of us being together is in our hands."

Guanheng moved closer to Dejun and placed his hand on his arm. "We're here, and if we love each other we should be with each other."

Dejun sat up and turned back to Guanheng, he took his hand. "You choose me?" He asked with a face full of tears.

"Yes, I choose you, Siu Dakzeon."

Dejun threw his arms around Guanheng, embracing him with all his being. He kissed him with all his love. Finally kissing him the way he had wanted for so long. The kiss they both had longed for. 

"You can stay for the night."

Guanheng chuckled, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, just...wake me up and let me know when you leave."

"Okay." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny that the whole friend thing and no homo things lasted less than a day hhehehe. But that's life, unexpected things with twist and turns I guess.
> 
> I hope you liked it. And I hope I didn't disappoint.🥺🥺❤❤


	14. Adversities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guanheng comes out to his parents after a week of struggle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry, but there's a lot going on with my family right now. And I also haven't had the motivation to write. So I've just procrastinated, but here it is!! 
> 
> This chapter is pretty important.

Guanheng shook Dejun lightly, causing him to blink his eyes. He woke up but barely, and kept his eyes closed to keep the immense light out.

"Zeon, I'm leaving."

Dejun hummed in reply.

Guanheng giggled softly at Dejun's demeanor, "Are you going to be okay?"

"Yes," Dejun murmured.

"Alright," he gave him a kiss on Dejun's temple, "I'm going now."

Dejun forced himself up, "Now?" He opened his eyes and saw Guanheng back in his clothes and ready to leave. "What time is it?" He asked with knitted eyebrows.

"It's 6.27, I didn't want to wake you up, you can continue to sleep if you want." 

"Okay," Dejun grinned, he then pulled Guanheng into a kiss, he forced his tongue between his teeth and twirled it inside, making Gunheng dizzy. With a squeeze on his ass, he got back under the blanket and shut his eyes, as if nothing had happened.

Guanheng stood awkwardly on the side, feeling slightly aroused. He smacked Dejun's butt, "You naughty idiot. I'm leaving now." 

"Good luck," Dejun shouted after him.

Guanheng opened the door to his home, he heard his dog approach. He panicked a little. He quickly crouched down and patted him, "Hey, be quiet."

Guanheng had planned to sneak back into his room, change into pajamas and pretend that he never left the house, that's why he had to wake up so early. But now, his dog was close to exposing him.

"Hey, Wong Gam, shhh. Be a good boy."

"Be a good boy!?"

Guanheng's body froze, he looked up and saw his mother standing a few meters away from him, her hands on her hips. Her face furious.

"Good morning...Mom. What are you doing so early?"

"What am I doing early? Why don't you tell me where you have been!? What the hell are you doing?"

Guanheng stood up again, "I was just...out on a morning walk."

"Morning walk, you don't have to lie, Kunhang. Where have you been all night?"

"It doesn't matter, does it? I'm here now and it's only seven."

"No, I want to know where you have been."

"I don't want to tell you."

"You don't want to tell me? Then you're obviously hiding something. Tell me what you did this night."

"Nothing."

"You can at least try to lie, that doesn't sound credible at all. What are you hiding?"

"Fine, I was just seeing a friend."

"Seeing a friend in the middle of the night? Why can't you be normal and meet on during the day? Are you doing something bad? Are you doing drugs? "Who is this friend?"

"Calm down, Mom. Oh my god. I met Dakzeon. He's leaving Macau so I just thought I could meet him before he left," he quickly lied.

"Dakzeon?" She shook her head, "Something is not right. Didn't you see him yesterday, and those two days before that? Why was that so hard to say? Something is not right. I'm going to find out what you're up to. You better cut off all contact with him, he's making you act suspicious."

"Stop thinking so much, nothing is going on."

"That's what you want me to think. That boy Dakzeon is not good for you, he's obviously doing something to you."

Guanheng swallowed, he felt like his throat was tightening. "Mom, you're overthinking. Can you just let me sleep for like, an hour? At least until my teacher comes."

"You want to sleep? You should've thought about that before you sneaked out last night. I don't understand what's going on with you anymore. First, you tell us about Ziyan, I still can't believe it. You deceived us, and I still don't understand how you could do such thing. And now you're acting so suspicious, sneaking out at night and hiding things from me. I didn't raise you to be like this."

"Can I go?" Guanheng sighed. He couldn't hear his mother scold him anymore, it was all bullshit anyways.

"No, you don't know what you did wrong, do you? Do you even feel sorry for what you did?"

"I didn't do anything wrong."

His mother scoffed, "Nothing wrong? Fine, I'll let you go to your room, so you can reflect on your mistakes."

"Thank you," Guanheng said sarcastically and walked past his mother.

"Wait, give me your phone." She reached out her hand.

"What, are you seriously telling me to give you my phone?"

"Of course, if not, how are you supposed to think about your mistakes?"

"I'm not giving you it."

"Fine, then have fun being grounded!"

Guanheng's heart dropped, "What!? Please don't! You can't do that!"

"Why? You never wanted to leave the house when Ziyan was still here. You got someone to meet? That boy Dakzeon again? You said he was leaving."

"You are impossible!"

"Give me the phone."

Guanheng sighed, he obediently handed her his phone.

He fell on his back on his bed, the heated argument tired him out mentally. Additionally, he had only gotten a few hours of sleep, so he was exhausted. He wasn't up to listening to his teacher talk about economics and business for the next eight hours. All he wanted to do was to lie down next to Dejun.

The eight hours of classes passed, and he left the study room, leaving his teacher to clean up alone. He ignored his teacher calling him back. He was going to get his phone back.

"Mom, can I get my phone back?"

"Do you admit your faults?"

Guanheng frowned, "No."

"Then you can't have it back."

Guanheng sighed heavily and leaned on the railing of the stairs. He then proceeded to walk downstairs and tried to leave the house. He only walked a few steps when he heard his dad call his name.

"Kunhang, follow me." He used the strict tone that Guanheng had grown to fear and never speak against. Guanheng felt his heart sink, and with heavy steps, he followed his dad.

He was led into his father's office. He didn't know what to expect, his father never allowed him to go inside as if he had treasures or secrets Guanheng wasn't allowed to see. Whenever he saw inside was when he saw his father's assistant come and go to help him with business. The past year he came more frequently to help with the things his father couldn't. 

Guanheng sat down on the chair in front of the desk, his father on the chair behind.

"So, what do you need me for?"

"Kunhang, I don't want to shout like your mother, but you should know that I am very disappointed in you."

Guanheng didn't say a word.

"Do you think I'm stupid, Kunhang?"

"No? I never said that..."

"Then tell me the reason why you hired Ziyan."

"I just wanted to make you happy...and not to worry about me."

His father sighed, "Kunhang, how long did you plan to continue with the lie? Until I died?"

Guanheng choked, "No- I didn't think things through-"

"Shut up! You waited for me to die, didn't you? You wanted me to believe that you had a wife until I died, and then break up with her. No, not break up, as it turns out you never even dated her. Since you don't want to get a wife, then you'll have to work two times harder for work. You're soon done with your education, so I want to take you to your future job, so you can get a little experience. You're following me tomorrow after classes."

"Dad! I don't want to!"

"You don't want to? Stop making such a fuss. You're doing it whether you want to or not. I'm preparing you for your future. So you don't get a say in this. One day you'll thank me."

"No, there won't be a day I'll thank you. Have you ever thought that maybe I don't want to take over the company? That I want to perform, make music, sing and dance instead?" 

"We've talked about it, that is a hobby, not a career. And since when have we not listened to you? Have you forgotten the studio we gave you back in Guangzhou? And a whole apartment? Have you forgotten about that? And the competitions we took you to when you were younger? We have done everything for you! Why can't you do these two things?"

"What two things?"

"Kunhang, do I have to tell you again? Where's your brain? I mean taking over the company and getting a wife and children."

"Dad, I am nowhere near ready getting a wife, and definitely not a child! I'm only 23! And the company! Why does it have to be me? Why can't my sisters do it? They're into business!"

"Because you're my only son, when they get married they won't be a Wong anymore. It's that easy."

"Oh my god. It's the 21st century. You gotta let go of your conservative thoughts! It doesn't matter what surnames they'll have in the future, they'll still be your daugthers!" Guanheng exclaimed as he slammed his head on the desk.

"That's exactly why I'm holding on to those beliefs! How can you say something like that to me? Is it wrong to be conservative? I'd say the new generation is the problem!"

"No, it's not. But I'm not gonna argue. I'm leaving."

"Where are you going? Come back here!"

Guanheng left the room, but then he stopped. What stopped him was the sound of coughing. He turned around and saw his dad struggle to stand up, he fell back on his chair as the coughing grew worse.

"Are you okay?" Guanheng went back.

"I'm fine," he waved at him to not approach, to not worry. 

Guanheng stopped walking, he could only look at him.

"You never worried about me anyways, why bother?" Hearing his father's words hit him like ten thousand bullets. Never worried? If he never cared, why would he come back here? It angered him. "If I didn't care why would I be back here?"

His father shook his head again, "Fine, since you do care, why don't you stay home at all time? Don't leave. If you do then you can say goodbye to everything you love."

"Mom already grounded me."

"Do you think I'd trust you to really obey? You left yesterday when you were supposed to sleep early and wake up early for your classes. You'd just find a way to sneak out again. I'll install the alarms so you can't leave without us knowing, and if you want your phone back, you better behave."

Guanheng was speechless, his hands were really tied this time. He groaned internally, and walked back to his room where he had a mental breakdown. He thought his parents probably had to process the information about Ziyan, and only now reacted. They probably boiled up all their anger and now let it all out on him.

But why couldn't they understand why he did it? That he did it for them? And why were they so obsessed with keeping himself in the house? Guanheng surely felt like he was a prisoner, and it was ten times worse than before.

He threw a tantrum in his room, threw his pillows and blankets here and there, slammed the bed. Frustration was all he felt, and fear of losing Dejun. How was he going to contact him? Dejun was probably still waiting for him...

Dejun was indeed waiting for him in the hotel, he called him countless times when he didn't come back. It was already night time and he was still not back. He called him more, but he didn't pick up. 

He started to panic, what was he going to do? Wait some more? Wait forever? Go to his house? Call him hundred times more? No, it was already night. They were probably asleep...But would Guanheng be asleep? Last night he sneaked out to see him, so he was probably on his way back to the hotel again, right? So Dejun waited for him. Guanheng never came, Dejun fell asleep on the couch.

Guanheng was woken up by his parents, "Change of plans," they said. "You're going to follow you father to work." 

It was the first time in a long time that his father also went to work, usually he would sit home in his office, and not to the company's headquarters. It wasn't Guanheng's first time there either, when he was younger his father used to bring him there and show his alleged future. 

Everywhere he went in the building were men and some women dressed in expensive suits and tie, just like Guanheng was forced to dress in. It was unpleasant to see, he didn't want to be there. Through the day, he followed his father around, went to meetings and other meetings, and other meetings. All talking about the future of the company, the economy, how to gain more demand. It was a lot of work handling both a hotel and a casino. 

During the meetings, he father urged him to speak up, share his opinions, and to his father's delight, he was good at it. His inputs were taken into consideration, but it only angered Guanheng more.

Guanheng felt like he wanted to destroy the hotel and the casino.

When Dejun woke up and realized that Guanheng was not there, he decided to go to his home. He rang the doorbell, and after a few seconds the door opened. The person opening it wasn't the one who Dejun hoped it would be, it was the maid.

"Hello, who are you?" She asked.

"I'm- You don't remember me?"

She shook her head.

"I'm Dakzeon. Siu Dakzeon. I was here, like a week ago."

"No, I don't know. What can I help you with?"

Dejun was dumbfounded, was she playing with him? He sighed internally, "I'm looking for Kunhang, I know he lives here."

"Well, he's not here, I'm sorry." She was about to close the doors.

"Wait! Do you know when he'll be back?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know. Try again tomorrow." With that, she slammed the door.

What the hell, Dejun thought. She was suspicious, was Guanheng really not here? Clearly she wanted Dejun gone as soon as possible, was she hiding something? But there was nothing he could do, he didn't want to cross the boundaries yet and trespass, so he went back to the hotel.

The next day, Guanheng was forced to follow his father's work again, but did time he did it after his classes. During the day, he needed to listen to his teacher preach again, and then after, he put on the suit again. It was late, around six, he didn't understand people were still working. Were all dad's employees this dedicated?

But as it turned out, they all stayed for an event. an event dedicated for Guanheng. They were there to celebrate Guanheng as the company's future CEO. There was nothing Guanheng could do, so he put on his fake smile.

Dejun, a few miles away, spent the day distracting himself. Since the things the hotel offered were free, he used everything and ordered more things to distract himself. He spent the day in the hot tub, he used a lot of things like bath bombs, bath salt and oil. Just because he could and was bored. It worked great as stress relief, so he didn't have to worry about Guanheng too much.

When it was a little before evening, he decided to go back to Guanheng's home again, the day before he went there around three, this day he went there when it was seven. Surely, Guanheng was home now, right?

But to his disappointment, the maid was the one who opened the door again, and gave him the same answer as yesterday.

Dejun went back to the hotel and smoked in the balcony, what was he going to do? Guanheng made him promise not to smoke again, but what was he going to do now that he wasn't here with him? 

He didn't want to be disappointed in Guanheng, so he decided to give him a little more time, he wanted to trust Guanheng. But sooner or later, his patience would run out, he was already feeling sick of the hotel.

The next few days went on the same, Guanheng went to work with his father, the classes were now moved to the afternoon and evening. Dejun went back to Guanheng's house to ask if he was there once a day, but it was all for nothing. He was running out of money, on the fifth day, he counted that he would only have enough for two more days for traveling.

Guanheng tried hard to earn his phone back, but it didn't seem like he was getting it back anytime soon, how was he going to contact Dejun and make sure he was okay? He had to let him know that he hadn't abandoned him. He finally used his smart brain and thought of a solution. He smacked his head for not thinking about it earlier.

He went to his study room and used the computer to email him.

"Dakzeon, I am so sorry for not coming back, or calling. But my mom confiscated my phone and she's keeping it somewhere I don't know. And they're not letting me leave the house, they've put alarms everywhere! Even the windows! I am going crazy!! My parents are crazy!! I just want you to know that I didn't lie when I said I chose you. I just need to figure out how I am going to tell them, but it doesn't seem like the right time. I am so sorry. I'll be back as soon as I find a way. My father is making me follow him to work, and I have a feeling that they're doing it because they know something is up. I can't explain it, but it feel like they have eyes on their back, and that I'm being watched all the time. Even now when I'm writing to you feels wrong. You need to get me out of here! I just can't be here anymore. I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm stressed all the time. And also, when I got back here my mom asked me why I was away during the night, I said that I was sending you back to Guangzhou, so if you show up here they'll be very very suspicious. So whatever you do, do not come here looking for me. Alright? Trust me, I'll get myself out of here. Just, wait a little longer. Please, I love you." 

He pressed sent and breathed out. It was a sigh of relief, and even though he wasn't sure if God existed, he prayed that Dejun would open his email as soon as possible. 

Then, the door opened. His mother stood there with a displeased face.

"What is it?" Guanheng asked.

"You told me that Dakzeon left Macau, right?"

"Yeah..." Guanheng slowly started to feel anxious.

"Then tell me why he's been knocking on our door these past few days in a row."

"What?"

"If you said was true - that he did leave Macau - then why is he back here? Our maid told me he's been here every day since the day you told us about Ziyan."

"I...are you sure?"

"Don't act dumb. Why did you lie? What were you up to? Why is he still here?"

"Nothing, we did nothing."

"Then why did you feel the need to lie? You were obviously doing something wrong. What was it? Drugs?"

"No, mom. We did nothing like that. Fine, I'll tell you. We just...went out for a midnight swim."

"Midnight swim? You came back in the morning, what did you do the rest of the night?"

"Fuck, do you really have to know everything?"

"Don't cuss. And yes, the more you want to hide it, the more I want to know."

"Fine! I stayed over in the hotel with him. Is that wrong?"

"Yes! You can't go around and sleep with other boys. You can't just leave your home without letting us know and you can't leave when you have to wake up early for classes!"

"God, nothing happened. What are you so pressed about? Jesus. He's my friend. One that I haven't seen for one and a half fucking years. So will you just let me live?"

"Okay, but make him stop knocking on our door." 

"Wait, I don't know if I can do that without my phone. And I'm not allowed to even leave the house. So ...give me back my phone."

His mother stood still and glared at him, "No," she said instead. "Next time he comes, if he does, I'll let him in. then you can say goodbye." She turned her heels and left.

What did he just do? He told Dejun to not go back to his home, but that was what he wanted him to do now. He quickly went back to his computer again and wrote another mail.

"My mom told me you've been here and looked for me. I am so sorry! I didn't know! But I know what to do now. Come here tomorrow by four. She'll let you in. Our maid will let you in this time. She wants you to stop coming everyday, that's why she's letting you in tomorrow."

He then sent it. It was now up to Dejun to read his emails. 

But Guanheng wasn't confident in Dejun to read them, he decided to email Xuxi to tell Dejun to read his email. "Hello Yukhei, please tell Dakzeon to read his email. It's urgent. I'll explain later one day, just call him or text him to check his emails. Thank you, love you." 

He sent the third email. But what was the chance of Xuxi seeing it?

He then sent the same email to all of their friends, and added another sentence saying that he sent it to Xuxi first and then the others too. Now all he had to do was wait.

In the hotel, Dejun lied on his back with his guitar on his stomach, he played a melody, both distracting and calming his mind.

He was getting sick of the hotel, all he did was to stay there and do absolutely nothing except going to find Guanheng. What the hell was going on? He felt like he was back in square one. Like it was February all over again, when he walked around Macau everyday like a lunatic.

Then, the ringing from his phone ruined the peace, he grabbed the phone and saw Xuxi calling. 

"Hello."

"Dakzeon! Hey, what's going on?"

"Nothing, what's up?"

"Kunhang just sent email to all of us to tell you to check your email. What's going on?"

"He sent me an email?"

"Yes, what's going on?" 

"I don't know, he's been gone for days. I've been waiting for him! He sent an email?"

"Gone? What do you mean gone?"

"I mean, I haven't seen him for days, a week I think. He went back to his parents house after he stayed with me in the hotel. So he went back the morning after but I haven't heard of him since then."

"Okay, I think you have a lot to tell once you come back here. Just, check your email now."

"Okay, thank you."

"No problem, good luck with Kunhang."

Dejun quickly opened up his emails, and read the two mails he was sent. As he read them, he felt devastated, but also happy. He finally got some answers to why Guanheng was so hard to contact. So he felt a little at ease, but thinking about what Guanheng was going through broke his heart. The second mail told him what to do, so yesterday, he was finally going to meet him again.

The next day came, and when it closed down to four, Dejun left the hotel.

Guanheng was ready to open the door to him, he wasn't sure if Dejun was coming or not, he didn't get an email back from any of his friends. Hopefully, Dejun was going to show up, he planned on coming out today. And he really wanted Dejun to be with him.

Maybe it wasn't the best time to tell his parents, but it had to be done. And now that things were like this, how much worse could it be?

As soon as he heard the door open, and his mother greet Dejun, he rushed down the stairs.

"Zeon!" He saw Dejun taking off his shoes, Guanheng hastily grabbed his wrist and pulled him upstairs to his room in the third floor. He dragged Dejun with him inside, locked the door behind him, and then finally looked at his boyfriend.

He pulled him into a tight hug, "I am so glad you're here!"

"I'm here, A'hang. What's going on?" 

"Didn't you read my email?"

"I did."

"Then you should now, I've been stuck here! They're watching everything I do. I feel so trapped. I can't go on like this." Guanheng buried his face in Dejun's neck and arms round his waist. The places that had become his comfort zone.

Dejun asked, "What are you planning to do?"

"I'm going to come out."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I mean, how much more can they punish me?"

"Okay, you're right. How do you feel?"

"Scared."

"It's okay. It's normal, but I'm here. Okay? Just, remember that you shouldn't listen to them, make them listen to you."

"It never works. They never listen to me."

"Well they should listen to you. You've been a great son, you should know that. You've done everything they've asked you to do, and more than what you need to do. If they don't listen to you or won't accept you, then it's their loss. You know who you are, and you should stand up for yourself."

"I know, Dakzeon. Thanks for being here, I really need you." He put his forehead on Dejun's and kissed him lightly on the lips. "I think we should go downstairs and get it over with."

"Are you ready? Don't force yourself."

"I'm ready," Guanheng reassured him.

They walked downstairs again to the living room, where they found Guanheng's mother talking on the phone.

"Mom, where's dad?"

She pointed to the direction of where his office was.

"Can we talk? I need to tell you something."

She sighed and mouthed, "Not now."

Guanheng exhaled and turned to Dejun. "Come, we'll get dad." He took his hand and started walking. 

But his mother called him, "Kunhang, stop right there." She placed the phone by her ear again, "I'm sorry, there's a situation here, I'll call you back," and hung up. "What's going on? Why do you need dad?" 

"I already said it, I need to tell you both something important. Why are you panicking?"

Of course, she had panicked and ended her phone call because of the thing she saw. Her son holding another boys hand so tightly, and walking shoulder to shoulder. 

"What's so important?"

"I'll tell you when dad is here, calm the fuck down."

"Don't cuss! Stay here, I'll get him."

Guanheng and Dejun settled down on the couch and waited.

After a while, the finally came. Both of them looked slightly distressed.

"Hello, I'm Siu Dakzeon," Dejun said to his father. It was their first encounter, so Dejun thought he could be polite and show manners.

But Guanheng's father only nodded at him without a smile, and he didn't shake the hand that Dejun reached out.

Guanheng's parents sat down on the couch in front of them. Sitting face to face.

"So, you're Kunhang's friend?"

"Yes."

"It's not usual for Kunhang to bring anyone home, I assume you're his best friend?"

"Heh, I guess I am."

"Well, he's more than that," Guanheng said. "The thing I wanted to talk to you about, is about my...my love life..." he said, even though it sounded a little weird out loud.

"Your love life? You said you didn't want to get married, to not get a girlfriend. There's nothing more to discuss, is there?" His mother quickly said.

"I did say that I didn't want to get a wife, but that doesn't mean I don't want to get married."

"How are you possibly going to get married if you don't have a girlfriend?"

"You see, I'm in love. And I want to get married...just not with a girl."

"If not a girl, then what? A dog?"

A dog? Dejun thought his parents must be crazy to say that. But he could see that these old people in front of him were just ignorant, and they knew perfectly well where this was heading.

Guanheng felt like he was talking to a wall, he couldn’t get through, he never felt so frustrated. He clenched his jaw; this was not the time to get upset. “Dad, mom. I know you already know what I’m going to say. Don’t act dumb, please.”

"No, Kunhang. We don’t know what you are going to say. We can’t read your mind. If you want to tell us something then do it, don’t expect us to guess. There is no time for such foolery,” his father spat out.

"I'm...I don't know if I can do this."

"Out with it," his father said coldly.

Guanheng turned to Dejun for support, Deju placed his hand on his knee, and nodded for him to continue.

Guanheng took a deep breath, "Mom, dad, I'm in love with Dakzeon. I love him." Guanheng finally said it, he felt like he was breaking free from his chains. His lips curled up slightly, but the silence killed it. 

His mother shook her head. "No, you can't! That's impossible! We made you-...I knew it! I knew something was wrong with this thing here," she looked at Dejun. I realized it the day he came here on a visit. You can't be gay! All our hard work is for nothing!" His mother cried out.

"What? You made me what? 'All our hard work is for nothing'. What do you mean?" Guanheng knitted his eyebrows.

"Samyi, be quiet," Guanheng's father told his wife.

"No, mom. I want to know. Tell me!" Guanheng stood up, his heart was beating so fast.

His mother didn't listen, she called out for their maid, "Jingze! Take this thing out of here," she said and pointed at Dejun. 

Guanheng reacted quickly, he pulled Dejun up to his side, held him close to himself, "This thing? Mom, are you serious? He's my boyfriend and he's staying with me. Apolo-"

"Is this how you repay us!? Your dad and I, we’ve done everything for you to have a good life, all we ask for you is to have a wife and children, to give us grandchildren. Is this how you thank us? By bringing this thing here? we made sure since the beginning that you wouldn't bring a boy home! Can’t you see how wrong this is?”

"From the beginning? You mean you knew that I was gay since long ago? Is this why you weren't surprised when I told you about Ziyan?" Guanheng felt his limbs feel weak. He fell on the couch and stared into nothing. All his life, his parents have been trying to make him straight, making him believe that homosexuality was wrong. Introducing girls to him, glorifying girls and heterosexuality while making disgusting remarks on gay people, it was all because they were scared that their son would one day bring a boy home and say it was his boyfriend. 

Guanheng couldn't believe it, he was speechless, and he couldn't help but laugh. 

Dejun was stunned too, before he could sit down and comfort Guanheng, he felt a strong arm pull him to the side. It was the maid.

"What are you doing? Let me go! Don't touch me!" 

Guanheng realized what was happening and instantly grabbed Dejun's arm. "Let him go! Jingze! Let him go! You're a maid, you don't have to do this shit!"

"Be quiet." Jingze was struggling to pull Dejun away from Guanheng.

"Jingze, it's okay. Hold down Kunhang instead." Guanheng's mother said. The maid did as she was told, and Guanheng's mother then approached Dejun. 

"Mom, what are you doing?" Guanheng was getting scared. 

"I knew this thing here was not good for you, ever since he came last week he's only been corrupting you. He's turned you against us. Before he was here everything was fine! You had a wife, you went to your classes diligently and worked hard. You listened to us and behaved. Now this faggot is here, he's done nothing but ruin your life and stealing you from us!"

Both Guanheng and Dejun could tell what she was about to do, she shoved him on the floor, followed by a kick. Lying on the floor, he was the perfect target for her, she took off her slipper and started to hit Dejun. He was close to tears, but he didn't want to show any weakness. He couldn't cry in front of them, especially not Dejun.

"Stop hitting him! He is not a faggot! Mom, if you call him a faggot then you're calling me a faggot too, do you want a faggot to be your son!?" Guanheng shouted. 

"Shut your mouth, son!" She shouted back. "When did you learn to talk back to me?"

Dejun grunted on the floor for each hit. He didn't want to cause any more trouble, so he didn't fight back or try to leave. The pain was endurable, what was the difference between this physical pain and the pain he felt when Guanheng was gone? So he lied on the floor and let the woman beat him up.

Guanheng panicked and struggled to get out of the maids arms, but she was surprisingly strong. He closed his eyes, he couldn't bear watching his mother hurt Dejun, but it was too loud, Dejun's groans were too hard to ignore. He squinted at them, and for each hit he flinched as if he was the one getting hit. It was hard to watch, and then his tear seeped through his eyes.

"Mom! Stop hitting him! He doesn't deserve any of this! Let him go! He didn't ruin my life and he didn't fucking corrupt me! I've always been gay, you knew it long ago, so why are you blaming him? Just stop it!" 

"Shut up! Stand still if you know what's good for you!" His father raised his voice. 

"I know what's good for me! It's him! Dakzeon is good to me, he's been nothing but good and loving. I realize how much I hate you now! If anyone ruined my life it's you!"

At this point, Guanheng's mother stopped beating Dejun. Dejun tried to get up, but she pushed him down on his knees, "Kneel, if you want to stay," she said. Then she turned to hear what he had to say.

"You two ruined my life. I was happy in Guangzhou, I was happy with the life I had there, my low job, my small apartment, my friends and Dakzeon. I was happy, but you two had to call me back here!" Thinking about his time in Guangzhou made him tear up even more. 

"Your father is dying! Do you really want to be away when he's dying? Do you know how tiring it is for him to deal with cancer and work? Are you really that selfish? You left Macau for your own selfish reasons!"

"I know! I can understand why you would want me back here if it's because he's dying. but you want so much more, more than I can give. And it's not my responsibility to give you that. I don't owe you anything. And you never listen to me! I don't want to work with the company, and I definitely don't want to marry a woman that I'll never love!"

"Wong Kunhang, ask yourself, who gave you that apartment? Who helped you pay for the studio? If it weren't for us you wouldn't even have lived there! And now you bring this home? _This disease_? Disgraceful." His father exhaled deeply.

Dejun choked on air, he had never been called a disease. Just like that, he started to cry too, cry out of anger, and cried out of frustration and the pain.

Guanheng was raging, "Take that back! Take that back! He's not a fucking disease! Say you're sorry!"

"Enough! Wong Kunhang! You are my son, you will listen to me! You will get married with a woman, you will take over the company! And that's the end of it! Now this trash Siu Dakzeon here, he will have to pay for my hotel he's been staying at! After that he will leave Macau and go back to whatever dump he came from!"

Dejun panicked, he thought about the past week and how much he must’ve have spent. How many days did he stay for? How much was one night? It must’ve been a lot, more than his salary probably. Dejun held his breath, he felt so small and powerless. And for a second, he regretted stepping inside the house of the Huang’s.

"Dad! You can't do that! I made him stay there! It wasn't his choice, if anyone has to pay it's me! How did you even know? I told them not to tell you!" 

"How stupid are you? I'm the CEO, do they dare not to answer my questions?!"

Guanheng was rendered speechless. All he wanted to do was to leave with Dejun. But his birthgivers were never going to let him go. 

"Azeon, how are you? You can go. I'm sorry I brought you here."

His mother slapped him hard on his cheek, "You said you wanted him to stay, and now you're telling him to leave? He's staying now," his mother said. 

Dejun did want to leave, but seeing Guanheng get slapped changed his mind. It was going to be impossible now anyways, "Don't worry about me, I'm fine. I'm not leaving without you."

"Kunhang, wasn't Dakzeon the poor kid with weird parents? Didn't his parents have some trouble when you were younger? And that's why he called you so often? I'm pretty sure his family struggled financially as they struggled with their relationships." She said scornfully, she continued to taunt Dejun. "Look at how he's dressed, what kind of clothes are these? They don't even fit."

“Shut up! Stop talking trash! All you’re saying is just useless," Guanheng said.

"Don't tell me to shut up, I'm your mother, where's your respect?" She glowered at Dejun from head to toe, then she spotted the green beads around his wrist. She grabbed his arm and looked at the bracelet, then stripped it away from his wrists. "Wong Kunhang," she read out loud, she sneered. "This boy here is just a gold digger, he definitely made you buy this, right? A fine jade bracelet like this is not affordable for people like him. “ She then threw the bracelet at Dejun, just like Dejun had done at Guanheng.

He picked it up carefully. Dejun felt like his dignity had been taken away from him. The only reason she let him stay was so she could taunt him, so she could harass him. He got up from his knees, “I’m leaving now.” And he stormed out of there.

Guanheng tried to follow, but Jingze's grip was solid. How could this woman be so strong? "Let me go!" He fought harder. “You heartless people! I don’t want to be your son!” He cried out. “Why do you have to be like this?” He pleaded, “Just let me go, please.”

"Kunhang, it's okay now. He's gone. Everything will be fine." 

Even now, they tried to make him feel like Dejun was at fault, that gay people were at fault. That they were the bad guys who didn't deserve Guanheng's care.

"Shut the fuck up! Everything is not fine! A'zeon is not okay! You hurt him!" Guanheng growled, "I have to see if he's okay! Let me fucking go," Guanheng cried out. His tears streamed down like a waterfall. He calmed down, he knew that it was useless to struggle.

After a while, he stopped crying, yet his breath was unstable. He felt the arms around him loosen a bit. 

His mother spoke, "Jingze, go check if the door is closed."

Their maid did as she was told.

His mother took his arms. She held him firmly, "My sweet baby son, you are so kind. You've always been a good person, but people like him don't deserve your kindness. You are confused. Your father and I will put you in the right direction again, alright?" Her hands were holding him so tight that it hurt.

Guanheng laughed, his mother was desperately trying to make him into the son she wanted. "I. Don't. Want. To. Be. Your. Son." He said again.

As tears fell like a waterfall, he started to worry more. Dejun was alone somewhere, and who knew what he would do, what he was capable of doing. He almost committed suicide once. He had to get away. “Just let me go!” He shrieked, with all his might he broke out of his mother's grip and escaped. 

Dejun walked calmly now. Feeling cold and alone, he didn’t know where he was walking.

The scene of Guanheng’s parents screaming at him and cursing him replayed in his head. ‘ _Faggot_ ’, ‘ _thing_ ’, _'‘trash',_ _disease_ _’_ echoed in his head. The kick and shove replayed in his head too, along with the repeated hits from the slipper. The feeling of Guanheng’s mother suddenly taking his bracelet, that he was now holding dearly against his chest, away from him. The words, the harassment, the physical attacks, and their eyes, it was all too much.

He shook his head, he had to think about other things, like Guanheng. Was he alright? Were they hitting him now? He had to go back to see if Guanheng was alright. He turned around and started to go back.

But he didn’t look where he was going, and instead he found himself by the lake, the lake that he and Guanheng had been the day after he had told his parents about Ziyan.

It wasn’t as beautiful as the first time he was here. There were no stars in the sky, hence no stars reflecting in the water. It looked gloomy as the sun was setting but there was no shade of warmth.

Dejun sat down on the pavilion and wondered what went wrong, when everything started to go downhill. Was it really the day he visited them? Was it really all his fault? Guanheng could've had a bright future, be rich, live in a big house with nice cars. Have a maid. Was it Dejun that stopped from having it all?

He didn't want to think anymore, he checked the places he was beaten at, he groaned from the pain that still ached. He sure was going to get several bruises. He closed his eyes and controlled his breathing, before he would get another panic attack. 

After what seemed to be almost an hour, he heard footsteps running towards him. He turned around and saw Guanheng.

"A'zeon!" Called out. He stopped in front of him and examined him, “You’re okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. What about you?” Dejun asked and put his hand on the cheek that got slapped. Guanheng took his hand and pressed it gently on his own cheek, “I’m alright now.”

They hugged each other, comforted the other. Dejun had his head in Guanheng’s neck with his arms on his shoulder, Guanheng held him tightly around his waist.

"You're okay," Guanheng said as he let out his tears again. He cried out of relief. "I'm so sorry, A'zeon." 

“It’s not your fault.”

“Are you stupid? No. It is my fault. I shouldn't have told you to come. I shouldn't have left you. If you weren't there, maybe things would've gone differently, because now they've made up that you made me gay. Everything is my fault. I shouldn’t have brought you with me. I should’ve just told them long ago when I first realized I was gay. I’m sorry.”

Dejun frowned, “It’s not your fault either. It's your parents fault. And you're wrong, it doesn't matter when you tell them, they would've reacted exactly the same. They said so themselves, they tried to convince you that you were straight. Of course they're going to blame on someone since it didn't work.”

Guanheng sighed, he had no choice but to agree. 

"I missed you so much, I was really worried about you. I was so happy when you sent me that email. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. All I've been doing is...I've just used everything the hotel had to offer," Dejun said bashfully. "But I was bored, and I had to distract myself. Other than that I've just played guitar, and watched TV and called my family. I really worried a lot. I'm glad I'm finally leaving."

“Yeah, let's go back to Guangzhou, alright? You heard my dad. You have to leave the hotel today, if not then you’ll have to pay double. I don’t know what he’ll do if you don’t. So, it’s best if we do it now. And don't worry, I'll pay him.”

“Are you sure? Do you really have the money?”

“I do. Don't worry, okay? Let’s go.” Guanheng took his hand and they walked towards the car.

"Is this yours?"

"No, it's my fathers. But I thought I could steal it."

"Do you even have license?"

"I don't, but I've taken driving lessons, and I'm good enough for the cops to not notice anything wrong. I didn't tell you?"

"No, you didn't tell me you could drive."

Dejun felt a little intimidated by the expensive car. Just back when he was waiting for Guanheng at the pavilion he had assumed that they had expensive cars, but not to this extent. Dejun was sitting in a Bugatti, it scared him somehow. 

They drove back to the hotel, and then took all their stuff and got back to the car again.

"There is one more thing I want to do before we leave for Guangzhou."

"What is it?"

"Vandalism."

They arrived at the casino owned by Guanheng's father. It was open twenty four seven, so there were people there, even though it was pretty early. Around six.

"Let's ruin this shit," Guanheng said. "Come on, A'zeon." 

Dejun followed Guanheng inside the extravagant building. There were people dressed in diamonds and gold. It was what the building attracted. 

Guanheng went in like he owned the place, because in a way, he did. The employees recognized him and greeted him with a polite smile, but Guanheng didn't return it. 

"A'hang, what do you want to do?"

"I want to destroy this fucking place. But first I need to get these people out of here."

"How are you going to do that?"

"The water sprinklers." Guanheng went to one of the staffs for keys, and with his face he managed to get them.

"Come on." Since there was no real fire, he had to activate the water sprinklers with a key. After a while of looking, he found the sprinkler system control and inserted they key that would allow him to press the button.

"Do you want to activate?" He asked Dejun.

Dejun smirked and pressed the button.

Within a second, the fire alarm sounded, and then water poured down like rain from the ceiling. The people inside started screaming and soon evacuated.

Guanheng grinned, and it was shocking to for Dejun to see him causing trouble. Dejun observed him.

"Come," Guanheng said and quickly went to another part of the building, it seemed like they were expanding the casino. Guanheng found metal rods. "This will do." He grabbed on for himself and gave Dejun one too. Then he ran back to the casino, Dejun quickly followed.

They found the casino empty, Guanheng turned off the sprinklers and started to break the things. He swung the metal rod into the machines, the tables, the chandeliers, the lamps on the walls, the bar, everywhere. 

Dejun saw the pain, the frustration and the anger Guanheng had boiled up, finally coming up to the surface. There was no way he could stop him. He clenched his jaw, and joined Guanheng to wreak havoc on the place. Because why not? He too needed to release all his anger and frustration. 

Guanheng shrieked as he continued to break things. Maybe one day he would regret ruin things, but in that moment, all he wanted to do was to wreck the place. The place he had grown to hate. He thought about his parents, the way they hurt him, the fact that they tried to make his homosexuality vanish. The fact that they didn't love him as a person, but rather as a successor of the company and someone to carry on the bloodline. It was stupid.

As he broke all the lamps, it got dark inside, he tripped on the wreckage. He cried out. He broke down amongst the wet ruins. 

Dejun quickly came and lifted him up, "Come here." Dejun took the rod out of Guanheng's hands and threw it away. "Do you feel better?"

"I don't."

Dejun pressed his lips, "It's okay," he said. he kissed his forehead. "It doesn't matter, it's done now. Let's go before someone calls the cops."

Guanheng nodded, and they got in the car again. They looked at each other, just to make sure they were alright, and then drove away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The whole story took another turn from how it was before I rewrited it. At first, I wrote that everything was okay and that they were together and went on several dates. That Guanheng took Dejun around and showed Macau But I thought it was a little too happy, so I made them go through a little more angst. 
> 
> And I really wanted a scene where Guanheng ruined the casino 😂😂
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it!! Thank you for reading all the way here!❤❤


	15. Greater future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They return to Guangzhou together, but it's not easy to adjust back to the life they had. When they do,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter!! The next one is epilogue. But I'm not sure if I want to have that epilogue, this chapter became unexpectedly long. It's the longest one. And I might cut the last of this chapter and make it into an own chapter/the epilogue. But I'm sure. This is the longest chapter and I really don't know how it became this long. But I hope you like it!
> 
> I worked so much on this, and most of the time when I did I just sat and stared blankkly at the document, Because I was so unsure of how to finish it. And another reason why i stared blankly at it was because I started daydreaming about Dejun and Guanheng and how much I made them go through. So I guess a part of me is a little attached and not ready to let this story go. I know this is a fanfiction, everything is fake here. But it's my story and if I changed their names they would've been my own original character. So I can't help but feel a lot for them. 
> 
> I'm sorry for being gone for so long. I hope you'll still read this.😊❤ Thank you for coming back if you did.

The whole car ride back to Guangzhou was silent, accompanied with the heavy feeling of guilt, sorrow, and pain. Maybe even regret. 

Guanheng never hated his parents as much as he did now. His hand on the steering wheel was steady, but his foot on the gas was not. They were going faster and faster, and it didn't seem like Guanheng noticed. He stared straight forward, 

Dejun felt his pulse speed up too, "Kunhang."

"Hm?"

"Slow down."

Guanheng blinked and shook his head, he glanced at the speedometer. He was almost up at 200 kmh. "Shit," he said. "I'm gonna get us killed." He slowed down to a manageable speed and sighed. 

"What's going on?" 

"Nothing. Just thinking." Guanheng didn't want Dejun to worry too much.

"Don't think too much. Do you know the way?"

"No… I’m just driving north."

Dejun searched for the route on the GPS, he then guided them the whole way back to Guangzhou. Which went faster than calculated. 

Guanheng found a parking spot outside of his old apartment. 

Dejun didn't know what was going on inside Guanheng's head, he only knew that he had to take care of him. He took his hand and held it tight. "Let's go home." Guanheng gave him a weak smile.

They went inside the small apartment, it felt like visiting an old grave. But this was no grave, it was their home. The last time Dejun was here, he was close to destroying it like Guanheng had ruined the casino. Dejun was happy he didn't do it...so maybe Guanheng regretted destroying it. Was that it?

Guanheng sighed deeply, he missed this place so much.

"How does it feel being back?" Dejun asked and squeezed his hand.

"It feels...different. But the feeling of being able to be myself freely is still the same." After admiring his home again, he closed his eyes. "I'm exhausted," he said. He walked to the couch and let himself fall backwards on it. 

Dejun smiled for himself and pecked Guanheng's forehead. "Take a nap. I'll cook for you." Dejun placed a blanket over him. 

A while later, Guanheng woke up to Dejun's kisses.

"Get up. Are you hungry? I made noodles for you. You should eat," Dejun said.

Guanheng got up, and he noticed that he was no longer wearing shoes nor his jacket. Dejun must've taken them off while he was taking a nap. And in front of him, on the coffee table, was a bowl of noodles. It smelled good. 

Dejun made him comfortable next to Guanheng. "I'm not that skilled in cooking, I hope you like it."

"You didn't have to."

"But I wanted to."

Guanheng grabbed the bowl and started to eat, it wasn't bad. "It's good. Aren't you going to eat?"

"I already did."

"How long did I sleep?"

"An hour maybe."

"Hm." Guanheng continued eating in comfortable silence. He finished it and put the empty bowl in front of him again. "I need to buy a new phone..."

"You never found it?"

Guanheng shook his head. "But it doesn't matter. I'll change my phone number, my parents won't be able to call me then."

"...Do you think they want their car back? What if they report it?"

"Well, they were going to buy another car anyway. A more comfortable one, this one is like a sports car."

“Then what about the casino? What if we get arrested?”

“Um...They probably know it’s me already. If we get arrested then too bad for us. But I don’t know if they’re going to do anything. We’ll just have to wait and see.”

Dejun sighed, "So...do you know what you want to do?"

It took a while before Guanheng answered, but when he did, he said, "Eat. Sleep. Repeat."

Dejun pressed his lips. It was clear Guanheng wasn't in the mood to talk, or even think. He got up. "I'll wash this for you. Why don't you go to sleep again? And brush your teeth first."

Guanheng watched as Dejun cleaned up after him. He felt a lot of guilt, Dejun was doing so much for him. But he couldn't do a single thing for Dejun. He walked up to Dejun and hugged him from behind. He kissed his neck and rested his head on the shoulder. "Thank you."

Dejun's mouth formed into a smile, he finished watching the dishes and then turned to face Guanheng. He stared at him for a while, trying to read Guanheng's mind. It didn't work. "You don't have to thank me," he said.

"Yes I do," Guanheng argued. He kissed Dejun slow, pressing his lips against Dejun's to devour the sweet taste again. Dejun was pushed against the counter, his head hitting the cabinet above. But his hands went up around Guanheng's neck and into his hair. Taking in as much of Guanheng as he could.

"Go back where?"

"To your parents. They miss you, don't they?"

"But I missed you. Do you think I should go back? Do you not want me to stay with you?"

“No, you can stay if you want. But you said you promised your parents you would come home before march. It’s already the middle of the month.”

“Don’t worry about it. I called them everyday the week you were gone. I want to be with you.”

Guanheng sighed, then gave Dejun a smile and rubbed his back. He was beginning to think that none of them were alright, and it was partly because of the other. He was beginning to think that he wasn’t good for Dejun.

At the beginning of their relationship, he was distant. He didn’t do much for Dejun. Then when things got better, he left. And now he was being taken care of by Dejun, it should be the other way around, he thought. But he also doubted if he would be able to do it. 

Sick and tired of himself, he decided to listen to Dejun and sleep, and leave things to discuss sometime later.

“Fine, let’s sleep.”

They crawled up on the bed that hadn’t been used for a long time, as if they were gone for just a night. It was all too comfortable, it was easy going back to the same old habits.

Dejun lied with his head in Guanheng’s chest, with Guanheng’s arms around him. Their legs tangled. It was as if nothing had changed, being sheltered from the outside world in the same place one and a half years ago. 

But things had changed, things were very different. Guanheng felt it, and if Dejun felt it too, then he denied it.

But that night, Guanheng was going to let him enjoy the closeness from Dejun, and let him sink back to his old self again. As if nothing had changed.

The week passed slowly, the day after they came back they reunited with their friends. Of course, it was a chaotic event, mixed with many feelings. At first, they were happy, but then angry because Guanheng didn’t tell him anything, and also angry because Dejun left them in such a hurry and in bad terms. Though after explaining everything and apologizing, they went back to being happy.

But their friends could also notice that something was off, Guanheng wasn’t himself, and Dejun was behaving too abnormal. They just couldn’t pinpoint what it was exactly. 

Maybe the two of them just had to adjust themselves for being back after such a long time. But after a week, Guanheng could tell what the problem was. 

He needed to talk to Dejun, and since Dejun was always around, he just had to find the courage and do it. 

“Zeon, we need to talk,” he said. He knew Dejun’s head was probably running hardwire, those words never meant anything good.

They sat down on the couch.

“What is it?”

Guanheng sighed soundlessly, “Listen. Please don’t say anything before I’ve finished.”

Dejun’s lips trembled, “Okay…” His eyebrows knitted. 

Guanheng didn’t know how to say this, and he didn’t want to beat around the bush. He just had to say it, rip it off like a band aid.

“I don’t think we should be together.”

Dejun’s heart dropped, “What do you mean?”

“Didn’t I just say it? What’s so hard to understand?”

“No, I heard you. But _why_?”

“We got issues.”

“Issues? What issues do we have?”

“I mean, _I_ got issues, and _you_ have issues. I don’t mean that there’s a problem between us. But now that I think of it, there kinda is a problem between us-”

“Wait, I don’t understand. What’s the problem? I don’t have any issues, and if you do, why didn’t you just tell me? We’ll get through it together.”

“No! You don’t get it! And you definitely have issues!”

“What issues? I’m perfectly fine!”

“No you’re not! You’re fucking codependent!” 

Saying that shut Dejun up.

“You’re so fucking codependent that you can’t go around for a half day without me! And you don’t even realize it yourself! It’s unhealthy! It took me a while to realize it, but god. Now I know that without me you’re just a big baggage of shit!” Guanheng shouted. “And I’m an idiot who fucking destroys buildings! My family is full of shit and I can’t be by myself for one minute! I got all of you on my back as if it’s my responsibility to make you happy. But you know what? It’s not!”

Guanheng breathed heavily and stared at Dejun’s, who was staring back at him.

“You think I’m a baggage of shit?”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?” 

Dejun waited for Guanheng’s answer, but after a minute or so of complete silence, he got up to leave.

“A’zeon, wait!”

Dejun didn’t listen and put on his shoes aggressively. 

“Look, I still love you. I really do, but both of us are not ready to be in a relationship. Don’t you agree that things are going too fast? Two months ago you almost killed yourself because of me! And now you want us to date? It’s not healthy. We’re not healthy,” Guanheng spoke fast. 

Dejun opened the door to leave, but Guanheng pulled his arm. Dejun didn’t want to look at him.

“Dakzeon, I know I’ve disappointed you. I said I chose you, I made it seem like everything would be alright and that we could be together. But look at us. You still haven’t healed properly, you’re not happy for real. If you think you’ll be happy by being with me then it’s like trying to heal yourself with the blade that stabbed you. And look at me, I can’t stop thinking about what happened in Macau. I feel like I’m still in chains. Like I’m trapped and being suffocated. I want to break things all the time. It’s not good, I shouldn’t feel the way I do. I’m just so angry all the time. I’m not good for you. But I want us to get better, and by then, if you still love me, we could be together again.”

Dejun had his head low, teardrops rolling down his cheek, and when Guanheng finished talking, he scoffed and shook his head. He didn’t know whether to cry or to laugh. Maybe he did both. Then he left. 

The day after, Guanheng spent his day in the studio, hitting the drums. He had to do something about his anger issue, the best way to do it was to hit the drums, he thought. 

After a while of being alone there, the door opened, and the person coming inside was the one and only Xiao Dejun. 

Dejun must’ve known it was Guanheng slamming the drums before he walked inside, because the two of them were the only jobless of the seven of them. But he still waltzed in with angry steps, expressing his dissatisfaction with Guanheng’s presence.

“That’s a little unnecessary,” Guanheng commented.

Dejun ignored his comment, and instead said, “Do you want to destroy the drums like you destroyed the casino?”

“Fuck you, you were there too. You destroyed it too.”

“Because you wanted me to.”

“What?! Did I tell you to do it? You started hitting stuff by yourself!”

“You gave me that metal rod! Why would you give me one if you didn’t want me to do it?”

“I- well. Shit. The point is, you did it because you thought I wanted you to. It shouldn’t be like that. If you didn’t want to destroy stuff then you shouldn’t have to do it. I don’t own you, can you act like your own person!?”

Dejun slowly understood what Guanheng meant. After a pause, he said, “It’s not like I did it because you wanted me to, well- Yes I did. But if I really didn’t want to do it then I wouldn’t. and you wouldn’t be able to force me, but I would’ve preferred if I didn’t.”

“Do you hear yourself? Just say you didn’t want to do it.”

“I don’t care. I did it so you wouldn’t feel so lonely.”

“You don’t get it! I did it because I was angry. I did it because all my life my parents have prepared me to take over it, but I never wanted to. So I did it to ruin the future my parents wanted me to have. But you had no reason to.”

“Well, what’s done is done. It doesn’t matter anymore, and they haven’t caught us. We’re not going to go to jail...most likely. I mean do your parents really want to send their only son to jail?”

Guanheng then realized something. “They haven’t reported me to the police because they want me back…” Guanheng couldn’t help but laugh. He chuckled until he fell from the stool. He got up and stopped himself from laughing even more. He then proceeded to hit the drums angrily. “I’m not going back to that hellhole,” he muttered under his breath.

Dejun observed him, and he understood why Guanheng told him that they shouldn’t be together. He could finally see how Guanheng was broken. He wasn’t broken the way he was, but in his own way, he wasn’t alright. 

Seeing Guanheng that way made Dejun start to reflect on himself. Guanheng was right, he was codependent. A healthy relationship would be impossible for them right now. Dejun realized that he relied too much on him for being happy. 

“I’m sorry. Now that I think of it, I think I’ve relied too much on you for being happy. Even when we were younger when my family had some trouble, we talked a lot on the phone, and it made me happy. To just talk to someone and escape the bad things that happened in my home. I guess I just continued to rely on you. And I still do. I guess I have to work on myself and stop with it. You shouldn’t be responsible for my happiness...just like how you shouldn’t be responsible for your parents happiness.”

Dejun sighed, he realized that the way he was treating Guanheng was similar to the way Guanheng’s parents treated him. Guanheng had to please his parents, in other words make them happy, by doing what they wanted him to. Dejun wanted him to be his boyfriend, and in order to do that, he had to leave everything behind.

He turned around and started the keyboard. He played a slow melody lazily with his right hand. He wasn’t feeling like doing what he came to do, to compose a song. 

A hand touched his shoulder. Guanheng sat down next to him. 

“Dakzeon, you can’t compare yourself with my parents. You gave me everything without asking for something in return, but they expected me to give them everything. They did give me a lot, that’s true, but they also demand a lot. So don’t compare yourself with them. Because I chose you, and it still stands. I just don’t think either of us can handle a relationship right now. But one day, when we’re both fine, and if we’re still in love, we can try again. Because right now, I’m not sure if you’re in love with me or just codependent. And my feelings are so complicated right now. So, just have faith. If the universe wants us together, then we’ll be alright. Trust me.”

Dejun sat silently with his arms crossed. He couldn’t look Guanheng in the eye, but he knew everything Guanheng was saying made sense. He nodded slightly. 

“Fuck you,” he then said. It wasn’t because of hatred, but because of pain. “I must really be out of my mind to love you so much. No one hurts me like you do, I guess I really like the way you hurt me.” 

Guanheng swallowed, how could he think that they would ever have a chance again, when he really did hurt Dejun so much? 

“But I wouldn’t have it any other way, life is full of pain. I’ve learned that love is dangerous, it’s like fire. It’s alive. If we’re not careful with it, and come too close, it’ll burn, it’ll hurt. So I’m glad I’m experiencing all these feelings, so when finally happy again, I’ll appreciate it a lot more. And it will feel more amazing than ever. You’re right about me being codependent. And I really do need to stop. So, thank you, Kunhang. For making me realize it and giving me a chance to be happy on my own.”

Just like that, Guanheng’s mood lifted. He beamed, “I should be the one thanking you. You love me unconditionally. But you need to let me go.”

“Let you go?”

“Yes. I’m not going anywhere. But you need to stop being so attached to me. So when we do get together it’ll be because you’re in love with me.”

“Okay.”

They continued living like that. Trying hard to solve their internal problems on their own, but still looking after each other. 

It was not easy at the beginning, but that’s what made Dejun realize even more what his problems were. He realized that his moods depended on Guanheng, if he wasn’t feeling alright then he didn’t either. And he was happy when Guanheng was. But now, Guanheng was rarely in a good mood, which stopped him from being happy. 

Dejun knew the root of his problem, so all he had to do was to try and solve it. But his problem wasn’t like a math problem, where all he had to do was to follow a formula and then solve it. Dejun had to make himself happy, he had to create it on his own. 

He started to slowly appreciate the small things, like getting to eat candy. Or getting a compliment from his friends. It didn’t wasn’t the same as rehab a year ago. But more like appreciating things and seeing the beauty in things.

Dejun also didn’t go back to being an elementary teacher, he didn’t feel like going back, and they didn’t want him back either. What he truly wanted to do was to work with Rainbow V full time. 

Guanheng had trouble finding out what to do with his issue. Just like Dejun, he couldn’t solve it easily like a math problem. First he had to find the root of the problem, why was he still so angry now that he was finally free of them? Maybe because he was still scared that it wasn’t over? That one day, they would come and take him back to Macau? And away from Dejun?

Deep down, he knew that he would one day need to return to Macau, and he didn’t want that day to be his father’s funeral. So maybe it was guilt he felt. Yeah, it was guilt he felt, he felt it on the way to Guangzhou, and he felt it now. A part of him felt sorry that his father’s work, and his grandfather and great grandfathers work had been ruined. He also felt guilty, because despite hating them, he still loved them. 

And it made him angry to still love them, but he could understand how Dejun still loved him, because sometimes, you can’t help but love the people that hurt you the most.

Focusing on their mental and emotional health, they both went to the studio to heal. At first, they didn’t tell the other where they were going to be, so they would find the other one there already. It went on like that, and they later came to text each other and met up to accompany the other there. 

Dejun wanted to produce songs, so he worked all day everyday on them. He dreamed of releasing them one day. He finally had another drive. Something that wouldn’t be able to leave him.

It was two months after they had returned. And during that time, Guanheng and Dejun spent most of their time in the studio. None of them wanted to find a job. Guanheng would sooner or later need a job, because he would one day use up all his savings. But he would be fine for a few years. Dejun was jobless, but he had his family taking care of him. For the time being, they both would be alright when it was about money.

He sighed, as he lied in his bed. It had been two hours since he came back from the studio, but now he wanted to go back. So that’s what he did. 

This was no different from the other days. Just that he had left Dejun alone, but he was probably back in Dongguan now. Because it was late at night.

Going there proved him wrong, he saw Dejun’s shoes in the hall, so surely he must still be there. But why was he here so late?

“A’zeon!” He called out, but there was no answer. When he went inside, he found him in the music room, sleeping.

Guanheng shook him lightly, his head was on the table, and his hand held his notebook. Guanheng shook him again, but he still didn’t wake up. He sighed and sat down next to him. 

He glanced at the notebook, it was closed, but Dejun’s finger was in between the pages. Guanheng suddenly felt the urge to read it. But he remembered the last day he was here before he went back to Macau. He had wanted to read Dejun’s notebook, but Dejun was very protective of it. Meaning the things written there were too personal to share. But the urge was a little too strong, so he took the notebook from him soundlessly and started to look into it.

The last written page were lyrics, they were about happiness. He turned to the previous page and skimmed through, the lyrics were still about happiness, but worded differently. It must be the first version of the lyrics. Since everything was written with a pen, Dejun couldn’t erase it. So when he wrote a new version of the lyrics, he would continue on the next pages. No wonder he had stacks of notebooks lying around. 

He continued to skim through the pages, until he saw his name. He started to read.

_Chasing happiness. Feels like chasing clouds. As if I’m chasing Guanheng again. But happiness isn’t supposed to be caught, it comes to whoever let it come, I guess. Buddha said once, that there is no path to happiness, happiness is the path. Just have to find that path…and when I do...then maybe that path will lead me to Guanheng._

The lyrics must’ve evolved from this paragraph. Did it mean that the song was about Guanheng? 

Guanheng felt a warm feeling in his heart when he read it, and looked at Dejun sleeping. Guanheng couldn’t help but feel even warmer, he looked so peaceful. Guanheng stroked his hand, and luckily he didn’t wake up from it.

What if I kiss him? Guanheng thought. On the cheek of course. He shook his head. From what Dejun had written, it seemed like he was on his way to get better, and Guanheng was truly happy for him. He felt proud.

He woke him up, “A’zeon, wake up!” He shook his whole body, not as lightly as last time. 

Dejun perked up, “Huh?”

“A’zeon, do you know what time it is? Why are you still here?”

“What? What is it?” He blinked. 

Guanheng closed the notebook and pushed it to Dejun before he noticed anything wrong, “Why are you still here?”

“I...I uh. I guess I fell asleep. Guess I should head back now. What time is it?”

“Are you kidding? It’s two at night!”

“Then...I’ll just sleep here.”

“No you can’t.”

“Why not? Where else can I go?”

“...You can come to my place.”

“...Are you sure?”

“Of course, you’re always welcome. Come on, it’s late.”

They put on their shoes and began going back to Guanheng’s place.

“Why did you come back?”

Guanheng smiled, thinking it was fate. “I don’t know. Just felt like coming back. But good thing I did. Or else you would’ve been there for the rest of the night in that awful position.”’

“Heh, yeah. Thanks.”

“So why did you stay so late?”

“I wanted to finish writing my song.”

“Your song?” Guanheng asked, pretending to not know anything. 

“Yeah, I’m writing a song. And I’m hoping I can record it. It’d be my first self produced song.” 

“That’s amazing, Dakzeon. I bet it’ll be good.”

“Thanks.”

“You know...I’ve been writing too. Well, I started this week. And I’ve been thinking about writing songs too.”

“Really?!” Dejun beamed. “Then...do you maybe want to write songs together?”

“For real?”

Dejun nodded.

“Okay! Let’s do it!”

If it were two years ago, they probably would have kissed. If it were two years ago, they would even hold hands while walking from the studio to Guanheng’s home. 

But it wasn’t two years ago. Things were significantly different now.

“So, what do you write about?”

“Anything that comes to mind. I started writing down my thoughts, like a diary. I haven’t written anything that I’d call a verse.”

“Well, what’s considered a verse? I think anything would work as a verse, if it’s sung from the heart. You just gotta be sincere with your words, then people will listen.”

Guanheng tried not to laugh. “Always gotta be so dramatic,” he teased.

“What? I’m not being dramatic, I’m being real,” Dejun pushed him lightly.

Guanheng giggled, “I know. I know. That’s what I love the most about you.”

Hearing what Guanheng said stunned the both of them. The line between lovers and friends was blurry for them. They had chosen to stay as friends to work on themselves, so saying things like that to the other made it harder.

Realizing what he said, Guanheng quickly added, “Uh, it’s true. Keep being real, because it attracts people, people love you for being real.”

Dejun smiled bitterly, “Thanks.”

They reached the apartment and they walked up the stairs and through the corridors in silence to Guanheng’s home. 

As Guanheng unlocked the door, Dejun panicked a little, thinking, where am I gonna sleep? On the bed? No. I should probably sleep on the couch. He swallowed.

“You should brush your teeth...your toothbrush is still there. And you can borrow some clothes of course.”

“You kept my toothbrush? After two months?” 

“Yeah, for situations like this,” Guanheng lied. In reality, he just couldn’t bear throwing away Dejun’s stuff. Even a toothbrush.

“Okay, then I’ll go brush my teeth.”

While Dejun was in the bathroom, Guanheng took the time to take off his shirt and go back to bed. His blanket was covering up his chest. But his arms were out, and his hands were closed together, his thumbs fidgeting.

Was this a bad idea? He thought. No, Dejun would’ve slept in the studio if he didn’t take him here. But, was it a bad idea to be shirtless? Dejun was going to sleep on the bed with him…

Dejun came out of the bathroom, wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants. In his hands were his clothes folded into a pile. “Goodnight,” he said and walked over to the couch.

Guanheng followed him with his eyes. Hm? Isn’t he coming to bed? He thought. “What are you doing?”

“Going to sleep?”

“Right, but. Why don’t you sleep on the bed?”

“Because you are there…” Dejun was confused. Wasn’t this crossing the boundaries? 

“Well...There’s enough room for the both of us.”

Dejun knew that of course, but he stood still and quiet. He was afraid of what was going to happen, maybe get a boner. Maybe accidentally kiss him. Or just cuddle in the middle of the night. He got a little embarrassed just thinking about it. 

“Come on, the couch is not even comfortable. It’s okay.”

Dejun looked at the couch, he had slept on it a few times to know that it wasn’t that bad like Guanheng made it seem like. So what? Did Guanheng _want_ him to sleep with him? He smiled for himself, knowing that must be it, but he wondered why. Why would Guanheng all of a sudden want to sleep in the same bed?

Dejun walked over to the bed and got under the blanket. He too lied on his back, looking up to the ceiling.

“A’hang,” he then said

“Hm?”

“This doesn’t mean anything, right?”

“I guess not. Just thought the bed would be better.” Guanheng turned to face Dejun. “I want to tell you something.”

“What is it?” Dejun turned to his side too. 

“I’ve realized some things,” he pressed his lips before he continued. “I’m really worried about my dad. I know he’s done a lot of bad things, he’s a horrible person. I know. At least a horrible father, in the eyes of his employees he’s a great man. But I’ve seen another side of him that says otherwise. But the thing is, he’s dying. And, as a human, do I really want him to die? No. I shouldn’t wish for death upon someone else, right? It feels wrong. But the thing is, I know deep down I still love them, even if I hate them right now. It’s confusing…My parents love me, I know that. But they love me in their own way and want what’s best for me. Unfortunately, what they think is best for me is far from what I want and need.”

He paused, sighed and then continued. “I think I’m just mad because I can’t love them right now. I feel like I’ve lost them. I can’t love them because I hate them, it frustrates me. So all I feel right now is anger.”

“I think it’s okay to be angry. As long as you don’t hurt anyone or yourself with it. And since you’ve gained more perspective of your feelings, it’ll get easier to get through. Believe me.”

“I believe you,” Guanheng smiled. “And thank you for listening.”

“I’m always here for you, A’hang.”

Guanheng’s heart skipped a beat. Unconsciously, he placed his hand on Dejun’s cheek and admired the man before his eyes. And staring back at him were the same loving eyes that he wore. 

The touch on Dejun’s cheek sent him warm shivers. The space between them was too close for them to be considered friends, but it was too big for them to be considered lovers. 

All of the lights in the apartment were out, only the moonlight creeped inside from the windows, revealing the silhouettes and some features of the faces. But both were familiar with the other’s face, and knew how the other looked even in the dark. They could also read the other’s emotion.

Dejun then placed his hand on Guanheng’s hand, and stroked gently. Only then did Guanheng realize what the fuck was going on. He turned his hand and let Dejun intertwine their fingers. Dejun moved their hands to the space between them from his cheek. 

“Dakzeon, how are you doing these days? You seem happy, or happier, at least, these past few weeks. It’s easy to believe that it’s just an act, so I just want to make sure that you really are getting better.”

“Don’t worry, I am. And it’s all thanks to you. You know, when you first told me to let you go, I didn’t understand. But I get it now. I used to feel like I wouldn’t be able to breathe if I wasn’t with you. I feared that something would happen to us, but now that I’m not holding on so tight, and not letting that fear get to me, it’s getting easier to breathe. I learned that being too obsessed with someone is just suffocating oneself. It’s getting easier day by day, and it’s getting easier to smile. But the thing is, you’re still the reason for most of my happiness. I’m learning how to find joy in every little thing, and I do find joy in most things now. But I still find the most joy when I’m with you, and I think I’m okay with that.”

Guanheng squeezed his hand and pulled it to his mouth, he pressed his lips on the back of Dejun’s hand. Dejun didn’t resist. “I’m glad to hear that. I’m happy for you. 

They stayed quiet for a while, until Guanheng spoke again. “Dakzeon, can I say something?”

“Say what?”

“...I love you.”

Dejun’s heart skipped a beat, he swallowed and lowered his eyes.

Not getting a response, Guanheng panicked. “I’m sorry, am I confusing you? Fuck, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it.” He let go of Dejun’s hand. 

“Kunhang, I love you too.”

Guanheng took a deep breath. “Couldn’t you have said that sooner? You got me all worked up for nothing!”

Dejun chuckled, “I’m sorry, but- yes. You are confusing me. You say we can’t be together but then you tell me to sleep in the same bed as you, caress my cheek, kiss my hand and say ‘I love you’ with so much sincerity affection. It’s confusing. Friends don’t do these kinds of things.”

“I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m confusing myself too. But...we’ve always been more than friends. And I really wanted to tell you that. Friends say ‘I love you’ to each other, right?”

“Right.”

“And besides, why should we follow the social construct of friends. Let’s be more than friends, less than lovers, and let’s do whatever the fuck we want. Without putting a label. Let’s be us and love each other. We have never been normal, so let’s be the odd ones. As long as it makes us happy. And when both of us have healed properly, let’s be more than lovers. Okay?”

“Okay, sounds good.”

“Good.”

They held each other’s hand again. 

“You know, I really regret not kissing you that time when we were in the water,” Guanheng then said. 

Dejun stayed quiet and stared at him blankly. But he then leaned in and kissed him. Guanheng immediately snaked his arms around Dejun’s waist and pulled him closer to him. Dejun’s hand had been supporting his body, but it slipped under Guanheng’s neck, his other hand found its way to his cheek. 

They kissed gently at first, but soon enough, their tongues found their way to each other. Between the kiss, they could taste each other’s pain, the other’s love, happiness and misery. Their nerves trembled by the exchange of emotion.

They pulled away and breathed for air. They both knew nothing they could say would describe the kiss perfectly. It was dangerous to sink into each other, they would forget about themselves. 

Without saying anything, Dejun placed his forehead on Guanheng’s. After a while, he said, “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

They lied next to each other and fell asleep.

The weeks after that were different from the previous two months. Although Dejun didn’t sleep with him, they did other things that made their friends question what exactly their relationship was.

Their friends joined them everyday all day now too, they all quit their jobs and decided to work on Rainbow V full time. They also decided to establish Rainbow V as a real company, where they would produce music, choreograph dances, for themselves but also for other artists. They slowly made a name for themselves in the entertainment industry, and people wanted their songs.

Time passed quickly, it was already fall, they were gathered in the studio, all working on projects. 

Xuxi was emailing people, Sicheng and Chittaphon were choreographing a dance, Kun and Dejun were recording a demo for a song, and Yangyang was writing lyrics with Guanheng.

Yangyang and Guanheng were in the quiet room, sitting by the table that Dejun would occupy. 

“Can we take a break, and go by pizza? I’m getting hungry,” Yangyang said.

“Sure.”

“Should we wait for Dejun?”

“No, he’s busy. The two of us can go. Let’s ask the others what they want for lunch.”

“Okay, just thought you would want him to come with us.”

“Dude, it’s just getting lunch, it’s not like I’m going on a deathly mission.”

“Aren’t you-?” Yangyang was confused, he pressed his lips. “Never mind I’ll ask later.”

They left the room and saw Xuxi with the computer in his face, typing away in all seriousness. 

“Hey Xuxi, me and Guanheng are getting lunch. Text me what you want. And ask the others too,” Yangyang said hurriedly. 

“Okay!” Xuxi shouted after him. “What’s up with him?”

Guanheng shrugged and followed after him.

They got out of the building. “Why are you in such a hurry?”

“Because I want to ask you something.”

“Why do we have to be outside for that?”

“I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. What if you cry?”

“What the hell is it? Why would I cry?”

“Why are you asking me so many questions? Just let me ask mine.”

“Alright, alright. What is it?”

They crossed the street.

“So, what’s up with you and Dejun?”

“What about us?”

“You know what I mean. Are you together?”

Guanheng paused, “...No.”

“Why not!?” 

“It’s not that easy.”

“What’s not easy?! It’s so obvious you love each other. And if you’re not together then why do you act like you are? Do you even realize it? You hug each other for I thought you were dating but kept it a secret like last time.”

Guanheng chuckled, “So that’s why you thought I wanted Dejun to come with us.”

“Well, all of us can see that you want each other, so why are you not still together?!”

“Because! Me and Dejun decided to focus on ourselves first. We decided to focus on our mental health first, because if we really did get together, then we would’ve tainted our relationship with our pain, do you get it? So when we're ready we might get back together.”

“Might?”

Guanheng sighed and shook his head. 

“Look, I understand what you mean, and it’s totally valid. But aren’t you ready? I mean, Dejun is doing so much better now. He’s happy, I can see it. All of us can. I think working and being with us is really good for him. And it’s good for you too.”

“You’re right, he does seem a lot happier.”

“I know I’m right.”

“But, I guess we’re both scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“I don’t know. Just something happening that would separate us again.”

After walking straight forward for a while, they took a left.

“Are you really the Guanheng I used to know? Before, you would do anything even if you were scared. What happened?”

“I’m not the Guanheng you used to know. A lot of things have happened, I had to change with it. But I’m still me. I guess I grew up.”

“Well, it’s good to have you back. But I still think that you should talk to Dejun. You’re not dating, so you can’t call him yours. What if someone else comes and takes him from you. How would you feel?”

“Stop, I know we didn’t put a label, but he wouldn’t leave me for someone else. Not someone new.”

“Really? How can you be sure? What if the new guy is really charming, and gives Dejun something you can’t? Like, I don’t know, maybe a future that doesn’t remind him of the ugly past? Someone that he can forget everything he has been through and just makes him happy?”

They entered the restaurant.

“Are you deliberately trying to make me cry?” Guanheng whined.

“No?”

“Fine, but you’re really giving me a lot of stress.”

Yangyang went up to order, he took out his phone to see what to get the other’s. Guanheng waited on the side with his arms crossed over his chest and a frown.

“Guanheng, it’s not my intention to make you feel stressed or bad. I’m just trying to make you understand that the fear of something separating you guys is what will separate you guys.”

“...You’re wrong.”

“Am I? Because what is stopping you from being together? Yourself. Why? Because you think you’re not ready!”

“How do you know I am?”

“I don’t. But do _you_ know? Have you asked yourself? Think about it. Because it feels like you would never think about it if I don’t say anything!”

Guanheng thought for a while. Was he ready? Suddenly he felt his chest go warm. Thinking about the past months since that night when Dejun slept at his place, and when they had their last kiss. 

From that day to this day, they hadn’t kissed each other, not on the lips. They kissed each other’s cheek, hand, forehead and shoulder. But those kisses were fast stolen kisses. And they felt amazing. He always wanted more, but he was unsure if Dejun would be okay with it. 

Guanheng realized that he was truly happy. He had to think again of why he wasn’t happy in the first place. _Right._ My family is shit. He smirked for himself, and thought that they didn’t bother him anymore. He hadn’t thought of them in weeks. 

And he felt like it was okay, he had come to find peace with the situation he was in. Although he knew that one day he would have to go back, it wouldn’t be because he wanted to go back and ask for an apology, nor would it be because he had to take care of the company.

Guanheng knew his worth, he would go back for his father's funeral, and hopefully sometime before so his father could apologize. He wished that they would be on good terms one day, but he decided to put that responsibility on his parents. He had nothing left to do. 

Except for Dejun. He was ready for another try. But how should he tell him?

“Hey, help me with the food will you?”

“Oh, right,” he helped Yangyang carry some of the bags.

After walking in silence for a while, Guanheng said, “You know what. You’re right. And I’m gonna tell him.”

“That’s great! Why don’t you tell him on your birthday?!”

“My birthday?” Guanheng said confusedly, then he realized that it was in two days!

Yangyang looked at him dumbfound, “What? Is it weird?” 

No, it wasn’t weird. But it made Guanheng regret not doing it on Dejun’s birthday. He did think of doing something extra for him, not tell him that he wanted to be back in a relationship, but all he could think of was if he would be sending the wrong signals. 

Guanheng didn’t take the risk, so their relationship stayed the same as months ago. Like they decided it to be. More than friends, but less than lovers. And he was getting sick of it. Guanheng wanted more.

His birthday was in two days, would Dejun do something for him? Most likely not, but he could be wrong. Guanheng pursed his lips, he decided to do something for himself.

“No, it’s not weird, I guess. But, it’s like I’m claiming him as my birthday present.” 

Yangyang rolled his eyes, “So are you going to do it or not?”

“I will. I’ll figure something out. But wait what are we doing for my birthday?”

“I don’t know,” Yangyang blurted out. 

“So we’re doing nothing on my birthday?!”

“I don’t know! We’ll probably just celebrate in the studio, just like we did for Dejun. It’s not like we’ve had any time to plan anything. We’ll have cake and sing for you. Probably drink some wine or beer. Then we’ll do something fun on the night. But no, I don’t we’re doing anything extra or having a party. Sorry man.”

“It’s okay, I don’t care. That sounds fun already. But I’m thinking. If we don’t do anything extra, then I’ll have time to do something with Dejun.”

“I mean if you want. We’ll celebrate in the evening. You’ll have the whole day.”

They walked up the stairs to the studio, bringing their friends their lunch for them. Inside the studio, their friends were still working hard. Seeing Guanheng and Yangyang arrive with their lunch, they stopped doing what they were doing and approached them. 

“You’re welcome,” they said. 

Guanheng pursed his lips. Tomorrow was going to be the day he left two years ago. The day he left Guangzhou and Dejun. It was the day everything started to go downhill for Dejun. 

He had something in his mind that he was going to do. But he would need a lot of time. 

“Um, guys. I need to do some stuff. I don’t think I’ll be back here today.”

“Where are you going?” Dejun asked.

“I don’t know. But don’t worry.” Guanheng quickly gave him a hug before he headed off with his computer and lunch.

Saying ‘I don’t know’ wasn’t completely a lie. First, he was going to head back home, so he could do some research in peace. Then, he had to go and find the things he needed for the things he had in mind, and make up a plan.

He returned to his home and flipped his computer open, and started to plan as he munched on his lunch. He had to do something memorable, something that would make Dejun forget everything that happened that day he left. 

The rest of the day, he went and got everything he needed, found the perfect place to take him. 

It was already 22:23 when he was done setting things up. He took a few steps back to see his work. The place he found was a place away from the big city. It was by a big lake with trees surrounding them, on the soft grass he rose a tent. On the flat rocks, he assembled all his pillows he owned with some blankets on sleeping mats. He also put some fairy lights around the area, to make it cosier. And to make it a little more romantic, he sprinkled some rose petals around and on. 

Maybe it was a little too much, but he wanted to make it special, it was what Dejun deserved. And now, all he needed was Dejun

He contacted Kun first, to see if he could drive him there, it wasn’t too far away, only an hour and half car ride. So he hoped Kun could do the favor and bring Dejun to him. 

“Hey, Kun ge. Can you do me a favor and drive Dejun to me, I’m by the Zongshen Forest.”

“Why are you over there? What are you doing?” Kun asked. 

“I’m going to ask him to be my boyfriend, that’s what I’m gonna do. I’ve set up a tent and other stuff. Just can you please send him here? You’re the only one with a car. Where is he?”

“Fine. He’s in the studio right now with me.”

“I knew he’d still be there. Just don’t tell him anything, alright? He doesn’t have to bring anything. I got it all. Just bring him here soon please.”

“Alright, alright.”

“Thank you!”

All Guanheng could do now was to wait. Dejun and Kun were still in the studio, since he wanted to keep it a secret, he wondered if Dejun would be so willing and follow Kun to the forest. He hoped for the best. And after ninety minutes more or less, his phone lit up. 

It was Kun asking him where he was. Guanheng texted him to go to the southernmost point of the lake, and they would find him there. 

He started getting nervous, what was he going to do? How was he going to welcome him? He shook his head. He was overthinking. He decided to distract himself by making a fire, since it was getting cold.

“Kunhang.”

Guanheng, who was crouching, hastily stood up, turned around and looked at the person approaching him. Dejun walked slowly towards him, his eyes wandered everywhere, from the sky, to the tent, to the sleeping mat covered in pillows and blankets and Guanheng, who was standing by some rocks and twigs. 

Dejun smiled brightly, “What is all this?”

“It’s…” Guanheng rubbed the back of his head. “It’s for you,” he said bashfully. 

It only made Dejun smile even brighter. “Are you making a fire? Let me help.” Dejun quickly crouched next to Guanheng and busied himself with the fire. Guanheng returned to what he was doing with Dejun.

“Wow,” someone behind them said.

The two of them looked over their shoulders.

“Oh shit, Kun ge.”

Dejun had completely forgotten Kun’s presence when he saw Guanheng and the things he had prepared for him. While Guanheng hadn’t registered that Kun was also there since he was so focused on Dejun arriving. 

“Hello, love birds. I’m here too you know.”

“Yes, right. Thank you for taking him here! You can leave now!” Guanheng said casually. 

“Excuse me! I’m not a taxi driver! You wouldn’t even notice me if I didn’t say something.”

“I’m sorry. But what do you want? I mean you’re free to leave now.”

“Assholes. Have fun!” Kun then smiled and left them. 

Dejun and Guanheng smiled at each other. 

“We’ll have to make it up to him later,” Dejun said.

“Yes, but not right now.”

“Okay, let’s get this fire started then, shall we? Do we have matches?”

“Yes.” Guanheng pulled the matches from his pockets. He lit a few up and threw them in the fireplace. The leaves and twigs slowly caught fire. 

“We did it! It’s alive!” Dejun shouted.

“Wow, it got a lot easier with your help,” Guanheng replied.

Dejun snorted a laugh as the two of them sat down and shared a blanket over their shoulders. “Everything’s been easier lately,” he said thoughtfully. 

“You’re right, and do you know why? Because we’re both happier,” Guanheng said brightly. 

“Happier?”

“Yeah.”

Dejun laughed again, “Yeah...I guess life is easier when you’re happy.”

The fire in front of them started to burn brighter and brighter, giving them warmth. 

“So, A’hang. What is this for?”

Guanheng smiled shamelessly. “It’s for you. I want it to be special.”

“What?”

“I have something I want to tell you.”

Dejun could of course predict what Guanheng was heading to, but he wanted to see how Guanheng was going to do this. He smiled with a sealed mouth and waited for Guanheng to speak.

Guanheng checked the time on his phone, it was already 01.32. And it was around this time he left Dejun alone in his bed. “Do you know what day it is?”

“Uhm, it should be the 27th now, right?”

Guanheng nodded, “Yes, and it was this day two years ago I left.”

“Two years ago...wow.”

“A lot of things have happened since then. You went through a lot of shit that could’ve been avoided if it weren’t for my mistake. So, this date marks something bad, it was the beginning of both our misery. And today is the day. But I want to make it something else, kind of like reclaiming this day and turn it into something good. Make the 27th of September a beautiful day instead.”

“And what do you plan to do today?”

“Remember a few months ago when we made a deal to date when both of us were ready?”

“Yeah. Of course I remember.”

“Then you should know where I’m going with this.”

Dejun grinned brightly to the point where his eyes formed into two thin lines, he was ready for what Guanheng was going to say, because he knew what it was. And he wasn’t afraid anymore. “I want to hear you say it.”

Guanheng smirked uncontrollably, “Here it goes. I’m ready to be in a relationship now. So, would you let me have the honor of being your boyfriend?”

Dejun couldn’t help but laugh out loud at Guanheng's phrasing and word choice. “Honor? I don’t think I’m that great.”

“Answer my question!”

“Yes,” Dejun said firmly. “Let me say something first. I want to have a speech too.”

Guanheng giggled, “Okay, go ahead.”

“Wong Kunhang. The way I love you can’t be compared with someone else, because you are the only one I’ve ever loved like the way I do. Ever since I was young, I never thought of dating. And when bad things started to happen in my family, you were the one I turned to. Do you remember our late night calls back when we were around fourteen? I called you because I didn’t have anyone else I could talk to. And it was easy to talk to you because you weren’t here, you were kind of a third person that didn’t have anything to do with everything else that was happening. During that time I kind of relied on you, to listen to me. Then it got better and my family is now a healthy, happy family. We managed to move on from being toxic.

Then things between you and I shifted as well. A few years after that you moved here, along with the others, and I was so happy. I was really happy back then. Then we started dating and everything got even better, then you vanished. I felt like all my happiness was gone. You know what happens next. When we got back here, and after we made that deal, I wondered a lot of why I loved you so much, and why I relied on you so much. And it’s because you have always been there, you know? But now, I’ve learned how to not rely on you, and I didn’t think it would be possible because you are here, so I thought as long as you are here I would rely on you. But it’s not that, It’s because you are here that I’ve managed to be independent. Now that you are here, I don’t have to miss you, but I can’t have you the way I would want to have you, you know? So I don’t see you too much or too little, and I think it’s been perfect for me to heal completely. And now that I don’t feel like I need you as if my life depends on it, the question I asked myself was if I still loved you and want you as my boyfriend. And the answer is yes.”

Dejun stopped talking, and breathed out. While he had talked he hadn’t focused on looking at Guanheng, and focused on what he was saying instead.

“You talk too much,” Guanheng said. He lifted Dejun’s chin and made eye contact. “Listen, I know we’ve had a rough past years, but it’s all in the past now. Of course, I will never forget, but I’ve grown so much from it. But let the past be in the past. Let’s be happy,” he said.

Hearing what Guanheng was saying made Dejun’s heart skip several beats. “Sounds good,” he managed to say. Then, their lips sealed and they kissed for a long time.

The kiss was sweet, both of them kissed deeper to get more of the taste that they both had missed so much, the taste that had gotten even sweeter than before. Both couldn’t help but smile and giggle in between the kisses. 

After a long while, they felt their lips got a little numb. 

“Wait here,” Guanheng said. He got up and vanished inside the tent. He came back with some stuff in his hands.

“What’s that?” Dejun asked.

“It’s a CD-player, duh,” Guanheng replied. 

“How am I supposed to know? It doesn’t even look like it.”

“It’s because it’s modern. Have you been living under a rock all these years?”

“No, I’ve been depressed and lived idly in an abandoned apartment,” Dejun said sarcastically.

Guanheng snorted a laugh, “It’s a joke, right?” He asked, and felt rather tense.

“Yeah, of course. Relax. You said put the past behind us and let’s be happy, don’t worry.”

“I know. I know. Anyways, I burned a CD with your favorite songs, there’s no Wi-Fi out here, so I thought we could use some old school things.” 

“Wow, you really thought of everything, huh?”

“Of course. It’s a special day.” Guanheng pressed play and the music broke the small sounds of nature. It was an old Cantonese song from the 90’s. He went in front of the smiling Dejun and lifted him up. “Come, dance with me.” 

Guanheng led him further away from the fire, and seized him into a dance, making him giggle softly. They danced along to the different songs, some Cantonese oldies, some western rnb, and some Korean songs. All of Dejun’s favorites. 

“You really know what kind of music I listen to.”

“I follow you on QQ music you know. It’s not that hard to find out.”

“Right, so you’re a stalker.”

“A follower, but alright.”

The dancing stopped and turned into the two of them embracing each other for warmth. Protecting the other from the chilly air. 

Guanheng blew on Dejun’s neck, it made him shudder. Then, Guanheng did something Dejun should’ve predicted. He started to tickle him. The one being tickled hated it with all his life, and the one doing the tickling enjoyed it more than anything. 

Being tickled, Dejun couldn’t help but laugh. He tried to keep himself from doing it but ended up doing it unwillingly and uncontrollably. 

“WONG KUNHANG! I am going to fucking kill you!” He threw some fists and tried with some kicks, losing his balance. Guanheng caught him. 

Guanheng laughed at his mischievousness and at Dejun’s misery. Seeing how much Guanheng enjoyed torturing him, he frowned, and started to hit him. 

“You. Are. An. Idiot.” 

Guanheng escaped and ran away from Dejun, he ran in circles around the fire, Dejun chasing after him. “Murder!” He screamed as if someone would come for his rescue.

“Who are you yelling for, there’s only us here!” Dejun shouted after him.

Guanheng laughed naughtily, “Hahahah.” Then, he ran for the water. Without thinking twice, he charged into the lake. The water splashed everywhere, as his legs violently dipped up and down the water, until the water reached his neck.

Dejun stood on the rocks, and stared at Guanheng agape. “Are you crazy? Isn’t it freezing?” 

On the surface of the lake was only Guanheng’s head, looking like it was floating. But it looked rather ridiculous in Dejun’s eyes. He couldn’t help but laugh at that as well. 

Guanheng was shivering from the coldness of the lake. It was after all in the middle of the night in early autumn. “Come and drag me up, will you?”

“No, you ran into the lake on your own, you can surely get out of there on your own.” Dejun sat down and hugged his legs. He observed Guanheng in the water, around him was the reflection of the moon and the stars. He gazed up, and only now realized how clearly he could see them.

“Look at the stars,” he urged Guanheng, as if the stars would go and hide.

It didn’t look like Dejun was getting into the water, he pouted and pursed his lips. He ignored the stars for now, and then said, “It’s freezing, I can’t move.” He lied. Yes, it was cold. But not so cold to the point that he couldn’t move. He had another goal. And that was to get Dejun into the with him.

“Are you for real?” Dejun rose to his feet. He began to worry a little.

Guanheng grinned, “Yes.” He then lowered his whole head under the surface too.

“What are you doing!?” Dejun shouted. Seeing that Guanheng didn’t resurface, his worry started to grow. Guanheng was always naughty, playing pranks on him. This was no different, but seeing that Guanheng hadn’t resurfaced, of course he worried. 

He had no other choice but to get into the water. He took off his shoes, socks and shirt, his eyes were locked on the spot Guanheng was last. It was indeed cold. He shivered but continued farther out to where Guanheng was. 

There was still no sign of movement, so he dived under the water to pick Guanheng up. 

The moment he got under the surface he felt some hands grabbing him around the waist, and he resurfaced. It was Guanheng who pulled him up. 

“What the hell are you doing!?”

Guanheng only chuckled. 

“You really are an idiot.” Dejun said as he splashed some water on Guanheng’s face.

“Fortunately, yes,” Guanheng replied proudly. 

“Are you trying to kill yourself and deliberately make me worry?” He slapped Guanheng’s shoulder lightly, but the slaps ended up being some light taps, and his hands stayed there.

Guanheng then realized that he wasn’t wearing a shirt, he couldn’t help but spread his hands against Dejun’s back and couldn’t help but let his gaze fall down to Dejun’s chest area and collarbones. He sure missed the sight of that. He smiled and cleared his throat. “None of that, I wanted to recreate a moment, and do something.”

Dejun noticed where Guanheng’s eyes were, he lifted his chin. “And what is that?” He asked.

“Remember in Macau? When we were in the water like this? I _really_ wanted to kiss you back then.”

Dejun paused, after a moment of looking into Guanheng’s candid eyes and shuddering lips, he replied, “Me too.” 

Naturally, what happened next was that they kissed each other. Hungrily this time, wanting more and more. Heating up the other amidst the cold water. 

Dejun’s hand clutched Guanheng’s neck and shoulder, his leg unconsciously sliding up along Guanheng’s. While Guanheng’s grabbed his thigh. As they pressed each other tightly together on the uneven ground, they stumbled and fell into the water once more, the cold water encompassing them again. 

As they lost balance and fell in, they also lost hold of each other. Both got up and gasped for air, making up for the loss of air from the heated kiss and from being in the water. 

“Oh my god,” Dejun chuckled, he shook off the water from his hair, and then saw that Guanheng was doing the same. 

“I think we should calm down a little,” Guanheng said. 

“Yeah,” Dejun agreed. 

They grinned at each other, realizing that they got too caught up in the moment, and didn’t think about where they were, they stopped. 

“I don’t think I want to have sex in the woods.” 

Hearing Guanheng say that, Dejun burst out laughing. “No, I don’t think I want to either. Let’s get out of the water, you’ve been here long enough. You’ll catch a cold.”

“Okay,” Guanheng obeyed. 

When they returned to the land again, Guanheng immediately went for the bag. 

“What are you doing?”

“I brought a towel with me,” he said. 

“A towel? You even brought a towel!?” 

“Yeah, I said I wanted to recreate that moment with you, so of course I’d bring a towel if I’d deliberately make us go into the water.” 

“So that’s why you were so persistent in staying, you wanted me to go in too,” Dejun laughed. 

Dejun froze while he stood there, but he figured Guanheng was probably freezing more than him. He crouched down next to him and said, “Hey, take off your clothes, they’re soaked. I’ll put them by the fire for you.” As he said that he started to unbutton Guanheng’s shirt. 

Guanheng then had no choice but to stop doing what he was doing and let Dejun help him, he could’ve helped Dejun help him. But frankly, he liked being taken care of by Dejun. 

“You are such a baby.”

Guanheng replied with a peck on the cheek. 

Dejun continued taking off the clothes, then looked into the bag, the contents of the bag were now all messy, but thanks to that, he could see the towels at the bottom. There were also some clothes inside.

“You brought extra clothes too?”

“Of course.” 

“Great,” Dejun commented. “Then take off the rest of your clothes too.” He then grabbed the towel and dried Guanheng’s hair. 

Guanheng did as he was told, but he would nonetheless do it even if he wasn’t told to. His soaked pants were uncomfortable, which was why he needed new ones to change into. That’s why he also brought another pair for Dejun. 

Drying himself was needless to say something that would have gone much easier and faster if he did it by himself. But they had all the time in the world, and he enjoyed being babied by his boyfriend. 

Dejun collected the drenched clothes and placed them flatly on the rock by the fire. Still dripping a little, he returned to Guanheng who was now fully dressed in warm two piece pajamas consisting of a warm sweater and matching sweatpants. On the shirt was a donkey. 

“Why are you dressed so cutely?” Dejun laughed, “Is there a set of clothes for me to change into too?”

“Naturally, Dakzeon,” Guanheng replied as he placed the other dry towel around his shoulder. Letting Dejun dry himself, he went back to the bag to get Dejun his clothes. 

He pulled out the same matching clothes, except there wasn’t a donkey on the shirt. Instead there was a pink dragon.

“It’s from Shrek!” Guanheng exclaimed.

“I can see that,” Dejun laughed. 

“C’mon, put it on. Do you want to freeze to death?”

“No.” Dejun then quickly put them on. 

Guanheng smiled with the most satisfied expression. “I have slippers too, so we don’t have to walk around bare feet.” He handed him a pair of slippers, that looked like fake uggs, hard sole but soft and warm on the inside. 

“Haha thanks. You really thought of everything.”

“Come, we should keep an eye on the fire.”

“Hey, we can dry our hair then, let’s move the mattress closer.” 

After some time, they lied next to each other on the mattress, with their heads by the fire, but with a decent space between them so they wouldn’t burn themselves from the sparks flying out. 

Lying like this, they stargazed while waiting for their hair to dry. 

“Another reason why I brought you here was to stargaze with you. Now that we’re far away from the city lights, you can see the stars better,” Guanheng told Dejun.

And it was, the sky was pitch black, but in the pitch black sky were millions of stars, shining brightly. 

“It looks like glitter,” Dejun pointed out. 

“Glitter? Hah, okay. Do you know any constellations?”

“No, do you?”

“Nope. But, I have an idea. Why don’t we make our own constellations?”

“Our own? Okay, but I do know some, like Cassiopeia and Orion. Though I don’t know how to find them nor how they look like,” Dejun confessed.

“See that’s why we should make up our own, I know the constellations are just made up from different lines and squares. Nothing interesting about them. We can find funny shapes. See that bright one over there?” Guanheng freed his right arm from the blanket, pointed at a star that shone whiter than the others around it, right above them.

Dejun replied, “Mhm.”

“Let’s say it’s the highest point of a star.”

“A star? Okay.”

“Hmm…” Guanheng’s hand moved aimlessly above them, without a star to point at. 

“You can’t find one?” Dejun teased. Seeing Guanheng’s arm so dejectedly exposed in the cold air, he freed his own and intertwined their fingers. 

Guanheng smiled warmly from the gesture. “It’s not that cold,” he said, but still squeezed Dejun’s hand harder to let him now that he didn’t want to let go. 

“Let’s move in together,” Dejun said out of the blue. But Dejun was serious, as he stared into Guanheng’s eyes without blinking. “I mean buy a house together, I mean an apartment. A big one. Not just one room. For the two of us.”

Guanheng dropped their hands between them. A little baffled by the bomb Dejun suddenly dropped. “Then we’ll have to save a lot of money.”

“That’s no problem.”

“It’s gonna take a lot of time,” Guanheng said, feeling a little unmotivated. “Let’s move in together now. I mean, why don’t you move into my place for now?”

Dejun beamed, “Sure. I’d like that.” He leaned in and kissed him dearly while streaking his cheek. 

“Let’s do it tomorrow.”

“Huh?”

“I mean today. Let’s move in today, after we wake up we can go and get your stuff. We’re not far from Dongguan right now.”

“Okay, let’s do it.” With that being decided, they kissed once again. Though this time was much deeper. 

Guanheng had leaned in and leaned over Dejun, almost lying on top of him. His hair fell and covered his eyes. 

Dejun gently put his hair behind his ear and said, “You need a haircut. It’s too long.” 

“Heh, Guanheng laughed submissively, “Maybe. Speaking of hair. I think it’s dry now,” he said and touched Dejun’s hair. 

“Yeah yours too,” Dejun said. “Then let’s go in and sleep.

They put out the fire and dragged the mattress inside, along with the pillows and blankets. Inside the tent was miraculously warmer than the outside. but they still used the sleeping bag Guanheng had brought with him. They figured it would grow colder during the night without the fire and didn’t want to risk freezing to death.

The morning after, or, the afternoon after, when they woke up, they packed their things and drove to Dongguan.

Coming back with Guanheng was a surprise for Dejun’s parents, it was even more shocking for them when they told them they were together again, and that they were moving together and were there to get Dejun’s stuff.

Dejun’s parent had a hard time showing Dejun and Guanheng their happiness for them, since it was really out of the blue. Nonetheless, they still helped Dejun pack his stuff, happy that their son was finally moving out. Happy that their son was happy. 

When they bid farewell, his parents scolded them for being so impulsive, but also congratulated them. They also made sure to let Guanheng know that they weren’t angry with him for what he did. It made Guanheng ten times more confident. He appreciated it a lot. 

The ride back to Guangzhou was a happy and bright ride, full of music where they sang along to. Dejun also filled some forms to change his address once again to Guanheng’s.

This day was sure successful, Guanheng succeeded gracefully in changing the meaning of this date. He hoped that Dejun would remember this rather than what had happened three years ago. And he was sure Dejun would. It was what he deserved. 

“I love you, Dakzeon. Let's live a happy life together.” Guanheng said. 

“Okay, I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can guess what they when they got back😏
> 
> And uuuhhh, yes. they were naked in the woods when they changed into dry clothes. I really didn't know how I should've written that, so I ignored it. didn't want to get in detail hehe.😐 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!!😭😭 this chapter has 11945 words, an average word count of a novel chapter is 2-5k. So thank you if you made it to the end. ❤❤ I hope you're satisfied with how it ended. I really wanted them to have a healthy relationship. So I decided to make them work on themselves before getting into a relationship again, it's important, you know?
> 
> Hello! If you've read this already and is here then you probably wonder where the epilogue is. hehehe well i don't think ill write it, because i like how it ended in this chapter, and also i planned that they would go back to back to Macau and meet his parents again. and that they would mend their relationship, but i don't think it matters. and also i just don't have the motivation to continue with this story. mostly because i like how it ended and also because i don't know how to feel about hendery anymore. with the scandal about the wig he wore. and i also like that it has exactly 90500 words. I'm sorry if you were looking forward for the epilogue, but it would have been another 8k words chapter and i don't think anyone wants that.

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it to the end then thank you so much for reading!! It'll get better. I promise. i didn't know if i wanted the prologues or not so it's a little boring here at the beginning. But I think there are some important things you'll miss if you don't read the prologues. The story I really wanted to write begins in chapter 4. 
> 
> Oh and,,, enjoy the first three chapters. It's the only fluff you'll get. ;) lol jk...or not...jk...or not


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